Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  Her choice of words surprised me. It was so pointed, so specific. She didn’t say jealous or mad. She said she felt insignificant. I imagine finding out that Cat had occupied so many years of my life didn’t help matters either. I looked down at the band on my finger while I thought, so the sound of Lissette’s voice when she willingly surrendered more information caught me off guard.

  “The things Catarina used to do and say,” she explained. “—they set up this idea in my head that I’m not good enough. The feeling just snowballed over time—felt that way when I lost my job, feel that way because my business is failing, felt it when Gerard told me why he couldn’t stay.” Her shoulders sunk. “Then last night, I found myself feeling that way again—like I wasn’t good enough.”

  I didn’t understand. “Why?”

  She shrugged. “Because part of me feels like if I was good enough, I’d be the only one you look at like that,” she admitted. This couldn’t be easy for her. “I just want, for once in my life, to feel like I’m enough.”

  It killed me to hear that, even with me, she still didn’t feel like she’d found that. This meant I was failing her. “I want you to tell me what I can do to make you feel more secure.”

  She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on her knees. “Honestly? This is my issue. I don’t want you to coddle me or start thinking I’m fragile or anything like that, because I’m not,” she insisted. “I’ll be fine.” She finally looked up at me and I was beyond relieved to see that she managed to smile a little. “Promise.”

  I smiled, too. There was no way I looked at her differently after finding out that the world’s strongest woman had a weakness. In fact, I think her opening up to me made me love her more. “Is it okay to hug you now?” I asked jokingly.

  She smiled back and then nodded. I took her hand and brought her out of her chair and into my lap. Her arms squeezed my neck tightly and neither of us rushed to let go.

  The things she said stuck with me. I tried to put myself in her place and imagine what it must’ve felt like to be mistreated the way she was. I could see how the one person that you hold responsible for that, suddenly showing up out the blue, would throw a person off. Then add me and Cat’s extensive history to the mix and Lissette was bound to be affected. As I held her, I made up my mind to be the anomaly in her life, the one who changes her mind, the one who shows her she’s more than enough in more ways than one.

  That was my job. She and her feelings were my responsibility.

  For better or for worse.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lissette

  Wife–a title most don’t fully understand until it becomes their own.

  I definitely didn’t.

  Luke most likely felt the same way about being a husband. Along with being someone’s spouse comes patience, forgiveness, compromise, trust, and understanding. The last item on the list had been our latest hurdle. It became clear that we’d have to make allowances for issues that would arise due to our quick hookup, like the situation with Cat. It’d been two weeks since the incident at Nick and Melinda’s wedding, but Luke and I had learned so much from that, grown so much from that. Already we’d moved past it and realized how much more important communication is in our relationship than in other’s because of our special circumstance.

  I found myself smiling as I made his breakfast before work. “Morning, babe,” he said as he entered the kitchen and kissed my cheek, smelling like aftershave. I smiled knowing he’d leave the scent behind on my skin as well.

  “Morning.”

  He sat on the stool beside the counter and did his tie while watching me at the stove. “What’s your plan for the day?”

  I shrugged and stirred the eggs. “Working. Aura and Delia got me a few orders.” I smiled at a thought that came to mind. “Maybe I’ll be able to get my car fixed soon so I’m not stuck in the house. Matt said the checks from his guy should be here by the end of the week, right?”

  Luke smoothed his tie down his shirt. “Yeah… but you could always just let me take it to the shop now like I’ve been saying I would.”

  I didn’t respond, again remembering the fact that he’d mentioned financial trouble in a past conversation. Clearly he had his own stuff to get straight; he didn’t need to take on mine, too.

  “As a matter of fact,” he continued. “I’m not asking you anymore. I’m putting my foot down. I’m having it towed to the mechanic this afternoon.”

  “Putting your foot down, huh?” I shot him a fierce look that transitioned into a smile. “Talking like that, you’d better be glad I’m in a good mood.”

  He accepted his plate when I handed it to him and then went to the dining room table. I sat beside him and sipped my orange juice after placing a tiny pill on my tongue. Luke watched, concern heavy in his expression. My morning had been rough already, which he knew because it was my tossing and turning that awakened him a good half an hour before his alarm went off. When he realized I was in pain, he was so sweet—holding me, gently rubbing my stomach to soothe it away.

  “You’re not eating?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “Not really hungry. I just wanted to make sure you had something on your stomach before work.” I was really enjoying taking care of him and I had a hunch he enjoyed letting me. However, today, with me not feeling well, he’d protested. He just about begged me to stay in bed to rest, but I had to defy him in order to cook.

  “How do you feel about staying at my place tonight?” he asked, cutting into my thoughts. “Nervous?”

  I shrugged. I’d gotten used to having him here, but I hadn’t forgotten our agreement to split our time up between both apartments. I just knew Matt would be more ‘hands on’ with his filming if Luke and I were on his territory. I liked there being a cut off to when he could and could not intrude. It’d be more difficult to shut him out.

  “Not nervous. Just curious about how it’ll go.” I smiled.

  He wiped his mouth and leaned in to kiss me. “Good. It’ll be fine. I should get going, though. I have a meeting in half an hour and it’s gonna take me a few to get to the office because of traffic.”

