Pictures of Lily

by Paige Toon

  ‘It wasn’t my fault!’ Josh whines back with the undertone of someone who knows, deep down, that it was exactly that.

  More rustling . . .

  ‘Shhh!’ I say.

  ‘I didn’t see—’

  ‘SHUT UP!’ I stand up and follow the sound, stepping carefully through the dry leaves under my feet. And then I see it. The small furry bundle that was thrown off its mummy’s back.

  My heart lifts.

  ‘Shhh,’ I murmur, this time to the tiny koala at my feet. I bend down and gather it up. ‘Shhh . . .’

  ‘What are you doing?’ Josh calls again.

  I don’t answer as I climb back up the incline, past the baby’s dead mother.

  ‘What are you going to do with it?’ Guilt makes Josh’s voice tremble as he follows me back to the car, and it strikes me that he’d probably rather not have this live evidence of his dangerous driving.

  My answer comes easily. ‘We’ve got to take him to Ben,’ I say. ‘Do you know where he lives?’ I look directly into Josh’s dark eyes and he knows not to mess with me.

  ‘Yes,’ he mumbles.

  ‘Then let’s go.’

  Ben lives only a few miles away, but the journey seems to take forever because the last place I want to be is in a car with Josh behind the wheel. Finally he pulls up outside a single-storey stone house with an iron roof and a white picket fence out at the front. He makes no attempt to move as I get out of the car.

  ‘You not coming in?’ I ask him flatly.

  ‘No. He’ll give you a lift home, won’t he?’

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘See you in the morning then, yeah?’

  ‘Bye.’

  I shut the car door firmly, wanting to slam it, but not enough to risk frightening the animal in my arms. It’s only when Josh drives off that I feel a prickle of regret for not wishing him a safe journey. But he didn’t screech away from the kerb so I can only hope that he’s learned his lesson, for tonight at least.

  The house is dark as I walk up the footpath and only now does it occur to me that Ben might not be in. Then I see a thin ray of light peeking out from behind the curtains and relief surges through me. It’s close to midnight and he shouldn’t be awake, but perhaps I’m lucky. I press the doorbell. A moment later, the door opens and Ben is standing before me.

  ‘Sorry to bother you.’ The words tumble out of my mouth. ‘But I – we – I . . .’

  A muffled squeak interrupts my speech and Ben’s attention is diverted by the package I’m carrying.

  ‘Come in, come in.’ He ushers me through the door and closes it before turning back to the bundle of fur in my arms. ‘Here,’ he says gently as I hand over the baby koala.

  ‘Shhh, it’s okay,’ he murmurs, as he quickly checks the animal over. I notice now in the light that it has a swollen eye and a couple of scratches. I feel so bad I could throw up. Ben looks up at me. ‘What happened?’

  I swallow the bile in my throat. ‘Josh was driving . . .’

  His stare hardens and I know I don’t need to say any more.

  ‘Come through to the living room.’

  I follow him meekly, wishing I didn’t feel so helpless. He’s dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt so at least I know I didn’t get him out of bed.

  ‘I was scared you’d be asleep,’ I say, as he switches off the main light to darken the room. Two lamps on side-tables cast a glow across the space.

  ‘I’d just got off the phone,’ he replies. I wonder who he was talking to at this hour? ‘I need to get a heatpad and some blankets. Can you hold her?’

  ‘Is it a she?’ I take the bundle from his arms.

  ‘Yes.’

  He leaves the room and I look down at the tiny creature. She starts to squeak again and my heart splinters. Tears are rolling down my cheeks by the time Ben returns.

  ‘Hey,’ he says kindly, touching my arm. ‘Do you want me to take her?’

  ‘No.’ My voice sounds small.

  ‘Okay. She’ll prefer the heat from your body to a heatpad, anyway. I’m going to prepare her some milk. Do you want a tea while I’m at it?’ And when I nod: ‘Milk, one sugar – right?’

  ‘Yes, please.’ Ben’s made me tea before in the staffroom. He returns after a while with two mugs of tea plus a lactose-free formula mixed from powder for the koala. He explains that koalas are allergic to cow’s milk as he attaches a teat to a syringe and passes it to me to feed her. She’ll switch to using a bottle when she’s a bit older.

