Love Defies Us

by Stoneback, J. M.

  Surely, he didn’t say…. that I’m not his.

  “What did you say? I’m not sure I heard you correctly.”

  “Your mother had you with a guy she was having an affair with for four years. I told her that we could work things out and to never speak about it again. I gave you my last name. And told her to end her affair.” His words wrap around me like a snake, slowly and softly squeezing the life out of me. Tears stings my eyes and my version is blurry. The floor has been snatched from under my feet. Dizziness wrecks my insides.

  “So I’m a bastard child?”

  He shakes his head. “You’re my daughter, I signed the birth certificate,” he pauses. “She was going to try to abort you, but I told her that if she did that, I’ll cut her off from my money.” His words slice through me. My dad used money to control her, to try to make her love him.

  He wanted to keep me, and my mother never wanted me. It makes sense now. Why my mother treats me the way she does. I was just a regret to her. That’s why my parents treated Axel better.

  “Is that why Axel’s your favorite?” I say again. I know that it would piss him off to repeat it. My father doesn’t like to have to repeat himself. “Because I’m not yours. Is that why you don’t care about me?”

  He grinds his teeth. “I told you before I don’t know how to bond with you. But I love you. I came to all your plays and graduations. I took you to the father daughter dances bu--”

  “You never ask me how my day was. You never tried to pry in my private life. You never ask what my interests are. You never brag to your friends about my accomplishments. It was all about Axel. Axel. Axel. Axel,” I breathe out. “When Axel played baseball in grade school you bragged. Just admit that I was something you regret looking at.”

  Tears tickle down my cheeks, hitting my blouse. I hate myself for crying. I hate myself for allowing people who doesn’t care about me to hurt me. When will I think about myself and not others?

  “Every time you look at me, do you see that other guy?”

  He doesn’t answer, just stares at me with guilt on his face.

  “Who is my birth dad?”

  He frowns as if my words stab him the gut. “Why do you need to know? I’m your father.”

  “I want to know the bastard that forgot about me.” I’m asking because I know it will hurt him. My biological dad didn’t take the time to get to know me. “You might as well dig the knife that’s in my back deeper.”

  He rubs his hands together, debating if he should tell me. He better tell me, I deserve to know my real father.

  “That bastard’s name is Jimmy and he died in a car crash when you were three years old. His family owned a winery in California. He left you forty percent of the company when you turn thirty years old.” There is an eerie silence because I don’t know what to do. I snatch a Kleenex from a box that’s sitting by the printer and wipe the tears from my eyes.

  “He wanted to be in your life but me and your mom decided that was not for the best. Your grandfather was running for senator and didn’t want a scandal.” He watches as tears run down my cheeks but doesn’t make a move.

  My grandfather did win the election that year, and as I got older, I used to hear stories about how he was a great senator. He was assassinated when I was four years old. “I come here in peace. You deserve to be in a higher position than being a manager. You are one of the best workers here, and I know me offering you a job as a vice president doesn’t change the fact that we lied to you all your life.” He watches me with steady eyes. “So, the job is yours. I already lost my wife and I don’t want to lose my daughter. I don’t care what runs in your blood. You’re still a Bennett at heart. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I loved Axel more than you because I don’t. I’m still hurt for the way I allowed your mom to treat me. I’m still hurt that she broke up our family.”

  He stands up and gives me a hug. For the first time in my life, my dad hugs me tight, like I’m his daughter. Slowly, I wrap my arms arounds around his waist, squeezing him back. It feels foreign as if you step into a country and try to interact with the people there only to find you don’t speak their language. You feel so out of place. For the first time since my mother’s parents died, I break into full-blown sobs.

  Five days later …

  My phone keeps ringing and ringing and ringing, so I cut it off. My dad sent me emails on the job description of VP and asked me to start having lunch with him and Axel. I don’t respond because I’m mad at him. I don’t respond because of the pain they both caused in my life. My mom is a selfish person. And, she not only took from me, but from Dad. He loved her and she just shit on everyone around her. I’m just a grudge baby to him. But I understand why he acted the way he did towards me. Who wants to look at a regret and a mistake?

