Attack of the Demon Dinner Ladies

by Pamela Butchart

  And then Maisie screamed,

  And that’s when Jodi realised what she’d said and so she just hurried up the path.

  As soon as we walked up the path and knocked on the door I started to get a WEIRD FEELING again.

  So I asked Jodi and Zach if there was anything in the library book about demons giving people WEIRD feelings. And Zach said that there WAS and that some people could SENSE when a DEMON was present.

  Then Jodi said, “What do you think it’ll be like in there?”

  And Zach said that it would be like a NORMAL HUMAN BIRTHDAY PARTY because Amy’s mum and dad weren’t demons and that they wouldn’t even KNOW that the demon dinner lady had got to Amy.

  When we got to the front door it was open wide and we could hear people inside.

  But none of us wanted to be the first one to walk in so we just stood there until a man came out and said, “Hello there! I’m the Birthday Girl’s dad. And YOU must be Amy’s friends from school. Come in, come in!”

  So we all went in and sat on the chairs in the living room.

  That’s when Amy’s dad started asking us what our names were and then telling us everyone else’s names, but I couldn’t remember any of the names he told us because he was doing it too fast. But I DID notice that we were the only people there who weren’t old.

  So that’s when I said, “Is there anyone else from school coming?” and Amy’s dad said, “Em. No. Just you. Is that OK?”

  And I didn’t mind if there wasn’t anyone else from school coming because I only really like spending lots of time with Jodi and Zach and Maisie anyway, because they are not annoying like some of the other people in our class (like Gary Petrie) and also because we weren’t really there for a party anyway, we were there to

  and try to find out information about the ATTACK.

  But I couldn’t say that, so I just said, “Yes, that’s OK.”

  Amy’s dad must have noticed Maisie whimpering because that’s when he said, “It’s OK, Maisie, it’s just Amy and her mum bringing the birthday cake through.”

  But as soon Amy’s mum walked into the living room with Amy the four of us

  the loudest we have probably

  Because Amy’s mum was the

  Everything went a bit mad after that. Maisie fainted and fell on top of the gift she’d made and it EXPLODED with a loud BANG and everyone in the room started screaming and glitter went flying EVERYWHERE!

  That’s when I realised that whatever Maisie had made, she’d made it using only balloons because there wasn’t anything left and she was just lying on a sheet on the living-room floor.

  Everyone was gasping and shouting and coughing on the glitter.

  But the demon dinner lady and Amy both just stood there STARING at us!

  Then Zach went into SHOCK and he just stood there STARING at Amy and her demon dinner lady mum and his eyes were HUGE and we were all covered in glitter and Maisie was still lying on the ground and I wasn’t sure WHAT to do next.

  And that’s when Jodi said, “Um. We have to go.” And so we wrapped Maisie up in the sheet and picked her up and RAN right out of the house and jumped into Maisie’s mum’s car.

  Maisie’s mum drove straight to ACCIDENT AND EMERGENCY when she saw that Maisie had fainted and was wrapped up in a sheet and covered in glitter and bits of burst balloon.

  By the time we got to the hospital, Maisie had woken up but she couldn’t see because there was glitter in both of her eyes so we just told her to keep them shut.

  When Maisie was being examined all the doctors and nurses who are Maisie’s friends came to see her and check that she was OK because she had to have an EYE BATH which is exactly what it sounds like because it’s a bath for your eyes. But you don’t use a big bath like you would use for your whole body, you just use a little bath that you hold in your hand and then put up to your eye to clean it if you’ve got something stuck in it that’s making it hurt, like glitter.

  While Maisie was getting her eye bath, Jodi asked Dr Daisy if she could check that Zach was OK and we explained that we thought he was in SHOCK and that we were worried about his VITAL ORGANS like his heart and both of his kidneys because Jodi had taken a pamphlet from the accident and emergency waiting room that was all about SHOCK and it said that it could make your vital organs shut down and that would mean you died.

