Whispered Prayers of a Girl

by Alex Grayson

  But you do know, my mind whispers.

  “Sometimes you don’t need to know much about the person to know they are the one.”

  I think about her words for several moments. I’ve been drawn to Alexander from the first moment I met him. Standing in line at the grocery store, even with him being less than friendly, I felt some type of pull toward him. I didn’t know what it was, I still don’t, but it was definitely there, and it was strong. I wonder if he felt the same.

  “Why are you still here?” Emma asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Go to him, Gwen. You know you want to.”

  “I’m not sure if he wants us around,” I tell her.

  “You don’t let that boy push you away.”

  We both turn at the sound of Mrs. Myers’ raspy voice. She’s standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, the soft look in her eyes saying she heard our conversation, or at least enough of it to know what’s going on.

  “That boy has had enough sadness in his life to last a lifetime. It’s about time he had something good come his way.”

  “Do you really think we should go?”

  “Yes” comes from both of them.

  “What if he turns us away?” I whisper my fear.

  “I’m sure he’ll try,” Mrs. Myers says. “But you don’t let him. From what I’ve overheard, he’ll want you there, he’s just scared.”

  It only takes me a minute to think over what I should do.

  “Okay.”

  They both smile at me.

  Mrs. Myers leaves her spot by the door and walks to the fridge. “I’ll put together a couple plates of food for him.”

  I turn to Emma and pull her in for a hug. At her ear, I whisper, “Thank you.”

  I walk over to her grandmother and do the same. She pats my cheek when I pull back.

  “That man deserves some happiness, just as much as you do.”

  I leave them both in the kitchen preparing plates for us to take to Alexander. Daniel is on the floor playing with some of his new toys. Kelsey’s on the floor as well, but what has me surprised is the puppy sleeping on her lap. She’s staring down at Pepper with her brows pulled down, her hand slowly stroking her back. I take a minute to watch her, pleased that she’s taking a liking to the pup.

  “Hey, kids,” I call after a moment. “Grab all your stuff together and get ready to go.”

  “Aww… Mom.” Daniel pouts. “Can’t we stay for a bit longer?”

  I smile at them both. “Nope. How do you both feel about going to see Alexander?”

  That gets Daniel’s attention and he jumps up from the floor. “Can we really?” he practically yells.

  “Yes.”

  “Alright!” I laugh when he pumps his fist in the air and starts to immediately gather his toys together. If only it were always that easy getting him to clean his room.

  I turn to Kelsey and am pleased to find a light of interest in her eyes. She may not show it, but I know she misses him.

  “Would you like to go see Alexander, Kelsey?”

  Her nod comes faster than normal and has a bit more enthusiasm to it. She gets up from her perch on the floor, carefully setting Pepper back down, and starts gathering her things as well.

  Ten minutes later, the kids are bundled up and we’re at the door saying our goodbyes to Emma and Mrs. Myers. The puppy, food, and presents are already packed in the car.

  “I hate that I’m leaving early when you leave tomorrow,” I say after pulling back from our hug.

  “You’ll see me tomorrow when you take me back to the airport. And as soon as the hospital hires more nurses, I’ll come back for a longer visit.”

  “I miss you already.”

  “I miss you already too.”

  We both shed a tear or two before the kids and I walk to the car. Mrs. Myers lives on the same stretch of road that Alexander lives on, so it won’t take us long to get there. Butterflies start in my belly, and I’m nervous as hell as we pull out onto the road. Doubt starts to plague me. What if he really doesn’t want us around anymore? What if I’ve only imagined the connection we have?

  I clench my jaw and push the thoughts away. There’s no way I could have imagined the emotion in his eyes when he looked at me. I know he has to feel something for me.

  I look in the rearview mirror and see Daniel watching out the window, a look of anticipation on his face. I look next at Kelsey, and find more than just a blank expression on her face. I amend my earlier thought. I know he has to feel something for us.

