Until Harry

by L. A. Casey

  I didn’t like how dark the room was now that I was awake, so I turned on the lamp on the bedside table next to me and relaxed back into the pillow I was lying on. I closed my eyes on a sigh but snapped them back open when I heard groaning next to me.

  “My head is killing me,” Kale grumbled, and lifted his hands to his face, covering it completely.

  I snorted. “That’s what you get for downing Jack.”

  Kale’s entire body tensed when I spoke, and he slowly lowered his hands from his face and turned to look at me.

  “Good morning,” I said, beaming.

  “Lane?” Kale whispered, then rubbed his eyes and repeatedly blinked them.

  He choked on air when he glanced down to my naked breasts, then widened his eyes. Lifting up the bed sheets that covered him, he looked down at his naked body.

  “Oh, Jesus,” he panicked. “Oh, Christ.”

  I frowned at him. “What’s wrong?”

  Kale snapped his gaze to me. “What’s wrong? Are you fucking serious?”

  I was taken aback by his sudden anger. “I don’t understand why you’re so mad,” I replied, my temper rising to match his. “You were fine a few hours ago!”

  He shook his head in dismay. “I was drunk a few hours ago, Lane.”

  Sickness attacked my stomach, and hurt gripped my heart.

  “Wh-What are you saying?” I whispered, not wanting to hear the answer to my question.

  Kale looked at me once more and frowned deeply. “I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me.”

  Forgive him?

  “For what?” I asked, my eyes welling up with tears.

  He grunted. “You know what for . . . We had sex, Lane.”

  I was instantly gutted when I saw the regret on his face. “You . . . you’re sorry we had sex?” I asked, trying my hardest not to allow my voice to crack.

  He placed his head in his hands. “Of course I am. You’re my best friend, you’re only seventeen and I don’t even remember sleeping with you. Oh, fuck, what have I done? Did I hurt you? Did I use a condom?”

  I couldn’t speak.

  I couldn’t move.

  I couldn’t think.

  “Lane,” Kale breathed, and turned to me, the bed sheets still covering his lower body. “Please, forgive me. I’m begging you. I’m so sorry if I hurt you.”

  “You didn’t have a condom, but you promised you would pull out, and you did.” I looked at him and blinked. “You didn’t hurt me either.”

  He just fucking destroyed me.

  Kale closed his eyes. “I’m such a fucking prick.”

  Yes. Yes, he was.

  “Do you remember anything?” I asked after a lengthy silence.

  He was looking at me, but turned away from me when I asked my question, and said, “No.”

  How on earth was that possible?

  “Kale, you weren’t that drunk,” I stated. “You were tipsy at most.”

  He moved away when I reached for him, and it really hurt my feelings. “I don’t know what to tell you, Lane. I was drunk. I’m just not a messy drunk, I guess, but that doesn’t mean I remember shit.”

  Did he have to word it like that?

  I swallowed. “You weren’t even slurring, though—”

  “I don’t remember it, okay?” he bellowed.

  I wasn’t expecting him to shout at me, and it caused me to almost jump out of my skin.

  “I’m sorry,” he said when he saw that he’d scared me. “I’m so sorry about all of this. It’s all my fault.”

  I was so confused.

  “You told me you liked me,” I whispered.

  “If I said that, then I wasn’t lying. I do like you – I swear I do. You’re fucking gorgeous, but it’s been embedded in me to look out for you because you are like a sister to me, and for a long time you have been, Lane.”

  He truly saw me as his sister?

  Oh, my God.

  I felt sick.

  “It’s okay,” I breathed, forcing back the bile that wanted to rise up my throat. “We’ll just forget about it. It’s not a big deal.”

  It was a big deal; it was a huge fucking deal.

  “Lane.”

  I refused to look at him; the tears that were in my eyes would fall, otherwise.

  “No, Kale, I swear it’s fine,” I said, and fumbled with the sheets to cover my body. “You’re right – this was a mistake.”

