Love and The Liffey

by Sarah Beth James

  She shrugged. “Stopping drinking to the point you are not starting to turn into a monster would be a start. I am not bothered about drinking, but yesterday did. I didn’t need to know you could be that way. I might be angry at you over all of this shit you hid from me, but you never scared me before that. I felt like I was looking at him.”

  “I felt like ye were, too. I won’t be that way, I refuse. I’m gonna fix my head, and then hopefully fix us. But, please Lily, cut back on your drinking as well. It scares me. I know the tour is tough, that all of this is, I still worry about you. I still love you and want you to be okay.”

  She nodded. “I agree to try if you do.”

  “That is all either of us can do.”

  Chapter 30

  Lily’s POV

  Tour went on, a new city every day or near enough. Avoiding Adrian got a little harder each day, more gifts arrived, books, sketch pads, pencils, all sorts of art supplies. So much stuff I could hardly fit it all in my suitcase. I never once said thank you or even that they had arrived. I knew I needed to do better, but every time he came near me, I got so angry I just wanted to punch him. Or shout at him. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure what I was doing today wasn’t a way to ‘get back’ at him.

  I sat in the cold white hospital room next to the doctor, he explained to me what was going to happen. How important it was for my ex to resolve past problems before he could move forward in his rehabilitation. The hospital had been phoning me for months, but I did my best to dodge their calls. I gave so much to this man already, including nearly my complete and total sanity. I did not feel like I owed him anything else if anything he owed me. In the end, I had crumbled like I knew all along I would. I was just too nice a person to not give someone what they needed if it was in my power. For the sake of the man that I used to love, the man who had so long been my best friend. I snuck away from the tour on our half day to be here, although hiding the trip from everyone was difficult. I was currently ‘sick in my room with a migraine’. If they had found out, Adrian would have insisted on coming with me, if not the rest of them as well. Which would have only made the situation worse for all of us. If I was going to do this, it was better I did it alone. So only I got hurt.

  My ex walked into the room, he came forward to hug me, but I pulled back. He looked hurt but sat down quietly across from me. He was just dressed in sweatpants and a loose tee shirt, but he did look a little better. Still thin, but like he was eating now. The dark circles under his eyes started to fade. I couldn’t see any visible cut or track marks. His eyes were not glassy, nor did his breath smell of anything other than mint. It was an improvement certainly.

  I dressed myself in a smart black suit dress, nothing I would normally wear, but it meant I could slather on makeup, put my hair up and waste a few hours in preparation to try and still my nerves. The upcoming storm was bound to happen, I wanted to not look or feel like myself during it.

  “You look good,” he commented.

  “You look a little better.” I nodded.

  “Are you still with Adrian?”

  I nodded again. “He makes me happy.” No need for him to know we broke up and were still fighting daily over what he had told me. That was private information, nothing he deserved access to. If I could hide our personal war from the press, I could hide it here.

  “I used to make you happy.” He sighed.

  I bit my lip trying to not explode. “Yeah, and then you know what you did to terminate any happiness you brought me.”

  He was on his feet in a second. “Oh, really? You turned into an uber jealous bitch but ‘I know what I did!’”

  I slammed back from my own chair squaring up to him, “Oh, of course. Me, the jealous one. Not that you and that creature pushed me completely out of your life. Not that you abandon me. Betrayed me and left me to die. Fuck this shit, I am leaving. I shouldn’t have bothered coming here.”

  He grabbed my arm so hard that his fingers would leave bruises behind. “Oh no, you started this, and you are gonna finish it for once. You are going to realise that it is perfectly normal and healthy for a dating couple to want time together alone without some third wheel always being there!”

  “Third wheel? I was meant to be your best friend!”

  He laughed bitterly. “Yeah, until you turned into a stalker bitch and refused to allow me to move on with my life.”

  My mouth fell open at that comment. “I stopped you moving on. Me? When every single time you walked out of my life, I slowly picked myself up and started to rebuild or I might even be stupid enough to find someone. And then you would crash back into my life, demanding every last second of my time to fix whatever little problem you had now. For weeks, months until they ended up dumping me because you were so damn clingy and demanding! Not to mention the fact that everything you found a new person you would always play the ‘I don’t know Lily, maybe we should try again’ card on me. Flirting with me, messing with my head and my heart until you would fuck off for a weekend and come back with the other person as your new fuck buddy and serious relationship!”

  “You were the one who never accepted my lovers…”

  “Your lovers treated me like dirt. Insulted me all the time.”

  He cut across me. “You were friends with him before we got together and still you ordered me to choose between you two!”

  “No, I did not. I am so sick of you saying that! I reminded you that you said that if any partner of yours didn’t like me, you would fix it or dump them. You promised me that! That my friendship was more important than a fuck. You just weren’t man enough to sit there and fix it or say fuck you bitch; Lily is my friend so take it or leave it!”