  So Dr Daisy spoke to Zach and asked him some questions and then she said that he was fine. But when Dr Daisy left Jodi made another doctor look at Zach because she said we needed a SECOND OPINION because Dr Daisy hadn’t even used her STETHOSCOPE to listen to Zach’s heart OR the knee hammer thing that you use to hit people’s knees to make sure their legs still work properly.

  But then the second doctor said that Zach was definitely NOT in shock and he used the stethoscope and the little hammer like Jodi had told him to. So that’s when we knew for sure that Zach was OK.

  So as soon as we knew Zach was OK we grabbed him and all three of us went out into the corridor to talk about what we had seen, because we hadn’t been able to talk about it when we thought Zach’s vital organs were shutting down in case we made them worse.

  That’s when Jodi said, “Can you believe it?! Can you BELIEVE IT?!”

  And we all shook our heads because we knew that she was talking about the demon dinner lady being Amy’s MUM! And even though we obviously DID believe it, because we had seen it and it was true, we couldn’t believe it because it was CRAZY!

  None of us could believe it, especially Zach. He got REALLY upset and said that the only reason Amy had liked playing table tennis with him and talking to him was because she was trying to get close to him so she could make him eat school dinners.

  So I gave Zach a hug, and so did Jodi, because we knew that he OBVIOUSLY really, REALLY liked Amy and it must be weird to find out that the girl you like is only PRETENDING to be a human girl and has actually been taken over by DEMON DINNER LADIES WITH CLAWS AND HORNS!

  The next day we all had to cover our heads with our jackets as we went into school because there were LOADS more of the seagulls flying around above us and we were scared that one of them was going to ATTACK!

  But as SOON as we got into the school building AMY was standing there WAITING for us.

  And that’s when she said, “I have something to tell you.”

  Maisie gripped my hand so tightly I thought my fingers might fall off.

  And then Amy said, “There’s something I’ve been hiding from you.”

  And I held my breath because I couldn’t

  this was about to happen and that Amy was actually going to tell us about the demon dinner lady’s terrible plan!

  I held my breath as Amy looked down at her shoes for ages and didn’t say anything else.

  I could feel my heart beating really fast. And I could feel Maisie’s heart beating too because Maisie had let go of my hand and was hugging me tight with both arms.

  But then Amy got really angry and said, “I think you KNOW what I’m going to say, anyway, don’t you?!”

  But we didn’t say a WORD because something had distracted us.

  And it was ALL of the demon dinner ladies MARCHING along the corridor RIGHT towards us.

  That’s when Jodi yelled, “RUN!”

  So we did.

  We ran all the way to the classroom and when we got there Miss Jones made us all sit down right away because she said we had a SPECIAL GUEST coming to talk to us and that they’d be here any minute.

  But Jodi wouldn’t stop leaning across the table and tapping me on the arm with her ruler to get my attention because she said we needed to make an EMERGENCY WAR PLAN and that we needed to make it NOW!

  Then Jodi started drawing plans in the back of her notepad and holding them up for us to see even though Miss Jones goes MAD when we do that. But I couldn’t really understand what Jodi’s plans were because it just looked like loads of headless stick people and a giant serpent.

  But I didn’t even get a CHANCE to ask Jodi abou
t the plan because that’s when someone knocked on the classroom door and Miss Jones said, “Everyone, please welcome our very special guest!”

  I almost choked when I saw who our guest was.

  Because it was the

  And she’d brought her

  We all sat there STUNNED as the demon dinner ladies marched into our classroom and stood in two rows in front of the whiteboard.

  Then Miss Jones said, “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the new head cook and all of the wonderful dinner ladies. Please give them a round of applause for doing such an excellent job!”

  The demon dinner lady smiled creepily as everyone clapped WAY too much. But then she spotted US and her smile disappeared and she STARED at us for ages.