  It almost killed me to say the biggest lie of my life.

  “I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you,” he said, clearly in distress. “I hate myself for upsetting you.”

  Stop. Talking.

  “It’s fine, honestly,” I assured him.

  It wasn’t fine, not at all.

  “I wasn’t . . . I wasn’t your first, was I?”

  I looked up at him and saw the horror in his expression. He truly didn’t remember any of what we did, not even the conversation we’d had before.

  That cut me deep.

  “No,” I lied through my teeth. “No, I’ve had sex before.”

  His jaw set before he slowly nodded.

  “Can you – can you turn around so I can get dressed?” I asked, an embarrassed flush covering the surface of my face and neck.

  I wasn’t being shy; I was simply mortified at having to do a degrading redress from the night before, then do the walk of shame from someone who I should never have been walking away from.

  I quickly got up from the bed and scrabbled around the room, picking up my underwear and Lavender’s borrowed clothes and pulling them on in record time. When I got my heels on and checked that my phone and house key were still in the back pocket of the skirt I was wearing, I moved towards the door, with my head downcast.

  “Lane?” his voice murmured.

  I froze at the door of the bedroom.

  “What is it, Kale?” I asked, tears splashing onto my cheeks.

  “You mean the world to me, and you know I’d never be horrible to you or say something hurtful unless it was for your own good, don’t you?”

  My head was pounding, and I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

  I couldn’t make sense of it.

  “I have to go, Kale.”

  He was silent for a moment, and then he said, “Just . . . don’t hate me. Please.”

  That was the damn problem. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t, I loved him too much to ever experience another emotion when it came to him, and I hated that.

  “I don’t hate you,” I whispered.

  I heard Kale exhale a relieved breath.

  “Will you be okay getting home?” he asked, concerned.

  I nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Look, I’ll see you over Christmas break, and I’m telling you, we’ll laugh our heads off about this by then.”

  That was highly doubtful.

  “Yeah,” I lied. “It’ll be hilarious.”

  “Take my jumper; I left it up here when I got to the party a few hours ago. Please . . . take it. You’ll freeze outside wearing just that.”

  I hesitated in turning.

  “Lane, please,” he pleaded. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

  I swallowed my hurt and pride, and turned to face him. I made sure not to look at him directly, though, as I walked over to the bed and grabbed his jumper from the floor. I quickly put it on, then moved back over to the door.

  Kale was silent for a moment before he said, “See you, Laney Baby.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut but reopened them as I reached for the handle of the bedroom door. I turned the lock and pulled the door open. I stepped out into the hallway, and without looking back, I said, “Bye, Kale”, and closed the door behind me.

  I stood there for a moment before I willed my legs to move. I began to walk down the hallway, and just before I took the left turn and headed for the stairs I heard Kale’s voice roar, “Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!” from back inside the bedroom where I’d given myself body and soul to him.

  I broke down then. H
e really regretted sleeping with me. He really regretted me, and he was clearly furious with himself over it. I couldn’t take the hurt that welled up inside of me. I ran down the hallway, jumping over a sleeping body here and there, until I got to the stairs and descended them two at a time. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I glanced around and winced at the state of the beautiful house I’d entered last night.

  It looked like a bomb had gone off, and I pitied the poor souls who had to clean it all up. I glanced at the large clock next to the stairs and saw it was close to half past five in the morning. There was no way I could go back to Lavender’s house, because she’d told her parents that she was sleeping in my house, but since she wasn’t with me, I had a pretty good idea of who she was with.

  I reached into the back pocket of my skirt, pulled out my phone and dialled her number.

  “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” I repeated over and over.

  “Hello?” Lavender’s husky voice answered.

  “It’s me. Where are you?” I asked, breathing a sigh of relief that she was okay.

  She mumbled something to someone, then to me she said, “I’m in Daven’s house. His mum had a late shift at the hospital, so he brought me back here when I couldn’t find you.”

