White Lies and Promises

by Ally Hayes

  “No, I didn’t. Matt, I’m sorry, but I asked not be told about you. It was easier for me.”

  “Understandable. So you don’t know what happened at all?”

  “Just that you...” Jackie trailed off, couldn’t say it.

  “Oh, you don’t know. Well, it didn’t happen. She lost it. We got divorced. It’s all over.”

  There was a long silence while Jackie comprehended that he was home for good, that the bad dream had ended. Her head spun, and she felt a bit sick—what she had wished for had come true. She finally said the only thing she could think of.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Well, for once, I do. I miss you, Jackie. I always have.”

  “I know, I know, me, too.” She squeezed her eyes shut. Suddenly, the emotion was blinding.

  “I need to see you. Tell me you can meet me.”

  The desperation in his voice sent Jackie over the edge. “That’s not a good idea. Oh, Matt, this is all wrong.” She choked on the words.

  “No, don’t say that. Nothing is wrong now. I’m back and free. I screwed up, and I’ll never be sorrier, but it’s okay now, and you’re home and done with school. I’m home, we’re home. I’ve grown up—God, have I grown up. I’m done drinking. We can forget everything, start over again, and make it up to each other. We’re adults now. We can be together.”

  There was a silence.

  “No, we can’t. I’m going to graduate school. Matt, I’m moving to California.”

  PART THREE

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jackie

  Jackie’s elevator ride to the third floor seemed endless. However, she had only just entered the sleek, modern medical building a mere minute earlier. The nervous knot in her stomach rivaled none other she could remember in her adult life.

  Richard had called her at work, a rarity in her decade at the art league. The last time had been on September eleventh. Whatever it was today couldn’t possibly rival that call—or could it, she wondered. On the phone, he sounded calm and simply asked her to meet him here, to meet with Dr. Stanton. He had lab results to discuss.

  Richard rose to his feet as she opened the door to the waiting room. It was a familiar setting; she had memorized the décor on their first visit months ago when Richard finally agreed to meet with the urologist. At that point, they had exhausted all other inquiries as to why they had not been able to conceive over the years. Jackie had already checked everything out with her doctor, which upon being deemed fine led the mystery to Richard and thus, today.

  Jackie attempted to hug Richard, but he stepped back and simply nodded and took both her hands in his as if bracing himself. She realized he had to lead in this situation. They sat in silence and stillness; there would be no idle leafing through magazines or catalogues at this visit.

  “Mr. Fielding?” a voice from behind a glass window called—no face. “You can go in now.”

  There was more waiting once inside the cold examination room. Finally, Dr. Stanton arrived, accompanied by another man they didn’t recognize.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Fielding, this is Marc Rosen. Dr. Rosen and I often work in conjunction, and I called him to do just that and assist me in the explanation of our findings.”

  For once, Jackie didn’t bother to correct the assumption that they were a married couple. While normally she was quick to clarify, it suddenly did not feel important.

  “Richard, we got suspicious when your sperm counts came back not only low but, how can I best put it...tainted. We ran more tests which showed low testosterone which would explain the infertility issue, but I wasn’t satisfied for some reason. That’s when I called Dr. Rosen and had you come back for additional samples and the extra blood work.”

  “Richard,” Dr. Rosen began, “I’m afraid to say we suspect a form a testicular cancer.” He let the words absorb with a minute of silence before continuing. “To confirm and diagnose which form we are dealing with, we’ll have to perform a biopsy of sorts.”

  “You’re suggesting surgery to remove a sample of my testicle?”

  “I wish that were the case; however, removing just a portion of the testicle is usually not an option because cutting through the outer layer of the testicle can cause any cancer cells to spread. Removing the testicle may prevent any spreading to other parts of the body as well. I’m sorry, but I would only recommend surgical removal of the entire testicle.”

  “I don’t know,” Richard said honestly.

  “We know it’s a lot to take in, but until we know what type it is and if it has spread to the lymph nodes, I don’t have any more information. Obviously, the quicker we know the sooner we can begin treatment.”

  “Of course, but I meant I don’t know if I can let you remove my balls.”

  “Richard, you need to do this!” Jackie blurted out.

  Richard patted her hand. “I’ll be in touch,” Richard said to the doctors before shaking their hands. To Jackie’s, surprise they simply nodded and told him to take care.

  In the hall outside the office, Richard assured Jackie he was fine and the doctors understood that patients needed time to decide or seek a second opinion. Since they had taken separate cars, Jackie was forced to focus on the road and suppress the shock and wave of emotions for the next thirty minutes.

  Back at their condominium, she wanted to talk, but Richard merely assured her they would later, told her he had some calls to make. Jackie then began some research of her own on the internet. By dinnertime, they both knew it wasn’t good.

  “If their suspicions are correct, it’s either a seminoma or non-seminoma tumor. I’d prefer the former,” Richard explained as they sat at their empty kitchen table.

  “You’ll have the biopsy?”

  “I suppose I have no choice. Should we order takeout?”

