Love and The Liffey

by Sarah Beth James

  Shelly was waiting angrily at the stage door. “Wow, don’t you just look like a bag of shit and I need to get you stage ready within hours. Awesome,” she said rolling her eyes. “Dressing room, shower, put on the clothes I laid out for you. If you need to puke go do it prestage, you look hungover as fuck. Adetwat is the other end of the hall, you won’t see him. Now, go.”

  I obeyed, too tired to do anything else. I couldn’t even find the strength to sass her back. Staring at the wreck of me in the mirror as I tried to touch up my hastily done makeup. My sunken, tired looking eyes, the weight I lost from drinking myself half to death. From forgetting to eat for days at a time. I really was a mess, maybe one that just couldn’t be fixed this time. Now even with sparkly makeup and sexy clothing. I felt empty, hollow, not like a person.

  Three shots of vodka later, I could hear the soundcheck raging behind me. I knew that our song would be near the start. I had to get out there now or I would never do it when the doors went green. Shelly wasn’t there as I cracked my door open, of course not. She would be at Adrian’s side, that was her job. To make sure he was ready for the stage, the main star, not just the odd duet singer wannabe artist. He came first, he always would and maybe that was the core of our problem. He was so divorced from reality that he couldn’t see a problem with that, just like my other ex was. Adrian just did not have the ability to see how his actions affected anyone but himself. He needed that grounding of a normal life to save him from the stardom, but if I hadn’t been strong enough to be that for my ex, how could I be strong enough to save Ade from himself?

  Another shot of vodka and I found myself at the door to soundcheck just as our song started. I was ready to run, to give up right here and now. A member of the crew held a mic out to me as I cracked the door open. Then I don’t know what happened, if muscle memory just kicked in or if I was just too drunk to care. I knew this song, these notes, and I knew what came next.

  Without even realising what I was doing, I grabbed the microphones, put on my game face and slammed out into that arena. All my rage, all my anger pushed out into one three-minute song. Adrian looked like he was going to pass out as I joined him singing. His vocals were weaker than normal, emotion clouding his performance. I tested him, pushing him to the very limits of my vocal range. Knowing that I would pay horribly for it tomorrow, yet not actually caring. I needed to prove a point as much to myself as to him, and I was going to. This was my stage, not his, mine and I would rule it.

  As the song ended, he took a step towards me daring to reach out to touch my arm as if to see if I was really there. Thinking perhaps I was some phantom of his barely functioning mind. I cursed him out, barely even registering what I was saying or him to me. I left storming back to my dressing room barely making it before I broke down.

  “I can’t do this.”

  Chapter 28

  Adrian’s POV

  After the show last night, I wasn’t even sure if Lily would carry on with the tour. Stage was as frosty as soundcheck, although I was sure the fans hadn’t noticed anything. I tried to talk to Lily after the show, but she slapped me and told me to leave her the hell alone. This was gonna be a hard few months, being so close to her, but so far away emotionally.

  Her first St Paddy’s Day and in Dublin, too. I pictured it somewhat differently. Showing her the ropes, a few drinks, going out dancing, exploring the sights. Now, it was unlikely that we would even be speaking. It hurt worse than when she ignored me.

  As Lily got on the tour bus, I noticed just how much she grew since I knew her. She now travelled in sweats and a baggy shirt, not jeans and comfortable clothing. Slippers, not shoes. Fluffy blanket, travel pillow, her own iPad/headphones and that teddy bear I bought her on the first day. And to top it all off, a full bag of food/snacks and sodas. Hell, I think she was slightly more prepared than I was, and I did this since my teens. I knew I should be glad that she was adjusting, but somehow it just made me feel sad, because she didn’t need me.

  I fell asleep for a few hours, only waking when the bus bounced into the venue. I let everyone else rush off, including Lily before I brought my things out to drop in the hotel. Heading straight out to the shops, the streets would soon be too busy to move, and I had shopping to do before then. An hour later I returned to the hotel for a fast shower with the gift I bought outside Lily’s door along with a huge bunch of roses. I had to hope that the gifts at least opened a line of communication between them. After all, she still carried my bear.

  Lily’s POV

  The tour bus drive was difficult, I could feel him there. A presence that just would not leave. I could smell his disgusting aftershave from my bunk. Making me want to throw up. Four showers later in my hotel room and I could swear I could still smell it on my skin. There was a knock at the door. Dragging my ride on, I went to answer it. Finding not a person, but instead a huge bunch of roses in a pretty vase along with a wrapped box. “Adrian.” I sighed. “Why can’t you just leave me alone now?” I would leave them for the cleaning staff at the hotel.

  The wrapped box I threw into my open suitcase untouched. I truly did not care what was inside. I didn’t have time for this drama. I had a show to prepare for. Dressed in my stage wear of a black velvet dress, leggings, low heeled shoes and green ribbons in my hair I caught a cab to the venue, avoiding the rest of the band. Passing by partiers already semi drunk. Irish flags, green, shamrocks everywhere. It was totally crazy. I hadn’t seen any party that came even close to this. Not even when a friend dragged me to London Pride.

