White Lies and Promises

by Ally Hayes

  They were quiet, took sips.

  “How’s California?”

  “It’s good. I like it more than I thought it would. I hear things are good for you?”

  “Yeah, I keep busy. Pretty decent law practice, and we’ve got a promising basketball team this year. I can’t complain. How long are you here for?”

  “The original plan was to stay until Saturday. I’m not sure now. I had a last-minute change, so I might need to head back early, maybe Thursday night.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes, long story. Anyway, your parents seem good. How are all your sisters? And Joey, too?”

  “Everybody’s great. I’ve got a ton or nieces and nephews, and I’m godfather to Joey and Theresa’s son, Anthony. He’s surrounded by sisters like I was, so we’re pretty close. I’m training him to be a point guard.”

  “Of course, you are,” she laughed. It felt good. She was surprisingly relaxed.

  “I heard you made a career out of art. Kudos. Not an easy feat.”

  “Thanks, I was pretty determined to prove everyone wrong. I believe you were among the doubters?”

  “Guilty.”

  They laughed the way only old friends did, and with a touch of nerves as only old lovers did--comfortably, yet not entirely.

  “I came alone,” Jackie found herself saying.

  “Oh, I assumed that you, um, didn’t.”

  “No, again, it’s a long story. It always is, isn’t it?”

  “You got that right. Well, if you do stay, you know that this Friday is still a big night out at the Westside Pub. I’m not much into the bar scene normally, but this is usually a good night to catch up with people if you’re up for that.”

  Jackie winced. “Hmm, I’ll have to think about that.”

  “Sure. I guess I’d better get back to it. We’ve got a lot left to do, and I’m running drills this afternoon at the gym.”

  “Ouch, you’re a hard-ass coach. I should have guessed.”

  “Nah, I’m just keeping them in shape. Thanks for the coffee, even though you had no idea it would be for me.”

  “I’m glad it was.”

  Not knowing how else to part ways, they both did a sort of wave as they headed in their different directions. Both of their hearts were racing.

  “I’m fine, stay until Saturday. I’m sleeping a lot anyway, and when I’m awake, I’m reading papers. I’m no fun,” Richard explained.

  “I feel like I’m abandoning you. It would be difficult to change the ticket now, though.”

  “Relax, I’ll see you Saturday night.”

  Stay she did; relax she couldn’t.

  Jackie was in her old room debating whether to go out and weighing her wardrobe choices. She still couldn’t believe she had gone shopping on Black Friday. Moreover, she went to the department stores, not to start Christmas shopping, but to find something in case she decided to see Matt tonight!

  Briana told her to lighten up and come with her to the bar. Jackie had not given her a firm answer. As it was nearing seven, she tried to conjure up another plausible excuse to stay in. She didn’t hear the doorbell over her own thoughts.

  “Jackie,” her mother yelled up from the main floor, “you have a visitor.”

  Jackie leaned over the stair banister to tell Brianna to give her a minute. The words got stuck when she saw Matt standing in the doorway.

  “Oh.” She began to walk down the stairs. “How did you know I would still be here?”

  “I took a chance, and I figured it would be more convincing to come in person rather than call and have you give lame excuses.”

  “Well, I don’t know.”

  “Oh, come on, you’re clearly dressed to go out. Grab your bag or whatever, and let’s go before you chicken out.”

  “I’m no chicken. Let me just call Bri and tell her I’ll meet her there.”

  “Aha, so you were coming!”

  “Maybe, maybe not. It’s possible you were convincing. I’ll never tell.”

  The short car ride dissolved the years and any tension that may have been left. By the time they walked into the bar, Matt was feeling the most at ease he could remember. Jackie seemed relaxed to him, too. He quickly ordered her a glass of wine and tonic water for himself. He wanted to treat her but show he was not expecting her to have to stick by his side all night, so when he handed her the glass, he casually told her that Crestwood alumnae were on the other side of the bar. Jackie thanked him and, to his relief, she asked if he wouldn’t mind her coming back over after she said some hellos. His grin was all the answer she needed.

  Joey and Theresa were among the group from Westhaven High. Matt joined the group and greeted everyone before turning the couple around by their shoulders to face the other side of the bar. He pointed.

  “Look who I brought,” Matt teased.

  “Oh, my, God!” Theresa yelled and hugged Matt congratulatory-style.

  “Calm down T, but I know. Cool, huh?”

  “What are you doing standing here with us? Go be with her, man,” Joey nudged him.

  “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t get her drunk, or whatever the saying is. I’m giving her some space…for a couple of minutes!”

  Jackie chit-chatted with her fellow alum and answered all the usual boring questions while sneaking sideways glances at Matt. A lot of people, including women, had been approaching him. He seemed his same old popular self. When she finally decided enough time had passed, she excused herself to the ladies’ room and then sauntered over to Matt.

  “Thanks for bringing me. It really is good to see everyone,” Jackie said as she touched his arm to show sincerity. “You were right.”

  “You would have been missed. Actually, you have been missed,” he pointed out.

  “So, are you refraining as my driver or are you totally on the wagon?”

