Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  “I hope you don’t think I’m trying to make it seem like losing Marcel is an excuse for hiding the fact that Cat was still here, trying to get her through what’s going on with her mother. I know I should’ve told you. I should’ve told you everything,” he rambled, emotion thick in his voice. Still, no tears had spilled from his eyes.

  I didn’t know what to say. He was right; he should’ve said something, but I understood why he hadn’t. I didn’t like it, but I understood.

  The palm of my hand warmed when Luke pulled it to his chest. I felt his heart racing beneath the material of his shirt. There was a question on my mind and at the risk of my timing being terrible, I had to ask it.

  “Have you spent time with her? Lied to me so you could be with her?”

  My eyes went to the clock, hating that I had to wonder if even tonight’s phone call had actually come in from Catarina instead of his boss like he’d said.

  “No, I never lied. I did stop in and check on her when she was at the hospital awaiting news of her mother’s condition. She was in the same day Aura went into labor. I stopped in the waiting room where she was before coming up.”

  That was hard to hear, but again I respected his honesty.

  “I never lied to be with her, though. And that’s not where I was tonight,” he clarified, answering the question in my mind without me even having to ask. “If you need to check my phone, I understand,” he offered. “O’ Riley really did need me. I only made it back so quickly because he found an easy fix on his own. I turned right around and came back to you.”

  Our eyes locked on one another at the same time. While he’d cleared up a lot of my concerns by simply being honest, there was still something gnawing away at my peace of mind, something I couldn’t shake. I’d seen more on that video than a kiss; I saw chemistry, I saw their history bleeding through the thin wall they’d cast up between them. Now, knowing about the son Luke and Catarina conceived and lost, I was left to wonder if their connection, their soul tie, was stronger than I once thought. Could I really be mad at that? It made sense that the experience bonded them, raising a son together for two years and then nursing one another back to mental health after his passing. I got it; I really did, but… where did that leave us?

  I didn’t have history with Luke, and as unfair as it was, I couldn’t conceive. After finding out that he’d once been a father, I couldn’t imagine he was really okay with the plight my condition put him in. Not that he’d try to replace his son, but it’d make sense that he would want to experience that again.

  When I looked away there were so many thoughts running through my head, so many emotions. The hand Luke held squeezed again when he wanted my attention. My eyes met his, but I couldn’t hide the despair on my face.

  “What’re you thinking?” he asked. His lips pressed to the back of my hand once before replacing it on his chest.

  I had an answer for him, but it lodged itself in my throat, fear and uncertainty preventing me from speaking. It felt like there was just so much he needed that I couldn’t be. I was overwrought with the sense that the happiness we’d found might eventually slip right through our fingers. Maybe not today, but one day. My chest tightened at the thought of it, but then I recalled my grandmother and Benny’s story. There had to be a point to all of this.

  I couldn’t help the tears that fell when I faced him. “Luke…”

  When I paused, his body went rigid. His chest no longer rose and fell because he held his breath. I’m not sure what he thought I’d say next, but the anticipation of it seemed to strike fear somewhere deep inside him.

  “Just… wait,” he said, speaking up. “Before you say anything, just… hear me.” He had my undivided attention. “We’re good together, Lissette. Regardless of all this other stuff, this is right. We’re right. You know that. You feel it just like I do.”

  My eyes closed when his words pricked my heart. “How can you still be so sure of that? You need to figure out what—”

  “There’s nothing to figure out,” he cut in, resting his elbow on the center console when he did. “I love you. That’s all that matters.”

  I let a nervous laugh slip out, one laced with sadness. It felt so much more complicated than that. Luke’s fingers went to the side of my face when he made me look at him. “It’s that simple,” he added.

  His words didn’t convince me. I wished they had, but they didn’t. “I love you, too,” I assured him, meaning that from the bottom of my heart. “But this needs to be dealt with, Luke. Your past with Catarina needs to be dealt with. Whatever that means to you.”

  I wasn’t trying to hurt or punish him, wasn’t saying we were done, but… I couldn’t sit around pretending like things were just going to patch themselves up. There were deep wounds that needed healing. On his part and maybe mine too.

  “Luke, I… I need some time,” I finally admitted, the words leaving my mouth slowly. “We both know this all happened really quickly and I just think we should step back and reevaluate.”

  He didn’t like that word. His posture stiffened at the sound of it leaving my mouth. “Reevaluate,” he repeated.

  I didn’t respond.

  My thumb continued to brush over the back of his hand that I held and his green eyes flickered toward mine. There was a question behind the gaze and he hesitated to ask it. Stammering, before finally getting it out. “Does this… this reevaluation… Does it mean you’re leaving me?”

  I continued to stroke his skin, thinking of all I’d lose were that to happen. It hurt. It hurt like hell. However, the reality of the situation couldn’t be ignored. The truth tumbled out of my mouth. “I don’t know what it means exactly. I just think we need to put this, us, on hold.” And that was me being honest. I had no way of telling what would become of us were we to take this time apart, but I knew it felt necessary.

