Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  “Here… call him,” Brook insisted, handing me my own phone off the coffee table. “I’m sure he’s sitting at home missing you just like you’re missing him. He’s probably even making his brother listen to him whine just like you’re doing to me,” she added.

  Laughing, I tossed my throw pillow at her just as an urgent knock hit the door. Brooklyn jumped as hard as I did at the sound of it. She stood from the couch, adjusting her tank top over the waistband of her pajama pants before placing a hand on the knob. However, after taking a look through the peephole, she gasped and snatched the silky purple, night scarf from her head, smoothing her hand over the neat bun perched on top of her head. I laughed, but stared with confusion as she opened the door, stepping off to the side just enough for me to see the reason she suddenly cared so much about her appearance.

  Matt was standing out in the hallway.

  He hadn’t even seen me sitting on the couch yet because his eyes hadn’t left my sister’s. “Heyyyy,” he said slowly, clearly surprised to see Brooklyn standing on the other side of the threshold instead of me.

  I watched her with a smile, studying her body language, noticing how she was trying to hide her hair scarf behind her back. I don’t care what she said; she liked him at least a little bit, which was crazy seeing as how Brooklyn never liked anybody.

  Anybody.

  “Can I help you?” she finally asked, sounding annoyed, but the coy smile on her face giving away her true feelings.

  Matt was in awe of her to the point that he didn’t even know what to say.

  “I um… I was looking for your sister,” he stammered.

  Brooklyn pointed to me on the couch and I waved. “You mean that sister? The one right in front of your face?” she asked. Embarrassed by the oversight, Matt’s face turned red. Gone was the smooth-talker he apparently was around everyone but my sister. With her, I’d only seen him a fumbling mess of nerves.

  “Yeah, that’d be the one,” he said, stepping inside when Brooklyn motioned for him to do so. “Hey,” he said, only now greeting me. “Sorry I didn’t call first, but I didn’t know if you’d pick up.”

  I frowned. “Why wouldn’t I pick up?”

  He shrugged and glanced at Brook when she walked past him to reclaim her seat beside me on the couch. “I don’t know. I know you’re not talking to Luke, so I thought you might be boycotting the entire Valente bloodline.”

  I shook my head, assuring him it wasn’t like that. “I don’t hate your brother, Matt. Luke and I just needed to step back and reevaluate.” That summed all of it up in a neat little box.

  He seemed to understand that. “So… I know you all’s problems aren’t my business—”

  “Then tread lightly, Matthew,” Brooklyn cut in, being her usual protective self.

  I nudged her, trying to let her know she didn’t have to be that way with him. She smiled a little.

  “Matteo,” Matt corrected, causing Brook to glance his way. His voice wasn’t shaky anymore. In fact, he’d somehow found a way to hide the nervousness altogether.

  “Excuse me?” Brook asked, seeming to notice the change in his tone just like I did.

  Matt flashed her a slick smile, holding back the charm, perhaps just enough to keep Brook from seeing just how into her he was. “You called me Matthew, but that’s not my name. It’s Matteo.” He stared at Brooklyn and I know I saw a flicker of something in both their eyes when she stared back. She didn’t even come at him with a snarky reply, just turned back toward the television with that weird hint of a smile on her lips.

  Matt’s gaze slipped away from her immediately, focusing his attention on me once more. “Anyway,” he continued, “This may not be the best time, but I was wondering if maybe I could…” Matt’s second attempt at speaking was interrupted by another knock at the door.

  “Somebody’s popular today,” Brooklyn said as she stood from the couch again. This time Matt and I both watched to see who stopped by. Well… I was watching to see who stopped by; Matt seemed to be watching my sister’s butt more than anything else.

  Brooklyn didn’t look through the peephole this time, probably because another knock hit the door just as she’d walked up. Instead, she just snatched the door open, leaving me to stare at a face I hadn’t seen in weeks, a face I missed so much I almost ran to him right then and there. But then I remembered where we stood. The state of our relationship. The distance.