  ‘What’s going to happen to her?’ I ask when the syringe is empty and the koala has fallen into a sleepy slumber. I sip my tea.

  ‘I’ll take her to work in the morning, but she’ll probably spend her nights with me for the first week before we relocate her to the hospital room.’

  ‘Hospital room?’

  ‘It’s where the animals are quarantined and handreared.’

  ‘Do you need to call Dave?’

  ‘No. We’re trained for this sort of stuff. Luckily she only has surface wounds. She won’t need to be euthanised.’

  ‘Put down?’ My eyes widen and then fill with tears.

  ‘She won’t need to be euthanised,’ he reiterates.

  ‘Would Dave have done that?’

  ‘No, that would have come down to me.’

  ‘That’s awful!’

  ‘It’s part of the job. But yes, it is pretty awful.’

  ‘I feel terrible,’ I murmur. ‘I only saw the mother a split second before the car hit her. I went back for her in case she’d been injured, but I think she’d been killed on impact. I found her baby by accident.’

  ‘Joey.’

  ‘Joey?’

  ‘It’s the correct term for a baby koala – and other infant marsupials like kangaroos and wombats. Were you two out together?’ He’s referring to Josh and me.

  ‘I went to Stirling with him and some of his mates.’

  He sighs with disappointment. ‘I can’t believe you let him drive you home.’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking.’

  ‘Where are Michael and Cindy?’

  ‘They went to Clare for the weekend.’

  ‘Do you want to call them?’

  ‘No. Let’s not bother them. It’s not as if they can do anything, right? Anyway, Mum’s used to leaving me on my own.’

  ‘Did she do that a lot?’

  The corners of my lips turn down. ‘Now and again.’

  ‘Sucks, doesn’t it?’

  I remember what he told me about his nan raising him because his mother was so hopeless. The expression on his face is raw. I look away.

  ‘I suppose you learn to cope,’ I reply.

  He yawns and stretches his arms over his head and I take in my surroundings. Most of the furniture in the living room is made from dark wood and looks old enough to be antique. ‘This was your nan’s house, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah. Still got all her old furniture.’

  ‘It’s nice. I like it,’ I tell him. ‘How many bedrooms?’

  ‘Three.’

  ‘That’s pretty cool. It will do you when you have a couple of kids.’

  He chuckles. ‘Give me a break, I’m only twenty-eight.’

  ‘I thought you country folk got married and sprouted out sprogs before your twenty-first birthdays.’

  ‘Really? Is that what you’re planning on doing?’

  ‘Puh-lease!’

  He laughs and glances down at the koala. I follow his gaze.

  ‘She’s fast asleep,’ I comment.

  ‘That’s good. She’s going to need her rest.’

  ‘Especially when she wakes up and remembers we killed her mummy,’ I add, a lump forming in my throat. ‘I’m so sorry, little one,’ I whisper as my eyes fill up.

  ‘Hey, don’t beat yourself up,’ Ben says softly. ‘Most people would have driven off. She was lucky you found her.’

  I don’t speak for a while.

  ‘Do you want me to take you home?’ he asks eventual
ly.

  ‘Can I stay a bit longer?’

  ‘Of course you can.’

  ‘It’s not like Michael and Mum will be wondering where I am.’ And Josh will be out cold with all the alcohol he’s consumed. I don’t say that part out loud, because I don’t want to make Ben angry again. I feel surprisingly sober, considering how much I drank.

  ‘Have you spoken to your dad recently?’ Ben asks.

  ‘Yeah. It was Olivia’s birthday last week.’

  ‘How’s your stepmum getting on with her pregnancy?’

  ‘Fine, I think. I didn’t speak to her.’

  ‘Do you get along with her? What’s her name again?’

  ‘Lorraine. She’s okay. She’s pretty nice, in fact.’

  ‘Just not nice enough to live with.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You didn’t consider living with your dad and Lorraine instead of with your mum?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ I reply. ‘I would have gone to live with them instead of coming here if they’d had enough room for me.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ He stares at me in surprise. I nod. ‘Blimey,’ he comments. ‘Would you go back to the UK now if you could?'

  I cock my head to one side and think about this for a moment. ‘I don’t know,’ I answer eventually. ‘You’ll have to ask me again when I start school. I’m dreading it,’ I admit.

