Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  “Are you a mirage?” he asked softly.

  “Are you stuck in a desert, dying of thirst?” And if his answer was yes, I would most certainly be his mirage.

  “I’m stuck in this apartment, missing you beyond belief,” he said, and stood from the chair to come toward me.

  “Silly, Julius, I’m right here.”

  “I need you right here,” he said, and pulled me against his body as his lips came to mine.

  He smelled like sweat and tasted salty, and his hair was a bit damp, obviously coming from the gym. I didn’t mind, he was a man, naturally beautiful, and he didn’t need to be anything else for me. He kept kissing me as he pulled me into the room and kicked the door closed. We both grunted and groaned as we continued kissing and removed our clothing. I didn’t see a bed when I was watching him, but sex on his desk was not the same as sex on a kitchen table.

  He had a different idea and sat back in his chair, bringing me with him. He pulled a lever and it reclined back. He pushed a handle and it slowly lowered until my feet were resting comfortably on the floor as I straddled him. I loved this chair.

  I lay back on his lap as he bent over and kissed my torso, while finding my most sensitive spot with his hand. I could feel him in my back and brought my hands around to hold him, moving aggressively until he fell back into the chair and yelled an expletive loudly. Oh yeah, Jen was at the restaurant on the corner, we were going to have to talk about that. But wait, what was he doing… oh heavens… he better never stop.

  “Julius,” I panted as I tried to stay conscious. “Julius,” I said loudly. “Julius, AH, …” I screamed until I lost all vocal ability.

  I sat up and collapsed onto him, causing the chair to tip backward and hit the floor, sending me toppling forward and landing precariously on his face. There was no way to make the move sexy, purposeful, or even oddly fortuitous. I just whacked my boyfriend in the face with my crotch, for all I knew I just killed him. How would a coroner explain it in his report: Death by labia to the temple?

  Then a worse scenario hit me, what if I hadn’t killed him? I was going to have to look at him, and talk to him, with the imprint of my vagina on his face. I wanted him to crush my skull with his testicles; it would only be fair.

  “Did you hear me?” he asked.

  Dang it, Tobi, get off his face, I screamed in my mind. I rolled to the side and grabbed my clothes, which would be burned for what they had witnessed.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, and I really hated Alice-in-Wonderland. She should have shared that dang shrinking juice. I continued to pull clothing onto my body and he reached out to stop me when I pulled both of my legs into the one side of his boxers. “Hey, look at me,” he said with a laugh. I buried my face in the material I had in my hands until he pried them loose and said, “Um…I wore these to the gym.”

  “Good,” I yelled, “We’re even.” I would happily cover myself in his butt sweat, after what I just did to him.

  “We’re going to have to practice that move,” he said with a chuckle, and I didn’t like him teasing me about something so humiliating. Julius didn’t seem embarrassed… of course not; it was my lack of coordination that caused the whole chair incident.

  I returned to a slower attempt at dressing and he stood and held out his hand for mine, “Let’s take a shower.” I’m sure he meant it innocently, but my mind heard him say, “I have to get the smell of your womanly essence the heck off my face.”

  “Julius,” I said without looking at him, “Please, just let me go home.”

  This time he pulled me to my feet and had to grab me by the hair to raise my head. I kept my eyes closed and he kissed me, passionately, aggressively, thoroughly, until my traitorous arms wrapped around his waist and squeezed.

  He backed up and took my hand to lead me through a side door and into a bathroom. A door on the other end of the room opened into his bedroom, so at least we didn’t have to run through the apartment with our hands over our unmentionables. He turned on the spray and I removed my skewed blouse and stepped in behind him. I expected him to grab the soap and scrub his face harshly, but he pulled me under the shower head and returned to our kissing. I ran my hands over his wet body and trailed kisses over his shoulders which had lost their salty taste.

  “Tobi, I don’t want you to be embarrassed. You’re always safe with me and it really wasn’t that bad, the chair tipped, big deal,” he said, to make it seem like nothing.

