Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  I looked at the page again. “That’s crazy. So your grandmother talked about him a lot?”

  Lissette nodded. “Every chance she got. I think part of it was because she didn’t want us to make the same mistake she did; not following her heart because she was afraid of where it may have led her, but I also think it was a relief for her to talk about it. I can’t imagine having to hold all that in, all those feelings.”

  That made sense. “Whatever happened to Benny?”

  She shrugged. “No clue. All I know is he got married, had a couple kids of his own. The story pretty much ends there.”

  I read on and came to the name at the bottom–Lissette. “You’re named after her?” I asked.

  She smiled and nodded. “Yeah. My grandmother put a guilt trip on my mom at the last minute because she had a dream the night before that I was supposed to have her name. Lissette was just supposed to be my middle name, but my mom caved. That could’ve had something to do with her being in labor and not having the strength to argue.”

  I smiled. “Sounds like my story. My mom talked my dad into letting her name me after my granddad—her father. He never had a son, just two daughters. She wanted him to at least have a grandson to carry on his name. So, she named me Lucca Marcel Valente after him–Lucca Marcel Bentivaglio.”

  “I like that, your middle name. Marcel,” she repeated with a smile.

  I shrugged and looked back down at her name on the page written decades ago. “It’s grown on me now that I’m an adult, I guess.”

  Lissette was silent while looking over her grandmother’s written thoughts.

  “Have you read them all?” I asked.

  She looked up, distracted. “Uh… yeah. Over the years, I’ve read them a few times, actually. They’re comforting when I miss her or when I’m just going through something.”

  I stared as she became nostalgic before pulling away from her inner thoughts. She forced a smile. “So, yeah. I just wanted to lay it all out on the table. Now you know everything there is to know about me.”

  I smiled. “Do you consider these letters to be a secret?”

  Her shoulders lifted and fell quickly. “I don’t know. I guess, kinda. They’re so personal, you know? To me and my grandmother. I’ve never shown them to anyone outside the family because it felt like gossiping in a way.” She laughed. “Kinda like I was telling my grandmother’s business. I mean, she really loved this guy and I didn’t want to exploit something that meant so much to her.”

  I smiled at her thoughtful explanation. “Well… I appreciate you sharing this with me. Your grandmother seems like she was a pretty amazing person.” I leaned in and kissed her before moving back to my spot. “It makes sense that you were named after her.”

  Lissette smiled and stood to put the box away just as the text message alert went off on my phone. She grabbed it from the dresser and tossed it to me without looking at the ID… which was a good thing, seeing as how the message had come from Cat.

  When I cursed to myself, Lissette looked at me from over her shoulder. “Everything okay?”

  I scrambled for an excuse to step out of the room, refusing to lie. Still, mentioning Cat’s name would only ruin the vibe we had going and I didn’t want to do that. Something wasn’t right, though. Cat was usually true to her word, which is why I fully expected not to hear from her again while she was in town. Just like she’d said before we parted ways at the restaurant the night before. For her to reach out, something must’ve been wrong.

  Very wrong.

  “It’s nothing. Be right back, okay?”

  Lissette didn’t even flinch when that was the only explanation I gave. She smiled and replied with a casual, “Okay” as I made my way out of the bedroom with my phone in hand. As soon as I shut the door to my apartment, I dialed Cat back. All her message said was “Call me, please.”

  “What’s up?”

  There was silence on the other end of the phone while I waited for her to respond.

  “I’m so sorry. I thought of about a hundred other people to call, but you’re the only one I wanted to talk to.” I could hear in her voice that she’d been crying. Maybe she still was.

  “What’s wrong? What happened?” I hated that I even cared enough to ask.

  She took a breath before explaining. “It’s my mom.”

  “Is she getting worse?” I asked, realizing she hadn’t been specific about what had been going on. All I knew was that her complications were related to her diabetes. I leaned against the wall and tried to listen through Cat’s sobs when they started again.