  Felix keeps sending me emails asking if I’m okay. I’m a shitty girlfriend because I don’t respond, and I like to handle stuff on my own. I don’t need Felix to be strong for me. I send Betty a message to handle my workload for The Wakening of Gods stuff. I didn’t tell her why, I just told her that I’m dealing with family issues.

  I stare out my window blinds as dust mites float in the middle of the sunlight. There’s beating on my bedroom door.

  “I told you, Jasp. I’m not hungry and I’m not thirsty. Leave. Me. Alone!” I scream at the top of my lungs. God, he’s so overbearing at times.

  “It’s me, Felix. Open the door, Thumbelina.”

  My anger grows like weeds in a garden and I don’t respond. I choke the blankets with my hands.

  “Open the door, or I’ll break the shit down,” he says again with fire in his words.

  “Go away!”

  “No! Open it now!”

  “I said no!”

  Several moments later, I hear mumbling and a click, and the door opens wide. Jasper and Felix stand in the doorway. Jasper wears gym shorts with no shirt and Felix wears a wife beater and black jeans. My heart catches in my throat.

  “Jasper, who the hell told you to call Felix? Stop meddling in my business and worry about why you can’t have a stable relationship.”

  My words punch him in the stomach and hurt sews into his face like thread in a rag doll.

  Immediately, guilt burns inside of my chest, but I don’t apologize. I remain under the blanket.

  “I didn’t call him, he just showed up.”

  “Why have you been ignoring everybody?” Felix asks, yanking the blanket off me and I hiss at the cold air.

  “Give me my shit back!” My stomach is in knots and nausea hurls in my throat. I turn over on my right and puke acid in the trash can next to my bed.

  “Are you pregnant? Is that why you’re avoiding me?” he says with hope in his voice.

  “Would it been a problem if I was?” I feel the tears stinging my eyes.

  “No. What’s wrong? Did I do or say something wrong?”

  “No.”

  “Why won’t you tell me?”

  “None of your damn business. Why are you really here? Are you here because I haven’t sucked your dick in a week? Go fuck yourself, Felix.”

  He balls up his fists, keeps them glued to his side. Anger paints his face.

  “Lashing out at me isn’t going to stop me from being on your fucking case. What the fuck is your problem? I can fix it.”

  I push myself off the bed, stand in front of him and on my tippy toes. I stab my index finger into his firm chest.

  “I told you to leave. It’s not like you can make the situation better.”

  He grabs my finger and intertwines his hand with mine. “Talk to me. Maybe I can help.” His voice is gentle and kind.

  “Oh really? Can you help me understand why my parents have been lying to me?” I try to pull away from his hand, but he grips harder. “Can you help me understand why my parents decided to keep from me that my father is not mine? That I’m a bastard child who was conceived in a long-term affair?” My throat is dry, and my legs feels weak and adrenaline marches in my blo
od. “Can you help me with that, Felix? No. You can’t. Now leave me the hell alone!”

  Felix stares at me with brokenness in eyes and the tears runs down my cheeks. My breath is labored and choppy. Normally, I can contain my emotions, but I’m tired of doing this shit. I’m tired of holding my emotions and hiding how I feel. And there is only so much I can take.

  He yanks me into his arms, and I sob. I sob so hard. I sob enough to fill the ocean.

  “I want to help, Sadie. I do. But you have to let me in.” He pulls me into bed, engulfing me into a bear hug. His body feels like a furnace, warming up my cold body. He smells like eternal love and passion. I want to stay in his arms forever.

  “Does this make you feel better? Not doing anything.” His tone is gentle as fabric softener and he kisses my forehead, then kisses my lips. His kiss is filled with love and acceptance, it tastes like rain on a fall day. Cool and wet. Then he kisses every drop of tears cascading down my cheeks.

  “I want to shut the world out and be in my bubble.”

  “Our bubble.” He corrects me. “I told you before, you don’t have to be strong by yourself, let me help you carry some of the burden for you.”