  I found myself dragged up to dance with the other performers on stage for the opening numbers. It was crazy to feel a part of something so huge. I was almost sad that Adrian wasn’t here to share it with me. Like he was my first time in Dublin.

  He appeared eventually, nodding at me yet keeping his distance, I almost wanted him to storm across here and kiss me. So that something felt normal in the middle of all of this. We sang, we partied, we performed, but it all felt so empty without being able to share it with him as friends instead of enemies. I ended up leaving early, cutting back to my hotel.

  The shamrock covered box called to me as I sat on my bed. Grudgingly I stood, picking up the gift. Carefully peeling back, the paper to find a small jewellery box. “If this is a ring, so help me Ade!” Nervously popping it open, it wasn’t. A matching shamrock earrings and necklace set lay inside set in silver. I had to admit that the man had taste. I just wasn’t sure that helped. I threw the box back in my suitcase and willed myself into an uneasy sleep.

  Chapter 29

  Adrian’s POV

  I truly hated this tour, I hated being around her. I wanted her gone. I would message Brad in the morning and tell him to get the bitch kicked off tour. We didn’t need no shitty back up singing moron. We could do this without her! Hell, we practically did for all those months that Claire kept screwing us around for her ‘auditions’ and ‘album recording’ or even just a ‘migraine’. So we could certainly do without a woman again.

  But did I want Lily gone? Did I honestly, really never want to see her again? It was hard to know anymore. Even harder after three days without sleep, constantly drinking. From the start of the tour, three? Wait, wasn’t it five? Oh, who even knew. I certainly hadn’t been sober for a while. I wanted her near me as my Lily, not this cold-hearted monster. My eyes finally started to close after all these days, just as my alarm chimed to let me know it was time to go to rehearsal. I was so bone tired I lay there for a full five minutes almost falling back to sleep, before someone banged on my door shouting for me. “For fucks sake!” I muttered to myself, as I dragged my ass up. Drinking my breakfast on the way.

  The full band was there as I finished off my beer, rolling my eyes at it all. I really could not be bothered to be here right now. The band was setting up, testing the drums in a way that made my head pound even more. Shelly and Rose were going over the week’s schedules, and there was that little tramp Lily cuddled up in the corner with Harry. Hanging
right over that drum kit. Their faces turned into each other like they almost looked like they were kissing or at least whispering about me.

  I snapped, pushing passed Brad as he tried to talk to me about something I could not care less about. That little bitch was going to get a piece of my mind. “So, this is why ye came on the tour? Youse couldn’t move on and find another guy fast enough! Your ex is right, you are nothing but a dirty little whore.”

  The room fell deathly silent.

  “You think me and Harry?” Lily laughed. “Harry out of all the people here that you could have shipped me with? You know nothing about this band that you claim is your family.” She couldn’t stop laughing over the idea.

  “Oh, a big joke to youse now, am I? Of course, is there anyone in this band that you haven’t fucked yet? Was I even the first one you did?” I demanded. “You get out, get off of my tour. We don’t need your kind here.”

  Lily stopped, slapping me hard across the face. “You know nothing, you spineless little lush. You are nothing to me, less than nothing. You are just like my ex. Get your head out of the bottle and see what you are starting to become.”

  “Oh, says youse who drinks as much as I do!” I laughed.

  “At least I don’t fuck over my boyfriend talking shit about him in front of everyone at work!” she retorted.

  I went to slap her back, restrained by Neil and Cal. “Enough man, let it go. You aren’t thinking clearly. It’s just the drink. You need to slow down dude,” Callum insisted. They held me back until I calmed enough to stop fighting them.

  I pulled away, noticing the disgust on their faces. “Oh yeah, thanks guys. That bitch cheats on me, but ye all take her side.”

  Shelly stormed over, pushing the men out of the way. “I spend a lot of time with Lily, so does Rose. Does that mean we are having a three way?” she demanded,

  “Well no, ye are girls,” I commented.

  “And that makes any difference because?” Rose demanded. “Never heard of bisexuals, pansexual, lesbians?”

  “She isn’t like that, she likes men.” I stuttered.

  “Yeah, I like M-E-N, not cowardly worms.” Lily snapped. “But sure, by your logic I am clearly fucking these ladies, too. There are wild orgy nights on the tour bus while you pretend to sleep.”

  “Ye wouldn’t!” I wasn’t sure which of the ladies I was referring to anymore, I was so confused. My head splitting to the point I just wanted to lie down on the floor and sleep for a month.

  “Oh, wouldn’t I?” Shelly asked, she took a step towards Lily, pulling her into a passionate kiss. Lily responded in kind, the band cheering them on and more than likely taking photos.

  “Hey, share nicely. My turn,” Rose insisted, pulling Lily into a kiss.