  “The doctor said that sometimes diabetics have kidney issues after a while and the disease has just taken a toll on her body. I had to rush her to the hospital because she just got so sick all of a sudden.”

  “Are you still there with her?”

  Cat sniffed back her tears. “No, I’m back at the house. They’re keeping her overnight and I had to get some of our stuff. I’m heading back in a little while.”

  I felt like there was something she wasn’t saying. The part that scared me was what I feared the answer would be if I dared to ask what she needed: Me.

  I stayed quiet.

  “I’m sorry. Texting you was a mistake. I’ll be fine. I just needed to talk about it with someone who’d understand. You know how it was for me when my dad passed. Seeing Mom in that hospital bed just brought back too many memories.”

  While her father was the loss Cat chose to speak of, I knew his death wasn’t the greatest tragedy she’d ever experienced in that hospital. Neither one of us spoke about it, but I knew what she was saying without her having to spell out her feelings. Being there was hard for her for many reasons.

  While I hated that she had to go through this alone, I couldn’t be the one to run to her rescue. It would look bad even though my intentions were good. I knew she wouldn’t want to be there by herself, but…

  She sniffed again. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m cool,” she lied. “I just needed to hear your voice.”

  I wasn’t sure how to feel about that, her needing to hear my voice to calm her down. Judging by her silence, I don’t think she knew how to feel about saying it out loud.

  “I should let you go,” she said abruptly. “Just whisper a prayer for my mother.”

  With that, she hung up.

  I stood there for a moment, wrestling with myself. I felt like I needed to be in two places at the same time, but that wasn’t true. There was only one place I needed to be and I was already here.

  When I walked back into my apartment, Lissette was in the kitchen getting a glass of water. “Everything okay?” she asked.

  “Yeah, everything’s good.”

  She smiled and sipped from her glass. “Ready to watch the movie, then?”

  I smiled back at her and hid my inner conflict as best as I could. We went to the couch and I tucked her beneath my arm while the previews ran. I held her close, not letting on that I felt unsettled. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be here with Lissette. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, actually. I’d done the right thing by staying put; I was sure of that, but, being honest with myself, I felt sorry for Cat.

  It felt wrong that I was about to sit here and act as if all was right with the world while Cat sat alone in a hospital waiting room, awaiting news of her mother’s condition—something she’d done before. She wasn’t alone that time, though; I’d been with her. And it wasn’t her mother she’d been praying would be all right then either. It went without saying that she was hurting, and as much as I wished I didn’t, I cared that she was going through a rough time. Wrong or right, I did.

  This had to feel like an ugly case of déjà vu for Cat… and I definitely didn’t envy her.

  *****

  No word came about Cat’s mother during the night. No missed calls or texts. Once I showered, I drove Lissette back to her place and went to work. It was actually a welcomed distraction from everything else. At almost ten on the do
t Cat texted. All the message said was, “Still waiting”.

  I went to lunch a couple hours later and was in the middle of a conference call when my cell sounded off. It was Lissette. I muted my work phone and answered.

  “Aura’s having the baby!” She said in a voice filled with either panic or excitement. “None of my other sisters are picking up their phones and my parents are the ones rushing her to the hospital because Darren’s out of town on business, so I called a cab to come pick me up.”

  “Ok, calm down,” I said with a smile. That was definitely excitement; I’d misread her at first. “I’ll meet you at the hospital right away. Just let me ease out of this conference call.”

  “No, don’t. I don’t want you to get in trouble,” she reasoned. “Just meet me when you can?”

  I glanced down at my work phone. My boss would understand, but it might be a few before I could get to her and I didn’t want to be responsible for her missing anything. “Fine, but I’ll be on my way in just a bit, okay?”

  She agreed, and after a few more updates, I dismissed myself from the teleconference, giving the excuse that there was a family emergency. Twenty minutes later, I was in the hospital parking lot. I pulled into a spot near the east entrance, which was closest to the elevator for the maternity ward. I knew this place like the back of my hand.

