Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  The reasons he’d given weren’t a shock. I’d already suspected this was the cause for extreme reaction he and my mother had to the announcement concerning my future with Lissette. They’d seen me at my lowest point when Marcel passed and I imagine that had to affect them in ways I’d never understand, not only losing their only grandchild, but also seeing my life shatter into so many pieces. Still… Lissette wasn’t meant to be a cure-all for my issues. Being honest, I wasn’t expecting for her to mean much of anything to me when we first met.

  But she did now.

  She meant everything.

  “I understand,” was all I said in return.

  My mother shook her head and laid a hand on her chest. “I don’t blame Lissette for not wanting to come here tonight. Not at all. What she must think of your father and I…”

  Was that why they thought I’d come alone? Because Lissette wasn’t interested in mending the fence between them and us?

  “But… we truly are sorry for the way we reacted. Not speaking for months, not coming to the wedding, just… all of it,” my mother confessed, catching a tear before it made it halfway down her cheek. “Please, tell her I’d love to get to know her when she’s ready. I hate that we’ve gotten off to such a rocky start, but—”

  I couldn’t keep letting my mom blame herself, not when the one or two tears turned into several. In their own way, they’d had my best interest at heart when they chose not to support my decision. I wouldn’t let them torture themselves for that forever, wouldn’t let them think they were to blame for Lissette’s absence. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t want that either, so I clarified. “Lissette doesn’t hate you guys and neither do I.”

  My mother’s expression didn’t change, but she did finally make eye contact. I’d never been one to hide things from my parents. Never. At the risk of earning myself a big, fat ‘I told you so”, I shared with them the real reason I was alone.

  “Lissette and I are… we’re dealing with some things. She’s not avoiding you two. She just asked that I give her some time.” A pain hit me in the center of my chest after admitting that things weren’t as stable as I’d like them to be, but it didn’t make much sense to pretend like everything was perfect.

  Neither of my parents said a word.

  “I think I um…” I scratched the top of my head while I thought aloud. “I think I messed up without even realizing it. By trying to protect her, I unintentionally shut her out on some things I shouldn’t have.”

  The sound of my mother’s footsteps crossing the room came before her embrace warmed my shoulders. She squeezed and I was grateful there were no questions or requests for clarity. Maybe she knew like I knew, the details didn’t matter much because sharing them wouldn’t change anything. My father gave a tight smile that I figured would stand in for the talk he’d want to have about this when my mother wasn’t around. That was fine, discussing it later, just not right now.

  We rejoined the rest of the family in the dining room to find that they’d settled into a discussion about Noemi’s new guy friend. I hadn’t heard anything about him before now, but was more than happy to have the conversation be aimed at someone other than me. Noemi sat across from me at the table, blushing a bit while my brothers reamed her, prying for details. I eased into my seat and just listened.

  “He does have a legitimate job, though, right?” Matt asked.

  Noemi laughed, rolling her eyes a bit. “Yes, he’s got a job. Don’t be crass, Matt. I simply said it isn’t any of your business what he does for a living.”

  “I don’t get why that’s such a secret,” he replied, smirking a bit when he realized just how uncomfortable our sister was with this particular line of questioning. He leaned back in his seat and threaded his fingers behind his head. “Let’s see… what possible reason could you have for not wanting us to know this guy’s occupation?”

  “Do you two work together?” Mel chimed in, a broad smile on her face.

  Noemi turned a deeper shade of red, giving away answers without even trying.

  “So he does work with you,” Mel concluded. “So, what, is it your boss? It has to be something weird like that for you to be all secretive.”

  Noemi didn’t say a word, prompting Mel to cover her mouth with her hand, muffling a surprised laugh. My father stared at my sister over the rim of his glasses, probably having the same thought I had—Noemi’s boss was almost twice her age and hadn’t even been divorced for six months yet.

  She pushed her fingers through her hair. “Ok… now before you guys get all up in arms about this, John and I aren’t even officially dating. It was just one date and last I checked that didn’t count.”

  Nick and Matt both had a good laugh, which only grew louder when Noemi lowered her head to the table. Surprisingly, I smiled, too, feeling my mood starting to lighten just a bit. Maybe Matt was right; I needed this.

  “Wow.” Nick was shaking his head, catching his breath from the laugh he had at our sister’s expense.

  “Oh boy,” Granddad said under his breath.

  “I knew you all would react like this, which is why I didn’t want to say anything. His age shouldn’t be a big deal to anyone but me and I’m fine with it,” Noemi reasoned before turning to me. “Now I know how you felt, Luke,” she said with a faint smile, alluding to my family’s reaction to Lissette. I forced myself to smile back, but deep down the reference only served as a reminder of all that’d gone wrong in the past couple weeks.

  “No… No way your situation is on the same level as Luke’s,” Nick cut in, loud and obnoxious as usual. “You’ve known John since you started working for the company almost five years ago. I don’t even think Luke knew his girl’s last name before marrying her. Whole different ball game, Noemi. Whole different ball game.”

  Matt and I both glared Nick’s way. Knowing good and well why Lissette and I rushed into marriage, why the hell would he bring that up? What would possess him to say that?