  Tonight felt like a bitter retelling of my entire life, being on the cusp of a win only to find myself at risk of losing once again. Regardless of Luke’s reassurance, that’s what this felt like. A loss. It’d been a while since I’d experienced hurt and regret this severe, but I was definitely not a stranger to it.

  “Lissette, putting space between us won’t make this any easier to work through. If anything, it’ll probably do more harm that good.”

  I looked away when I considered what Luke was saying. There was an undeniable amount of truth to his words, but I couldn’t imagine how it would go from here—us sharing a roof, a bed, under these circumstances? I know me; I don’t just move on and get over things quickly. If he’d expect that, he was setting himself up for failure.

  He saw me struggling with the idea of it and spoke again. “However much time you need, I’ll give it to you, but just… let’s get through it together.”

  This relationship, outside of our families not loving the idea of it, had been easy. Maybe that was the problem. They say anything worth having is worth fighting for, and we hadn’t had to do that. So many of our decisions had been made for us, all of them except the one we were facing right now. This one was on us and Luke had already pled his case, meaning it was ultimately up to me.

  I made myself look at him; I mean really look at him. In a rush of emotion, all I’d built our relationship up to be in my head came back to me. There was so much potential between the two of us I could practically predict our future.

  But then today happened and so much had come to the light.

  I couldn’t ignore what I was up against as far as the option my condition stole from me, from us, versus what Cat had given Luke in the past. I was so intimidated by the idea of him one day coming to the conclusion that he’d bitten off more than he could chew when it came to accepting my situation.

  Regardless of the back and forth taking place in my subconscious, the choice had already been made. I knew how I needed to deal with this and trying to pretend like everything was okay wasn’t the answer. Things were not okay. And despite what Luke thought, I believed that working through this whi
le living under the same room was actually more detrimental than if we separated.

  Because I have a tendency to follow my heart and not my mind, this decision was going against my very nature. I wanted more than anything to believe that the road ahead would be easy, but I knew better.

  I knew better.

  When I looked up at Luke this time, I believe he already sensed what I was about to say. Maybe he could feel the uncertainty of our fate down in his soul like I could. His eyes were dim and sullen when the words left my mouth, but there was no point in prolonging the inevitable.

  “I’m sorry Luke, but… I need some time.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Luke

  My son’s existence changed me forever in a lot of ways. Knowing him for the short amount of time that I was blessed to know him gave me a glimpse of a better version of myself. Having Marcel was the apex of my life. However, this reality was twofold. On one hand, he was my greatest accomplishment and on the other hand, I was also aware of the fact that the most precious gift I’d ever been given… had been given to me by Cat.

  I loved my son. So much so, I would’ve gladly given my life in exchange for his, to not have to watch him suffer through pain and treatments—treatments that singlehandedly put me in thousands of dollars’ worth of debt. My insurance only covered so much of Marcel’s care, so I did what I had to do, what any parent would’ve done. Even with him gone, I wouldn’t change the way I handled things when it came to seeing to it that he had the best doctors in the best facilities.

  My family tried to step in and help financially on several occasions, but I wouldn’t’ let them, couldn’t let them. My life was so out of control at that time, paying to make my son well was something I wanted to do on my own. I needed to do that.

  Lissette was already trying to process so much, trying to cope with her own medical condition and the implications it had on our future; I understood why hearing of yet another link Cat and I shared, one so deep, made my past harder to swallow.

  But I missed my wife like crazy.

  These two weeks without her had been hell. I was functioning on autopilot mostly just to get through the day. Matt was trying to give me room to breathe, but I was dying on the inside. Lissette asked me to respect her decision and her need for space before she left the parking lot that night. I agreed, but felt myself nearing the verge of breaking down with each hour that slipped away, going against the promise I’d made her. It was only a matter of time until it happened. I refused to let this be the end.

  We hadn’t spoken since then, but knowing she wouldn’t call didn’t stop my heart from leaping inside my chest every time my phone rang. It’d done just that when a call came in earlier that day; a call from my mother. I listened while she brought up the fact that I hadn’t contacted her about rescheduling the dinner plans with her and my father, after canceling a couple weeks ago. The main reason for the gathering was supposed to have been for them to get to know Lissette a little better and to clear the air between their household and ours. However, with Lissette temporarily out of the picture, I didn’t feel much like going. My mother wouldn’t hear of it, though. I didn’t tell her Lissette had left, only that she wouldn’t make it due to having other plans. Naturally, my mother insisted I come on my own and I caved. Only now the dinner wasn’t just for me, all of my siblings and Granddad had been included as well.

  Pulling into the full driveway almost made me turn around and head home. Matt didn’t seem to notice how hesitant I was as he sat messing with his phone. I wasn’t in the mood for this. My eyes drifted down and I took in my appearance—wrinkled t-shirt and jeans, and I hadn’t shaven in a few days either. It dawned on me then that I should’ve put in a little more effort even if for no other reason than to avoid the red flags me looking this bad would send up in my parents’ heads.

  “Ready?” Matt asked, unlatching his door.

  I stared at the glowing porch light at the entrance. “You know what? I think I might just take off, actually. I’m sure Nick or Noemi will bring you back to the apartment after—”

  “Nope. No way. I’ve watched you mope and sulk for weeks. You’re doing this,” Matt insisted. “Hell, even if you just eat and run, I’ll be satisfied with that. I can’t let you go hide out in your room another night, though, man. You’ve gotta pull yourself together.”