  He held my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him to see there wasn’t a vagina mark on his face. I looked in his eyes and felt my body relax, and even swoon a bit. Water was dripping down his nose and on to his lips where his tongue darted out and pushed it away.

  We were having a moment, wet, staring into each other’s eyes, and he took advantage of it and said very softly, “I think I’m falling in love with you, Tobi Wilson.”

  There were fifty-seven responses that would have worked, I know, because I listed them all. I heard what he said, I was listening, really, I was. A gorgeous, sexy man, who wasn’t a serial killer, was standing naked in my arms professing his love for me. Susan would kill to be in my shoes and Kevin would kill to be on Julius’s face. But, I’m not a square, I’m a squiggle and the world doesn’t work the same for me as it does for others.

  I opened my mouth, which should have contained the words, “I already fell in love with you, Julius Carmichael.” It would have been perfect. But other words came out. “Travis and Sara had sex on your kitchen table.”

  What is wrong with me?

  Chapter 4

  I blame Amos; the abundance of his stupidity had spilled from his massive body and crawled surreptitiously into my head as I slept. I wanted to run, but it is difficult when you must dry off, dress, tie shoes, find keys, ignore couple on table, and finally run. Julius tried to cover. He grabbed the shampoo and began cleaning his body, most likely wanting to scrub his mouth for saying something so revealing to the stupid, naked girl in his shower. I hummed a song, my high school fight song, which I would never be caught humming in high school, but right now it was very soothing and filled the silence.

  “I’ll be in my room,” Julius said, and climbed from the shower.

  I used his absence to clean my personal places, just in case I happened to fall down the stairs, ripping my pants and underwear from my body and landing spread eagle on the mailman. I wanted him thinking, Irish Spring, not, Penicillin.

  I dried off and put my poor abused clothing back on, noting what a long day it had been, and told Julius I had to go meet Claire. I looked at the floor as I walked, in case Travis was setting the table with Sara as the serving tray. I walked down the stairs and not once wanted to know how to tap. My mood was despondent as I drove home. When my phone rang; certain it was Julius taking back his shower words, I answered and felt a whole other revulsion.

  “S ‘up, Tobi,” a familiar voice said. It hadn’t changed at all in the last five years, and I realized he hadn’t matured either. Jack actually used the word ‘S ‘up’ as if he was still sixteen.

  “It’s about time you called,” I said, sounding desperate or something. He gave me a knowing chuckle that curled my toes… and not in a good way. “Remember Jennifer ‘sand crab’ Staple? You know, the one you screwed while professing to love me?”

  “It’s been years, you still pulling that lame excuse around?”

  It made me wonder if all high school guys felt it was their duty to cheat when offered a chance. We weren’t married; we weren’t even sleeping together, so maybe I owed it to him. No, he was wrong, and I knew it. “That excuse is securely hooked to my proverbial wagon,” I stated proudly. “I need your help in getting even.”

  “You want to get even with her for sleeping with me?” he asked, and I laughed quite loudly. Did I want to get even with her for sleeping with Jack? Hum… did I? I’m positive my need for revenge was for Julius.

  “If we do this right, you’ll get to sleep with her again,” I offered, knowing it
wasn’t really something unattainable. A simple text could get Jen spread eagle on her back.

  “I’m assuming you’ll want pictures or a video,” he said, and I liked the way his mind worked. He must be called on to do things like this a lot.

  “Video with sound would be worth extra,” I bargained. “Act like we are back together, play along and she’ll pretty much do whatever you ask.” What a redundant statement I just made. I think the name Jenifer means, anyone at any time, in Greek.

  “And what do I need to get her to say?” he asked. Jack was the perfect partner in crime. He was using his brain and I was just sure he only thought with his dangler.

  “Get her to admit to cheating during her marriage, it should be easy, like her,” I chuckled at my own cleverness.

  “Text me her number and I’ll see what I can do,” he said with a sigh. I wasn’t buying it for a moment. I knew he was already getting excited at the thought of scoring with California’s leading scorer. “You’ll be hearing from me,” he said, and hung up without waiting for me to say goodbye. I’m sure he does other things without waiting for the woman, too.