  I was a shitty friend; she’d probably been worried sick about me.

  I winced. “Sorry about that, I went AWOL.”

  “It’s okay. Daven’s friend said he saw Kale bring you upstairs, so I left with Daven because I knew you would be safe with him.”

  Safe. Yeah.

  “Yeah,” I murmured. “I was with Kale.”

  “Wait,” she said, her voice suddenly more alert. “You were with Kale? Like with him?”

  “Yeah,” I said, and burst into tears.

  “Oh, babe, no,” Lavender whispered.

  “It was perfect,” I cried, “but he just woke up and freaked out on me. He said he didn’t remember us having sex and that he saw me as a sister. He regrets having sex with me, Lav. He regrets me.”

  “Where are you? I’m getting dressed and coming right over.”

  I wiped my face and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

  “No, it’s too early.” I sniffled. “Stay with Daven, I’m going to go ho-home. My dad will be gone to work, and my mum will be asleep. I’ll sneak in and get into bed, and when she wakes up, I’ll just say I came home early from your house.”

  “Are you sure?” Lavender asked. “I don’t care about the time. I’ll come to you right now if you need me to.”

  I heard a voice grumble, “Is she okay? Does she need me to pick her up?”

  I was surprised that Daven was even the slightest bit concerned; he never usually showed any emotion of any kind towards me. We would either fight over his fights with Lavender or ignore one another. There was no in-between with us.

  “She’s fine – go back to sleep.”

  I jerked my head when I heard movement upstairs in the house, and I was terrified it was Kale coming down the stairs so he could go to his parents’ house. I did not want to see him, so I focused on my phone.

  “I have to go, Lav.”

  “I’ll swing by yours on my way home in a few hours, okay?”

  I nodded. “’Kay.”

  “Love you, babe. Hang in there,” Lavender said.

  I sniffled. “I will. Love you too.”

  I hung up and pocketed my phone. I hated wearing Kale’s fleece jumper, but I folded my arms together and snuggled into the heat that it offered me as I opened the hall door of the house and stepped outside into the freezing morning air.

  My attire was a really bad fucking idea.

  I felt my teeth chatter as I walked down the never-ending driveway of the party house and headed in the direction of the village. My house was only fifteen minutes away, and because I briskly walked the entire way, I got there pretty fast.

  I took off Lavender’s wedged heels and held them in my hand as I walked up the driveway. I got my key out of my back pocket and held my breath as I approached the hall door. I put the key into the lock, turned it and gently nudged open the door. I silently stepped inside my house and carefully closed the door behind me, relocking it and then hanging the key on the rack.

  I quickly entered the alarm code when the warning sound began to beep. Once that was done, I crept up the stairs and cursed God himself when that stupid loose floorboard next to my bedroom creaked as I stood on it.

  I froze to the spot for a solid minute, and when I heard no movement coming from my parents’ room, I stepped off the stupid noisy floorboard and escaped into the safety of my bedroom, where I gently closed the door behind me. I tiptoed over to my dresser, opened the first drawer and shoved Lavender’s heels inside. I rid myself of her clothes and Kale’s jumper and shoved them into the drawer too.

  I washed my face clean of make-up, and brushed my hair out before plaiting it back out of my face. I climbed into my bed, where I lay for ages, staring at the glow-up stickers on my ceiling, wondering if my entire night was a dream – or a nightmare.

  “Lane, darling?” I heard my mother’s voice shout later that morning as I got out of the shower. I had scrubbed myself raw, trying to take away some of the pain I felt by replacing it with a physical one.

  My mother had come into my room at ten in the morning to collect my dirty washing from my hamper, and got the fright of her life when she found me asleep in bed. Her scream woke me up and nearly gave me a heart attack. I told her I’d come home at 9 a.m., but because she’d still been in bed, I’d gone back to bed too. She didn’t suspect a thing about what I had really been up to; she was more concerned about how she didn’t hear me come in.

