by S. Nahar
“Shh, it’s going to be alright. Don’t cry, tubby,” Tanwir said, softly.
“It hurts so much,” I breathed out as I choked on a sob.
“I know it does, but you’re a strong girl. You’re amazing, Amira. Don’t let this get you down.”
“No, I’m not. Allah probably hates me for this,” I mumbled.
He pulled back to look at me with a fierce gaze. “Don’t you ever say that. Allah will always love you. You’re human who commits mistakes. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done wrong in your lifetime, as long as you always repent. Allah would rather have imperfect servant.”
I stayed silent and he continued.
“Stop beating yourself up about this. Yes, you made a mistake, but it’s okay. You’re still the strongest Muslimah I know. Everything about you, Amira, is enchanting. Don’t you ever wonder why so many aunties and uncles love you? It’s because of how strong your faith is. You’re a good person, but you’re not perfect,” he finished with a whisper.
I sniffled again and gave him a sad smile. “Thank you for everything you’ve done to me. I’m sorry if I was a bad sister to you. I really am,” I said, ashamed as I thought back to the day I insulted him in anger, when he found out about Damon.
“Hey, look at me,” he said. I moved my eyes to focus on his face. “I’m your older brother. Yeah, I’m a dick sometimes, and I’m not going to say I’m never going to hurt you again because I most likely will, but I will never leave you. We’re family and a family sticks together through hard times,” he grinned.
I laughed as I wiped away my tears. “Ohana means family, am I right?”
He shook his head at me, amused. “Okay, Stitch. Now get up, you have to eat.”
I rolled my eyes. “Still, as bossy as ever,” I muttered.
“What’d you just say to me?” he asked with narrowed eyes. I knew he was joking from the mischievous glint in his eye.
“Oh nothing,” I shrugged, innocently.
“Uh-huh, sure. By the way Mum comes back from the hospital in like an hour with Nanu.”
I face palmed myself. With everything happening, I completely forgot about my family issues. Oh, I’m such a terrible granddaughter.
“How is he?” I asked nervously.
“He’s... well, not okay, but he doesn’t care. He’s just too selfish to realize how much we all care,” said Tanwir, angrily.
I froze. Did I hear him right? “Did you just admit to caring?” I smirked.
He opened his mouth most likely to deny, but then he closed it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, as he looked away.
I squealed. “I knew it! I knew you weren’t a cold bastard!”
“Amira, be quiet! Geez!” he grumbled.
I chuckled. “Well, how come you acted like you couldn’t stand Nanu and Nani here?” I asked, curiously.
He clenched his fists at his sides and I wondered if I provoked him. “It’s... I... I just hate seeing people I care about act so selfish. I didn’t want to blow up in front of them, but I can’t stand it.”
I nodded my head in understanding. “You think he’ll be alright? I really don’t want to lose him like... Aisha,” I whispered her name, afraid of Tanwir’s reaction.
He closed his eyes as if he were in pain. His body tensed when I mentioned her name.
“I miss her sometimes. Makes me wonder who else we’ll lose like that,” I said softly.
“I miss her too. A lot has changed hasn’t it?” he laughed humorlessly. “I sometimes wish that she was still alive; that I didn’t try to end my life that night,” he looked at me with a grief.
I walked up to him and hugged him. “We’ll be okay. Allah will take care of us, right?”
“Yeah, In Shaa Allah (If God wills it).”
***
Tanwir and I were playing an intense chess match. Currently, he was winning, but I was determined. I moved my King and realized my mistake. Fudge.
“Haha! Checkmate! I told you I would win!” he gloated.
I glared at him. “Shut the hell up. You got lucky.”
He stuck his tongue out at me. “It ain’t luck. It’s called skill,” he smirked.
“Nonexistent skills you mean,” I muttered.
“I heard that!”
“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t want you to hear it.”
“Ouch, why don’t you love me?” he asked playing hurt, as he placed a hand over his heart.
I gave him a sly grin. “Oh, baby you should go and love yourself,” I sang.
“Amira, shut up!” he begged, as he put his hands to his ears.
I kept going until I heard the front door opened. Tanwir and I exchanged glances as Mum walked in with sagged shoulders with Baba not too far away from her. The bags under their eyes seemed to have deepened in the course of a couple of weeks yet their eyes drooped more than ever like they were trying not to faint form their worldly struggles.
“What do we do?” she asked.
Baba gripped onto a paper tightly as he spoke. “We have to talk to them.”
“What’s going on?” Tanwir asked.
Baba sighed. I felt anxiety consuming me as I waited for his answer.
“Your Nanu destroyed both his kidneys. He needs dialysis, but it’s over a hundred thousand dollars,” Baba said through clenched teeth.
I gasped.
“A hundred thousand dollars?!”
“How the hell are we going to pay that?” asked Tanwir.
Baba looked away. His silence told me the answer. We couldn’t pay for it. That amount of money was more than our parents could make in a whole year. Hell, a doctor could make that much because it’s a highly-paid kind of job.
“But what happens if we don’t?” I asked with a hint of fear.
“We lose him,” Mum said quietly.