  Five minutes later, I’m pulling up next to Alexander’s truck. I take a minute to compose myself before turning to the kids.

  “I want you both to stay here until I come back for you.”

  “Why can’t we go in with you?” Daniel asks, bouncing in his seat with excitement.

  “I want to make sure that it’s okay that we’re here first.”

  His brow wrinkles. “But why wouldn’t it be okay?”

  I smile. “Because he may have other plans.”

  I can tell he doesn’t like my answer, but he nods anyway. I pass a brief glance at Kelsey, then face forward again. Pulling the keys from the ignition, I suck in an encouraging breath, and exit the car.

  As I walk across the yard, my eyes catch on the partially built house. My heart hurts when I notice some of the walls that were standing yesterday are now lying in a pile beside the rest of the house. I know him tearing down the house had to have pained him.

  My legs shake the rest of the way to the porch and my heart pounds an erratic rhythm that I can hear in my ears. I stop in front of the door and will the nerves away. I lift my hand and rap my knuckles against the wood, then realize my knock was more like a light tap, so he probably didn’t hear it.

  “This is stupid, Gwen,” I mutter to myself. “Get a hold of yourself.”

  I knock harder and release a big whoosh of air as I wait for him to answer.

  And I wait.

  And wait some more.

  I frown, wondering why he’s not answering the door. I turn and look around the yard, but don’t see him or Gigi. A look at the barn shows the door firmly shut. I knock again, but get the same silent response. I contemplate going back to the car and leaving, but instead, something compels me to try the doorknob.

  It’s unlocked.

  After a moment of hesitation, I twist the knob and push open the door. The house is quiet when I peek inside.

  “Alexander?” I call, and still get nothing.

  I look back at the kids in the car before pushing the door the rest of the way open and stepping inside. The TV is on with the volume down and there’s a light on in the kitchen, both indicating he has to be around here somewhere. Again, I wonder if I should go out to my car and call him, but decide since I’m already here, I may as well try to find him.

  “Gigi!” I say loudly.

  A second later, Gigi comes running out from the hallway and skids to a stop in front of me, her tail thumping against the floor.

  I run my fingers through the hair on her head. “Where’s your daddy, girl?”

  Her tongue falling out the side of her mouth is my answer and it makes me laugh. I tilt my head to the side, listening for any sounds, but besides the whoosh of Gigi’s tail against the hardwood floor and the crackle of the fire, it’s silent.

  Knowing I should probably just leave, but feeling an uncontrollable need to see Alexander now that I’m here, I head toward the hallway Gigi came from. She trails behind me, making me feel a fraction better about being in Alexander’s house without his knowledge. At least she’s there to chaperone.

  The spare bathroom door is open when I pass by it, and as expected, he’s not in there. Just as I reach his bedroom doorway, a creaking sound comes. I know that sound. It’s the bathroom door in Alexander’s room.

  I stop in my tracks just outside the doorway as a billow of steam releases into the bedroom, followed by Alexander, wearing nothing bu
t a towel wrapped around his waist. I’m completely transfixed and feel like a creeper when all I can do is stand there and stare at him. His back is to me as he opens a dresser drawer. Strong muscles flex and move as he grabs something out and closes the drawer. There’s a tattoo on his upper right shoulder that looks to wrap around to the front, and another that covers his entire left side. It’s a jumble of a bunch of different things, but I’m unable to tell what they are. Unconsciously, I take a step closer to get a better look.

  His head snaps up when he hears the creak of the floor, and he whips around. I snap out of my daze and am just about to apologize for sneaking up on him, but my words catch in my throat. On his back, there’s not one burn mark that I could see. On his chest though, it’s a different story. The right side of his torso is completely covered in scars, all the way from his shoulder to below the towel. My eyes travel down past the towel that ends just above the knee and see the scars continue down.

  “What are you doing here?” his gravelly voice asks, and my eyes snap up to his. He’s standing there staring at me, one of his brows raised.