  I smiled up at him as he kissed me again, paused as he considered stealing another one, and then finally left the apartment after taking his plate to the sink. I sat there in silence for a moment, gathering my thoughts. Aura’s ringtone startled me and I reached down in the pocket of my robe to answer it.

  “And how is the most pregnant woman in the world doing this morning?” I greeted her.

  She sighed. “You’re lucky my feet are swollen. Otherwise, I’d walk over there and smack you.”

  I leaned my head back against the chair and laughed. “Where’s my nephew? I haven’t talked to his bad butt in a couple days.”

  She yawned into the receiver. “On his way to school with his daddy, which means I have this whole house to myself for the next five hours and I intend to stay in this exact same spot the whole time.”

  “Sounds like a blast,” I said mockingly.

  “Exactly. So why don’t you come join me. I’ve got a butt-load of horror flicks in my Netflix queue and I think you should come hold my hand while I watch them.”

  She knew I had a weakness for blood and guts. I looked at my red notebook with the details of the orders I needed to be filling and then decided that work could wait until later.

  I gave in. “I’ll be there in an hour. Lemme shower and call a cab.”

  “If you don’t bring your funky tail over here as is, I really will slap you. I haven’t showered either and I don’t have plans to do so in the foreseeable future. Just tie up that raggedy robe I know you have on and get over here.”

  I looked down at said robe and rolled my eyes. “Be there in twenty.”

  *****

  Aura wasn’t lying. She was sprawled out on the couch in her Tweety Bird pajamas with a few of the shirt buttons undone so her stomach could get some air. I walked in wearing stretchies and a t-shirt and laughed.

 
; “You’re sooooo lucky it’s me and not your husband. Because this?” I said, motioning my hand toward her ensemble. “…This has ‘divorce’ written all over it.”

  She laughed and gave me the finger as she struggled to sit upright. “Whatever. You know I’m cute.”

  And she was, even carrying her litter, but I had to mess with her. I set my purse on the floor and sat right beside her despite there being plenty of room on the other side. I folded my legs beneath me and got comfortable before I realized Aura was staring.

  “What’s going on?” She asked.

  I looked at her like she was crazy. “What are you talking about? Everything’s good!” Her accusation shocked me seeing as how I’d had such a great week. Unless she could tell I wasn’t feeling all that great.

  She looked at my face suspiciously. “Everything okay with you and your boo?”

  I waved her off. “Yeah, we’re fine! Why you bein’ all weird?”

  “I’m not. There’s something you’re not telling me, though. I can sense it.”

  I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Would you leave me alone and start the movie?”

  When Aura finally shifted her focus to the television, I was grateful. I don’t know how, but me and my sisters all had a knack for detecting when something was wrong with one of the others. Although what went down with the whole Catarina situation had taken place more than two weeks ago, Aura could still see me wearing remnants of the stress on my face—and I was definitely feeling it in my body. While I tell my sister almost everything, that was one incident I didn’t want to relive. She knew some of me and Cat’s history, but I never told any of my sisters all she’d done.

  Aura and Brooklyn were the only two I actually attended high school with, but Brooklyn was a few years behind me—didn’t show up on the scene until after Cat had graduated. My freshman year, Aura was a senior which only lessened Catarina’s torment somewhat. She’d never do anything while Aura was around, but I knew she wouldn’t be there to protect me forever. That was why I kept my mouth shut. Telling and getting Cat in trouble would’ve only made things worse. It wasn’t like after Aura went away to college she’d be able to come back home to fight for me. I had to think wisely. The smart thing seemed to be keeping quiet and secretly enduring Catarina’s persecution until she finally graduated and moved on.

  Aura caught me zoning out and stared again. I forced a smile as I looked back at the TV screen. By the time the movie ended, she’d fallen asleep on my shoulder with the remote sitting on top of her stomach. I touched my unborn niece or nephew when he or she kicked visibly, marveling at the life growing inside my sister’s body. I was admittedly envious that I’d never get to experience that, feel that, but this was the next best thing. On cue, the baby pressed against my hand through Aura’s skin and I smiled.

  “How’d it end? Did that dude die?” Aura asked in a sleepy stupor, wiping drool from her mouth when she did.

  I rolled my eyes and reached down to grab my purse off the floor. “Yes, Aura. They all died. You’d have known that if you hadn’t dozed off every five minutes.”

  “It’s this baby! I can’t keep my eyes open during the day to save my life. It’s like it’s sucking all my energy. Hell, I’ve been having dreams that it’s not really a baby in there, but some alien hybrid… thingy. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s freakin’ me out a little.”

  My phone started to ring in my purse and I reached to answer it. My heart leapt when I saw it was Luke, accepting the fact that I missed him. A lot.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey. What you up to?” he asked.

  “Sitting here at Aura’s, watching her sleep and watching movies.”

  She slapped my leg and laughed.

  “Cool. She came and got you?” Luke asked.

  “No, I just took a cab. She begged me so nicely, I couldn’t say no.”