  “That’s basically the same thing. He never asked me to get rid of you!”

  I laughed. “Really? You actually believe that? This is hysterical! So explain to me what was telling you to ignore my calls? What was telling you to turn your phone off to watch a movie when we had plans? What was ‘ditch Lily tonight and have dinner with me? You know you want a sushi date more than a movie with her. Why don’t you skip out on her and come shopping with me, she is such a drag? Oh, don’t take Lily on tour with you, I am so much more useful! Every single time we had plans, he pulled you away, took your phone or decided he would crash our time together. Spending the whole time demanding to be the centre of attention so I might as well not even have been there. Hell, he even made out with you when I was sat right there! How fucking awkward do you think that is? Sat there watching a movie and you start moaning as he sucks your dick! He said choose me over Lily a thousand ways and you just said of course dear, I love you. And then threw me out your life completely blaming me for everything because he is such an innocent little angel. He fucking gaslighted me, and you let him, you fucking eejit!”

  If he hadn’t been so shaken by my shouting, he might have laughed when I accidently slipped into the Irish lingo. Had he been manipulated by his boyfriend all of this time? It couldn’t be, could it? He decided to bluster his way through the fight. “Well, you were the one who never wanted to hang out with any of my friends. Maybe it was you who never accepted them.”

  I rolled my eyes. “No one in your life ever had a nice word to say about me. All they ever wanted to do was say shit about me or make side comments that I wasn’t good enough for you. Even singing Taylor Swift when we broke up when I was right there.”

  He took pause at that; it was mostly true. People in his life had said some extremely hurtful stuff both in person to him and in the background of calls he had been on with her. “You took it the wrong way.”

  I wasn’t finished yet. “As for not accepting your dates. I did try, but I gave up when they abused me. You always pick toxic assholes other than that British guy, I liked him, he was nice.”

  “He fucking broke my heart, he cheated on me! But, hey of course that’s the one you actually like! Perfect!”

  “Yeah, I did like him. He gave us space and time together without always watching. He
understood the basic fact that you need friend time as well as date time to be healthy. He never intruded on our time. He even backed off and went to make dinner so we could talk when I was upset and accidently crashed your date. If I text you and he was there, he always text back to tell me you were busy with him and gave a rough time when you would be free. But always remembering to ask if it was an emergency first. He was a good man, he treated us both right. I felt a part of your life and your family then. I miss that guy.”

  “He still cheated.”

  “No, I don’t think he did,” I said firmly. “I think that your paranoia from smoking endless amounts of weed told you that he cheated because you couldn’t cope with being in a healthy place and treated right. So, because you didn’t have that abuse or toxic shit in the relationship, your druggie's mind made up another lover to explain where he was when he gave us space. Then you ‘cheated’ on him too to ‘make it right’ and he dumped you for it. And to be honest, I don’t blame him for leaving. You are a total asshole when you are high.”

  “Fuck you, you know nothing about me or him or my life. I hate you,” he spat.

  I shook my head sadly. “And I pity you. The mess you have become, thanks to your addictions and that man fuelling them. I’m done, goodbye.”

  And then, he was left all alone with his thoughts.

  Hours later, Adrian found me staring at the window of my hotel room. An empty bottle at my feet smashed, blood pouring from a wound on my wrist that I used the broken glass to slash at. My breath stank of whisky as he pulled me near. I didn’t react to his touch as he used his shirt to clean up my wrist. Stemming the flow of blood as best he could. There was only one person who could get me like this. “What did he do now?” Ade demanded.

  “I had to go to his addiction counselling.”

  “And?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “He is not worth doing this over,” He snapped. “At least let me clean this up properly if ye won’t talk.”

  I did, letting him clean the wound and then bandage it. Before pulling me onto the bed to hug away my pain.

  Chapter 31

  Lily’s POV

  I woke thenext morning; my arm was re-bandaged with clean cloth. Adrian was gone, the bed still warm so it hadn’t been for long. A tray of breakfast waited for me on the nightstand. My suitcases were packed, waiting patiently at the end of my bed. It was a travel day today, so we would be leaving soon. Adrian even laid out a long sleeve shirt with my travel outfit so I wouldn’t have to have any awkward conversations with the band before I was ready. I think that was actually his shirt, not mine. It was undeniably sweet considering we weren’t dating anymore. Noticing that the tour bus would be leaving soon, I showered and ate fast. Rushing down with my cases to meet the others.

  Adrian looked up at me as I came down, looking me over to make sure that the bandage was hidden before taking my bags off me to put them away, preventing me from hurting my arm any further.