  My tongue stays stuck to the roof of my mouth for several seconds before I can force it to start working.

  “I… uh… I,” I stammer. I avert my eyes away from him, hoping not looking at him will help me answer his question. “I came….” I jerk my thumb over my shoulder toward the living room. “The kids and I came to see you.” I bring my eyes back to his for a brief moment, then move them away again. “No one should be alone on Christmas.” Then I finish lamely, “Mrs. Myers sent food.”

  When he doesn’t say anything, I bring my eyes back to him. He’s still standing in front of his dresser, but his hands are balled into fists at his sides, clutching whatever he took from the drawer tightly, and he seems tense. I swallow past the dryness in my mouth.

  “I knocked, but you didn’t answer.”

  He still doesn’t say anything, and I open my mouth to apologize, but he interrupts me.

  “You and the kids shouldn’t be here right now.”

  I ignore his near nakedness, push past my nerves, and step into the room. Tilting my head to the side, I ask, “Why?”

  It’s his turn to avert his eyes.

  “Because today is not a good day for me.”

  He’s already mentioned he doesn’t do holidays, but I get the feeling there’s more to it. Realization dawns, and I suck in a breath.

  “Today’s the anniversary of their deaths, isn’t it?” I ask, keeping my voice quiet.

  The pain he shoots my way when he brings his gaze back to me almost steals my breath.

  “Tomorrow.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I take a step closer to him, not entirely sure what I’ll do once I’m close enough, but he holds his hand up to ward me off.

  “No!” he says harshly, and I freeze in place. His head drops and his hands go to his hips. His chest rises and falls as he pulls in several deep breaths before lifting his head again. “Sorry,” he utters. “I’m just not in a good place right now. You and the kids should leave.”

  His words hit me in the chest and the pain of it is staggering. I know I have no right to feel this way, but I wish so much this man would let me be there for him. I want to help make him better, even if only for a few minutes. I wish he would open up to me and tell me how he feels, so I can find a way to help him. I know there’s nothing I can do to take away his pain, but if I could relieve it even just a fraction, it might help.

  I think about my kids in the car, the excitement of seeing Alexander again, and I can’t bring myself to give in so easily. Alexander might not want to admit it, but he needs all three of us.

  “Please.” I take another step toward him. “The kids really want to see you. They’re waiting in the car.”

  My soul sings when his eyes flare with something akin to longing. I know deep in my heart my kids have touched him in some way and he’s missed them too. My throat tightens with the thought. He’s touched their lives as well, along with mine.

  After a moment, he nods, and my body sags with relief.

  “Thank you.”

  Now that the tenseness of the situation is over, a new awareness makes itself known. Before I can stop myself, my eyes travel back down his body. The scars covering the right side don’t take away from the beauty of his chest, only add to it. Packed with muscles, the left side of his chest is covered in a thin layer of bristly hair, while the right has none. His stomach has deep ripples from his six-pack. The hair covering half his chest disappears beneath the towel.

  I blush fiercely and want to slap myself when I think about what’s under that towel. I haven’t felt desire for another man since Will and I got together, and it’s strange to do so now. I ache to run my hands over his body. My mouth waters to trace over both the hard planes of his muscles and the rigid lines of his scars. The tingle that starts in my toes travels up my body and centers between my legs, leaving my entire body feeling flushed. That feeling intensifies and my eyes widen when the towel starts to tent.

  “Gwendolyn,” Alexander calls roughly. Knowing my face is flame red but unable to do anything about it, I look at him. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  I jump at the growled words and the intensity in his eyes. He looks like he’s seconds away from stalking over to me and devouring me whole. The prospect of that sends my already pounding heart into overdrive. I want nothing more than to yell at him to come take me, but now’s not the time, and I wonder if it ever will be.

  I silently ask myself if I truly want there to be a time.

  Yes, my mind screams immediately, and I know it’s true.