  I genuinely thought I was going to faint when she STARED at us like that. And I was completely shocked that Maisie managed to stay conscious. But then I noticed that Maisie had put Blu Tack over her eyes so that she couldn’t see the demon dinner ladies.

  Then Miss Jones said, “Over to you, Mrs Denim.”

  Jodi stared at me and I knew that it was because Denim sounded a LOT like DEMON.

  The demon dinner lady looked at Miss Jones and then started smiling again, but her smile looked MEGA FAKE.

  Then she said, “Hello, everyone. As Miss Jones has just said, I’m Mrs Denim, the new head dinner lady. And I’m here today to let you know about something very SPECIAL that will be happening in the dining hall tomorrow.”

  And that’s when our whole table started to shake and I knew that it was only a matter of time before Maisie stopped shaking and fainted instead so I put my hand under the table and patted her leg to let her know that it was OK and that we wouldn’t let ANYTHING happen to her. But the pat must have STARTLED her because she squealed a bit and that made the demon dinner lady stare at us AGAIN.

  Then the demon dinner lady said, “EVERYONE will be expected to be at school dinners tomorrow for the

  And that’s when Gary Petrie put his hand up and said, “What IS the surprise, Miss?”

  And that’s when the demon dinner lady did the EVILEST SMILE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

  And she said, “Well, you’ll just have to wait and see, my dear.”

  Then the demon dinner lady turned and looked RIGHT AT ME and said, “But I can ASSURE you that school will never be quite the same again.”

  And that’s when I heard a loud THUD because Maisie’s head had just hit the table.

  When we arrived at school the next day Maisie wasn’t waiting for us at the school gates like she usually is. And that was probably because there were HUNDREDS OF SEAGULLS EVERYWHERE!

  That’s when Jodi turned and looked RIGHT at both me and Zach and said, “This is it. Today is the day.”

  And we both knew that Jodi was right. And that Jodi meant that today was the day the demon dinner ladies were going to ATTACK by poisoning everyone.

  Then when we were crossing the road the lollipop man said, “Where’s the wee lass?” And we knew that he meant Maisie so we said that we didn’t know but that she was probably hiding somewhere inside the school because of all the seagulls.

  And that’s when the lollipop man said, “Aye, I’m not surprised. There’s something not right here. Far too many gulls. Someone’s up to something.”

  Once we got inside the school, Jodi said that Maisie had probably got to school early and gone straight to The Den because she didn’t want to bump into Amy or any of the demon dinner ladies.

  And then Jodi said that it was time to put OPERATION WAR PLAN into action.

  As soon as the demon dinner ladies had left our class the day before, Jodi had explained her plan. And THAT’S when we found out her plan was to knock ALL of the demon dinner ladies’ hats off at lunchtime using the fire hose so that their HORNS would be exposed.

  But I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure there actually WAS a fire hose in the school dinner hall. But Jodi said that there MUST be, in case there’s ever a fire and that it was probably in the kitchen but that we needed to check.

  So we waited until no one was looking and then we sneaked past the school office on our hands and knees so the office ladies wouldn’t see us and then we ran down the corridor to the dinner hall.

  When we got there we saw a HUGE sign outside that said, “MEET THE NEW SCHOOL PIE!”. We crouched down so the dinner ladies wouldn’t see us and peeked through the glass doors into the dinner hall and that’s when we saw that every table had balloons and coloured napkins and there were posters up EVERYWHERE with a picture of a big PIE on them.

  Then Jodi said that she could hear something in the kitchen, and that it was probably the dinner ladies busy making a POISONOUS PIE.

  Then she said, “We need to steal one of those poisonous pies and take it to the police before lunchtime and they’ll do tests on it and then come and arrest all the dinner ladies before they can serve it.”

  But then Zach said that demons could probably BEAT the police because they’re demons. And so that’s when Jodi said that we’d probably have to call the ARMY too and we all agreed, because we didn’t think that the demon dinner ladies would go without a fight.