We all went silent as if trying to comprehend what was happening. Nanu might die.
Chapter 39
Happily Never Afters
Damon Winters
I drove my car to Amira’s house. I was getting anxious by the second, having no idea what compelled me, yet, there I was in the middle of the road, struggling to get to her house without making her freak out.
The sun began to set as I turned on the road. The air was breezy, but the animals were as silent as the foreboding night. The golden orb fell down the horizons, slowly sinking into the depths of the Earth as a pomegranate pink sprayed across the sky.
My eyes landed on a girl with a scarf wrapped tightly around her head, wearing a long black garment, and I pressed on my brake.
Pushing my car to reverse, I waited for her to pass by me and followed her. Amira kept walking and as I got closer, I realized the furious way her feet hit the pavement. The wind softly brushed against her golden skin with the last remnants of sunlight kissing her gently.
I parked my car and got out. Amira stood still as I walked toward her, slowly. She didn’t run or scream. Everything was eerily silent that I could only hear her heavy breathing. When I got near her, she spoke instantly freezing me.
“Leave me alone, Winters,” she said in a voice without emotions. I felt chills crawl up my spine as she used that dead tone of hers.
“Amira,” I breathed.
Stepping closer, I hesitantly turned her around to face me, ignoring the slight tension that coiled around her shoulders. I felt guilt come at me with a harsh force that threatened to drag me down.
Her eyes were glossy with tears and I saw a drop trail down her cheek. Instinctively, I held her face gently in my hands and wiped it away. My fingers lightly caressed her cheek and she didn’t push me away. She didn’t hit me.
Tye’s words came crashing back. Your only enemy is yourself.
Suddenly, she slapped my hand away and glared at me. “Don’t touch me,” she said.
I put my hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
I missed her so much and I wanted her back; her beautiful smile, the te
asing playful side of her that never failed to amuse me, her adorable giggle at one of my stupid pick-up lines, and how her eyes lit up whenever she ranted about something. However, most of all, I wanted her love back.
She snapped her fingers in front of me, which grabbed my attention. “You don’t get it, do you?” she asked.
I gave her a puzzled expression.
She sighed. “Damon, please. Leave me alone. Don’t talk to me ever again and stay away from me,” she said, biting her lip. “I mean it this time. Leave. Me. Alone.”
“What?” I asked with narrowed eyes.
“You heard me.”
I scoffed in disbelief. “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”
She gave me a blank expression. “I’m serious.”
“Amira, listen to yourself! You’re telling me to basically forget about you!”
“Well, maybe that’s what I want!”
“Well, maybe I don’t!”
“Stop yelling at me!”
I stopped my retort, clenching my jaw. “Amira... Don’t test my patience tonight,” I growled in anger. She was unbelievable.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “News flash, Damon. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
“What’s the matter with you? Can’t you see that I’m actually trying right now? It’s like you think I’m always going to be here waiting for you to love me back,” I practically exploded. “I don’t even know why I bothered. I should have just left you alone. I knew you’d do this.”
I saw her eyes widen for a second before she composed herself. My words cut deep enough to trigger something from within. Amira truly believed that there was nothing left for us except a typical tragedy, a typical high school sweetheart that shredded as years went by. She didn’t believe that our love was worth it and I didn’t believe that our love would survive.
But why do I still want to try?
“You’re insufferable! Guys like you make me want to stab them for their clueless brains. You don’t know anything!” she hissed with her dark brown eyes burning with fiery spirit. “You don’t know what I feel. You don’t know how hard this is for me? You think it’s all fun and games, but it’s not. It’s not a fairy tale for me, Damon. It hurts. Everything just hurts.”
“Why won’t you admit anything to me? How will I know your feelings if you don’t tell me?” I asked, softly.
“Because I told you to move on, Damon. I deserve this,” she said.
“No, you don’t. Love isn’t supposed to hurt you.”
“Yet, it’s the worst kind of pain. I don’t want to sin, Damon. I don’t even want to go near it, but I can’t… I can’t…” she struggled to say as her chest began to heave. “I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
The sun went down with a new night arising from its debris and a galaxy of stars were waiting to be revealed behind the black curtain of darkness. The fire that had fueled us had been extinguished, releasing a blanket of cold air around us. It was bittersweet. We weren’t good for each other, but we were like magnets constantly being pulled back whenever we were apart.
“Amira,” I whispered, “I love you. All I want is for you to feel the same.”
The despair had only heightened the corners of her eyes, a river of pain threatening to spill. “You can’t do that to me, Damon. Have more mercy in your soul than that. Don’t do this to me,” she begged as she took a step back, eyes wide with fear.
“What’s wrong?”
“You can’t claim to love me and kiss another girl. That’s not how love works. Please, don’t mess with my feelings like that. I don’t know how much more I can take,” she whispered, bringing her hands to cradle her head. Her body trembled like an inharmonious ricochet off her thoughts.
“I’m not messing with your feelings! I really do love you,” I spoke, defensively.
“When will you stop lying to me? Just... go away.”
“No.”
“What did you just say?”