  For the first time in a long time, I feel safe.

  Sadie

  Two weeks before the tour…

  Today, Felix and I are supposed to meet with his father and new girlfriend. Felix doesn’t like her, he thinks that she’s using his dad.

  As Felix holds my hand, I follow him to the outside patio and the smell of ribs greets me. His dad wears an apron over leather pants and a white t-shirt. He uses a pair of tongs to flips the ribs over on the grill. I sit in an iron metal chair with a floral cushion. The sun is out and we’re deep, deep, deep, in June so it’s hot as hell out here. The humid air suffocates me.

  Fluffy clouds hover in the sky and cover the sun, making it a little dark. The patio is decorated with different colors of flowers and there is a set of tennis racks by the sliding door. Felix stands next to his dad, and his father turns towards me.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you again, Mr. Sawyer,” I say to him. I unfold the napkin, rest it over my lap. I wear my backless red romper with my back out and matching sandals.

  “Likewise.” His voice and face are lined with worry. His hands are a little shaky and he eyes me too long before turning back to the grill.

  I look around the backyard and notice an oak tree, a basketball court, and tennis court.

  ”You grew up here?” I ask Felix. He grabs a beer from the cooler that’s next to a planter of red roses.

  “Yeah.”

  His dad sits across from me and crosses his legs, like a well-educated man. He stares at me as if he’s trying to remember every feature on my face. Then he turns his view to Felix, and Felix plops down in the chair next to me.

  His father says to him, “Are you ready to go on tour?”

  ”I don’t have a choice. My boss will be pissed if I don’t fulfil my contract.” He tilts his beer at me.

  “Damn right. I might have to find you a new manager. My dad offered me a job as vice president of the company.”

  “Are you going to take it?” Felix asks.

  “Yeah. Axel has been on my case about it. He says his job is a bore without me.”

  ”I’m proud of you, Thumbelina. I really am.”

  Then he kisses the side of my temple. His words warm my heart. I haven’t heard those words in a long time. Not from my mom nor my dad.

  We chat about life and Mr. Sawyer tells us that he’s moving towards selling commercial buildings, so he can expand his business.

  Several moments later, the doorbell rings. Mr. Sawyer gets up from the table and says, “I’ll be right back.”

  And Felix yanks me on his lap and he taps my nose.

  “How am I going to survive without you on tour?” He nibbles on my ear and I blush.

  “We’ll sext and FaceTime each other. I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you during tour since I’m going to be vice president.”

  Just before he can respond, his dad walks towards the patio and the woman that’s holding his hand, lingers behind him. When her eyes meet mine, my mouth literally hang opens and I dig my nails into my palms until it stings. My mother smiles at me. “Mother, what the fuck are you doing here?” I get up so fast from the table and before I know it I’m in her face.

  She stares at me and then the corners of her mouth wrinkles.

  “Are you fucking serious? You’ve been having an affair with Mr. Sawyer?” I scream at the top of my lungs.

  “Woah, woah, back the fuck up. Patricia is your mom?” Felix asks in disbelief. He looks between me and her like he sees the resemblance between us.

  “I wanted you to have dinner with us. To announce our engagement. We’re getting married,” Mr. Sawyer says, and I shake my head.

  Felix stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulder. And I just want to slap the crap out of my mother.

  “I knew you were dating Felix, that’s why I’ve been trying to contact you. When your picture was leaked out to media that you were dating, I kept calling, but you never pick up.”

  “Why would I? You’ve been a bitch towards me. How long was this affair this time?” I ask sarcastically.

  She glances at Mr. Sawyer before answering. “Three years.”

  “Three fucking years!” Felix yells and lets me go, standing in front of his dad. Rage fills his muddy eyes and he balls his fists as if he’s about to punch him. “You were balls deep into someone else while mom was still living. Are you fucking serious?”

  Mr. Sawyer’s shoulders tense and guilt haunts his face. “Your mother knew. She knew the cancer would kill her, so she encouraged it. She told me to move on with my life and that was her dying wish.”

