“I know. But how is she? Can I see her?”
He regarded her, and she’d never seen such a distant look in his eyes. “Do you really want to?” he asked.
She frowned. “Of course, I want to.” She paused. “What do you mean, do I really want to?”
“You weren’t here.”
“Well, I know that…” She studied his face. He wasn’t acting like Gabe at all. Was he that worried then? She feared what she would find when she saw Tessie.
“Were you planning to come back?” he asked stiffly.
Honor blanched. He was not talking sense, and the way he looked at her was disturbing. “What do you mean?”
He shook his head. “Nothing. Nothing at all. Come on.”
He led her into a large room portioned off with curtains hanging on chains. Honor slowed her steps, fear filling her. As they went into one of the partitions, she saw Gabe’s father Nathaniel, and Gabe’s brothers. Their faces were solemn, tense.
And then she looked at Tessie, who was staring at her. Honor gave a start. The woman’s stare was sharp and unsettling. Her face was pale, without her usual ruddy red cheeks as she bustled about the house doing her work. One side of her face sagged as if trying to reach the ground first.
“Hello, Tessie,” Honor said around the lump in her throat.
“She can’t talk,” Gabe said behind her.
“Oh… Okay.” Honor reached out and touched Tessie’s hand. It was cold. She swallowed. “I came as soon as I heard,” she said, trying to think of something else to say. Something comforting, encouraging. She could think of nothing. She glanced at Nathaniel, who was watching her with tears in his eyes.
“The doctor says she’ll need a whole lot of physical therapy,” Brandon, Gabe’s second youngest brother, said.
“Oh?”
“They want her to go to a nursing home after the hospital. To recover…” Brandon continued.
“Never,” Nathaniel interjected. “Never. She’ll be coming home.”
“And who will care for her?” Gabe asked sharply.
“We will,” his father snapped.
“While we’re working the fields?” Gabe asked.
“I’ll care for her,” Honor interrupted, looking back and forth between them.
“Nee.” Gabe folded his arms across his chest.
Honor stared wide-eyed at her husband, and Gabe’s father made a strange sound in his throat. An odd silence filled the room. Honor thought she heard a clock ticking somewhere.
Nathaniel shifted in his chair. “Thank you,” he spoke. He looked at his eldest son. “Honor will take care of her.”
Gabe turned on his heel and left the room. Honor gave his father an apologetic look and rushed after him.
“Gabe?” she asked, walking to where he stood by a tall cart of meal trays. “What’s wrong? Why did you say nee? I can care for her. I’m right here.”
He looked at her for a long, long moment. She started to squirm under his gaze. She hadn’t even been gone for twenty-four hours. What had happened—besides his mother’s stroke? Because something had changed. The person standing before her wasn’t the Gabe she knew.
“I misspoke,” he finally said. “Thank you. We can use the help.”
The way he said we put her solidly outside the family. What in the world had happened?
Chapter Sixteen
Gabe felt a coldness in his heart he couldn’t explain. He stared at his wife—his beloved Honor, and felt … cold. And angry. There she was offering to care for his mother and all it did was make him angry. He fidgeted with his suspender. What was wrong with him, anyway? Honor had come back early from her trip, even though he hadn’t thought she would. So, he should be happy and pleased.
He looked at her large hazel eyes, looked at her beautiful features, looked at the worry on her face. Only yesterday, he would have taken her in his arms and held her close. Now, he was itching to get away from her. It made no sense.
“Gabe?”
He cleared his throat. “I said we can use the help.”
She blinked. “I know. Has something else happened?” She reached out to touch his arm and he looked down, staring at her hand. She must have noted his gaze, for her hand froze and then dropped to her side.
“When is she coming home?”
Gabe shrugged. “We don’t know for sure. It’ll be a while I think. Days.”
Honor’s eyes filled with tears, and he clenched his jaw against her.
“Will she ever be able to talk again?”