  Luke stood on the other side of the threshold clutching his car keys. He looked good. Refreshed. From the looks of it, he’d recently shaven and he’d come over in a nice button-down and jeans despite the fact that I knew he didn’t usually wear anything but sweats on weekends. This was for me. I knew it was.

  After a lingering stare in my direction, Luke’s eyes shifted to Matt, a curious look on his face when he did. Matt stood and pointed toward the open door, clearly deciding to make a quick exit. “I uh… I knew you were on your way over and wanted to leave this here first,” Matt said, explaining his presence to Luke as he set a camera on my coffee table. Brooklyn eyed it as the red light glowed, but didn’t ask questions at the moment, although I knew she would later. “… I guess I’ll take off now,” Matt announced.

  “Hang on; I’m coming with you. You know… just so they can talk,” Brooklyn added, crossing the room to grab her hoodie from the back of the armchair. She didn’t bother to change out of her pajama pants, but Matt didn’t look like he minded, though. I had a feeling he’d take her anywhere with him regardless of how glammed up or dressed down she was. As she passed in front of him on their way out the door to give Luke and I privacy, Matt was grinning so hard he should’ve been embarrassed. Luke and I both watched our younger siblings make their exit, but nervousness kept my smile to a minimum. I wasn’t sure why he was here.

  The door closed and we were alone in one another’s presence for the first time since our talk in his parking lot. There was tension and awkwardness between us, but more than that there was longing. I figured he must’ve missed me at least as much as I missed him or else he wouldn’t have come here.

  “I hope it’s okay that I did this… came by without calling first,” he started. “I know you asked for space, but I… I needed to see you,” he admitted. “I missed you.”

  I didn’t say anything, just looked him over, trying to keep my head from fogging up. I missed him too, but there were some real, legitimate reasons why we took this break.

  “Have you been okay?” he asked.

  I nodded, but didn’t speak. Truth be told, I’d been anything but okay. I was miserable without him, but too scared to just let things be, to have him back in my life with so many unanswered questions lingering between us. For starters, I needed to know that the Catarina situation had been resolved.

  I think Luke saw me toiling because his next move was to get me talking, to get me to share my feelings. “Lissette… I don’t want to be in this place anymore. This… this limbo. Whatever issues we have, let’s just work through them now. The longer we ignore—”

  “Do you still love her?” slipped from my mouth so quickly, so easily, I think I was as shocked as Luke was. My hand went to my mouth as embarrassment set in, but I made no apologies for speaking my mind. Granted, my timing could’ve been a little better, but… it needed to be said. I needed to know.

  Luke shook his head before speaking his answer. “No, Lissette. Not at all. That’s not what this was. It’s not–” He took a deep breath and pushed his fingers through his thick, dark hair, settling his hand at the back of his neck. “Is that what you thought?”

  Lowering my eyes to the floor, I only confirmed with a nod.

  He sighed again. “I’m not in love with her. Me not telling you she was here wasn’t anything like that. I swear the only reason I didn’t say something was because I didn’t want to get you worked up over nothing. That was all it was.”

  I listened to every syllable that left his mouth.

  “And I’ve done a lot of thinking over the
se past couple weeks. I know figuring out my situation with Cat was one of the main things you sited as being an issue, but… Lissette… there’s nothing to figure out,” he reasoned, coming closer when he did. I stared, watched how close he sat when he took the spot beside me on the couch. “There’s nothing to figure out because you’re all I want.”

  Slow, concentrated breaths left his lungs, causing his chest to rise and fall to the steady pace. He held my gaze, staring through me with those green eyes I’d fallen in love with quicker than I’d ever admit. I loved him. I did. Maybe that’s why I found myself believing him so easily.

  “And,” he continued, taking my hand in his when he did. “Whether you still believe this or not, we’re meant to be together,” he declared, stealing my heart all over again when he stated this with such poise and confidence. Not even a hint of doubt present. He believed this, that we were supposed to be together… and so did I.