  He was right. I knew he was. Still, all I wanted was solitude. He saw me wavering and pushed a little more. “Tell you what. You do this and I won’t bug you again for the rest of the week.”

  That was actually a good trade off. A look of satisfaction crossed his face when I finally stepped out of the car. Straightening my hands down my shirt, I followed the walkway to the door and tried to prepare myself for what was to come—questions about what Lissette had going on that was so important she couldn’t make it; questions about why I looked the way I did, questions about why I seemed different.

  A long, slow breath left my mouth and I’d just drawn in another when the door swung open. My mother’s smile greeted Matt and I as we entered and I noted that she held on to me for quite some time when we hugged. However, when she pulled away, the curious look I expected was present. She rubbed the side of my face, touching my untrimmed facial hair.

  “You’re growing it in fuller?” she asked, forcing a smile which came across tighter than usual.

  I eased out of her grasp gently enough that it didn’t seem like I was being rude. “Yeah. Something like that,” was all I said back. Matt gave me a nudge without our mother noticing.

  “Hm… well… maybe just… clean it up a bit,” she said, trying to be helpful. “That way it won’t take attention away from this handsome face of yours.”

  I smiled a bit when she did and then followed her to the dining room where my father, Noemi, Nick, and Mel all sat chatting. The polite expressions slipped away from their faces as they evaluated my appearance. Matt must’ve noticed the sudden hush that came over the room as well, prompting him to run interference.

  “So… What’s new?” He asked, taking a seat. “Where’s Granddad? I thought he was coming, too.”

  My father’s stare was on me a few seconds longer before he finally answered Matt’s question. “He uh… He should be here any minute. Apparently he got held up looking for something he wanted to bring with him tonight.”

  I took a seat and tried to will myself to be in a better mood. It wasn’t working, though. And all eyes were still on me. Noemi cleared her throat uncomfortably, finally looking away.

  “Are you um… are you okay?” Mel asked.

  I didn’t answer, because no, I wasn’t.

  “Dude… you look like hell.” There wasn’t concern in Nick’s tone like there’d been with my mother and even Mel when they spoke to me. In fact, he started laughing when I didn’t have a response for him either. I glared at him, only looking away when Granddad let himself in without knocking.

  “Guess who,” he said, hinting at a laugh as he greeted us all, clutching a leather-bound book beneath his arm. I didn’t pay it much attention, but watched as he slid it beneath his chair after taking a seat. This must’ve been the item my father mentioned, the one Granddad ran late searching for.

  Granddad’s gaze went to the empty chair beside me. “No missus tonight?”

  I knew someone would bring her up—Lissette. I knew someone would ask why she wasn’t here, but this didn’t lessen the sting of it. When I shook my head I meant to explain, I meant to cover, but instead no words came out. My grandfather stared with a concerned look set on his face and then focused his attention elsewhere.

  We were close, my grandfather and I. In fact, all of my siblings had great relationships with him, but he and I were different. Kindred. He was more in tune with me than my own father. Always had been. He liked to joke that it was because we shared a name. Still, whatever the reason, he always seemed to read me like no one else could. For this reason, I was sure he’d read into my lack of a response.

  From
the corner of my eye, I saw my mother place a hand on my father’s shoulder. What followed was a mutual look of understanding between them. Next, a warm smile from my mother, aimed in my direction. “Luke? Mind if your father and I have a word with you in the living room before dinner?”

  I wanted to say no. I knew tonight was supposed to be about reconciliation between my parents and I, but I wasn’t in the mood to go there, to have that conversation. As far as I was concerned, the invitation into their home was good enough without rehashing what their thoughts and concerns were surrounding my decision to marry Lissette. Their feelings in all this were such a nonfactor at this point. With my relationship now in trouble, everything and everyone but Lissette seemed like a nonfactor.

  Without a word, I followed my parents to the living room. My thoughts were on my last conversation with Lissette, the one where she’d asked for space based on her perception of my ties to Cat. ‘Figure it out’ was the term she’d used and it didn’t dawn on me until I got home that night; I should’ve asked what ‘figure it out’ meant exactly. To me, there wasn’t anything to think on. Cat and I had a past, yes, but there were no feelings on my part.

  I took a seat on the couch and made eye contact with my mother. She stood beside my father in his armchair. The smile she gave seemed like a nervous one.

  “Luke,” she began, her gaze slipping away from mine when she decided it’d be easier to say what was on her mind if she looked at the floor instead. “I can’t even put into words how embarrassed I am for not supporting you. We should’ve been there, at the wedding,” she clarified.

  “We both regret being so pigheaded,” my father added. “We just…” A loaded spell of silence filled the room. In the moment it took him to gather his thoughts I tried to predict what would come next. “It’s just that, with everything you’ve been through, we didn’t understand the decision. To us, it seemed like… I don’t know.” He shrugged, trying to find the words. “It seemed like maybe you were trying to distract yourself from things, making a rash decision to self-medicate those old wounds.”