  “Just… ignore him,” Matt urged under his breath, still staring at Nick when he said the words.

  Ignore him… Ignoring him was the whole reason he continued to think he could say and do whatever the hell he wanted to. However, I wouldn’t disrespect my parent’s home by making a scene. Nick and I would have words later, though.

  Noemi cast a look of sympathy my way. I knew she hadn’t meant anything by her statement, but that didn’t stop Nick from hijacking it and turning it into something ugly. That was just his way.

  He surveyed the room before zeroing in on the empty chair beside me. “Where is she tonight, by the way?” He continued, still sporting that grin on his face. “There isn’t trouble in paradise, is there?”

  His tone rubbed me the wrong way. He didn’t know about me and Lissette taking a break to sort through things, but his tone… He was mocking me. He knew me well enough to know when something was wrong and this was all intentional. He chuckled while I stared in his direction, wondering how miserable he had to be on the inside to be so callous.

  “What’d you do? Run this one off, too?” he asked, comparing Lissette’s absence to Cat leaving. That was the last question he asked before I stood from my seat. I was sick of him saying any and everything that popped into his mind without thought. Nothing was off limits with him. Nothing. He’d already moved on to a new conversation with Mel as if he hadn’t said anything wrong a moment ago.

  I vaguely remember feeling Matt grab my arm, but I slipped from his grasp quickly as I moved in on my target. Nick. I started to just let him slide, really I did, but I couldn’t. Maybe it was stress that had me crossing the dining room with my heart set on fighting him that night or maybe it was just time someone shut him the hell up. Whatever my reason, I was almost to him when he looked up and finally realized what my intentions were.

  “Luke, don’t!” Noemi commanded in vain. I barely even heard her plea. Mel’s either when she spoke up.

  My parents’ dining room chair flew through the air with ease when I fl
ung it out of my way. It’d been the only thing between me and my brother and now it wasn’t. There was nothing stopping me from teaching him the lesson he needed to be taught for years now.

  “Got anything else to say?” I asked, my chest touching his as I backed him toward the wall. He couldn’t even look me in my eye.

  “Dude, settle down,” he said, giving a nervous laugh when he stumbled a bit over his own feet. “I didn’t mean—”

  “No, you were saying something interesting a few seconds ago. Care to repeat it?” I took his collar into my hands and slammed him into the wall beside the window, rattling the glass panes.

  Behind me, my mother and sister were hysterical. Two sets of hands took my arms—my father’s and Matt’s. They struggled with me a bit before finally getting me off Nick. My eyes were still set on his as the distance between us grew. I wanted to hurt him, for so many reasons, the main one being his blatant disrespect for me, Lissette, and our relationship. That fact became crystal clear the night he brought Cat to the bar when we celebrated my birthday.

  I couldn’t be around him any longer. I knew I’d try to get at him again if I didn’t leave. I snatched out of Matt’s and my dad’s grip and glared at Nick until I was out of the room. Slamming the front door behind me, I breathed deep, taking in large amounts of the night air when I did.

  This wasn’t me. I wasn’t a violent person. Nick had always been the guy everyone knows to take with a grain of salt, a dick; nothing about him had changed. It was me who was acting out of character. I’d never lost my cool with him like this before. Did he deserve it? Yes, of course. But I already felt guilty for letting my emotions get the best of me in front of everyone. The problem was that I’d already been walking a thin line. His mindless comments just pushed me over the edge.

  I took a few steps down the walkway when I heard the front door open and close behind me. The sound of footsteps drew closer and a moment later Matt was standing at my side. Pushing my fingers through my hair, I blew the air from my lungs.

  “I shouldn’t have done that,” I admitted, hinting at the shame that had already settled in. It didn’t take long.

  Matt’s heavy hand hit the center of my back and then it was gone again. “Don’t sweat it. Give it a week; no one will even remember,” he lied. In fact, that lie was so particularly bad that we both laughed a little.

  “Yeah… sure.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared toward the road like I did. “Honestly, though, the guy deserved it.”

  This was true, but still I shouldn’t have let my anger boil over like that.

  The front door opened behind us again and this time I turned to see who’d come out to join Matt and I. Granddad. His steps were slow and careful as he made his way over, clutching the book he’d brought with him tonight beneath his arm. He came closer and settled on a spot near Noemi’s car so he could lean against it for support.

  “So… are you all right?” Granddad asked, eyeing me a bit when he did, no judgment present from what I could tell.

  I nodded. “Yeah, just wound a bit tighter than usual,” I reasoned.

  He nodded, too, when he seemed to understand what that meant. “Now, don’t get me wrong… your brother’s my grandson and all, and I love him just as much as the rest of you, but he has a knack for pushing peoples’ buttons. I don’t think anyone blames you for what you did in there, Luke.” He aimed a finger toward my parents’ house. I hoped he was right. The last thing I wanted was to fall out with them again so quickly after finally making things right between us.

  There was a question on my grandfather’s mind. I could feel it. Eventually, he hinted at what he was thinking. “You say you’re a bit wound up. Any connection between you looking like ten miles of bad road and you coming here alone tonight?”