  “No. Over the years, I’ve found a way to be able to enjoy a beer or two, an occasional glass of wine. But this crowd is the kind I know to keep sober around. This is one of those situations where it would be hard to stop, so I just can’t start. It used to be more difficult; it’s manageable now. I drank too much as a kid when I couldn’t handle it and have spent my adult life figuring a way to navigate.”

  “Good, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable for me.”

  “That’s the strange part: I’m not. Uncomfortable, that is.”

  “I know. Me, too. Is it possible we’ve grown up?”

  “God forbid,” Matt quickly replied.

  In his car at one o’clock, parked outside her parents’ house, they did ultimately become uncomfortable.

  “I don’t know how to say goodbye,” Matt began.

  “Not a strong suit for either of us,” Jackie replied.

  “I know I don’t want to say goodbye this time.”

  “Then we shouldn’t. Matt, let’s stay in touch.”

  “Really?”

  “I’m not sure, but we can at least try.”

  “You can email me; it’s safe. No one to read my stuff.”

  “Me, too. Richard gives me my personal space, and with his—” Jackie hadn’t mentioned the cancer. She wanted to spend one night not thinking about it—him. “Never mind. It will be fine to email me.”

  “Good. One thing, though, before you go. I need to know: how come you never married this guy?”

  “I’ve made so many excuses over the years I’ve lost track, but I’m beginning to think it’s the same reason you stayed single.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Matt & Jackie

  “We’re going to be grandparents!” Patty announced to Robert as he walked into the kitchen.

  “Jackie’s pregnant? I didn’t think that was possible.”

  “No, she’s adopting a baby. Well, she hopes to. It’s due in May, and unless the birth mother has a change of heart, she’s chosen our Jackie.”

  “And Richard?”

  “She hasn’t told him. She doesn’t want to get his hopes up. She
said she felt the same about telling us but couldn’t help confiding in us as we’ve been down that road before. She’s so excited—nervous—but she sounded great.”

  “Well, that’s terrific,” Robert agreed. However, he had recently received news as well—the type he couldn’t share with matched enthusiasm.

  The previous week, Robert had gotten a phone call from Richard. That in itself wasn’t unusual. Ever since the first advice call he had made, the two had kept in touch often this way.

  This time Richard’s call was not about an interesting article or book he wished to recommend. It was the truth about his health. He had waited until the holidays had passed to make the difficult phone call. Richard matter-of-factly told Robert he would be lucky to see summer and could not face another round of torturous radiation or chemotherapy. He was done with trying to salvage months only to spend them sick and tired. Richard explained that he was getting his affairs in order and wanted to make sure Jackie would be taken care of. Since they were not married, he would need a will prepared to leave her his assets. He also wanted Robert’s assurance she would return to Westhaven, or least somewhere close to her family. He didn’t want her to stay in California; he knew she wouldn’t move forward if she stayed there.

  Robert promised Richard he would have nothing to worry about and to enjoy quality time right now while he could. After he hung up, Robert booked airline tickets and a hotel room for a month later. Now in the wake of Jackie’s call about the baby, Patty wanted to revise the plans.

  “You know; we should cancel our trip in March and go when the baby arrives. She’ll need me more then.”

  “I’m sorry, Patty, we can’t wait that long. We need to go now,” Robert said solemnly.

  The trip had truly been just in time. The day before they were scheduled to arrive in California, Richard decided it was time to go to the hospital—he was short of breath. Although Jackie knew he was failing, neither spoke of the end. Like the elephant that was forever residing in their lives, they refused to address it with each other.

  Richard was admitted immediately. He had fluid in his lungs which had moved to surround his heart. Both were relieved when Robert and Patty arrived the next day; they each had their confidants. Richard was made comfortable, but when the doctors came to discuss his condition, they were told there was simply nothing more they could do. Robert barely had time to contact Richard’s family who made it on his final day.

  Ann and Bill took over the business for the next two weeks as the Hamiltons grieved and packed, talked and cried back on the west coast. One of Richard’s requests was that Jackie dispose of his clothes and belongings immediately. He had done most of it himself in the months prior to spare her the heartache. With his traces erased, he had hoped she would be able to leave more easily.

  “Come home with us, at least for a while,” Patty begged.

  “I can’t—the baby.”

  “Of course, well, after then. I’ll come out here, help you, and fly back if you’d like. It’s so exciting to think of you with a baby. I have to ask: did you ever tell Richard?”

  “No.” Jackie shook her head. “At first, I thought he would disapprove with his being sick, and then towards the end, I just didn’t want him to worry. Our communication wasn’t the greatest, actually. He was a great guy, and I loved him. I will miss him forever, but I don’t know if we would have been together forever, to be honest.”

  After many tears and hugs, Robert and Patty went home to resume their life. Jackie, alone back at the near-empty condo, decided it was time to move on indeed. She took her first step by responding to all the cards of condolence and sympathy, including one from Matt.

  True to their word, they had stayed in touch since that night in November. Jackie was the first to make contact—she had to be. She was the one with a relationship on the line. She had waited until after the holidays, in much the same way as Richard. As if the weeks from mid-December to after January second were too precious to discuss anything of a touchy nature. She chose e-mail as her method of first contact.