  So many of their important conversations had been addressed this way over the twelve years they had lived together that Jackie should have been used to it. Moving, career decisions, the question of marriage and children, had all been “dealt with” like a business or a faculty board meeting. Yes, she was accustomed to his ways by now but still wanted to scream at his lack of emotion. Now, with this mind-blowing news, he still seemed analytical. She wanted to yell. How could he not be mad, sad, confused, anything after he was just told he might have cancer?

  Jackie couldn’t make him break down, but she couldn’t refrain from crying and calling her mother over the next few weeks as the waiting game began.

  When the doctors’ call came three weeks later confirming a seminoma and possible lymph node involvement, he relayed the information to Jackie as if he was describing the television program selection for the evening. Richard made his plans and adjusted his schedule seemingly without difficulty. He gave his graduate students early exams and assigned final term papers which he could read and grade from home after his radiation began. He wanted to wait until June but was advised to begin immediately.

  Jackie drove him to his treatments and hesitated to leave him, but he insisted she carry on as usual. She left reluctantly to her office or wherever her job as an art consultant would take her that day.

  The summer passed, and Richard returned to his now mostly-adult filled courses tired but anxious. His follow-up was scheduled for October. Jackie still wasn’t sure if his attitude was due to confidence he would pull through or apathy. She didn’t dare ask.

  The doctors were hopeful, and the ultrasound and bloodwork looked good in the fall. Richard was advised that he may have won the battle. A war might still be raging, he was cautioned, but he could relax for now.

  Richard seemed relieved and finally able to release some emotions on the car ride home from the doctor’s office. Jackie was caught off-guard but welcomed the change of attitude.

  “I’m sorry this pretty much puts an end to our attempts to have a child. I know how much it meant to you.”

  “Oh, Richard, as long as you’re well, that’s all that matters.”

  “Still,
I want to acknowledge the loss for you.”

  “Actually, all is not lost if we don’t want it to be. I’ve been hoping to discuss another option with you: adoption.”

  “Oh.” Now it was Richard’s turn to be caught by surprise.

  “Well, you know I feel because I was adopted that I’ve always thought maybe I could pay it forward.”

  “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear this, but wouldn’t that be difficult with us not being married?”

  Loaded question, Jackie thought to herself. This always came back to commitment and her parents. She didn’t want to address that at the moment.

  “I just wanted to see what you thought,” she replied passively to end the conversation.

  Two years passed before Richard received bad news again. He knew it would come; Jackie, too. However, she had just received good news the week prior and still did not know how to convey the information to Richard. She had told the agency “yes” that she wished to proceed. The baby was due in May.

  Jackie and Richard had already planned to visit her parents in Westhaven over Thanksgiving before he got the call confirming that his lethargy meant something had changed. He continually reassured Jackie he would be fine to travel, but by the Saturday prior, he was too weak from the first round of intensive chemotherapy. She insisted on staying home; he insisted she go, that she needed a break from nursing him. She did need a break; she needed her mom, too.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Matt & Jackie

  Patty was thrilled Jackie would be home for a whole week. She couldn’t help but be even more excited when she discovered she would be coming alone. Jackie had simply told her that Richard couldn’t get away, and Patty didn’t pry. She felt slightly guilty that she was happy about the situation, but she hardly ever got to see her daughter alone. It would have been different if Patty had known the full story, the truth behind his absence.

  She met her at the airport. She wanted to get closer than baggage claim, but lately that was as far as anyone was allowed. Gone were the days of waiting outside the gate. When Jackie arrived, they could hardly let go of each other long enough to grab her bag off the carousel.

  “I have so much to talk to you about,” Jackie began.

  “I can’t wait to hear it all.”

  “I should warn you, it’s not all good, Mom.”

  “You’re such an adult now. You should know by now it’s never ‘all good.’”

  They laughed like old friends for the duration of the ride to Westhaven and were soon pulling into the familiar garage.

  “Dad’s home?” Jackie asked about seeing his car.

  “Oh, yes, he usually is now. He does most of his work—what little he does to appear busy—from home. You wouldn’t recognize his den; he’s gone high-tech. I don’t think he actually ever has to leave the room for anything. I’m the one still running around town like crazy, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  “I didn’t realize.” Jackie normally refrained from asking about her parents’ relationship but couldn’t help it as Patty seemed so happy with the current state of affairs—or lack thereof. She became more curious. “So, does he live here full-time now?”

  “Yes. It was a slow transition out and an even slower one back in, but it’s all fine now. We’ve found our way back to ourselves again.”

  Jackie wanted to ask about the obvious, but Patty must have sensed the question brewing and blocked her.

  “Here we are,” Patty announced loudly as they entered the house. “Your Dad will be so happy to see you!”

  Later, she told them about Richard’s relapse and the new less-hopeful prognosis. They asked a few questions and listened as she released all of her pent-up feelings and frustrations.

  Patty and Robert hugged her and assured her they would do whatever they could. They had never interfered before in their relationship other than to ask, just once, why Jackie and Richard never married. That conversation had taken place years ago, and she gave them the same standard answer she now offered everyone: marriage wasn’t important to her. To Richard, she confided that her parents’ marriage hadn’t provided the model of support for the institution, that she was content to live with him and confident in their relationship and future. Her parents didn’t push it at the time, but her friends had. They had their own opinions for Jackie having denied Richard’s proposals.