  I made sure I had my phone and then climbed out of the car. I hadn’t made it twenty steps when my ringer went off in my pocket. Looking down at the name that flashed across the screen, I paused.

  “Yeah, hello?”

  “Is that you I see down there in the parking lot? I mean… I’m sitting here watching you on your phone as we speak, so I guess that answers my question, but…”

  Cat sounded so confused on the other end of the line, but I wanted to clear things up quickly. Before she could assume I was here for her, I let her know that wasn’t the case.

  “Uh… yeah. It’s me,” I said as my feet started carrying me toward the building again. “I’m on my way up to find Lissette. Her sister is in labor.”

  Disappointed wasn’t even the word to describe Cat’s tone, making it clear that, before my explanation, she’d most likely thought my visit was on her behalf. “Oh… well, don’t let me stop you. I just… I’m sitting here by the waiting room window and looked down and saw you and I thought…”

  “Not a big deal,” I interjected. “What floor are you on? I can stop by for a quick minute.” Stepping inside the lobby, I shook my head at myself. The only reason I’d offered to take the detour to Cat was out of pity. Pity and guilt.

  “Third, but…”

  “I’ll be up in a minute,” was all I said back before ending the call.

  I walked through the familiar lobby and tried to block the memories that crashed down on me, pressing my way toward the elevator. I stepped out into the hall on the third floor and searched three lobbies there until finding the one where Cat waited alone, sitting beside a window just like she’d said, listening to music on her phone. When I touched her arm to get her attention, she stared at me for a moment, not speaking a word. Sadness filled her eyes and I imagined she’d been trying to conceal it all since returning here last night to be with her mother. She sat there awkwardly, bracing her hands on the arms of the chair as if she’d stand to embrace me, but then she must’ve reminded herself that things between us had changed. Instead, her lips pressed together in a thin line as she smiled a bit.

  Cat swiped away a tear as I sat, leaving an empty seat between us. “I’m glad you came, although I know you only stopped in because you felt sorry for me, but… I’ll take it. I hate being here alone.” I lowered my head and she went on. “It’s just the waiting that’s getting to me. Now I’m stuck inside my own head, thinking about, well, everything.” She blotted her eyes with a tissue and went on. “What if I hadn’t been there, Luke? She could’ve died.”

  “Don’t talk like that, Cat. The point is, you were there. I’m sure she’s gonna be fine.”

  She looked up and shook her head. “But what if she’s not? I can’t do this again.” When she covered her face with both hands, gentle sobs filled the empty room.

  I can’t do this again. Those were her words. Every day, I find myself trying not to think about the situation she referenced, knowing that wasn’t possible. As a man, you’re taught to be strong and to be supportive in times of loss and tragedy, but that situation… it brought me to my knees years ago, just like it did Cat.

  “She’ll be fine,” I repeated.

  She sniffed back a few more tears and pushed her hair out of her face with a heavy sigh. “Talk to me.”

  “About what?”

  “Anything, as long as it has nothing to do with this hospital,” she clarified.

  I leaned back and inquired about her life when I couldn’t think of anything else to ask. “What’s it like for you in France? You like it?”

  “I do, mostly because I love my work, but it’s nice.”

  I nodded. “You in a house or an apartment?”

  “Apartment. It’s a pretty good size, though. What about you? You happy?” There was a pause. “With work, I mean. Not… not anything else. Are you happy with work?” she reiterated.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Work’s fine; O’ Riley looks out for me.”

  A smile crossed her face as she wiped away the last of her tears. “Remember how hard I used to push you to come to France with me to model? You seriously should’ve given it a chance, Luke.” Before I could even respond, she was already laughing.

  “No thanks.”

  “Why have you always been so dead-set against it? You know I have the connections, so I totally could’ve made something happen for you. I think you would’ve made a killing. Seriously. I’m required to have an eye for these things and you’ve definitely got the face for it, good bone structure, the height… the body.” There was a long pause when that last part slipped out. She hurried to cover it with another statement. “Photographers out there would’ve loved you, if you hadn’t been so stubborn. That’s all I’m saying.”

