by S. Nahar
Sean had a mischievous glint in his eyes, a gaze that even Shaytan (Satan) would scurry in fear from. Ana and I exchanged nervous glances at each other. This can’t be good.
Sean shrugged. “Hey, we don’t have a Daniel but we have a Damon,” he winked at me as Damon was walking past us.
I hid a giggle behind my hands, careful not to alert Damon of Sean’s plans. If only our teacher was here to enjoy it with us. The ‘Damn, Daniel’ was a joke from a 2016 viral video. These two guys made a collection of Snapchat stories that brought them to internet fame due to one of the boys exaggerating his friend, Daniel’s, outfits.
Damon stopped his steps as he heard his name. He slowly turned around, knowing the sense of dread almost instantly from Sean’s wide smile. “I swear to God, Sean. If you say—”
“Damn Damon! Back at it again with the fancy Jordans!” Sean hollered.
Damon looked down at his athletic shoes as a sigh escaped his lips, lifting his head to glare at Sean. Ana, Thomas, and I cracked up from laughter, the melodic sound of entertained students echoing down the halls. The rest of our class filed in, excited to see what the hype was this morning. We probably sounded like psychopaths.
“Damn Damon!” Thomas repeated in a nasal voice.
“Oh, my freaking God. Shut the hell up. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Honestly, that kid didn’t even deserve a scholarship. I swear there’s something wrong with this country,” Damon scoffed in annoyance.
“Definitely. I hate how Josh, you know the guy who was saying ‘damn Daniel,’ only got a surfboard while Daniel got all this attention for legit doing nothing. His clothes weren’t even that great,” I said, referring to all the coverage the meme had gotten.
Damon grinned at me, leaning against my table with his arms crossed over his chest. I could see his biceps move with the motion and strained against his black t-shirt. I drew my gaze back to his face and saw him smirking at me, probably realizing that I was checking him out to some degree. I quickly looked away.
What happened to lowering your gaze, Amira?
Sometimes I really hated my conscious mind.
“At least Amira understands how annoying that stupid video is,” Damon muttered.
“Hey, man! That’s quality work right there. You can’t tell me it’s not funny-” Sean started to say but was interrupted.
“Oh my God, Sean. Shut up already!” exclaimed Ana with the ghost of a smile still feathering her lips. She enjoyed riling him up.
Thomas, Damon, and I stifled a laugh. Sean glared at all of us and then leaned back against his chair, which was right next to Ana’s now, and propped his legs onto the table. He had changed seats during our argument. I shook my head, amused. Where were his manners?
“Okay boys, time to go back to your side of the classroom. Me and Ana have to get acquainted with our new... group member,” I said, feigning distaste. I even scrunched up my nose to add an effect to my words.
“Hey! What the— Why are you saying it like I’m a disease? I swear, I’m harmless,” he pouted.
Ana and I exchanged troublesome glances at each other. Oh, she definitely knows what I’m thinking.
“Well...” we both trailed off with a shrug.
Sean dropped his legs from their careless position and slammed his fists onto the table. “Well, fuck you guys!” he yelled, annoyed.
“Watch your profanity!” Damon and I said simultaneously.
We looked at each other, shocked.
I felt the corner of my lips tug upwards as I said, “Yeah, look who’s talking, Mr. I-Like-To-Curse-A-Lot.”
“Ouch. My princess wounds me,” he said with a strange edge to his voice, which made him sound genuine.
I felt myself tense. Our playful mood shifted to serious in a matter of seconds. I realized our other three friends were quietly watching us.
“Maybe the princess doesn’t want a knight in shining armor,” I retorted while trying to keep a blank face.
Please, don’t see my emotions. I don’t want you to know.
“Maybe she’s just scared of falling in love with him.”
I hated how cheeky he looked as he said that. I hated that irresistible spark that lit his green eyes like shimmering stars. I hated how my stomach would flip whenever he gazed at me with such ardor.
