A Tear in the Veil

by Patrick Loveland

  Fuck! You suck at this! Just go!

  Felix turns, steps out onto the street, and lets the door close behind him.

  Felix enters the flat and locks the door behind him. His trip home was filled with more beautiful and fascinating spiderflies, growths on people, blimpwhales, etc. but all he could think about was flubbing the whole subtlety thing with Siobhán.

  Oh well… Why should I care what she thinks she saw anyway?

  “I love you Felix” glows in the hallway ceiling and he hears Sigourney Weaver’s soothing voice coming from the living room. She’s talking about frogs? He rounds the corner and peaks in.

  Audrey is sitting cross-legged on the couch with a bong in the area at the center of her legs and she’s wearing only a sweater, knee-high striped socks, and panties. The other half of a big hit of smoke licks at the top of the bong, waiting to be inhaled. Audrey slowly leans down, lifts the stem a bit to release it, and sucks the smoke out.

  She looks really high. I’m in for it now.

  She notices Felix watching her and smiles. She exhales, letting the smoke billow up past her face and says, “Heeeey, cutey.” Audrey pats the couch next to her. “Sit down.”

  Felix crosses to the couch and sits. She rubs his thigh.

  “Thanks for getting the cartridges. Fishies will be thrilled.”

  “No problem.”

  “How’s your head?” Audrey asks.

  Felix watches frogs climb around in a jungle on the screen.

  “Oh, I got some meds at a store. Much better now.”

  “Good. I missed you today.” Audrey sets the bong down, uncrosses her legs, and leans against Felix’s shoulder. She rubs his chest gently and kisses his neck. “I’d hate to pressure you into anything with your head throbbing. I mean… headaches are the worst, am I right?”

  “Uh, yeah,” Felix says then moves his hand up under her sweater and starts gently rubbing her side up and down, hip to ribcage. She moans in appreciation.

  “I was watching this Planet Earth about jungles and there’s this part about frogs mating and it got me really horny.” She chuckles softly near his ear then nibbles the lobe. “Is that weird?”

  “Maybe… but not bad,” he responds and chuckles.

  Felix leans into Audrey and kisses her neck and jawline. A little of that and she’s already breathing shorter and heavier. He gently but firmly guides her onto his lap and they grind into each other while they touch and kiss more insistently. Under her sweater, Felix caresses her breasts and feathers a fingertip gingerly against each of her nipples before squeezing them a few times. Audrey claws at the back of his neck while she kisses and bites it on the side. He slides his hands around under the sweater and gently kneads Audrey’s back from between then below the shoulder blades steadily down to the small of it. She moans into his neck and he takes his signal to work further down to her soft, firm bottom.

  After a bit of this, Audrey moans again and says, “Futon.”

  Felix picks her up and carries her out of the living room and down the hall with her legs wrapped around his waist, kissing her as they go.

  About half way down, he lowers her and ducks a bit just in time to avoid smacking the back of her head into the neon and nixie tube sign and they laugh.

  She wraps herself around him and nestles her chin over his shoulder and for a moment he feels like a firefighter saving an anonymous young woman. She sighs, sounding content. It’s a tender moment that almost seems out of place to him amidst her swirling passion.

  They make it to the bedroom and Felix eases her down onto the futon. He kisses her neck down to her cheekbones then slides his face down the length of her sweater to her hips and kisses them down to her thighs. He kisses the inner parts of them as she looks down at him through half-open eyes. Normally he’d linger and tease longer, if not please her this way first, but she’s got him really ready. She must feel the same because she hasn’t taken off her sweater in the rush.

  Felix hooks his fingers through the panty straps and guides them off her hips then, with a little help from Audrey, up her legs and off over her toes. He quickly undoes his silly storm trooper helmet belt buckle, unzips his pants, and pushes his work pants and boxers down.

  He puts it in and they both take in a quick, sharp breath. He holds his for a bit and she lets hers out real slow while she admires him and slides a hand down his ribs and side.