“She’ll need therapy. I guess the doctors won’t know everything right away.”
Gabe watched her digest the news, and from her expression, he knew she was upset about it. Well, she ought to be. Whether she liked it or not, his mother was her mother-in-law.
“I should go back in,” he said, aware that he’d said I not we. His throat tightened and perversely, he wished she hadn’t come back.
She gazed up at him, looking lost. “Can I come, too? Go back in?”
“Whatever you want,” he answered. He felt a sudden urge to cry. To bow his head and sob. Horrified, he swallowed it back, moving quickly down the hall and into his mother’s room.
His mother’s eyes were closed now, and she looked peaceful, unconcerned. He glanced at his dad who was sitting by her side, holding her hand. All three of his brothers stood awkwardly at the end of the bed.
“We’re going back to the farm,” Brandon told him. “It won’t help Mamm none if the work ain’t done.”
Gabe nodded. “I should go, too.”
Honor was at the curtain now. “I’ll go back with you,” she said, her voice hesitant. She looked at Nathaniel. “Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of everything at the house.”
He nodded.
“Let’s go,” Evan, Gabe’s youngest brother, said, and they followed him out of the room.
* * *
Honor sat stiffly beside Gabe in the buggy. The boys were crammed into the back. Everyone seemed lost in their thoughts as no one spoke. The only noise was the clip clop of Aspen and the jangle of the harness. Honor held her suitcase on her lap. She still clutched the food her mother had sent. She scowled, wishing she’d left the food with Nathaniel.
They turned into the farm’s drive, and everyone got out.
“I’ll see to Aspen,” Evan said.
“I’ll help you,” Brandon added.
Roger was already unbuckling the leather straps.
“I-I’ll put my suitcase in the daadi haus,” Honor said.
Gabe looked at her and then took the suitcase from her. “I’ll carry it for you.”
Honor walked quickly to keep up with him as he circled the big house.
“My parents are doing fine,” she said, hoping to break the uncomfortable silence between them.
“That’s gut,” Gabe responded. “I’m glad for them.”
His words were normal enough, but there was something about his tone. She thought she heard anger, but she didn’t know why. He hadn’t been angry at her when she’d left the day before. Had he? Or had she been so consumed with herself that she hadn’t even noticed?
The thought was sobering.
“I thought that maybe they’d change their minds,” Honor added as they walked into the daadi haus.
Gabe set her suitcase on the floor and turned to her. “Did you?”
“J-jah.”
“You went to Baker’s Corner, hoping your folks would change their minds? Hoping to what…? Bring them back with you?”
His voice punched the air.
“Well … nee. I’m not sure. Maybe a little…” Honor frowned. Mostly, she’d just wanted to get away when she’d left. But she could hardly say that.
“People make decisions, Honor. And then it’s too late. Too late to go back on them.”
Her breath caught in her throat. Was he talking about her parents or her? She pressed her lips together. She deserved this, she did. She hadn’t been a good wife to him. She’d known all along tha
t he deserved something better. Someone better. Was that what this was all about? Had he finally realized how she’d been holding back her heart all this time?
She cringed. But now… Couldn’t he see that something had happened to her, too? Couldn’t he see the love in her eyes? Couldn’t he see that things were different now?
He gave a heavy sigh. “I’ll be in the fields.”
“Gabe, wait,” she said quickly before he was out the door.
He hesitated and turned toward her. “What?”
I love you, she wanted to say. I love you. She opened her mouth, but the look in his eyes was so hard, so unfeeling, that the words wouldn’t come out. She hesitated.
“What?” he repeated.
“I-I… I’ll have the noon meal ready soon.” She clamped her mouth shut, fighting tears.
“Fine,” he said and left the house.
She stared at the door where he’d been. Why hadn’t she said it? Why had her voice deserted her? She drew in a shaky breath. She’d never told him she loved him. What kind of wife was she?
