Sins of the Father

by Fleur Beale

  She prayed every day that God would take care of them. She believed that God was faithful, giving her Cherish in fulfilment of a promise made to her in a dream years earlier. Dawn had come back to her – further proof of God’s mercy and faithfulness.

  Sandy/Prayer touched on the disastrous visit in 2002 – as devastating for her as it had been for her children, however, the upsetting things had needed to be said: ‘God never promised peace but a sword and that he would divide asunder to the heart and soul of a man.’ The sight of her daughters had shocked her. They were so worldly, which meant they were ungodly. She wanted her daughters to be Godly women: ‘Gentle and meek, dressed modestly as women of God should be.’

  Yes, the visit had been a disaster for both sides, but the children had to know the danger they were in or their ungodliness would be their downfall. All she could do now was to pray to God for their salvation.

  Prayer/Sandy wrote of her joy in Dawn and her family, and of her prayers that Cherish would grow up as she ought, despite being as headstrong as Justine had been.

  God was real to Sandy/Prayer, whereas the Christianity of those who lived on the outside was powerless. The only proper way to serve God was to live for Him every minute of every day.

  She hoped her letter would help Crystal understand. ‘You were my little sunshine girl who loved to sit in the middle of the lounge with all the … song books around you, singing at the top of your voice.’ She wished she could take the hurt away, go back and start again. But only stories ended in happy ever after.

  ‘We have an enemy called the devil, and he is like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Only when Christ returns and we are taken to heaven will there be happy endings.’

  She ends the letter with a blessing for her daughter, and the hope that Crystal will know the will of God in her life.

  After a year in New Zealand Crystal was homesick for Australia and her father. She returned home and took up her studies again there.

  Contact with the community continues and her lost family keeps reaching out but she, like the others, is wary of their motives. She doesn’t remember Sandy being her mother and has never seen her motherly side during the few contacts they have had, but simply because she is her mother, her occasional forays into Crystal’s life are disturbing.

  She doesn’t see Hopeful as her grandad. To her, he is the man who has wrecked the lives of many of his own children and grandchildren. She’d like to shake some sense into him, make him see what he’s doing, and stop him controlling people and breaking their lives apart.

  Phil and his children will always be connected to Gloriavale whether they like it or not. It’s been a constant part of their lives and of the lives of Phil and Bev’s daughter Jessica and Bev’s son Mitchell. Jess at 11 is glad her dad left because otherwise she wouldn’t have been born. Her religion is extremely important to her and she’s grateful that she has the freedom to choose how to follow God. She’s never been to the community but, because of what she has heard, feels that they have judged her dad harshly, and she knows he wouldn’t do the things they accuse him of. As for being a Cooper: ‘I love being in such a big family and having so many brothers and sisters. It makes life exciting. I’m an auntie now too and I really love that. There isn’t one day that passes that isn’t interesting. It’s great being part of this family.’

  Mitch, at nearly 16, also appreciates belonging to such a large family. ‘The Cooper family is my family and I don’t ever think of myself as an add-on. Sometimes I think about what life might have been like if I wasn’t part of the family, and I’d probably be an only child instead of having all these brothers and sisters. I think I’ve got a broader outlook on life because of all the things we’ve been through and all the experiences we’ve had. It’s been amazing to me to see what Phil has been through. I have respect for him when I hear how he struggled but prevailed after he came to Australia with nothing. In all ways, everything we do is a life-changing experience.’

  But what has it been like for Bev, taking on a family with such a history and such ongoing entanglements?

  ‘Being a part of the Cooper family is like a roller-coaster ride – both good and uncertain. There is always so much happening, and this draws many people into the family. Phil is so full of enthusiasm for life and for helping people. He loves having lots of people around him, which comes from his upbringing in a community and from having a large family himself.

  ‘I like time to myself, and you certainly don’t get that easily in such a big family, so I have struggled to cope with the magnitude of noise, mess and happenings. People often say to me, “You must be an amazing person to take on what you have.” My reply is that I really must have been crazy, because who in their right mind would do this?

  ‘My own family thought I was crazy, but I did it anyway. I knew early on that I was going to find it hard to cope, but by then I had a suspicion I could be pregnant. I remember thinking, If I’m not pregnant, I should run for my life, but if I am, I will stay and make this family work somehow!

  ‘It has been a struggle to be a part of this family, but on the other hand I have grown to love all the Coopers so much. And with the kids already having lost one mother, how could I as a mother figure/friend leave them, too? I just couldn’t do it, even though I was struggling to survive myself.

  ‘It has been hard to watch Phil become more and more like his father. But even with all Phil’s faults (and I have my own also), I have grown to love him so much.’

  CHAPTER NINETEEN: A NEW GENERATION

  We went to see Dawn when she was in hospital in Christchurch. I knew Mum would be there, too, and there was this sense of trepidation about seeing her again. I call it the community feeling, it’s a queasiness and an unrest in your stomach. But I was excited, too, because I hadn’t seen either of them for four or five years. It’s always strange to see them outside their own setting. I don’t think they feel it, but it feels odd to me. ISRAEL

  When Dawn was hospitalised in Christchurch at Easter 2008 because of problems with her second pregnancy, she rang Justine to say she’d love to see her. Justine knew her mother would be at the hospital, too, and she worried about how to greet her. She didn’t think she wanted to hug her; Sandy/Prayer was a stranger.