  ‘I don’t want to sound unoriginal and tell you it will be okay,’ he says, ‘but it probably will.’

  I roll my eyes at him.

  ‘It will! Look at how quickly you settled into work. You’re obviously good at meeting people and making friends.’

  At that comment I can’t help but let out a sharp laugh.

  ‘You did settle into work well,’ he says, perplexed at my reaction.

  ‘It’s not that,’ I reply. ‘It was the bit about making friends.’

  ‘What? Don’t you have mates back home?’

  I stare down at my fingernails. ‘Not any more.’

  ‘Why?’

  I let out a deep breath and shift the koala into a more comfortable position on my lap, because this is a long story and I finally feel brave enough to tell it.

  I didn’t have many friends back in the UK. Because we moved around a lot, the friendships I made growing up were never close. But after Bill in Brighton – that was one of my mum’s many men – we moved back to London, and that’s where we’ve been for the last four years: the longest time I’ve been anywhere.

  I started secondary school along with everyone else, so for once I wasn’t The New Girl. We were all new. And that was when I met Shannon. I still don’t know why she latched onto me. She was the pretty, blonde, vivacious one whom all the boys fancied, and for some reason she picked me to be her little pet. Not that it felt like that at the time. I felt as if the sun was shining on me for the first time in my life. I adored her. And it seemed as if the feeling was reciprocated. We did everything together. We were inseparable at school, and in the evenings and weekends it was no different. No one else got a look-in. Until we became interested in boys, that is, but instead of that causing a rift between us, it just gave us one more thing to gossip about.

  Shannon got her first serious boyfriend before me, but soon set about hooking me up with his best mate. I fancied Dan instantly. In fact, to this day I don’t know why Shannon went for Eddie over him. Dan was the better-looking of the two: tall, dark and very, very handsome. Shannon lost her virginity to Eddie within three months and then encouraged me to do the same. I didn’t take much persuading, if I’m being honest. I was in love. Plus I fancied him like mad. We were only fifteen.

  That was five months ago. Two months ago I went to the bathroom at a house party and discovered Dan screwing Shannon over the toilet seat. I didn’t wait to see if he’d been wearing a condom.

  I don’t go into all this detail when I relay the story to Ben, but he’s still pretty horrified.

  ‘What did they say when you confronted them?’ he asks.

  ‘I didn’t. I felt too sick about it to go back to school on the Monday and by the time my mum made me return on Wednesday, everybody seemed to know what had happened. I don’t know how, because I certainly didn’t say anything.’ I pause. ‘Shannon never even apologised.’

  ‘What a bitch!’ he spits. ‘What was she like around you? Did she seem guilty?’

  ‘Yes, at first. She wouldn’t look at me. Then she latched onto another group of girls and I was out in the cold.’

  ‘What about your boyfriend?’

  ‘Eddie punched him in the face so he had a black eye for most of that week. But he never said anything to me either. It just seemed to be common knowledge amongst everyone that our relationship was over.’

  ‘Fuck me. What a little prick.’

  I can’t help but giggle at Ben’s reaction. I’m not used to hearing him swear. He’s still too pissed off to smile back at me though. I suddenly have an urge to reach over and smooth away his frown.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I say instead. ‘It’s all in the past now.’

  ‘I can’t believe you dragged your feet about coming to Australia. I would have wanted to be as far away as possible.’

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to be at school either. But I would rather have gone to live with Dad. It’s all a bit of a blur how I managed to get through the last few weeks.’

  ‘I bet.’ He collapses his head back on the sofa and stares across at me. There’s concern in his eyes and it makes me feel a bit funny all of a sudden.

  ‘Can you hold her for a moment?’ I ask abruptly, nodding down at the sleeping koala. ‘I need to go to the loo.’

  ‘Sure.’ He leans in and gently takes the furry bundle, but as his warm arms press into mine, my stomach flutters. ‘Second door on the right,’ he calls after me as I hurry out of the room, my face inexplicably burning.

  What the hell? I close the bathroom door and sit on the toilet, confused by the sensations I just felt. Maybe I’m not as sober as I thought.