“A horrible one,” she muttered aloud. “A horrible, horrible, one.”
She picked up her suitcase and took it to their bedroom. The bed was mussed, the quilt twisted on the mattress. She straightened it and finished making the bed. It didn’t take long for her to put all her things from the suitcase away. And then, she put on a fresh apron and walked back to the front door, leaving the daadi haus.
It was odd being in Tessie’s kitchen without Tessie. But Honor knew where everything was, having helped with meals plenty of times over the past weeks. She easily found the ingredients to put together a decent enough noon meal. It was going on one o’clock, though, before it was ready.
She walked out the side door and headed for the fields. She stood at the edge of the tilled soil and sheltered her eyes from the sun. There they were, all four of them, in the southern corner of the Chupp land. She raised her arm and waved, hoping one of them would spot her, but they continued their work without pause. She waved again, more animatedly now. She must have waved for a full two minutes before one of them waved back—Brandon, she thought, but she couldn’t be sure as they were quite a way out there.
She watched as they all began tromping through the fields toward her. She went back inside then, and poured milk into all their glasses. Minutes later, they came in through the side door, stopping to wash up at the sink.
They all sat, and Gabe led them in silent prayer. When he cleared his throat a minute or so later, they all looked up, ready to eat.
During the meal, Honor stayed busy passing the serving dishes around the table, but the absence of both Tessie and Nathaniel was starkly felt.
Roger, the more talkative of the brothers, worked valiantly to keep the conversation going. It wasn’t too difficult once he started talking about the crops. Honor listened in, but mainly, she watched her husband. She watched his every expression, noting his distraction. He participated in the discussion, but he was obviously pre-occupied. She imagined he was thinking of his mother. His eyes never met hers. Not once. At first, she hardly noticed, but by the end of the meal, it was painfully clear. He was avoiding looking at her.
She tried to eat, but mainly she pushed her food from one side of her plate to the other. Her stomach felt like it had a brick of cement in it. She couldn’t understand what had changed so drastically. Inwardly, she moaned at the bitter irony of it. Had she just realized she loved her husband at the same time he realized he didn’t love her?
“We’re going to have to step things up around here,” Gabe told his brothers. “I know we want to spend time at the hospital with Mamm.”
“At least for the next few days,” Brandon agreed. “Then, she’ll be home.”
Brandon looked at Honor and gave her an appreciative smile. Honor gave him a wobbly smile back.
“So, we ready?” Gabe asked, standing.
“Let’s go,” Roger said. He grabbed a piece of thick bread to take with him. “We can head back to the hospital late this afternoon.”
Honor remained seated until they all left. When the side door slammed shut, she took a long, slow breath and then stood to begin clearing the table. She picked up the bowl of mashed potatoes and then nearly dropped it when Gabe stepped back into the room.
“Gabe!” she cried. “I thought you’d left.”
“I sent them out ahead of me.” His eyes were intense, and his expression was stiff.
“Did you… Did you not get enough to eat?” She faltered.
“I got plenty.” He took a step closer. “I imagine you weren’t happy to be called away from your folks.”
She set down the bowl of potatoes. “Ach… Nee, that’s not true. I was glad to come. I was worried about your mamm.”
“You could have stayed.”
She walked around the table until she stood in front of him. “Stayed? Why would I have stayed? I’m needed here…”
He slowly inclined his head. “You are needed here,” he said slowly.
“I-I want to help. However I can.”
“I see.” He rubbed his chin and smoothed down his short beard.
“You thought I’d stay in Baker’s Corner? Not even come home to see about your mamm?”
He seemed to come alive then. “Jah, I did, Honor. Why wouldn’t I think that? You clearly don’t like living here. You clearly wish you’d never married me.”
The words rushed forward in a flood that nearly knocked Honor back. She shook her head, and tears sprang to her eyes. “Why do you say that?” she choked out. But she knew why. Oh, she knew why.