“Maybe—”
“Good afternoon, class!” greeted Ms. Lyons, completely ruining the hypothetical world Damon and I had created.
We all took our seats as class began. I felt someone nudge my shoulder. I looked to my side to see Ana’s concerned expression.
“You alright?” she asked.
I hesitated. Was I alright?
No, I’m not.
I nodded my head. “Yeah I’m fine, just stuff at home that’s been bothering me. Nothing too serious,” I smiled reassuringly.
She didn’t look too convinced, but nodded her head anyway. “Just know that I’m here for you. All of us are,” she said as she gestured with her hands the friends we have in this class.
My heart warmed at her words. She was right. My friends are all here for me. I just have to open up to them and let them play therapist for a change. On most days, I would be the healer of their wounds whether they be physical or emotional, I had been their guide to redemption. I had inspired them yet I never took my own advice.
I chose to hide in my shell, and that would be my destruction one day.
“Thank you. It means a lot to me. Love you, buddy,” I winked.
She chuckled. “Yeah, I know I’m great,” she said as she flipped her hair over her shoulder.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah okay, McCocky.”
“McCocky? Really?” she asked with elevated brows.
I shrugged. “What can I say? My nicknames are that great.”
She simply shook her head, amused, and returned her attention back to Ms. Lyon’s lesson.
From across the room, I could see Damon’s eyes on me. He wasn’t even trying to be discreet. I ignored him. I couldn’t deal with that longing look in his eyes. I wanted to hate him for having a girlfriend and for telling me he loved me when he held another girl in his arms yet I couldn’t bring myself to.
One day, I was going to have to face all these problems, maybe even alone. I was extremely grateful to have my friends by my side that genuinely loved me. Allah could take anything away at any given time, no matter the weather, no matter the day, Allah had the ability to test us whenever He deemed it to be a good time.
I was grateful for everything Allah had given me in my life, regardless of all the suffering it had taken me to be at this point in my life. Yes, like every other human being, I was greedy for more, greedy for love, greedy for Damon and his unwavering attention.
Help me, Allah. Save me from this temptation. If Damon and I were meant to be, make a way for us. If not, then put obstacles between us. Ameen.
I brought my mind back to planet Earth and focused on my assignment, leaving my previous thoughts in the back of my mind.
***
I was at my locker packing up to go to Tasneem’s house. No one was home and Tasneem’s family offered their place to me until someone was home. As I walked to Tasneem’s car, I noticed two familiar figures talking in hushed voices at a corner.
I squinted my eyes and saw that it was Damon and Thomas. The two tensed as Kaylie skipped towards Damon. Damon was pale as ever and nervously laughed at something she said. He whispered something in her ear, much to Thomas’s dismay it seemed, and she giggled. She grabbed his jaw and kissed him hard on the mouth for a second and then left him standing there bewildered.
I quickly shielded my eyes from the scene. I felt familiar pricks of pain touch my heart. I gasped a deep breath. Oh Allah, why is such a pain so unbearable that I can’t even breathe? I’ve heard and seen Aria go through heartbreaks yet I never imagined they’d feel this bad.
The fact that I had kept all these conflicting emotions inside me for so long was starting to bring me clo
ser and closer to insanity. I didn’t know how much more I could take before I burst.
I proceeded to walking to the front of the building. I saw Tasneem, Lucy, Meredith, and Aria standing there, chattering. I ran up to them, leaving all contemplations about Damon and his girlfriend behind, and all thoughts of heartbreak in the debris of my awaiting night ahead.
“Hey!” I waved.
“Amira! Okay, everyone is here, so let’s go to our study session, people. Aria, could you take Lucy and Meredith with you? I have to talk to Amira,” Tasneem said.
Uh oh. She wants to talk to me. This can’t be good.
“Sure, no problem. Let’s go guys,” Aria gave me a reassuring smile as if to tell me ‘this talk’ wasn’t going to be bad.
Tasneem and I got in her car. As she started up the engine, I caught a glimpse of Damon’s car. Thomas and him seemed to be having an intense conversation in his car, and by the look of controlled anger on Damon’s face, he was not pleased. I wonder what was up with them now.
