by Noelle Adams
He looked over with a jerk, hoping it was Laura.
It wasn’t.
It was Scott.
Scott was in his late twenties, and he looked a lot like Russ had at his age. He was usually a friendly, laid-back guy, but his face was sober as he walked over and pulled a chair up to Russ’s desk.
“What?” Russ asked.
“What the hell, Russ?” Scott said.
“What are you talking about?”
“Did you really tell Laura Holiday—Laura Holiday of all people—that all you wanted was to have a good time with her?”
“No!” Russ pushed his chair back and turned toward his nephew.
Scott arched his eyebrows in a good imitation of Russ’s own characteristic expression.
“I didn’t—” Russ cut himself off, his stomach twisting queasily. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Then tell me what it was like. Because I’m getting an earful from Olivia, and she’s not a bit happy with you. In fact, it’s all I can do to hold her back from coming down here and laying you out.”
Russ closed his eyes and rubbed his mouth and jaw with one hand. “Oh fuck, what a mess. So everyone knows?”
“Not everyone. Penny and Kent aren’t even here right now. And Phil is out with Ed, Chuck, and Tommy working in the barn. But Olivia and Rebecca are up there with Laura, and Olivia called me and told me to get out here immediately. Let me tell you, she was pissed.”
Russ let out a breath. “If she thinks I’m just playing around with her sister, then I’m not surprised. But that’s not what happened. Laura can’t possibly think that’s what happened.”
“Why not?”
“Because... because she can’t. There’s no way. She has to know—”
“Know what? That you’re in love with her?” Scott shook his head, looking faintly amused now, which was honestly a little annoying. “I know that. A lot of us know that. But Laura doesn’t know that. Did it ever occur to you to just tell her?”
Russ didn’t even bother denying his feelings. What was the point?
“I can’t just tell her that. You have no idea how hard it was to get her to even give us a chance. If I push too hard or move too fast, she’s going to—”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Russ! Stop trying to control everything. You helped me. You really did. And I know you helped Phil and Kent too. We wouldn’t be where we are now without you. We wouldn’t be happy.”
Russ hadn’t expected that, and the words slammed into his heart like a wave. He froze. Breathless. Aching.
Scott continued, “I’m not good at this. I’m not as smart as you. But I’ve made all the mistakes a guy can make, so let me try to help you right now. Dad messed me, Kent, and Phil up. You know it. You told me that yourself. Isn’t it possible that you’re kind of messed up too?”
“Of course I am. Everyone is.”
“I mean maybe you’re messed up in the same way we are. Maybe your dad did it to you too.”
Russ stared, stunned speechless because of course Scott was right. He was making all the same mistakes his nephews had made. For all the same reasons.
“You’ve always held it together when the rest of us were a mess, but maybe you held it together too much. Maybe you’ve... you’ve lost yourself some. You don’t let yourself be who you really are because you’re afraid you won’t be able to control things if you do.” Scott adjusted in his chair, leaning forward slightly. “But that hasn’t worked out for you. You’re obviously not happy, and now Laura isn’t either. So maybe instead of always trying to hold back so you never make a mistake, you just lay it all out on the line.”
“But Laura isn’t—”
“You can’t control Laura. She’s her own person. Even playing it as safe and careful as you possibly could, is Laura doing what you want her to do?”
“No.” The word came out in as a pained rasp.
“So just do you. Maybe—just maybe—that’s what Laura wants. And if not, at least you offered her the real thing.”
Russ was so overwhelmed that he couldn’t speak, couldn’t answer. He sat in his chair and stared at a spot in the air for a long time.
Scott just sat and waited.
“I don’t want to lose her,” Russ finally murmured hoarsely.
“You’ve already lost her. She’s up there swearing she’s never going be with you that way again. So what could it hurt to try something else?”
“She won’t even talk to me.”
“She will. Give her a few more hours. Maybe try after the party tonight. Or tomorrow. It’s Christmas. Sometimes miracles happen.”
Russ was breathing like he’d just run a marathon. “It’s going to take a miracle. No one is as stubborn as Laura is.”
“So you’re not even going to try? You don’t love her enough to try again? And maybe try it the right way this time?” Scott’s eyebrows were arched again.
Russ scowled. “Don’t sit there with that smug look. Just last week you were trapped in your car while the woman you love was running away crying.”
Scott chuckled. “I know I was. You helped me then, so I’m returning the favor. All of us are pretty messed up, but maybe we can learn.”
Russ couldn’t help but smile back. “Maybe. I guess I can try. No matter what happens, there’s no way I can feel worse than I do right now.”
“There’s the spirit.” Scott rose to his feet. “But don’t cop out this time. Tell her the truth. All the way.”
Russ sighed. “All the way.”
He’d never gone all the way before. Not once in his life.
He wasn’t even sure he could do it.
But Laura was worth it. So he would try.
Eleven
FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS, Laura had been holding an undrunk glass of wine, sustaining a fake smile on her face, and trying to avoid Russ.