  Now I had to get Jen in on the operation. This was going to take large amounts of antacids and one heck of an acting job. I got onto Facebook and sent her a message to call me, leaving my cell phone number. Just knowing she was going to dial it with her fingers made me determined to change the number after talking to her. I tried not to think about where else her fingers had been, but I had witnessed firsthand what a thorough cleansing job Julius does in the shower, so it didn’t gross me out too much.

  I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t hear from her right away. I mean, the restaurant was full of men and she can only work so fast. It was almost two in the morning when she called, most likely thinking I was with Julius. “What do you want?” she said hatefully.

  “Wow, you must say that a lot,” I replied.

  “Did you see my Facebook?” she asked with a smirk.

  “I tried, but there was the usual traffic jam, you weren’t showing off your tits again, were you?” I had to admit they were looking extra perky, a possible lift or maybe she began wearing bras again. The wear and tear alone should have them to her knees by now.

  “You better stay away from my husband,” she demanded, making me bite my lip to remain quiet.

  “That is old news, you can have him,” I finally managed to say. “But I’m warning you, Jack and I are trying to make it work this time, so you better stay away from him.” I stunned her into silence, or else she was already calling Jack on another phone. “If you lay a single diseased finger on him, I’ll hurt you this time.”

  I could tell the wheels were turning in her head, well, she actually only had two wheels, one to spread her legs and one to open her mouth. She already had Jack oiled up and going down. I felt a bit dirty, like I was finding men for her to do. I had become Jennifer Staple’s pimp and there wasn’t soap strong enough to clean away that filth.

  The next morning, I got up and headed to the kitchen. I was feeling sad with how things were left with Julius, so I planned on eating large amounts of chocolate chip pancakes. I saw Am-ass sitting in front of the television, so I changed to a yogurt, knowing he wouldn’t ask for any.

  He looked over to watch me sit at the table and then rose to join me. I shot my hand out to the spot next to me to block it. “Why are you sitting?” I asked harshly.

  “I need to talk to you about Claire,” he said sadly.

  “Where is she?” I asked, as my heartbeat began to race. I looked around the room for her and Amless took advantage of my distraction to sit.

  “She went for a walk,” he said, and I realized he didn’t ask for any food. The human trash compactor wasn’t eating so I knew something big was going on. He was going to ruin breakfast by whatever it was he needed to talk about, but then it dawned on me that it was Amos. I could eat and talk at the same time in front of him, so I took a big bite.

  “Did you hear me?” he asked.

  “I’wm nowt goo at listnin,” I replied with a mouthful of yogurt.

  “I said, Claire might be pregnant,” he repeated, and let his cheek rest in the palm of his hand.

  “And, she’s leaving you for the father?” I smirked.

  “It isn’t funny, Toto.”

  “What’s the big deal, get married, or live together,” I suggested.

  “I asked her father once; he told me when hell freezes over.”

  I chuckled and suddenly had much more respect for Mr. Bicknell. He was a driven S.O.B. who valued material things and felt Claire’s only marketable quality was her beauty. But, he shot down Amos, so he shot up in my book.

  “So how did the big blunder happen?” I asked him.

  “Claire isn’t very dedicated to taking her pills. I think she knew it was the only way we could be together and did it on purpose.”

  My eyes bugged out. I heard his words, but I couldn’t comprehend them. Claire purposely wanted to be with Amos? For life? Like, everyday? Then I realized he used the word ‘dedicated’ and was most likely having a headache now.

  “Look, you two are adults; Claire is a mature, intelligent….” I wondered if he realized I only said Claire here “… modern woman. If she wants to be with you, it is her choice, not her father’s.”

  “But look at me, Tobi,” Hum…he called me Tobi, nice. “I work in a warehouse; I can’t take care of a wife and kid.”

  “There is nothing wrong with working in a warehouse, Amos. People get too worked up over stuff, and most stuff is crap. Claire was raised with a lot of stuff and she wants you. I admire her for it.”