  I opened my door and replied to her with a loud “Yeah?”

  “Can you come down here?”

  I pressed my forehead against my bedroom door and sighed. “Sure. Give me a second to get dressed.”

  I entered my room, got dried and changed into clothes before heading downstairs.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” my mother replied. “Just wanted to see what you wanted for dinner this evening.”

  “I’m cool with whatever you want to make,” I said.

  “Pizza and chips it is,” my mother chirped.

  I stared at her back, then sat on a chair next to the kitchen table. I was silent for a moment, and then suddenly I felt like talking to her because I felt really low.

  “Mum,” I mumbled, pushing my wet hair out of my face.

  She glanced at me over her shoulder for a moment, then went back to the dishes as she said, “Yes?”

  Talk, I willed myself.

  “I like Kale,” I blurted out.

  I held my breath as soon as the words were out of my mouth. My mother halted her movements and looked at me, her lips parted. “I know.”

  She knows? my mind screeched.

  I exhaled. “You do?”

  She nodded. “I always knew you had a little crush on him.”

  If my being in love with him was described as a “little crush” then yeah, I crushed on Kale hard. “How come you never said anything to me about it?” I questioned, feeling at a disadvantage. First, Kale had known I liked him, and now my mother did? Who else was aware of my clearly obvious feelings for him?

  She shrugged and turned to face me fully, a tea towel in her hands, drying them. “I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

  I frowned. “But you talked to me when I liked Blake, before Lochlan scared him off that is.”

  “That was different,” she lightly chuckled. “I didn’t know this Blake lad. He isn’t a son to me the way Kale is.”

  I felt my heart sink. “You really think of Kale as a son?”

  My mother nodded. “Your father does too. Even your Uncle Harry and Nanny consider him our family.”

  She wasn’t making me feel better. If anything, her words were making me feel worse.

  I scratched my neck. “It’d be weird for us to . . . you know, ever wind
up together then?” I asked, chuckling to help clear out the awkwardness I felt.

  My mother laughed. “Yeah, it’d be strange since everyone considers you his little sister.”

  I looked away from my mother so she wouldn’t see the hurt in my eyes. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said, and cleared my throat. “I guess I just liked him because he was always around me.”

  I was surprised at how easily I lied about something, someone that was so close to my heart.

  “That and Lochlan never let you close to a boy no matter how many times I warned him not to interfere.” My mother clucked her tongue, then turned her back to me as she carried on with hand-washing the dishes.

  “You know Lochlan.” I swallowed. “He just wants to protect me.”

  “Layton and Kale too,” she chuckled. “That’s what brothers do.”

  I’d never thought of Kale as a brother or relative of any kind, not since I was little. “Yeah,” I said, and stood up from the table. “Lavender will be over soon.”

  I heard the smile in my mother’s voice as she said, “I’m so glad you have a girlfriend to spend time with. You need to experience life outside of your circle with just Kale.”

  I hated to admit it, but I needed to experience life entirely outside of Kale, now more than ever. I really needed to speak to my Uncle Harry, because he got me – he always understood me so easily. He didn’t need to know about Kale and me having sex, but he could know something serious happened and that the outcome broke my heart in two.

  I heard my mother talking, but for the life of me I couldn’t hear what she was saying over my own thoughts. I nodded to her, even though she couldn’t see the gesture as I left the kitchen and headed up the stairs to my room. When I entered my room, I sat down on my bed and clutched at my chest as pain spread across it.

  I wiped under my nose with the back of my hand and looked over to my bedside table, where the vibrations of my phone rumbled against the wood. I dried my eyes with the corners of my towel, picked up my phone and saw Kale’s text message. My heart stopped.

  I hope u r ok. I’m so sry, I rly hope u dont h8 me. I luv u nd Im sry if Ive ruined evrythin.