  I shook my head at her, listening to the same plea she’d made with me a year ago when she left. Not that she was suggesting I pursue this now, but this wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation. “I’m not cut out for all that. I’ll stick to my 9 to 5.”

  She laughed again. “You could’ve been the next David Beckham, Luke.”

  “Beckham’s an athlete, not a model,” I corrected.

  “Stop being such a hater. He’s amazing at both.” She zoned out and there was a look on her face that I’d seen often.

  “You’re lusting after him as we speak, aren’t you?”

  She shrugged nonchalantly when I called her out. “Mind your business.”

  I knew her well.

  A lull in conversation led to a heavy silence between Cat and I. She looked down at her bracelet, fidgeting with it. “This place holds so many bad memories, doesn’t it?” There was a dim smile on her face, but no happiness.

  I agreed wholeheartedly, but didn’t want to talk about that. “I thought we were supposed to be focusing about something else,” I reminded her.

  “Sorry. I got caught up. Let’s change the subject.” Cat was thoughtful for a moment. “What’d your wife tell you about me from back in the day?” she asked, wearing a faint smile. She had to have known it wasn’t anything good.

  I sighed and treaded carefully, making sure I didn’t bring Lissette’s feelings into this, only facts. Sharing her thoughts and emotions surrounding the situation would’ve felt like I was betraying her confidence, so I steered clear. “The only thing she told me in detail was the bathroom incident where you flushed her necklace.”

  Cat didn’t say anything, just continued toying with the bracelet.

  “What was it that made you pick on her in particular? I mean… I’ve never known you to be a mean person. And everyone else who knows you always describes you as being one of the nicest people they’ve ever met… everyo
ne except Lissette.”

  Cat sighed heavily and then looked me in my eye. “That thing with her necklace was at the beginning of my seventh grade year—right after the summer my dad died.” She looked away and shook her head. “I spotted that necklace on her way before I cornered her in the bathroom, days before. ‘Daddy’s Girl’; that’s what it said. Getting her alone like that was just a fluke, but I couldn’t help myself. I looked at it dangling there on her neck,” Cat said in a daze. “It was so pretty—real gold. And I just… I snapped.”

  I sat watching her recall the details.

  “I was in such a broken place back then. For some reason I channeled all that anger and hurt toward her.” She shrugged knowing how bad the next part would sound. “It made me feel better. I wanted my dad back and seeing her with that necklace just felt like… like she was taunting me,” she said, expressing herself with her hands before placing them in her lap again. “Thinking rationally now that I’m an adult, I know it wasn’t like that. But to twelve year-old me, back in the day, Lissette was rubbing it in my face that she still had her father.”

  Cat zoned out again and chuffed a short, cynical laugh. “Then I remember we were having this stupid father daughter dance around Valentine’s Day and my mother made me go with my uncle. I saw Lissette there with her dad and they were smiling and dancing, the whole nine.” She shrugged. “It was jealousy. Plain and simple. She was really quiet and shy, kinda sickly, too, but I don’t know what was wrong with her. She was just an easy target.” There was something in Cat’s tone that convinced me she now felt ashamed for her actions.

  Now I understood it, though. Cat was still dead wrong for what she’d done to Lissette, but at least now her actions sort of made sense. I recalled how Cat was back then. She and I started kicking it soon after her father passed and I could see it even as a young kid who didn’t know much of anything; she was broken. I’m sure I didn’t know how to process it or put that into words at the time, but she wasn’t like most other girls that I knew. They were all easy going, innocent, and chipper. Not Cat. She had this look in her eyes like she knew things the rest of us didn’t. In a way, she did. She knew what it was like to lose someone she loved and depended on. She knew of the fragility of life and how quickly things could change. She knew the innocence that the rest of us clung to as children was little more than an illusion.