It wasn’t easy.
She hadn’t wanted to attend the party tonight, but it was the annual Christmas party for the employees of Holiday Acres to thank them for all their work and celebrate the end of another season. Everyone came with their families for at least an hour. The business spent a fortune on it, and everyone who worked here loved the event and found it very special.
Laura had to attend.
She had to.
Even though all she wanted to do was bury herself under the covers of her bed and shut out the rest of the world.
So she was wearing the silly red Christmas dress Tommy had given her and chatting with all these people she knew and loved, trying to sound like she was happy to be here and doing her best to never be in the vicinity of Russ.
He wanted to talk to her.
He’d made two gestures toward it already. Once when she’d first come into the big room—the main living area of the private residence where they always had the party—and once about twenty minutes ago when she’d been foolish enough to move into a quiet corner to take a break from socializing and compose herself again.
Fortunately, both times, she’d seen his approach and had quickly found someone else to talk to.
He wasn’t going to make a scene. Not here. She knew that much. He wouldn’t do anything to ruin the party or make any of the Holiday Acres staff uncomfortable. So as long as she was talking to someone else, she would be safe from him.
It wouldn’t last forever.
She just needed it to last the rest of the evening.
It was silly. Immature. Petty. Trying to hide from him this way. It was something she would have done in high school. Or there was that one time in college when she’d known a guy wanted to ask her out so she’d run a covert mission to avoid him so she wouldn’t have to say no.
She was thirty-one years old. She shouldn’t be acting like this now. But she didn’t know what else to do.
She wasn’t emotionally stable enough to have a conversation with Russ right now, and she could see on his face that he wasn’t going to take no for an answer if she gave him the opportunity to say he wanted to talk to her.
He wore a black button-down shirt and charcoal-gray trousers this evening. His sleeves were rolled up, and his collar was open, and he was wearing a black T-shirt underneath instead of one of his normal white ones. The only hint of Christmas on his person was the big tacky Christmas tree pin Tommy had insisted he wear when he arrived not dressed for the holidays.
Laura knew all that because Tommy had explained the whole story to her, proud of his accomplishment in making Uncle Russ better dressed for Christmas.
When she glanced across the room, she saw that Russ was talking to Tommy right now, whose mouth was full of his favorite cookies (the ones only Rebecca knew how to make right).
Russ was squatting down so he was on Tommy’s level. She had no idea what they were talking about. Russ wasn’t smiling, but that wasn’t unusual.
But Tommy was right.
His eyes didn’t smile the way they used to.
He looked handsome and fit and healthy and very intelligent.
And he also looked tired.
So tired.
Maybe a little bit sad.
Her heart went out to him. There was no way for her to stop the feeling. But she wasn’t going to indulge it or let it make her soften.
She just had to get through this party. Then she’d have a week to recover. They closed everything up every year for a week starting on Christmas Day, opening up again for a big sale on New Year’s.
Russ wouldn’t be coming into work that week, which meant Laura wouldn’t have to see him.
If she could get through tonight, she’d be better by New Year’s. She’d be able to handle it.
Handle him.
She just had to make it another hour, and she’d be free to fall apart.
Russ glanced up just then and met her gaze unerringly. Her heart dropped at the look in his eyes, at the way it felt like they understood each other. His expression changed. He stood up.
Shit, he was about to come over and talk to her.
Laura turned quickly and abruptly joined a conversation between three of the women who worked in the store. They seemed surprised by her sudden appearance but welcomed her happily.
One more hour.
She could hold this glass of wine and maintain this damned smile for another hour.
She’d always been tough. Everyone called her that.
She could do this.
Russ Matheson wasn’t going to defeat her. And he wasn’t going to turn her into someone else.
When the conversation she was a part of broke up, she searched the room for another. And faced a moment of sheer panic when there wasn’t one immediately available.
Russ was walking toward her. She knew it even though she wasn’t looking.
She had to do something.
Now.
Quickly.
She hurried into the kitchen, where Rebecca was pulling another tray of canapés out of one of the ovens.
Rebecca looked surprised by her presence. “Are you all right?” Rebecca was pretty and blond with a small fit body with compact curves. She was frowning now as she scanned Laura’s face.
“Yes. Just seeing if you need help.”
Rebecca glanced over Laura’s shoulder in the direction of the living room, which could be seen through the wide doorway.
Russ might come in here. He might believe a conversation with her sister was something he was allowed to interrupt.
“Please say you need some help,” Laura added.
“You can’t avoid him forever.”
“I’m not—”
Rebecca’s knowing look caused her to break off her words.
Laura started again. “I don’t need to avoid him forever. Just for tonight.”
“I think you’d be a lot happier if you’d talk to him.”
“I’ve talked to him. I’ve had this conversation with him before. And each time I came away even more hurt. I’m not going to do it again.”
“He loves you, Laura,” Rebecca said softly, plating up her canapés.
“Stop saying that. It’s not true, and it’s not fair of you all to keep telling me that and getting my hopes up to be crushed again.”