  J518@aol.com Hi. Hope you had a nice holiday.

  MF518@att.net Hi!!!! Yes, you, too. So, you still want to keep in touch?

  J: Yes, definitely. There’s stuff I need to tell you, but later. It’s just nice to be “talking” with you.

  M: Whenever you’re ready. I’m here.

  J: That’s what I needed to hear. I’ll email again soon.

  The first few exchanges were short, timid, and initiated by Jackie. Over the course of January, she told Matt about Richard’s cancer. He was sympathetic, but it made him apprehensive.

  M: How do I do this? Richard, I mean. Every time we “talk” do I ask how he’s doing, or do you not want me to? I mean, I’m concerned but also don’t want to seem like I’m prying or being a jerk. Can we come up some sort of system?

  J: Good point. How about I just know you’re concerned; that you care, but leave it up to me to bring it up? I can give an update when I feel necessary.

  M: Ok, you can start off with saying “status quo” or give an update.

  J: Only after we tell each other how much we miss the other.

  MF: Deal

  There was more bad than good news to share when it came to Richard, but there was the exciting news of the possible baby. She finally told Matt when she felt sure the awkward phase had long passed. He couldn’t have been more supportive and happy. Except he thought Richard should know. This led to the first phone call.

  “Hi, sorry, I just couldn’t express myself in an email. It’s okay to call at work?”

  “Definitely. Okay with your artsy co-workers?”

  “No one is here right now.”

  “So, why keep it from him?”

  “Quite a few reasons: the possibility it might not happen, that he won’t be happy, that he will be happy and won’t live to see the baby, that he’ll tell me not to do it. I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right to share this with him.”

  “But it does feel right to share it with me?”

  “Yes.”

  Jackie began to secretly plan for the baby, and on a very small scale as she tried to stay grounded, reminding herself that it wasn’t a certainty. She put baby furniture on hold, realizing the irony that her whole life was on hold.

  The call came while she was at Bloomingdale’s browsing through the layette section. He said he needed her. Richard had never used those words before.

  That night, after he was settled in at the hospital and her parents were checked in to their hotel, she sent a quick email to Matt.

  J: It’s happening

  M: I’m so sorry

  J: I know, thank you.

  The letter he wrote after Richard’s death was beautiful. It was also the assurance she needed. He gave her space, and she took it. In late April, she decided it was all right to pick up again.

  J: I miss you.

  M: I miss us.

  J: That means everything to me.

  In May, they heated it up.

  M – Thinking of you.

  J – Same here.

  M – The way you laugh.

  J- Your grin.

  M – Your lips.

  J- I like where this is going. Your eyes.

  M – Me too. Your tiny feet.

  J – The way you look in jeans.

  M – The way you look not in jeans.

  J – At which age?

  M – All of them.

  J – No, really.

  M – Ok, this age.

  J – You haven’t seen me out of my jeans since I was eighteen.

  M – In my dreams.

  J – Goodnight Matthew.

  M – See you.

  Realizing she could call Matt from her home phone now—how strange—she dialed one night after her second glass of Merlot.

  “I thought you should know that before he died, Richard told me he wanted me to be happy.”

  “Of course,” Matt replied.

  “He said I
should move on, and he wasn’t just referring to after he passed away. Either he knew something or he truly meant it.”

  “He was giving you his blessing. Take it, please. If you want to wait for us to be together, need more time, though, I can be patient. I’ve waited this long; I can wait some more.”

  “I can’t.”

  “I understand.”

  “No, I can’t wait anymore for you, Matt. I need to see you.”

  “Oh, thank God. I can be there this weekend.”

  He took the red-eye, and it was eight in the morning when she picked him up at LAX. Not wanting to either wait or deal with logistics, they checked into the closest hotel with the giddiness of the teenagers they used to be.

  “Jackie,” he breathed as she fumbled with the key to the room. He was behind her, melting into her.

  Finally in the room, she threw her purse on the dresser and returned back to him, meeting him halfway, crushing her body into his with a want of twenty years. He pulled her to him as he couldn’t possibly get any closer. Theirs was an audible want. A release of desire and desperation.

  He pulled her shirt off. She unbuttoned his. They never stopped touching. Free of clothes, uninhibited, guilt free, they fell to the bed.

  It was Matt who welled up first, but Jackie was followed quickly with the unleashing of tears. For a few minutes, there were no words, only sobs and embracing. A mutual consoling.

  “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay now.”

  “I know,” Matt replied. “It’s just that it was never supposed to be like this. I don’t want to say the years were wasted—that’s not fair to either or us or him—but it feels like it now.”

  “Why couldn’t we ever make it work?”

  “You know, it just wasn’t right—the timing.”

  “But we were always able to start over, like it was meant to be, and then, well…”

  “It doesn’t matter now how many times we started over. Only that we’ve got one left in us.”

  “I’m in, and I’m not going to mess up this time.”

  “Oh, Matt,” Jackie sighed and proceeded to show him how devoted she was, too.