  They move together like this for a long time then he rolls onto his back and she straddles him. She rides him, eventually going into something like a trance and closing her eyes. Felix closes his eyes too.

  Audrey’s moans get louder and more frequent and Felix knows she must be close. He grips her thighs tenderly, guiding her hips and helping her along.

  Closer… closer… clo–

  No. Not now…

  Audrey’s moans have changed. There’s a kind of low, powerful hum to them and he thinks he hears the window vibrating.

  He opens his eyes just before she does. Hers slide open like windows into a psychedelic dream world. The distortions pouring out of her eyes this time aren’t so much disturbing as awe-inspiring.

  Parts of her head and face do break apart or become see-through but the glow is bright and colorful. Her legs and hips and hands do the same and he can see parts of tendons, muscles, and bones as if through a fuzzy lens. Felix is too far over the line to lose his arousal and, as he slides over the edge of the falls, that distant part of him decides this should prove to be the trippiest orgasm he ever has.

  Audrey is already there and… it shows.

  The windows are vibrating from some variable he can’t pretend to understand and he wonders how they don’t shatter.

  As she moans and arches her body back, she tightens up all over and Felix loses it with her, digging his fingers into her firm, soft thighs. The pleasure and release are intense, paralleled by his anxiety and wonder. As it subsides, Felix realizes his toes have curled and he deliberately relaxes them.

  Audrey collapses onto Felix’s chest laughing and breathing hard. She nestles down into him and it occurs to him she wants to cuddle. He curls his arms around her and holds her but in his mind he’s still trying to process what just happened.

  She kisses his chest and giggles, making her way up to his mouth. Still a little dazed, Felix forgets to put his guard up again and he looks down at her to see if she looks even near normal again. She notices.

  “Felix, what’s wrong?”

  She raises herself up on her hands to look at him.

  “N-nothing. I’m just tired.”

  The scary distortions must have felt upstaged because they pour out too fast, warping and melting everything into see-through cutouts and dripping, splashing gore. The burning dark glow is almost blinding in an instant and she locks those pulsing, dead shark eyes down on him. He shudders, unable to stop it.

  “BULLSHIT! YOU LOOKED AT ME LIKE I HAD TWO HEADS JUST NOW!”

  She seems to be studying him.

  “ARE YOU TAKING YOUR MEDICINE?!”

  Felix tries to stay as calm as possible even though her anger pulses down onto his face and it feels like he stuck his head into an oven set to broil. It’s more like radiation than heat, though. Plus those eyes scare the shit out of him.

  “Of course.”

  “FELIX, ARE YOU TAKING IT?!”

  “You don’t have to ask me twice! I’m not lying, dammit!”

  The whole mess swirls, burning darker and brighter for a moment. Then she sighs hard and it slowly starts to subside and she lowers herself back down to his chest.

  She says, “I’m sorry, baby. It’s just… You have to take the medicine. It’s hard to… I just need you to.”

  “Don’t worry, Audrey. I’m taking it.”

  A little while later, Felix stands in the bathroom examining one of Wahrheit’s pills. He looks back into the dark bedroom. Audrey is snoring softly. He looks back at the pill and thinks. He looks back into the bedroom again and it looks like Audrey is watchin
g him through mostly closed eyes from the futon like he used to do when his grandparents checked in on him on Christmas Eve. It’s not the same feeling at all, but he can’t shake the memory.

  He pours a glass of water and takes the pill then turns off the light and goes to bed.

  19

  It’s bright again and the thing is circling the dome room faster and faster and getting louder with every revolution. The vibration is so strong Felix can barely feel his limbs. He’s doubled over on his knees on the floor shaking violently. He can feel his teeth humming in his mouth in synch with that damn revolving thing.

  Felix hears a new sound rising from the inner apex of the dome where it’s too dark to see. It’s a shrill, distorted hiss that harmonizes with the vibrations and hum of everything.

  He forces himself to look up.