“He’s a Matheson.”
“I know he’s a Matheson! I don’t give a crap about Mathesons. It’s not an excuse for hurting me.”
“I know it’s not. It’s not an excuse. It’s just an explanation.”
Laura made a face and forced her body to relax. “It’s fine. It’s all fine. I will talk to him. Just not tonight. I’m not up to it tonight.”
“Okay.” Rebecca gave her a wistful smile. “But it’s Christmas Eve. Do you really want to go through Christmas without him?”
Of course she didn’t.
It was the last thing in the world she wanted.
But the only thing worse than spending Christmas without him would be spending Christmas with him only halfway, knowing it wasn’t real.
She’d made the right decision.
She just needed to avoid him for one more hour.
“Can I talk to you for a minute, Laura?”
The voice was low, male, and familiar.
She turned with a jerk to see Russ standing in the entrance to the kitchen.
Rebecca gave a little (infuriating) smile. “I’m just taking these canapés out.”
Then—damn her—she slipped out the kitchen, leaving Laura alone with Russ.
“I don’t really want to talk,” Laura said, backing away without thinking until she’d reached the far wall of the kitchen.
Russ moved forward, his face utterly sober. “I know you don’t. We’re going to talk anyway.”
“You don’t get to force a conversation on me,” Laura snapped, pressing her back against the wall.
There was nowhere else to retreat to now, and Russ was standing right in front of her. He wasn’t touching her, but he was only a few inches away. And she could feel him.
She could feel him.
She took a ragged breath.
“I’m not forcing you to talk. Just to listen to me.”
“I don’t want to listen. I’ve listened enough. I need some space, and you need to respect that.”
Laura tried to keep her face composed because Russ’s amber eyes were studying it so closely, so intently. It was like he could see everything, and she really didn’t want him to see.
“You’ve never heard what I need to tell you,” Russ murmured thickly.
The texture in his voice made her shiver. One of her hands went up of its own accord and fisted in his shirt. “Yes, I have.”
“No. You really haven’t. So you’re going to listen to me. If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to. But you’re going to hear what I have to tell you. I’m not going to be smart anymore. I’m not going to be careful. You’re going to hear everything.”
A deep, electric intensity was radiating off him, and she couldn’t help but respond to it. She was suddenly flushed and excited. She clung to his shirt.
His skin was damp with a sheen of perspiration. Maybe just from the crowded room and the roaring fire, but it seemed another sign of how intense he was right now.
She could see dark bristles on his jaw, how the hairs of one of his eyebrows were ruffled around a faint scar. She was clutching his shirt tightly with both hands now.
And she wanted to hear what he was about to say.
“I...” Her voice cracked on the one syllable. She couldn’t say anything else.
“I’m not having a good time with you, Laura. I mean, I’m not just having a good time. It was a stupid thing to say. A cowardly thing to say. And I’m so sorry for saying it.”
She wasn’t sure what she expected, but it wasn’t that. Her heart was beating so wildly she was sure Russ could hear it, see it, know it.
She leaned forward to hear how he would continue.
Before he could get another word out, she suddenly realized what she was doing. She could see herself as if from the outside.
He had her trapp
ed against the wall of the kitchen, and she was clinging to him weakly, flushed and panting and eager, straining to hear the words she wanted him to say.
She wasn’t like that.
She’d never been like that.
And the few times she’d tried had only left her crushed.
She wasn’t going to be that weak, silly girl again.
She wasn’t going to do this.
She pushed him backward with both hands and ran.
She actually ran.
She didn’t want to cause a scene, but her need to flee was simply too strong. She ran out of the kitchen and through the living room and out the door of the private residence.
Down the stairs and through the hall and out the french doors that led to the back patio.
Russ was coming after her. She knew he was. She could hear him behind her, but she didn’t turn to look.
She burst through the doors and stumbled onto the patio, the cool air snapping against her skin after the heat of the house.
It was dark outside, the world lit only by a piece of moon and the patio lights. She stopped in surprise when she saw she wasn’t alone out here.
Penny and Kent. Wrapped up in an embrace and staring at her in surprise.
They were happy. They were in love.
Other women weren’t like Laura.
Other women didn’t always have to be strong.
“Oh,” Laura mumbled since Penny and Kent were both staring at her. “Sorry.”
Penny pulled away from Kent’s chest. “It’s fine. Is everything all right?”
“Laura!” Russ called from the french door he’d just opened. “Laura, don’t run away again!”
Since Penny and Kent were still staring at her, Laura said again, “Sorry.”
Then she kept running. Off the patio and onto the big lawn.
Russ kept coming after her.
Laura was in good shape. She exercised several times a week. But she’d never much liked running, and she certainly didn’t normally do it on the grass.
It was dark out here. The lights from the patio faded quickly. Laura knew her big backyard well. She’d grown up here. She’d climbed trees and played tag and taught her sisters in pretend school.
She knew the yard, but it all felt foreign right now, and she stumbled when her foot landed in a slight hole.