His eyes narrowed, and he shook his head slowly from side to side. “Do you take me for a fool?”
A trembling started in her gut and moved through her, making her weak. She moved back until she felt the bench behind her legs, stabilizing her. She gulped in air. “I don’t think you’re a fool, Gabe.”
He sighed heavily. “Look. What’s done is done. I’m sorry, Honor. I’m sorry that I’ve been such a disappointment to you as a husband. I had hoped—”
“Nee,” she cried. “You’re not a disappointment. Where is all this coming from? I love you, Gabe.”
There. She’d said it out loud. The words tumbled from her mouth, and she was glad. She’d said it. Finally.
He went still. So still that Honor wondered whether he was still breathing. She waited for his smile then. That huge smile that took over his entire face. The smile that she used to dislike but had now come to appreciate. No one smiled like Gabe. No one’s smile registered so much joy as Gabe’s. But his smile didn’t come. In fact, he looked completely unmoved.
“Gabe?”
“I heard you, Honor. I’ve waited for weeks to hear those words. Months, in fact, if you count our short courtship.” He shook his head, and the sadness on his face nearly made her crumple. “But like I said. I’m not a fool. We’re in crisis here. If I believe the doctors, we’re going to be in crisis for some time…” His voice faded.
What did he mean? What connection was he making? Honor’s forehead creased. “But—”
He held up his hand to stop her. “Your declaration of love is on the heels of that. You’re feeling sorry for me, well, likely for the whole family. I’m not a charity case. You don’t have to declare a love you don’t feel and have never felt to make me feel better. Because it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse.”
Her mouth opened. Since when had Gabe become so acrid? He wasn’t like this.
“I don’t think you’re a charity case, Gabe.” Her brow furrowed even further. “I meant what I said.”
He blew out his breath. “Right. Okay.”
“Truly,” she said, reaching out. But her hand hung in the air. He stared at it and stepped back. She sucked in her breath.
“I need to go out to my brothers. We’ll be heading to the hospital around four-thirty. You don’t have to go.”
She stared at him, and her arm dropped to her side.
And then he
left her. Walked out of the room and out of the house. Honor pivoted to face the table.
But she could barely see it through her tears.
* * *
Gabe stalked out to the field. He was angry. He’d been angry all day, and it felt foreign, uncomfortable. He didn’t consider himself an angry person, and it was a bit humiliating to realize that maybe he was. He shook his head in disgust. Not only disgust for himself, but disgust for Honor.
He’d finally heard them. The three words he’d been craving to hear for weeks. So many times, he’d imagined the day when Honor would first tell him she loved him. He imagined holding her tightly—even scooping her up in his arms and cradling her to his chest. He’d imagined laughing with her and kissing her and cuddling together—dreaming about their happy future.
But now?
Well, she’d finally said it, and he’d stomped off. Because she hadn’t meant it. He was sure of it. She was just feeling sorry for him, or maybe she felt guilty. He wondered why she’d even married him. He had doubted his luck in winning her since the very beginning. Now he realized he hadn’t won her at all.
He came to an abrupt stop in the middle of the fields. Why had she married him?
His anger mounting, he turned back toward the house. He had to know. And he had to know now. He was sick of second-guessing everything. Sick of second-guessing her. He stalked back to the house determined to know the truth. Determined to find out why Honor had married him in the first place.
He threw open the side door and stormed inside. He stalked into the dining area. No doubt hearing his entrance, Honor dashed out of the kitchen with a dish towel in her hand.
“What is—” She stopped cold and a look of fear covered her face.
He stared at her and shame clenched at his chest. What was he doing? Had he gone completely out of control? He forced his breathing to slow, forced himself to pause. His heart pounded in his ears and for a split second, a blackness pushed around the edges of his vision. He closed his eyes until he gained some semblance of calm. Then he opened them again, still determined to have it out with her, but without such wrath.
Honor's Wedding (Hollybrook Amish Romance) Page 8