  “Thanks,” I said quietly before heading to my bunk. When I pulled the curtain back, I found a cloth bag full of snacks and soda, all my usual types. Along with a note ‘Figured you wouldn’t have time, keep safe. No man is ever worth losing your life over’. Aww, I couldn’t help but feel my cold stone heart melting at that. I cuddled up on the bunk with my bear. Maybe it was finally time to start reading those emails. All sixty-seven of them.

  Lily, I have no excuse. I should never have done what I did. I was too shit scared of losing you. I thought it would be easier if you never knew. I never thought how manipulative that was or how close it was to what he did to you. I am sorry. I love you. Adrian.

  Lily, please. I would give my heart and soul if I could have just one last phone call with you. Please.

  Lily, don’t let one mistake ruin our future please. I love you.

  Lily, don’t make me live without you. I don’t know if I can. You are everything to me. You came into my life and threw it on its head. I don’t know how youse did it, but I have become a new man because of you. A man who can love and does with all his heart. And he loves you. Please.

  When we got off at the hotel, Adrian carried my bags again, right to my room before going back for his own. I waited for him down in the lobby.

  “Do you need something?” he asked.

  “I read the emails.”

  “All of them?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay, and what do you think?”

  “Maybe we could find a way to be friends again.”

  Adrian smiled. “I would like that very much.”

  “Give me some time.”

  “As long as ye need darling, I will be right here waiting for youse. Whatever it takes, I am willing to go all in on this.”

  Chapter 32

  Adrian’s POV

  Callum and Teddy crashed into my room, both completely trashed, waking me up. “What the fuck you two? I only just go to bed after the goddamn interviews! Some of us don’t get to knock off as soon as the stage clears!” I bitched, “What fucking time is it?”

  “Ade, look, I’m sorry, but we need to talk. It’s about Lily,” Callum said.

  Teddy nodded. “She isn’t herself.”

  I jumped out of bed, pulling my jeans back on. “Is she hurt? Where is she?”

  They looked at each other nervously. “Not exactly hurt,” Callum commented.

  “Just tell me what the fuck is going on before I throw ye both out on ye asses and go back to bed,” I snapped.

  Callum sighed, “Look Ade, I don’t want you to get angry, but we were out drinking, and I decided to show Teddy here the Goddess of Love.”

  “Yeah, the swingers bar that youse always go to when we come here. So what? I don’t see what your drunken night out and casual sexcapades have to do with Lily,” I snapped.

  They looked at each other trying to think of a way to put it into words nicely what they had seen. Nudging each other trying to get the other to speak first.

  “She was in there,” I said, my voice barely as whisper as it all clicked into place.

  “Yeah, she was. With two guys, making out. We walked in on them; we didn’t mean to,” Teddy commented. “But we thought you should know.”

  “Get out, just get out!” I screamed. Fuck being sober, I needed a drink!

  Lily’s POV

  I was hurting more than I had ever thought possible. The tour rolling on, the harder it was to be around Adrian, to feel all the mixed-up emotions that I felt for him. Along with all the excess baggage from the other ex. As well as the massive life adjustment to trying to cope with touring. It was all just too much. Which was why I was actually stupid enough and drunk enough tonight to try something that was completely not me to try and survive this insanity. Hell, this was my ex’s world not mine, it had always worked for him. He had always put sex as the most important thing in his life. More important than anything else, work, money, family, and certainly a lot higher than me in his life. Whenever he spoke about his relationships, it was never his ‘love life’. Just his ‘sex life’. Making each new date just another notch on his bedpost.

  I was not the type to sleep around, only with people I loved until he made me just another notch as well. I was foolish enough to think that he had changed, that he was ready to settle down. That things would be different this time. He had promised me that much. Of course, he lied, promises broken like so many others that came before and after. Until I couldn’t trust another word he said anymore. Until I could no longer tell the truth from the lies. Until I had started to doubt my own mind.

  I ended up having the odd one-night stand, but other than Adrian, who had fast become a much longer sexual relationship, I hadn’t really dated anyone. After I found out the truth about him, I hadn’t slept with a single person since. But these last few weeks, the itch to be with someone had been growing, hell I nearly kissed Adrian the other night when we were on stage. He looked too damn good in those tight ass jeans. So totally my type. I r
eally needed to quit this tour!

  A highly sexed performance tonight again was what led me after a few bottles of wine to dress up in a sexy black dress, beautiful lace under it and google one of ‘those type’ of clubs. The internet was a wealth of knowledge for anything you wanted, even sex.

  A few more drinks later, it seemed like a great time to play out one of my fantasies. When I found myself offered to go in the back by two unbelievably beautiful men. Quickly I had found myself semi naked, one man kissing my neck as the other traced his way down my naked breasts. Lost in the moment until that blasted door had opened, letting in the second worst sight possible. Two members of the band were staring at us. I mentally cursed myself for forgetting to lock that damn door.

  “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Callum said blushing and ducking outside.