  And then before we had a chance to get even more scared than we already were, Jodi said, “OK, we’re going in. Three-two-one. GO!”

  And then she dropped to the floor and commando-crawled into the dinner hall and me and Zach followed her.

  Jodi was REALLY FAST at commando-crawling and it took me and Zach AGES to get over to the kitchen doors where she was waiting for us.

  When we got there Zach said, “Oh my goodness. The pie smells DELICIOUS!”

  And he was right. And we knew that the dinner ladies must have made the TASTIEST PIES IN THE WORLD before they put the poison in them so that everyone would definitely eat them and then get poisoned.

  Then Jodi said, “OK. Ready?” and then before we even had a chance to answer she pushed the swing door into the kitchen open and that’s when we saw ALL the demon dinner ladies standing round in a circle and they were talking about SEAGULLS and that’s when I gasped really loudly by mistake and Jodi let go of the swing door and it swung back and hit her on the head and I knew that I had just

  And when the door swung back the other way into the kitchen that’s when we saw ALL the demon dinner ladies marching towards us so we ran out of there at FULL SPEED and we didn’t stop running until we got to The Den.

  When we got to The Den Maisie wasn’t there and that made me panic even MORE because we had no idea where she was.

  I told Jodi and Zach that I was sorry I’d gasped so loud when we were supposed to be spying and stealing a pie. But that I couldn’t help it and that I’d gasped so loud because I’d realised what was going to be IN the POISONING PIE! And I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t realised it before!

  And that’s when I said, “It’s the SEAGULLS. They’re being SUMMONED here by the demon dinner lady! THAT’S what she’s trying to poison everyone with. The surprise is

  Then Zach said that it all made sense. He said that seagulls must be POISONOUS. And that was why people only ate chicken, and other birds like turkey and duck and sometimes even pigeon but that no one EVER ate seagull because it was POISONOUS. And that made perfect sense because you don’t get seagull in any supermarkets or restaurants or anything like that.

  Then Zach said that they were probably going to use WHOLE seagulls because the serving trays the dinner ladies use are quite big which means you could hide a LOT of seagulls in them.

  Then Jodi said, “THAT’S why Amy and her mum have been feeding the seagulls. They’ve been LURING them here and FATTENING THEM UP FOR THE PIE!”

  Then she said, “We’ve got to stop this. We need to tell everyone. THAT’S the NEW PLAN. Come on!”

  So we ran into the corridor and started telling EVERYONE that passed not to eat the pie because it was

  and to tell as many people as they could, even the Year 6s, and EVERYONE believed us because of all the seagulls that had been hanging aroun
d our school that week.

  But then all of a sudden I froze because I heard something.

  And it was a scream.

  Zach gasped and ran out into the playground and me and Jodi ran after him because we all recognised the scream. We’d head that scream a

  times before.

  It was Maisie’s scream!

  We stood in the middle of the playground and looked around. There were seagulls EVERYWHERE! And they were all flapping their wings and screeching so much I had to cover my ears.

  But then I noticed something in the middle of the flock of seagulls. And it was Maisie!

  I could only see her a little bit because the seagulls were in the way but it was DEFINITELY Maisie because I could see her mittens as she waved her arms around.

  So I shouted, “THE DEMON SEAGULLS HAVE GOT MAISIE!” and then I ran towards the MASSIVE flock of seagulls, even though they looked SERIOUSLY SCARY and had beady demony eyes.

  But then the seagulls started to move as we all ran towards them, and I couldn’t see Maisie any more, but then I spotted her shoe on the ground through a gap in the flappy wings and that’s when I realised she must have fainted and was lying on the ground surrounded by DEMON GULLS.

  So I ran as FAST as I could RIGHT towards the seagulls and I waved my arms all over the place and made loads of loud noises and screams to scare them away. And it worked! All the seagulls flew away in a big crowd.