  Israel and Jess happened to be down in Christchurch with Zion their baby, so they all went to the hospital together which made it easier. Sandy/Prayer hugged Israel, then she hugged Jess and admired baby Zion. Justine sat down with 14-month-old Annabelle on her knee. Her mother didn’t recognise her, which wasn’t surprising since she looked very different from the last time Prayer had seen her. Her hair was longer, there was no nose ring, she wore a dress and glasses, but it felt odd not to be recognised by her own mother.

  Eventually Prayer looked at her and asked, ‘Is that you, Justine?’ She made a comment about how she was all grown up, and things then settled down. Annabelle played with Dawn’s son, Loyal; Dawn introduced her husband Abraham; and Prayer reminisced about what they’d all been like when they were little. It was information Phil hadn’t known or passed on, and it showed a side of their mother that Justine and Israel had seen little of. The visit went well until Prayer began to preach at them when they got up to leave. ‘What kind of a mother would I be,’ she asked, ‘if I didn’t tell you about my religion and how I live?’

  Justine kept her mouth shut. After the last time, when she’d spoken up and been shut down, she knew it wasn’t worth the emotional stress of trying to stand up for her own views. However, Israel, articulate, intelligent and possessing an extensive knowledge of scripture, counteracted with his own views. Their mother didn’t have the support of the community this time and was no match for her son. When she said they should live their lives the way she lived hers, he told her they should live the way Jesus lived his – after all, wasn’t that the way they were all supposed to be living? He found it interesting that she didn’t have an answer.

  In the end, Prayer said she didn’t want to fi
nish on a bad note, but she had needed to let them know how she felt. And that was it, whereas, if she’d been in her own environment, Justine was sure, she would have kept going.

  Justine and Israel were disappointed that Prayer had preached her sermon, but the pay-off of the visit was in seeing Dawn and meeting her husband and son. She was the same as she’d always been; she didn’t deliver a sermon, and she was interested to hear all their news.

  Prayer had seemed pleased to see her grandchildren. She held Zion and let Jess take photos, but Annabelle wouldn’t go to her, maybe because she sensed, as Justine did, that Prayer was holding herself aloof. However when they all said goodbye, Annabelle put both hands flat on her grandmother’s face, and Prayer melted. Her maternal instincts might be buried deep but they were still there.

  The next time Justine visited the hospital, she went by herself with Annabelle. She rang to tell Dawn she was coming and when she walked in, Prayer was just about to leave. She hadn’t known they were coming and her face lit up. She sat back down and for the entire hour of the visit, talked normally. She seemed to have let her guard down and even though Justine suspected her mother was bitter inside, she didn’t say anything negative about Phil and she didn’t preach.

  Justine met more of her extended family during the Easter break. She and Dion had arranged to go wake-boarding at Lake Brunner, but the accommodation there was booked out. Phil’s brother John and his wife Maria put them in touch with Maria’s mother, Toa Honour, who was no longer living in the community but spent a lot of time with her son Perry whose wife Miracle is Phil’s sister. Although still part of the community, Perry and Miracle lived at Lake Brunner, having been given permission to live outside in order to support a teenage son who had been determined to leave. Some inside the community looked down on them because of this, but they had already had two sons leave, go off the rails completely, and end up in jail. If saving this son meant living outside the community, then they would do it. It can’t have been an easy decision. Usually the cost of leaving was excommunication, and Perry held a senior position as business manager. However, perhaps because they weren’t leaving in defiance of Hopeful, he gave his consent for them to live outside and to return to the community each day to work.

  Toa Honour arranged for Justine and Dion to stay in the bach next to Perry and Miracle, and for the whole of Easter, Justine was able to get to know her aunt and cousins. Apart from Toa Honour, they all wore their blue dresses or shirts, but other than that, it was like being with an ordinary family. Justine loved it. All Miracle and Perry’s nine children were there, except for the two eldest who were in prison. The son who wanted to leave was doing well and worked with Perry at the sphagnum moss plant.

  Every day when Miracle got back from the community, Justine would go over to hang out and chat while Annabelle played with her cousins. She learned that her mother was in charge of the community kitchen and that the little girls were scared of her. They said that Prayer was very strict.

  While they were away at Lake Brunner, Dawn’s daughter was born without further complications. They named her Sweetly.

  Justine went to visit Dawn before she left hospital. She arranged to meet her Grandma Naomi at the hospital, but when she got there, Prayer was outside talking to her, and Naomi was crying. Prayer took one look at Justine and demanded to know why she was wearing pants. She wasn’t a man so why was she wearing a man’s clothes? And look at Annabelle. Where was her dress?

  Justine didn’t bother answering.

  Prayer turned to her mother. Why wasn’t Naomi acting like a proper grandmother and telling Justine what she should wear?