  Something in the darkness–or the darkness itself–slithers and tendrils of pitch grow and swallow the light. The impossibly dark ceiling breaks apart and Felix can see what must be stars.

  Felix wakes up face down and alone in the futon. He looks at the alarm clock. It’s almost one in the afternoon. He rolls onto his back and looks around. Audrey is in the bathroom. She finishes brushing her teeth, rinses, and walks into the bedroom.

  “Hey. Good morning.”

  “Morning,” Felix responds cautiously.

  “Gotta get a move on to my one-thirty class.”

  She crosses to the futon and sits. She tenderly places her hand over his heart.

  Audrey says, “I’m sorry about last night. I ruined a really good thing.”

  “No you–”

  “I did and I’m sorry. I’m just paranoid because I love you so much. You just need to remember that the medicine is like a… necessary evil.”

  “I take it every night.” Hey, it’s sort of true.

  “I know you do. I love you, Felix.”

  “I love you too.”

  Audrey leans in and they kiss. She gets up and walks to the bedroom door then stops and looks back.

  “Oh, you got the wrong cartridges. Too small. Could you go back and get the larger ones?”

  “I have a pretty busy day off schedule today, but I might be able to pencil it in.”

  “Thanks.”

  “En pee.”

  “Geek.”

  Audrey leaves and Felix stares at the ceiling, thinking about his dream.

  It’s almost three before Felix gets out of the house and into a foggy day in the city. Banks roll through the lower elevations and pour over the tops of the hills and cut the visibility like soft, seventy-foot dividers.

  Usually Felix loves this kind of day but he doesn’t know what to feel today. The thick mist at street level as he walks down Stockton is cool on his face so that’s good at least.

  Blimpwhales play and chase each other through the sky, disappearing into the fog banks and popping back out from a distant part a little later.

  There aren’t as many spiderflies or those bigger swimmers out and about but there are glowing bulbs and tentacle growths on people all around.

  I should probably start carrying my four-two-six again, he thinks as he enters the hustle and bustle of morning business in Chinatown’s market area.

  He reaches Sacramento, crosses the street and walks down the hill to the fish store. He enters and walks down the center aisle, half expecting to see the little crawdad thing. It’s not around, though.

  Siobhán is with a customer. She’s wearing dark jeans and a well-worn black Creatures t-shirt with white Docs and no makeup. The image on the shirt is from the cover of their album “Boomerang”. Her longer hair and dreadlocks are tied into two loose braids, which drape down over her chest. Simple for her, but she’s still gorgeous.

  She notices Felix and her expression changes a little but she’s still in control of it and she continues to help with the customer’s problem.

  Felix walks to the filter rack and finds the right cartridges then makes his way to the counter.

  Siobhán’s customer seems satisfied and walks down the second to last aisle on the west side of the store. Siobhán walks behind the counter. The back of her shirt says, “Killing Time” in thin white print that has faded from dozens of washings.

  She turns back toward Felix and for once all she says is, “Hey.”

  “Hey. Yesterday, I got the wrong cartridges. Can I exchange them?” Siobhán studies his face but this time it’s more curious than nervous or defensive.

  “Yeah, you seemed a little… out of it yesterday.”

  “I think I must be getting a cold or something,” Felix lies.

  Siobhán watches the customer she was helping leave but there’s another by a big tank of aquatic turtles he hadn’t noticed before.

  “Sure, I can exchange them but it’ll probably cost more.”

  “That’s cool.”

  She takes the bag containing the filters from yesterday and the right ones Felix found. She looks in the bag and winces a little.

  What was that about?

  She takes the box out of the bag and scans it, then the other.

  “It’ll be three twenty-seven more.”

  Felix gives her a five and she makes change. Siobhán places the new cartridges in the old bag, picks up something from under the counter and produces another of the colorful coupons.

  Felix says, “I think there’s already one in the–”

  “I’ll honor both,” Siobhán says and smiles. It’s a strange little smile and Felix is really confused now.