  When I return to the living room, Ben has slumped further into the worn brown leather sofa and the joey is snuggled up in his arms. I take my seat next to him; strangely, the sofa seems to have shrunk in size.

  ‘Do you want her back?’ he asks me.

  ‘No, no, it’s okay,’ I mumble. ‘She looks happy there.’ I glance at him as he gazes down at the koala and again the butterflies sweep through my stomach. What’s got into me? It’s Josh I fancy!

  ‘How’s the driving going?’ he asks.

  ‘Well . . .’ I cast my eyes heavenwards. ‘Josh took me for a lesson.’ Ben looks unimpressed. ‘It didn’t go very well,’ I add.

  ‘You don’t say,’ he comments sarcastically. He looks straight at me and I want to look away, but instead I force myself to keep eye contact and try to act normal.

  His eyes are surprisingly dark blue. He’s really quite good-looking, isn’t he?

  There goes my face again. I quickly avert my gaze. LILY! What is wrong with you?

  ‘Do you want another tea?’ he asks.

  ‘Er, yeah, that’d be good,’ I mutter.

  ‘Here, can you take her again?’ He indicates the koala. ‘Or shall I put her in front of the heater?’

  ‘No, give her to me.’ I have an odd desire to feel his arms pressing into mine again, and once more when they do, my pulse picks up its pace. Oblivious, Ben hands over his charge and walks out of the living room.

  I cuddle the joey and tell my heart to calm down.

  ‘Actually,’ Ben says, coming back into the room and startling me, ‘do you want me to take you home? I’ve just seen the time. It’s one-thirty. I’ve been getting carried away, talking to you.’

  ‘Do you want me to go home?’ I ask unhappily.

  ‘No, but aren’t you knackered?’

  I shake my head. ‘No.’

  ‘I’ll get on with the tea, then.’ He chuckles and goes back into the kitchen.

  Hang on. He�
��s got work tomorrow. Does he really want a teenage girl taking up his precious sleeping time? I feel very awkward by the time he returns.

  ‘I forgot you’ve got work tomorrow,’ I say. ‘I could call a taxi?’

  ‘You’ll struggle to get one at this hour. Don’t worry, I’ll drive you home. You could even crash in the spare room, if you like. Oh no,’ he immediately dismisses that idea. ‘Josh might worry about you in the morning.’

  I snort. ‘Are you kidding me? Josh won’t even know I’m not there. He never gets up before midday on a Sunday.’

  Ben shrugs and sits down again. ‘If you want to stay, you can take the baby to bed with you.’ He nods at the fluffy lump in my arms.

  ‘Hey?’ My brow furrows.

  ‘It’s what a lot of keepers do in this situation. Others prefer to leave them alone so they can go through the mourning process on their own.’

  ‘That’s awful!’ I exclaim. ‘Of course she can sleep with me.’

  ‘I thought you’d say that.’

  ‘Would you have put her in a box by the heater?’ I know I won’t be able to help feeling disappointed if the answer is yes.

  ‘The last two times this happened to me, the joeys lasted in the box for all of ten minutes.’ Ben grins. ‘She would have ended up in bed with me for sure.’

  I smile back at him and feel my stomach tingle.

  ‘Are you going to let Josh take you on any more driving lessons?’ he asks casually.

  ‘No. It’s such a bummer though. Michael has been letting me drive to work on the odd days, but he needs his truck most of the time. I don’t know when I’m going to learn and I’m desperate to pass my test.’

  ‘Won’t your mum teach you?’

  ‘I’m not that desperate.’

  ‘I’ll take you for the odd spin if you like?’

  ‘Would you?’

  ‘Sure. You can drive my car home in the morning.’

  ‘Aw, Ben, you’re the best!’ I could kiss you! Ha ha, have another drink, Lily. I beam at him in a ridiculously OTT fashion and he starts to look uncomfortable, but that only makes me giggle. He drinks his tea and drums his fingers on his thigh. I suddenly find myself yawning.

  ‘Come on,’ he says, putting down his mug. ‘You should get to bed.’

  I’d rather stay up talking to him, but I do as he says.

  I follow him out of the room and down the corridor. He opens up the first door on the left and switches on the light. A double bed on towering bedposts dominates the room. It’s covered with a pretty floral bedspread and I wonder if that, too, belonged to his nan.