“I said no,” I repeated, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Damon, stop this nonsense.” she sighed.
“Not until you tell me how you really feel.”
“Damon—”
“Amira, why? Why are you angry at me when you told me to move on? Why are you pushing me away?” I blurted out the questions that were deep inside my mind without realizing it.
She looked taken aback. It was like realization finally dawned to her. Her shoulders slumped, her head hanging low, hands lying limply at her sides. My mind was yelling at me to go and beg for her forgiveness, but I stayed rooted to my spot. I had to know.
“You’re right,” she muttered, casting her gaze away as if in shame. “I have no right to be angry. It’s all my fault.”
I stayed silent. The wind howled around us, and it felt as if time was going by slowing. The crickets chirped, filling our silence in their constant tune. My mind seemed to be working overdrive as I tried to puzzle Amira together in my mind.
Several moments of silence stretched between us. It seemed like neither of us knew what to say. The atmosphere was thick. The cold night air seeped into my skin, crawling up my arms. When she suddenly spoke, my muscles had immediately tensed upon hearing the slight chill to her voice.
“I’m sorry for my actions, but I’m not sorry for my behavior. You knew the reasons why I had to let you go. I did it for you. Don’t you get it, Damon? I did all this because I love you,” she gave me a sad smile.
I stood there awestruck. It was out in the open now. She loved me.
“I didn’t want you to be hurt and I knew if you were with me, you would be hurt. Life is blissful for a while, but eventually we will end up hurting each other,” she said softly.
Without knowing what I was doing, I rushed over and pulled her into my arms with joy seeping through my pain. There were no thoughts about all the wrongs in my life because I finally had something that was right, a girl who felt too right to be in my arms. I was at my high indestructible peak at the tallest mountain.
Amira loved me.
She pushed me away. “Damon, you realize that nothing changes now, right? I still can’t be with you,” she frowned.
Not yet. I wanted to say, but I had to be patient with this. “Yeah, I know.”
She nodded her head, seeming a bit suspicious of my intentions, but nonetheless left it alone. “Right. Okay, well I should get going.”
I grabbed her arm. “Let me walk you,” I smiled.
“Please don’t. My parents would kill me.”
I winked at her. “Trust me I’m slick.”
She reluctantly agreed.
***
“You know you don’t have to keep hurting like this, Amira. We could still be together,” I said.
She shook her head. “Allah comes first,” she stated.
I rolled my eyes. Not again with this religion crap. “Religions seem too constricting,” I shrugged.
“They’re really not. It’s like a safe haven. Like a guide towards a content life.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, sarcastically.
“I’m serious. Why don’t you learn about some religions? Even if you won’t convert to them, it’s a good idea to have some basic knowledge. That way you can understand people better.”
I gave her a sideways glance. “I don’t know.”
“Ignorance isn’t always bliss, you know. It can cause a lot of hurt, a lot of hate crimes, and a lot of unnecessary disasters that could have easily been avoided if people had educated themselves,” she said, a faraway look in her eyes. I knew she was talking about the recent jump in hate crime statistics that had dominated the news media from bold headlines to nonstop coverage.
“I suppose you’re right.”
When we got close to her house, she paused and turned to me with a smile as if she was welcoming me towards a realm of knowledge. “Think about it,” she had said. “It might change how you see the world.”
I watched her walk to her house. She waved at me
one last time before she unlocked her door and vanished from my vision. I stayed nearby for just a minute longer, wondering why everyone kept telling me to learn more on my own about other cultures and religions. How do I make things right again?
I heard the Muslim prayer call, faintly from Amira’s house.
Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar.
It was like a light bulb went on in my head.
Chapter 40
Damn Damon
Amira Sarker
I gloomily walked to my science class which was biology. Teachers shouldn’t give tests on Mondays. What was life at this point? The worst part of it all was that Damon was in that class.
I wanted to just go hide under a rock whenever I saw him. Ever since Friday night when we had that deep conversation, I just felt empty and awkward near him. I didn’t want to face him and his girlfriend. That thought itself made me cringe.
I scoffed. He said that he loved me.
“Amira!” Ana exclaimed when I opened the door.
“Huh?” I asked, confused.
“Aye, it’s my best art buddy,” Sean grinned.
I placed my binder on the table, and put my backpack down on the gross looking science class floor. I noticed that Sean was in my seat. “Hold up, you’re in this class now?”
His grin grew more. “Hell, yeah I am. My schedule changed.”
“Well, that’s great for you, but like you mind getting out of my seat?”
He crossed his legs on the table and put his arms behind his head. “Yeah, no. I’m pretty comfortable here,” he smirked.
I laughed. “Aw, how cute. You thought I was asking. No, sweetheart, it was a demand not a request so move.”
His jaw dropped at my remark, while Ana held her stomach from laughter. “Well, damn, Amira. So bossy,” he muttered.
“Did someone say ‘damn Daniel’ here?” Thomas asked as he came up to our table.
Just then Damon walked into the classroom as well. His ‘girlfriend’ was nowhere in sight. I couldn’t help but feel pleased at the thought but I quickly reminded myself to stop.