  Anger grows from Felix. He radiates so much anger that I feel it through my bones. “Fuck you, Dad. I don’t give a fuck if she set you up on a blind date, you should have kept your dick in your pants.”

  Felix and his father scream at each other and my mother stares at me with disappointment in her eyes. No surprise there. I always disappoint her no matter what I do.

  “Me and your dad haven’t been happy for some years. We live separate lives.” And her eyes shine with tears. “I really tried with your dad, but he can be cold and doesn’t know how to show affection. After you were born, he shut down and became bitter towards me because you weren’t his.” Tears cloud her eyes and her cheeks turn red as she looks down at the ground. I’ve never ever in my whole entire life seen her cry. To look so broken. To look so destroyed. And a tiny part of me almost feels sorry for her. Almost. “When I met Conner a few years ago, after your dad purchased the manor, we became friends and started dating.”

  “Boohoo. Cry me a river,” Felix says. “You two are fucking assholes. Sadie, let’s go.” He yanks my hand, leading me towards the door.

  “You need to end this with Felix.” My mom’s tone is firm, and I roll my eyes. “This is frowned upon by my peers, you’re sleeping with my future son-in-law. It looks incestuous.”

  “I’m not giving up shit for you and I don’t care how it looks. I’m not giving up the love of my life just to protect your reputation. Unlike you, I know what love is and I love Felix in a different way than you have ever loved. I will never cheat on him. God forbid his career goes to shit. But if it did, I’ll stay by his side because that’s what love is. It’s unconditional. Love is supposed to feel earth-shattering. Love is supposed to nourish the soul. Love is supposed to be a safe haven for you. Love is supposed to bring you hope and glory,” I huff out. “To be honest, I don’t think you’ve ever loved anyone but yourself.”

  Her mouth hangs open, but she stands up taller as if I didn’t wound her pride. I made a crack in that cold heart of hers.

  We leave and Felix drives us to his house. Did I just announce my life to Felix in his dad’s house in front of everyone? I don’t know if he feels the same way about me. Nervousness yanks inside of my bell
y and my hands tingle.

  Once we’re inside in his bedroom, Felix pulls me into his arms and kisses my lips. The kiss is soft and gentle.

  “I love you too. You’re like air, I can’t live without you. You’re my now and my future, Sadie. Always and forever. I didn’t think I would fall in love again. Until you came along crushing the very thought. My headstrong, Thumbelina. I—” He kisses me on the cheek. “Love—” Kisses my neck. “You.”

  Then he kisses my lips again and I moan against his mouth. “You don’t have to tell me again that you love me. I know you have a hard time telling people how you feel.” Butterflies dance in my stomach. His words wrap around my heart and squeeze the life out of it.

  We remove our clothes. Before I know it, we’re on the bed and he leans over me. This is our position. This is our love making position. And I love it. I love staring into his eyes as he fucks me like a crazy man. And I love gripping his neck and clawing at his back when he’s thrusting into me. I love everything about Felix. “I’m going to worship you with my tongue, fingers, and dick.” He kisses my neck and I melt. “Because I love you more than life itself. Because you’re the missing piece to my puzzle.”

  Then I pull him down kissing his nose and his forehead.

  “I want you to fuck me in the ass like I wrote in my diary,” I whisper against his ear and I feel his whole body stiffen.

  “Are you sure, Sadie? I don’t want to hurt you.” His tone is low and raspy.

  “You’re not going to hurt me. I promise. Go slow.”

  He hesitantly nods.

  “When I’m inside you, I’m not pulling out. I’m going to load your needy pussy and asshole with all my come until it’s dripping from it.”

  “Ok.”

  Moments later, he’s inside of my pussy and the only thing I hear is my heart beating frantically and the slaps of his skin on mine. As I moan loudly, I dig my nails into his skin, scratching as hard as I can. No dirty talk. Just him making love to me slowly and softly. He smiles at me with love, want, and need. He smiles at me as if I’m the most beautiful girl in the world.