  Justine bit her tongue on retorting, See what happens when you don’t have a mother? You wear jeans! It wasn’t worth the hassle. Her mother was completely shut off. This time there was no light in her eyes and no warmth in her manner.

  Prayer hadn’t seen Naomi for five years and Justine wanted to shake her mother. She wanted to yell at her and tell her to look at herself. What was she doing preaching away at her own mother and making her cry?

  Prayer refused to let them go up to the ward to see Dawn because people from the community were up there visiting. Then she added, ‘But Dawn doesn’t really care if you’re there, anyway.’

  Justine knew that wasn’t true because it was Dawn who had rung her. Nevertheless, they went home without seeing the baby or Dawn again. Justine suspected that her mother didn’t want the community people to know of her own contact with Justine and Naomi, or to see her worldly relatives.

  One evening while Dawn was in hospital, Justine got a phone call from Cherish. She spoke as if she knew Justine well. ‘Hi, Justine, it’s Cherish here. I was just wondering if I could see you – I’m coming to Christchurch to see Dawn and I’d really like to see you.’

  Justine wanted to see her, too, but the time of the visit clashed with when Justine cared for pre-schoolers in her home. Cherish said it didn’t matter because she’d be down again, but that turned out to be the day Prayer wouldn’t let Justine and Naomi visit. Justine was disappointed. She’d wanted to meet the sister their mother said was so like her in looks and personality.

  It’s always a balancing act for the Coopers where the community is concerned. Any contact with Prayer could go either way, or be a mix of motherliness and preaching. Her children have all come to an accommodation: she is their mother, but not their mother. They’ve come to realise that they’ll never be able to leave the community behind because those inside keep reaching out to them, or they’ll see them in town in their blue dresses, or there will be a documentary on television.

  There’s always the tension between what the community believes and their own beliefs. Tendy is the only one who no longer goes to church. The others have chosen their spiritual paths of their own free will, something that they value having been able to do. Their mother and sisters haven’t had the chance to choose for themselves; they’ve never had to think about what they believe, they’ve never questioned it or asked if it was right. Once you’re inside the community, as Tendy experienced, you are told what is right and your own opinions and ideas are challenged until you accept the ‘right’ way of thinking. Dawn, as a troubled and very young teenager, wouldn’t have had a hope of standing out against the indoctrination.

  None of them is bitter about what their mother did in abandoning them to return to the community. They know how strong the pull is and Tendy has seen at first hand how deeply they believe in their faith. Their mother is who she is; she has her own beliefs and they have theirs. They accept that they will never agree with her when she tells them the Bible teaches that they should be living the way the community lives. Justine wonders just which Bible the community is reading.

  For Israel, each visit to the community has been something of an emotional ordeal because of the intensity of judgements and accusations fired at visitors. He has found himself dealing with it for weeks afterwards because a lot of what’s said is good and right, which plants a seed of doubt. He knows the dark side, though, and is very aware of how they twist things, so he prefers to stay away.

  In mid 2008, all the family except Phil were sent invitations to attend the biennial concert season, held over three weeks at Gloriavale. Dawn rang Crystal and Andreas, urging them to come and stay on for a few days afterwards. Andreas didn’t want to go. Crystal thought that just going to the concert would be enough. She didn’t promise that she would go, but she would think about it. In the end, only Israel and his family attended. He went with the usual feelings of trepidation, but this visit was a healing one. He and his wife and son stayed the night and spent time with Prayer and Cherish. Like Tendy, he was amazed at how Cherish felt like the sister he’d known all his life. He loved meeting her and was thrilled that she wanted to spend time with him and his family and get to know as much about them as she could.

  The best thing was talking with his mother. Early in the visit, he cleared the air by telling her he wanted her to know that he didn’t hold
anything against her and that he forgave her for leaving them.

  Her answer gave a hint of what her decision had cost her. ‘I know you do, Israel. I only wish all your sisters did.’ She went on to explain and justify her decision until he told her to stop; he accepted what she’d done and her reasons for it. It seems, though, that she is no more at peace with what happened than Phil is. Sandy chose the name Prayer because prayer was all she had left. Praying for her children was all she could do for them.

  Any uneasiness Israel had anticipated diminished and faded entirely as the visit progressed. His mother didn’t lecture him, which allowed him to see her as a person rather than as a community member. He saw the positive side of Gloriavale and almost felt he could live that way because there was so much that appealed. He knew, though, that he would never want to give up the freedom to make his own world, to be able to test himself, make mistakes and learn from them. His mother and Dawn were happy to be where they were, but he was glad Phil had taken him out. He was also pleased that he and Jess had made the effort to visit, and that they were allowed to talk to Prayer without Hopeful hovering over them. His grandfather left them alone for the entire time, perhaps because he was too busy with the concert, at which Oscar-winner Richard Taylor of Weta Workshop was a star attendee. Hopeful had swelled with pride as he introduced him to the audience. It was to Weta Workshop that three members of the community had been sent several years earlier to learn how to construct the props and special effects used in the concerts.