  My heart fluttered, a spark of hope hitting me deep within my chest.

  Luke’s eyes lowered toward the ground and I found myself staring at his hands resting on his knees, wanting to take them in mine, feel their warmth after so many days. “I’ve um… I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last couple weeks, got a taste of what life was like before you came along,” he went on, scrubbing his hand across his beard while his thoughts flowed. “And they were two of the worst weeks I’ve ever had,” he added, a sort of cynical laugh escaping when he did. “I’ve been miserable without you.” His eyes found mine again. “Absolutely miserable.

  “Me too,” I admitted, blurting the words much like I’d done when I asked that question.

  Finally, after I’d been silently praying he would, Luke took my hands in his. “I’m not saying we’re perfect, but… I think we should work on our issues together,” he suggested again, much like he had in my car the night of our disagreement. “Living apart, being apart, won’t solve things, Lissette.” His hands squeezed mine tighter. “You don’t have to worry about feeling safe with me. I’ll never hurt you,” he promised. “You’re enough. You’ll always be enough.”

  He remembered. He remembered me telling him that was how my ordeal with Catarina made me feel. The thing was, I knew he meant it. Every word of it. I’d always be enough for him.

  His beard felt soft against my face and in my hands as I pulled him close enough to kiss. And I did; I kissed him. Long and deep, enjoying the warmth of his mouth against mine after so many days. His taste filled my senses and despite the fact that I’d been in my apartment before he arrived, I only now felt like I was home.

  With him.

  *****

  Luke – two weeks later…

  Cat hadn’t called or made any other attempts to reach out after the night at the bar. Part of me wondered if she realized something that night, something I’d realized long before then: what we had all those years ago, what we’d shared, was over. I was different and maybe it wasn’t until then that she finally saw it. Maybe it was because I’d kept my distance, didn’t give place to her attempts toward physical contact. I wasn’t sure, but I just knew things had changed.

  Finally, she was letting go.

  Nick put our differences aside and called last night to let me know Cat’s mother had passed. I was lying in bed with Lissette when the news came in and I shared the information with her when I was done on the phone. She lay there in my arms, listening, and then silent when I finished. With us only recently being able to talk openly about this situation, anything concerning Cat, I found myself wondering in the quiet if I’d said something wrong, shown more emotion than I should’ve. However, when Lissette moved in closer and placed a hand on my chest, I knew I was wrong about that. She didn’t say a word, but with that one gesture I knew she hadn’t read into anything I’d said.

  First thing the next morning, Lissette headed for the grocery store and insisted on leaving me behind. Within a couple hours’ time, her keys jingled on the other side of the door and I hopped up to get it open, knowing her hands were probably full. I was greeted with a smile as she squeezed her phone between her chin and neck to balance it. “I kinda ended up getting more than I planned,” she explained. “Then I didn’t feel like making a second trip down to the car, soooo....”

  I shook my head and let out a small laugh as I took most of the load from her hands. “And apparently calling me down to help wasn’t an option either.”

  Her answer to my sarcasm was a kiss on the cheek. I followed her to the kitchen after closing and locking her apartment door. She started right in unloading the groceries. As she did so, I lifted the ones I had to the counter, spotting a bag of my favorite chips, a case of the flavored water I like, and the cut of steak I’d made mention of. A squeal hit her throat when I buried my face in the side of her neck.

  “You almost made me drop the milk, Luke,” she complained, laughing all the while.

  “To hell with the milk,” I said, unsure if she even heard me with my mouth pressed to her soft, sweet-smelling skin. She rubbed the backs of my hands when I inched them slowly around her waist. It felt so good to hold her. I reveled in the feel of her cheek against mine as she got even closer. She was quiet and normally that wouldn’t have meant anything; however, this time, I knew that not to be the case. There was something on her mind and we’d become so in tune with one another that I felt it.

  Kissing her temple while I kept her in my arms, my chest to her back, I asked about it. “What’s the matter?”