I heard that they had a fight last week, which was odd considering how nice of a guy Thomas was and how close their friendship was. Come to think of it, Damon was said to have gotten into a big argument with Jacob earlier today.
There you go again, listening to rumors. Stop.
“Do you like Damon?” asked Tasneem, bursting my bubble.
I blinked. “What?” I asked.
She took in a deep breath. “Do you like Damon?” she reiterated.
“No.”
She looked taken aback. “You don’t?”
I shook my head. “I think what I feel is more than like,” I said softly.
Just like that, my vision blurred from the memories that consumed me.
Chapter 41
The Letter
Amira Sarker
I choked up. “You can’t love me. You’re going to get hurt.”
He shook his head with a slight smile. “I don’t care. I can’t stop loving you.”
“Damon, love can ruin you. Don’t you understand? I might ruin you.”
“Then let it ruin me. Amira, I’m in love with you and I can’t stop it,” he said softly, reaching to grab my hands. I felt tingles reach up my arms. “I need you. Without you, Amira, I am nothing.”
That adrenaline that ran through my blood vessels, as I heard him say those words was something I never felt before. Everything about him, even if it was small, made me fall in love with him every day. The worst part was I couldn’t stop these feelings, even if I tried too.
I wanted more of his love and I wanted to be selfish. Just once, but I knew I couldn’t be that selfish, at least not with my religion and sanity on the line.
“Amira?” Tasneem’s voice brought me out of my dark thoughts.
I hummed in response.
She sighed. “Are you sure you love him? You’re only seventeen. You don’t know what love is! How can you be so sure?” she asked, tiredly as if she were speaking down to me.
Something snapped inside me. Did she really think I’d rush to a conclusion like that if I wasn’t sure? “I know what I feel is true. You know that I’m immune to playboy antics and looks, it’s just not me. I choose personality over appearance, and if he had a rotten personality, I wouldn’t be sticking around him as much as I do. I know I love him. I tried to deny these feelings, Tasneem. I really tried. I know it’s wrong, but I’m only human. I-I don’t know what to do anymore,” I stuttered as I blinked away the tears from the pain I felt, knowing that my own sister in Islam judged me too quickly.
Tasneem stayed quiet for a while as I inhaled uneasy breaths to calm down. After several moments of stretched silence, she spoke in a hoarse voice like she was ashamed of herself.
“But Damon? Out of all people, you choose him?” she asked, incredulously.
“When do we ever get a choice in how we feel about others? I can’t just close off all my emotions. Besides, I didn’t do anything out of bounds with him. I told him to leave me alone and move on,” I muttered, annoyed at her for making me feel guilty.
“Amira, that’s not what I meant. I’m only looking out for you.”
“Well, friends don’t judge others like that. Do you have any idea on the amount of pain I was going through all this? I know it’s wrong for goodness sake! I know that he and I aren’t meant to be; but tell me, how does one just ignore something like that? How do I make the right decision when temptation is pulling me closer to it? Do you have any idea how guilty I am? On how many nights I cried and prayed to Allah to save me from Zina (unlawful intercourse)?” I asked her hysterically. “Do you have any idea?”
It hurt. It really did hurt to know that even my friend was turning against me because I fell in love. It was like everyone expected me to be perfect, but didn’t realize that I wasn’t perfect. I was still a teenager. I had mood swings and had crazy moments. I was just a girl trying to figure out life. Why should I be judged for one mistake I made?
“I’m sorry. I admire you, Amira. I really do. I can’t imagine how much pain you must have felt for letting something so precious to get away like that. Oh, my Allah. We all even talked about Kaylie right in front of you,” she gasped as realization dawned upon her. ”Amira, I’m so sorry. If I had known-”
“Hey, relax. It’s okay. You didn’t know. Don’t feel bad,” I said, gently.
“Yeah but—”
“Tasneem,” I pleaded. “It’s really okay. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it,” I smiled reassuringly.