  Hopeful with just a touch of sad desperation? What happened to the long, tall vixen from Toughbutsexyville?

  “Great savings, those. Make sure to check them out.” There’s even a slight wavering of the “American” accent she always uses and he can almost pick out what her natural accent is.

  It was just a hint… Scottish? Welsh? Northern English? Irish? Maybe Irish… Republic or Northern, though? Seems most like Republic Irish.

  Felix takes the bag and says, “Thanks.”

  He walks down the center aisle and leaves without looking back so he won’t have to return any more weird looks from Siobhán.

  Felix enters the apartment, locks the door behind him, and walks into the living room. He takes the cartridges out of the paper bag and sets them down on the aquarium filter.

  He walks down the hall to the kitchen and looks at the dark I Love You Felix/Audrey sign. When it’s turned off, the neon tubes are off white and the letters in the display wiring in the nixie tubes look meshed together. I Love You [FAuedlrieyx]?

  He crumples the fish store bag into the circular hole atop the silver bullet trashcan in the kitchen and walks back to the hallway. He makes it to the living room and picks up a PS3 controller to play some Flower before remembering the coupons Siobhán seemed so intent upon him using. Felix cruises back to the kitchen with the blinking controller still in his hand. He sets the controller on the refrigerator then reaches into the trashcan and pulls out the bag. He takes out the two day-glow blue coupons and laughs.

  The coupons have silly, cute fish sitting at a table playing cards and smoking cigars printed on them from a drawing like that one dog painting. Clouds of bubbles come out of their mouths like smoke and the cards have sexy pinup style fish on them. He can tell Siobhán drew the original because the fish share similarities to the ones on the fish store ceiling and in the cases outside the door. “GET FIVE DOLLARS OFF YOUR NEXT PURCHASE OF $20 OR MORE” is written in hand-drawn block letters at the bottom. Felix shakes his head and tucks the bag back in the trashcan then presses the coupons against the refrigerator to place a magnet over them. He detaches a circular magnet that looks like a Royal Air Force roundel and places it on the coupons.

  As he’s taking his fingers off them, he feels something he didn’t expect. Roughness?

  He rubs them between his fingers and feels little bumps on the paper. He feels a flash of nostalgia for some reason, which is especially strange because he doesn’t even know what they are.


  Upon closer inspection, Felix finds a strip of organized rows of tiny bumps on each coupon.

  Braille.

  “What the fuck?”

  Felix pulls the coupons off the fridge and the roundel magnet falls to the tiled kitchen floor and skitters into a wobbly spin. He’s in his editing room before it stops.

  His screensaver is a swirling, psychedelic mass that dances and pulses. He moves the mouse and his desktop appears, the background a blown-up, color-inverted image from a Tank Girl comic of her kicking someone’s head off. Felix minimizes a windowed video clip of a car crashing into a crowd of people at a race in Europe and opens a browser. After a quick search, he finds a Braille alphabet key and explanation.

  It’s hard to make out the arrangements of the bumps, though.

  He thinks for a moment, then rolls the computer chair over the hardwood floor to his drawing table and grabs a pencil and a utility knife he uses for sharpening.

  He places the coupons side by side on the desk next to his monitor and uses the knife to shave some graphite into a little piles of powder on each then rubs it across the rows of bumps. The graphite stains the raised areas, making them easier to decipher.

  After hurriedly consulting the Braille explanation, Felix starts deciphering the messages on the coupons and writing down the letters under them with his pencil. He works quickly, going back and forth between the information on the screen and the groupings of bumps out of a possible six, two vertical rows of three, which, when raised, make up each letter. He finishes the strip on the first coupon and sits back in the chair. The first message reads,

  I KNOW YOU SEE THEM TOO

  Felix takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, reading the words over repeatedly. He’s confused and feels that sense of formless dread.

  Why the secret messages? Why Braille?

  He deciphers the strip on the other coupon, quicker this time. It reads,

  DO YOU REMEMBER

  Remember? Remember what?

  Now he’s really uncomfortable.