  When they pulled apart, I would swear I was blushing. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

  “Little late for that man,” Callum said rolling his eyes as they dispersed.

  “Are you two even lesbians?” Harry asked.

  Rose winked. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  Shelly smiled. “What she said.”

  “Rehearsal is over, have an extra day off,” Brad said firmly. “Except you, Sparks. I would have words with you in private.”

  The others didn’t take any time to question the action, cleaning up their gear.

  “Not cool, not cool at all,” Ted, our new keyboardist, hissed.

  “Get a life, freak,” Rose snapped.

  I knew it was bad if that normally quiet little mouse was angry with me. I would have a lot of apologising to do after this, I would kill for another beer. Anything to take the edge off how my head was feeling.

  “Wait up everyone, there is something I would like to say given what happened today so there are no more mistakes,” Harry said, “I am not with Lily, I could never be, she is a sister to me. I can’t be with Lily or another woman. I have a boyfriend; his name is Levi. I am gay. I am sorry it took me this long to tell you all, I hope you can accept it in time.”

  “Yeah, we all know,” Callum answered.

  Ted nodded. “Hey I’m the new boy and even I know.”

  “Ladies, did you both know?” Harry asked.

  Shelly laughed and looked at Rose,.“Hey babe, he thinks his boyfriend got hired as crew by ‘accident’.”

  Rose smiled. “Totally accidently of course.”

  “Wait, what?” Harry exploded. “How did you two even know about me and Levi?”

  “Oh, you sweet innocent young man, ‘mother’ always knows best,” Shelly promised, looping an arm around him.

  Rose was flicking through websites on her phone. “There’s a gay bar three streets over that opens in ten minutes.”

  “Coming out par-tay!” Callum shouted. “We are gonna cover you in rainbows and glitter!”

  “I have loads of glitter makeup,” Lily commented. “My make up case is full, take some with you guys.”

  “I’m taking you too, little sis, come on. This is a family affair, which means no diva lead singers allowed.” Harry glared at me as he grabbed Lily, throwing her over his shoulder. “Time to scream Sam Smith on karaoke with my family.”

  They filtered out leaving me and Brad alone. I stood there waiting, exhaling a heavy sigh when I realised there was no beer in this rehearsal room. “I fucked up,” I commented. Not sure if I meant by not bringing more beer or by what I had said or both. Oooh beer, I found an open bottle under the drum kit and took a swig.

  Brad snatched the bottle off me. “You need to get yourself together and stop drinking like this.”

  “I’m grand.”

  “Adrian, you just nearly hit a woman who you claim to love while you are on a bender. That isn’t you, you know who it is. You have a choice, get yourself right by yourself or I’m pulling the tour to send you to rehab.”

  “I don’t need any fucking rehab, I have my band, my friends.”

  “Not for much longer if you keep this up. I did not bail your ass out after your parents died to have you throw away everything we have built together.”

  I stormed out, heading back to my hotel room to drink even more. Passing out on my bed, only waking up when the gang came back from the all-day party, covered in glitter, foam and god knows what else. It hurt me, knowing that I missed a huge part of Harry’s life. That my own band hadn’t wanted me at the coming out party. Brad was right, this wasn’t me. I certainly did not want to be like that other man.

  Next morning, I came down to breakfast more sober than I had been in months, everyone was milling around grabbing food bar one. “Where is Lily?” I asked.

  “Gone for a walk, she didn’t want to see you,” Rose commented. “Not that any of us do after your bullshit.”

  “Well then, I will say this to the rest of youse. I am sorry, I lost my way. I’ve let myself start becoming someone I should never have. I think I might need some help to sort myself out if youse are willing,” I stated.

  “Duh, we know that, and we are trying to be here for you, man,” Callum answered, “Even fresh meat here, aren’t you Ted?”

  “Always.”

  Harry pulled himself away from the guy he was chatting to. “Well, I still think you are an ass, but there’s someone I think you should meet. This is Levi, we are in love.”

  “Aren’t ye one of the runners, the one who replaced Lily when she moved up to singer?” I asked.

  “And damn fabulous at it.” He winked, “Hi, I’m Levi. So sexy they named a brand of jeans after me, give me a chance and I will rock your world.” He looked back at Harry. “Although there is only one man I want to rock with.”

  I laughed, shaking his hand. “I can see that, but my heart also belongs to someone else.”

  Levi snorted,.“Yeah, good luck. She hates your guts. I have a twenty on her kicking you in the balls on stage.”

  Lily stuck her head in to grab a muffin. “Eww, asshole alert, excuse me.”

  “Lil, please wait. I want to apologise for yesterday.”

 
“Don’t bother, I am not interested in the words of an abusive drunk. Been there, done that, carry the emotional baggage still.”

  “Okay, actions speak louder than words. I will give up drinking completely.”

  She laughed. “Sure you will.”

  “Will it help if I do?” I asked.