  I couldn’t help but to smile at that, the way he’d worded it, but Matt lowered his head; the poor guy felt bad for me, for what I was dealing with.

  “Yeah… you could say that,” I answered.

  “Hm…” was Granddad’s only response.

  My eyes went to him as he pushed himself away from Noemi’s car. He came and stood before Matt and I as we both watched his hand brush lightly over the cover of the book.

  “What’s with that thing?” Matt asked, pointing toward the book when he did. “Dad mentioned you were running late looking for something.”

  Granddad continued to stare at the item in his hands, seeming to get lost in his own world. Finally, his eyes met mine and the faintest trace of a smile was set on his mouth when he spoke. “You know, Luke? You and me are a lot alike,” he started. “There’s more to our similarities than our shared name.”

  He smiled a bit more and I studied his expression. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, so I just continued to listen.

  “Whatever you did, however far things have gotten off track, you have to fix it. Things won’t always be perfect between the two of you, but that doesn’t mean you give up.” Hearing him speak on my situation with Lissette struck my heart. He didn’t know what’d gone on, but I wasn’t surprised he was in tune with me. We seemed to be that way on practically everything since as far back as I could remember. “That’s good advice for you, too, Matty. When you find a girl worth fighting for, you do just that… fight for her.”

  Matt only nodded, taking heed to Granddad’s words.

  “But what if she won’t let me? Fight for her, that is.” Frustration mounted as I thought of Lissette’s request for me to give her space. “If she won’t let me talk to her, she’ll never hear what I have to say.”

  “What do you mean ‘she won’t let you’?” He asked, his tone hinting toward laughter. The sound of it surprised me. “Make her hear you. If she means as much to you as you say she does, you’ll find a way to be heard. And being heard doesn’t always mean being louder, Lucca,” he said sternly. “Remember that.”

  I was silent while I thought on his words. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt pull out his small, handheld camera to capture the remainder of the conversation. My grandfather looked down at the old, leather-bound book he’d been holding. I watched as his eyes softened and a slow smile crossed his face.

  “What is that?” I asked, repeating the question Matt had posed a short while ago.

  Granddad eventually looked up and there was a hint of a smile on his face when he finally answered. “Something that could save your marriage.”

  *****

  Lissette

  Every now and again I’d peek over the rim of my glasses to watch Brooklyn chewing the side of her lip. She was concentrating like her life hung in the balance if she didn’t place her bead just right. Granted, I did hold myself to a standard when it came to my handbags, but she was taking it to a whole new level.

  “You’re gonna bust a vein over there,” I said, laughing as I moved my foot from the pedal of my sewing machine.

  Brooklyn smiled, but didn’t break her concentration. “Worry about what you have going on over there,” she shot back.

  Stretching in my seat, I was tempted to get up and walk around, move my legs a bit, but I was on such a tight schedule, hence the reason I’d conned Brook into spending the previous night with me to help fill this large order. It’d come in from Noemi, Luke’s sister. Apparently, the bag I’d given her the first time we met had gained quite a bit of attention. She called the week before to pass along seventeen orders from women she worked with, worked out with, and a few from her book club meeting. Long story short, I was swamped. But that was a good thing for many reasons; I was gaining exposure, there was obviously the added income, and it was also a much needed distraction. I’d been having a harder time with the loneliness than I cared to admit. You’d think, after all the time I’d been living alone, I’d be okay with Luke not being here.

  But I wasn’t; I missed him like crazy.

  The sound of my sister’s forehead hitting the surface of my dining room table startled me. “Ok, I need a break,” she said, her voi
ce sounding muffled in her awkward position.

  I laughed a bit. “I agree. Deadline or not, I need to back away from this for a while.”

  She sat upright and nodded, slowly getting to her feet. We were both stiff. We’d been sitting here since around six that morning after working well past midnight the night before. If it hadn’t been for coffee and music we would’ve both passed out a while ago. It was already two in the afternoon. Brooklyn plopped down on my couch and had her feet up on my coffee table. Normally, I would’ve told her about herself, but considering the fact that she’d rescued me from having to fill this order on my own, I kept my mouth shut. I looked her way to find that she was already staring at me.

  “What?”

  She made a face, as if to say I should already know what she was thinking. And I did… I just didn’t feel like talking about Luke, or why I hadn’t spoken to him in two weeks, or why his things were missing. I’d packed them all into a box a couple days after our conversation in the car—the one that ultimately left our relationship in limbo. No, I didn’t want things to be over; I just felt so uncertain these past couple weeks. About everything.

  “Leave it alone, Brook.”

  My plea fell on deaf ears. “Still haven’t talked to him?” she asked.

  When I sighed deeply, she didn’t waver. Her stare made it clear that she still expected an answer. With a super hard eye roll, I replied. “No, I still haven’t talked to him.”

  “Well, don’t you think it’s about time you do?”

  I shrugged. “I just… I don’t know what to say.” I zoned out remembering the details of my conversation with Luke that night. Looking back, I hated the way we left things. So open-ended. I told him to figure things out, told him I needed space, but never expressed what my expectations were. Something was supposed to come of this time apart; however, I didn’t feel like much progress was being made. We were treading water at best… just like he’d predicted.