  Brianna had stayed local. Sydney left for New York City shortly after college graduation and was quickly living the Manhattan lifestyle—initially funded by her father, and then supported by her older husband.

  Every so often over the years, Jackie would get together with them as a threesome, but mostly she talked to them on the phone and would see Bri if she was home visiting her parents. Her friends knew she could never commit to Richard because of Matt, that she would never truly give up on him even if she told herself she had. In moments of weakness, Jackie would ask Brianna what she knew of Matt. Brianna would hesitate but always give in, offering what news she had of Westhaven High School’s infamous basketball coach and bachelor lawyer.

  On Sunday, they slept late and ate a big breakfast together. Later, Patty drove Robert and Jackie around town to show them the “before” versions of the houses that would be transformed into spectacular holiday displays by Bill and his crew beginning then next day.

  Jackie met Brianna for lunch on Monday, and with so much to talk about between Richard’s cancer and the pending—and still secret—adoption, they were still chatting at three o’clock. Brianna quickly made arrangements via cell phone to have her kids picked up from school and to spend the afternoon at a neighbor’s house, and the two friends were soon enjoying happy hour and Indian summer.

  Jackie found solace in being able to confide in her friend about the prospect of a baby, as she wasn’t ready to share the information with her mother yet. The long afternoon, though, made for an early night, and she fell asleep on the couch while Robert and Patty watched a show on television they appeared to follow together.

  Having felt guilty for abandoning her mother the previous day, Jackie decided to bring Patty a coffee to her office the next morning. She found her father deep into something on his computer, one of the two in his office. He offered her his car and said that he would make lunch for them when she got back. While waiting in line at the coffee shop, she remembered Ann and ordered an extra cup to go. When Jackie arrived at the newly expanded office and new decorator’s showroom, Ann ambushed her.

  “Oh, honey, it’s so good to see you. You look terrific!”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Foster, and you, too. Here, I got you a coffee and one for my mom. Is she here?”

  “No, she can’t help but go oversee the houses. I think she’s over on Forest Road with the crew. You should go. It’s cold, and she’ll appreciate hot coffee. But you might want to pick up a couple more or you’ll have an angry mob on your hands.”

  “Great plan. I’ll do that.”

  Ann didn’t mention one of the mob of workers would be Matt.

  The previous year, Matt had been asked to help with the decorating because his father’s crew had been short-handed due to a mini-outbreak of the flu in the area. This year he offered to assist. He had liked it and found it kicked in the holiday spirit, which he often needed. His office was closed that week anyway. Somewhere in the past years schools and other businesses decided Thanksgiving week was so unproductive, there was no point in heating the buildings. The other two attorneys Matt worked with had families with kids who were home and relatives to visit or host. It just seemed wrong to expect the only single partner to hold down the fort, and so they had closed the office for the past three years. Matt appreciated the sincerity but needed to find something to fill the time. As a result, he would hold a pre-season warm-up camp for any players who were in town, and now he also helped his dad. He didn’t mind that it was Patty he was really assisting.

  Matt was using a staple gun to attach icicle lights to the soffit when he heard a car
door slam. Holding a cardboard carton full of coffees stood Jackie. He shook his head to clear it. Of course it wasn’t her, and yet it was. Unmistakably, it was Jackie. He knew her stance like he knew his own name. Elbows jutting as she held the cardboard tray. Her hair was shorter but still the same dark silk he remembered, could never forget. It was all he could do to stay up on the aluminum ladder.

  He watched from above as she met with her mother. Emotions he couldn’t remember experiencing came rushing back—the anxiety of seeing her arrive in their basement for the parties, the sickness he felt when he found out she hadn’t waited, the disappointment he felt as he said “I do” to someone that wasn’t Jackie. Matt couldn’t breathe.

  At the same moment, Jackie looked up, and there he was, the man of her dreams. Well, the grown-up version of the boy who haunted her as she struggled to sleep next to a man who was not the boy.

  He looked down at her, and she was fourteen again.

  Bill and another worker, Doug, the one hanging the wreaths, had joined Patty and Jackie and were thanking her for the coffee. Matt was wondering what to do when Patty yelled up to him to come take a break. It took all his concentration to descend the rungs, and it seemed an endless journey across the lawn to the spot where they stood.

  “Matthew.”

  “Hi, Jackie. It’s good see you.”

  “Here, icebreaker.” Jackie handed him a cup of coffee while the others in attendance let their held breaths escape.

  Doug looked lost and wandered to the sidewalk to light a cigarette.

  “Well, this is a nice surprise,” Patty offered. “Bill, how about we go over the plans again. They’re in my car.”

  After they had walked away, Matt finally relaxed and spoke. “Well, that wasn’t too awkward. I’ve pictured running into you a hundred different ways, but outside on a stranger’s lawn wasn’t one of them.”

  “I know.” Jackie laughed. “I guess I always knew it would happen but never thought it would be a surprise. At least we’re both caught off guard.”