  He was quiet and I was pretty sure I knew why. He didn’t even like that I was getting out of bed to cook; of course he wouldn’t like that I’d trekked all the way across town to hang with my sister. I understood him being overprotective, though. This, my illness, was all new to him. He had no idea how it affected me or what the pain was like, so he watched me like a hawk during the few spells I had since we’d gotten together.

  “Well, I won’t interrupt,” he finally said back. “I just wanted you to know I called to have your car towed. They’ll be there about five and I probably won’t be home until seven or later. I have a late meeting with a client. Think you’ll be okay there by yourself when they come? I already gave them my credit card info over the phone. All they’ll need to get from you is the key.”

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I replied, still thinking he should’ve held onto his money. “Since you’re coming in late, would you mind picking up Chinese on your way? If you let me know when you’re on your way I can call it in.”

  “Yeah, sure,” he agreed. “Sounds good.”

  I smiled and found myself wishing I could kiss him right then and there. “Well… I’ll see you later then,” I said, imagining it.

  “I love you.”

  I lit up, loving the way those words sounded coming from his mouth. “I love you, too.”

  *****

  Luke

  My meeting wrapped up earlier than expected and my boss invited me out for drinks afterward to discuss how things had gone and just to unwind a bit. He’d just walked off to pay our tab when I spotted her across the bar–the one person I least expected to see tonight. Shaking my head at the coincidence, I watched as Cat’s eyes locked with mine. She didn’t smile. In fact, the one she was wearing before she noticed me faded away. Now she just stared, seeming to have stopped midsentence, abruptly cutting off the conversation she was having with one of the women at her table, old friends of hers that I recognized, but didn’t know all that well.

  Cat’s dark hair hung over her shoulders, covering the straps of the gray tank she wore. Her mouth closed and I took note of the look of defeat that seemed to come over her. I could see it all the way across the room. I think I understood what feelings and emotions triggered the expression, because I felt the same way. Tired. Weary from this seemingly endless journey we’d been on, a journey that had the occasional fork in the road, only for Cat and I to find that our paths had once again converged.

  Like I said, I understood the look.

  Her eyes left me as she flashed a smile at her group, leaning in toward them to speak a few words. The next second she turned to excuse herself from her friends, putting on a smile for the group before leaving them to saunter in my direction. Feeling the need to take my eyes off her, I did just that, turned and glanced out the window instead while she made her way over.

  Nick mentioned that she hadn’t left town yet because her mother still wasn’t doing well, but I didn’t intend to see her again. That day at the wedding had been enough, had brought enough drama. For whatever reason, though, we were again under the same roof, within the confines of the same four walls, sharing a space as we tried to exist in this awkward limbo we’d been thrust into—not enemies, not involved, not friends.

  Awkward.

  “Fancy meeting you here,” she said with a smile, taking the last step that brought her into my personal space.

  My foot tapped rhythmically beneath the table where she couldn’t see it when I nodded. “Hey. What’s up?”

  She glanced at one of the open chairs. “Are you alone or…” Next her eyes darted around the room, in search of Lissette, I assumed, probably thinking we were here together.

  My gaze shifted to my boss, standing at the counter flirting with a waitress instead of cashing out. “No, I’m here with O’ Riley, actually.”

  She nodded, knowing exactly who that was without me needing to explain and looked at the seat again. “Mind if I sit?”

  Shaking my head, I watched as she dropped down into the chair and waved at the women she was with, I guess making sure that they knew where she’d run off to.

  Her at
tention shifted back to me and she smiled a little, looking me over. I did the same, minus the smile, but caught myself and looked down at my phone to check the time instead. This wasn’t safe or healthy, being around her. There was too much there, too many memories. Lissette would be expecting me soon. I needed to go.

  “So… what’s been up?” Cat asked casually, cutting in right when I was about to make my exit.

  I shrugged. “Not much. Everything’s fine.”

  “And the wife?”

  I hesitated to respond only because it was awkward having her ask, and then cleared my throat. “She’s fine.”

  Cat smiled a little. “Did you tell her what I said?”

  I didn’t understand, racking my brain for a memory that simply wasn’t there. “No, what was I supposed to tell her?”

  She laughed and some of the tension sloughed off. “I asked you to pass along my apology, Luke.” Her eyes lifted to the ceiling when her smile grew. “Leave it to you to forget; you’re memory still sucks.”

  When she mentioned her request, I did remember her saying something like that at the reception, but the drama that awaited me at Lissette’s that night made it slip my mind.

  “Oh… right. I’ll tell her when I get home,” I lied. I had no intention to bring up Cat’s name to Lissette ever again. Ever.

  “Good. Thanks,” she said sarcastically.

  A long silent pause crept in.

  “So… how long do you plan to stick around this time?” I asked when I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  She shrugged. “My schedule’s pretty flexible right now so I haven’t decided. In short, it depends on my mom. Could be a while.” She looked at me for a second and then forced a tight smile. To break the silence, she asked, “How’s your mom? I didn’t get to speak to her at the reception. Every time I looked up, she was busy talking to someone else. Does she still let my Aunt Georgina do her hair?” She laughed.

  I nodded, smiling a little. “She’s fine and yes. That’s who styled it for Nick and Mel’s wedding.”