  Her stomach tightened fleetingly against my hand when she laughed. “Nothing,” she said, turning herself to face me, but not attempting to escape my grasp. “But I um… I do think we should talk about something.”

  Her tone was grave, but not to the point that it unnerved me. When she took my hand and led me to the dining room table, I followed, noting that she’d brought her purse with her.

  “What’s up?”

  Lissette released a breath and then made it clear why she’d grabbed her handbag before sitting. She eased a large, yellow envelope from inside it and placed it on the table before also taking out an ink pen. I’m sure my expression read curious, but I didn’t say anything.

  “It’s a card,” she explained. “For Cat.”

  My posture stiffened and Lissette stared at the envelope instead of me.

  “I think you should take it to her,” she went on. “We’ve laid a lot out on the table over the past several weeks, Luke, and I think it’s time you two talk about the past.” Her eyes only now found mine when she added, “About Marcel.”

  Hearing his name struck a chord in my heart and it resonated with me for a while. Lissette removed the sympathy card she’d bought and I stared at the lavender flowers printed on front and the silver, foil lettering.

  “I’m gonna sign it, too,” she announced. My eyes found hers again. “I don’t hate her, Luke. As much as I want to for the past, for…” she paused and cleared her throat before admitting the rest. “Even for still loving you… I can’t. I don’t.” She seemed to zone out as she stared at the floorboards. “I can’t hold her responsible as an adult for things she did as a child.”

  This woman never ceased to amaze me. At every turn, her heart and her strength showed through like a light in the darkness. She left me speechless.

  “I’m not going to push you, but I don’t think you should wait. She’s hurting and… I think it’d do her some good to hear from you.”

  It’d been very strange, very awkward maneuvering around these newfound boundaries Cat and I had both established. It seemed strange ignoring her loss, but not in the sense that I needed to act as her savior; only in the sense that I needed to be a friend.

  “Lissette…” I said her name and then stopped, stopped because I wanted to make sure she not only heard, but felt what I was about to say. “You’re the most important thing. You,” I repeated. “I’m not willing to risk what we have, what we’re working on…” I picked up the card and studied the words when I went on. “Not over this.
Not over her.”

  Lissette’s hand eased into mine and I let the card fall to the table again. When she looked at me, she looked through me, somehow causing her words to travel straight to my soul when she did. “Luke, I trust you,” was all she said, was all she had to say. That was the end of it.

  She suggested that I head over to check on Cat right away so I’d be back in time for lunch. After her words, her declaration of trust, I didn’t hesitate because I knew I had her full support. That meant something to me.

  My drive to Cat’s mother’s house was spent deciding what I’d say. At the end of the journey, I realized this conversation didn’t need much thought and planning because the words were coming straight from my heart. With that, I pulled up to the curb. The street was the only place to park because the driveway was full—family and friends had gathered to give Cat and her brother their condolences. As I approached the door I already felt a weight lifting off of me and I knew deep down that I was doing the right thing.

  Lifting my hand into the air, I knocked.

  A familiar face greeted me on the other side of the screen door. Cat seemed surprised and relieved all at the same time when she saw me standing there. She gave a faint smile despite all she’d been through in the last twenty-four hours. Running a finger beneath her eye to collect a fallen tear, she stepped out onto the porch, closing the door behind her to give us privacy from the guests inside. With the hand clutching a wad of crumpled tissue, she gestured toward the steps where we’d sat many mornings, afternoons, and nights over the years. She sniffed back more tears and pushed her hair behind her ears. Before speaking, I handed her the yellow envelope containing the card Lissette and I had both signed. Cat took it and I waited in silence while she read the words inside.

  “Thank you,” she said just above a whisper. “Both of you.” Her gaze lifted to the tall trees surrounding her mother’s colonial. A heavy breath parted her lips as I watched and wondered how she was handling it all. Not just her mother’s death, but all the losses accumulated together. “I’m glad you came,” she admitted.