“Stop saying that!” she exclaimed as the car came to a sudden halt on the side of the road. I jerked forward. “Amira,” she said, strained. “I know you. I know how hard you try to conceal all your feelings. I know how much you care for people, even more than yourself, but you have to realize that we all care for you, too. Listen to your own advice, Amira. Let us help you carry your burdens. We’re your friends. You helped Meredith, Aria, Lucy, Alexis, me, and a whole bunch of other people through the most difficult times in our lives. It’s time for us to take care of you,” she said softly as she held my hands in a tight grip.
I was stunned and became speechless. Here with me was not just a friend since I was twelve, but my sister in Islam. She made a point. I did refuse to take help when I really needed it.
“I guess I can’t always be the therapist, huh?” I asked with a smile.
The corners of her mouth twitched upwards. “Even a therapist needs help sometimes,” she said.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I need to take my own advice before I destroy myself emotionally.”
“Hey, it’s okay. There’s always room for improvement even in some of the strongest minds.”
I laughed. “Start driving, you fool. The others are probably worried,” I urged her as I pulled my hands away.
“Not until you promise to be more open with me and the rest of our friends,” she bargained.
I hesitantly nodded my head. Well, why not? Allah is giving me an option to help me, might as well take advantage of it. “I promise.”
With that said, we continued our way to her house.
***
It was around 8 pm when I came home. I told my friends about Aisha and a little about my crush on Damon. I only said I liked him because it didn’t feel right to tell the whole world about Damon and our conflict. I just wasn’t ready yet. It felt a lot better to tell someone about my own stresses in life like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I could finally breathe again.
Thank you, Allah, for blessing me with such amazing people in my life, I thought.
For once, in the last couple of months, I started to feel lighter and happier. Yeah, life was rough, but there were always good memories to shine through the dark ones.
Knock Knock.
I jumped. Geez, why does that always scare me?
“Come in.”
Tanwir’s head peeked from the side of the door. “Yo, there’s a letter for you. I just thought I’d deliver it,” he said with a bored tone as he handed
me the letter. He looked around my room with distaste. “Why is your room so messy? You know cleanliness is part of our faith, tubby. You should practice it.”
I rolled my eyes and opened the letter. “Jerk,” I mumbled.
He glared at me. “Say that to my face, chicken head.”
I looked up and smirked. “Now, where’s the fun in that, my dear brother?” I asked in an overly sweet tone.
“Just read the damn letter, loser,” he sighed in annoyance.
I grinned at him playfully and read the contents of the letter. I felt my eyes go wide as I reread the letter again. Oh my Allah. My jaw dropped.
“What? What’s going on? Why are you looking at the paper like that?” he asked.
“Oh my God! Tanwir, I got in! They accepted me to my first choice university! I got accepted! Alhamdulillah (thanks to God)!” I screamed, happily.
“Wait! Lemme see that.” He grabbed the letter and skimmed through the contents. A slow grin spread across his face. “Congratulations! I knew you could do it,” he said smugly.
I playfully rolled my eyes and thundered down the stairs to tell my parents. “Mum! Baba! I got in! I got in! Look!” I exclaimed through the halls.
“What?” Baba asked as he lowered the TV volume.
I saw Nanu and Nani look at me inquisitively. I ignored them momentarily, showing Baba the letter. Tanwir followed me down and leaned against the wall with crossed arms, a look of pride was written across his calm visage. I eagerly waited for Baba to finish reading the letter. I couldn’t stand still.
My grandparents smiled, knowing the contents of the letter had clearly lifted my spirits again.
Baba’s frown deepened as he finished reading it. I felt my own facial expression reflect his, Tanwir was tensing behind me. Baba slowly put the letter down with his unreadable eyes.
“You can’t go,” he stated firmly.
“What? Baba, this is one of the best universities for students that wish to pursue a career in the medical field. I have to go to this school. It’s my dream,” I desperately pleaded in front of him.