  I want this man to touch me, I want Alexander to take me. I want to feel his skin against mine and for him to kiss me again. The need for that is so strong that I wonder if I’ve ever wanted anything this badly before.

  I take a deep breath and push down the desire. My kids are still out in the car waiting on me. Wanting Alexander is the last thing that should be on my mind at the moment. I need to focus.

  “I’ll, uh… go grab the kids while you get dressed,” I mumble, then turn and rush down the hallway, swearing I hear his deep chuckle as I go.

  Before opening the front door, I stop and rest my forehead against it. I steady my breath and my racing heart, knowing I can’t have a red face when I go out to the car. Once I’m sure I’m under control, I pull the door open, and welcome the cool air that hits my face. I start across the yard, but then slow when I don’t see their heads popping up over the front seats. My steps become faster and fear settles in when I don’t find them inside. I spin and look across the yard.

  “Daniel? Kelsey?” I call.

  The only sound I hear is the light breeze blowing in my ears. I turn back to the car and check the back seat one more time, hoping I somehow missed them. I only find Pepper’s empty cage. My chest starts to hurt with my heavy breathing as panic soon replaces the fear. We’re practically out in the middle of nowhere with virtually no traffic, where in the world could they be? I was only in the house for a few minutes, so they couldn’t have gone far. They’ve never run off before, so for them to do so now—I refuse to think there’s another reason they aren’t in the car—seems strange.

  “Daniel and Kelsey!” I yell again. “Where are you?”

  I stop my frantic look around the yard when I still get no answer, and pull in a deep breath. The last thing I need to do is have an anxiety attack. I need to pull myself together and think rationally. I think back to when I walked out to the living room. Could they have been in there and I didn’t even realize it?

  Barking comes from my right, and I turn to see Gigi bounding up to me. She stops at my feet and looks up. I absently reach out to her, but look over to the porch. As soon as I spot Alexander standing at the top of the steps, dressed in jeans and a thermal, I start toward him.

  “Are the kids inside?” I ask, out of breath even though I’ve only walked ten feet.

  His eyes look over my shoulder
to the car, then back to me.

  “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Instead of answering, he looks out across the yard.

  “Fuck,” he hisses.

  The next second, he’s off the porch and barreling toward the barn. The door was closed when we first got here, I remember looking at it and seeing it closed, but now it’s open by several feet. With my heart in my throat, I run after Alexander. From the way his feet eat up the ground and the look on his face when he saw the door open, there’s something more to worry about than the kids being with the horses, even though that thought alone is enough to send terror through me. They’ve only been around horses a couple of times. They’re so big compared to my little kids, so the damage that could be done….

  I push those thoughts away, refusing to allow them entrance into my mind.

  “Oh God, oh God. Please don’t let anything happen to my kids.”

  Up ahead, Alexander skids to a stop, grabbing hold of the door so he doesn’t slide past it, and rushes inside out of view.

  I’m panting and my heart races when I make it to the door. The sun is shining bright outside, so when I run inside, I’m momentarily blinded by the dark interior. I widen my eyes in a hopeless attempt to see better, my breathing stuttering in fear of what I might find.

  I become accustomed to the darkness and take a step forward, but an arm stops me, pulling me back against a firm chest. I know it’s Alexander from his scent, but that doesn’t stop me from gripping his forearm and getting ready to push it away.

  “Shh,” Alexander whispers.

  “Huh?” I asked, confused, stopping my struggle before it begins. Why is he just standing here? It’s obvious this is where the kids went. We need to find them.

  “Don’t make any noises or move. We don’t want to spook him.”

  That’s when I look up and see Kelsey standing in front of a huge black horse. Fear nearly has my throat closing as I try to pull much-needed air into my lungs. One stomp from that horse and the damage could be fatal. I’ve always thought horses were beautiful animals, and I loved the idea of owning some one day with Will, but I get the sense this horse isn’t very friendly.