  As much as I despised the man, Claire chose him over the self-obsessed men who constantly wanted to use her for arm candy. I liked how down to earth she was when she could have easily been a snob.

  Amos changed the subject and said, “When I was in the military I ….”

  “Hold up,” I yelled. “You were in the military?”

  “Shit, Toto, don’t you ever listen?”

  I really needed to start listening; a slew of G.I. Joe jokes had been missed due to my lack of attention. Now I understood his macho, Rambo tendencies so much better. The fact our nations safety rested in Amos’ hands scared me senseless, but the guy answered the call to duty, so I had to give him props. “What did you do in the military?” I asked.

  “I was an M.P. I want to be a cop, but most cities are budget strapped and nobody is hiring.”

  I dropped my spoon and exclaimed, “Dude, you only need a string pulled, and I am the holder of all loose ends.” I said it as if he was stupid for missing the connections I had, because man, was he stupid for missing the connections I had.

  “Are you talking about tampons?” he asked with a furrowed brow, demonstrating why I found him to be the dumbest man alive.

  “Yes, Amos, I am. May I talk to my mother, who happens to be the mayor of Cartwright, about removing your tampon?”

  “You mean a job?” he asked, and his eyes lit up as he sat up straight. “You would do that?”

  “It would get you three hours from my house, of course I would do that,” I laughed.

  Heck, I would pack him myself if needs be. I could spend all my time with Julius and Claire. I would help care for her baby and be the crazy Aunt Tobi every child needs. I grabbed my phone and left the room to talk to my mom. I actually gave Amos a glowing recommendation and my mother promised to see what she could do. When I returned he was gone, but Claire was sitting on the couch and refused to look at me.

  I walked over and sat next to her. Without turning her head, she said, “Don’t talk to me.” Fine, I wouldn’t talk. I leaned closer and held up my middle finger until she acknowledged me. “I’m so angry at you, Tobi.”

  Why in the world would she be angry at me? I didn’t knock her up and I wasn’t the one sleeping with Shrek. The thought sent shivers down my spine. “I thought I would be the Godmother,” I said, and crossed my arms to show my own anger.

&nb
sp; “I’m not pregnant, Amos is just so stupid,” she said with tears.

  “No argument here,” I mumbled. I’m pretty sure the name Amos means, brain dead, in Greek.

  “Why would you help him get hired? I don’t want him to be a police officer, it’s dangerous,” she yelled at me.

  “Dangerous in Cartwright, oh please. The only crimes are the fights that erupt outside of Jennifer’s house when she visits; men hate to stand in line.”

  “He’ll be so far away,” she pointed out, and I had to think of dead baby kittens to keep from smiling.

  “Claire, he’ll have a career and be able to pay child support. I bet your father won’t be so adamant to get rid of him.” I was speaking the truth, but my motivation was the ‘so far away’ part. She finally relaxed a little and we spent the rest of the day free from any baby talk, or her pregnancy.

  The weekend passed slowly, and I got a text from Julius saying he was working with lawyers at his father’s home. I think he was actually still stinging over my lack of love admission, or the undesirable use of my hoo-hoo to knock some sense into him. I was anxious to get back to work, until Sunday night I dreamed of Kevin, like me and Kev together, intimately. My pillow would now have to be burned.

  Monday morning, I was too disturbed to eat breakfast, so I stopped for a cup of coffee before heading into work. It was getting more difficult to face Julius. I was afraid by the end of the week I would most likely ask to transfer to another department; I wonder what department I work in now?

  I walked slowly down the aisle and saw Julius already at his desk. Then I saw Kevin and raised my hand next to my face to stop my eyes from seeing what I saw in my dream. That darn Susan was standing in her cube and looking right at the man who was falling in love with me. I stopped and stared over her half wall. “What are you looking at, Sues?” Her eyes darted around, and she gave a weird sound that I think was a chuckle. I shook my finger to give her a nonverbal warning and then walked away.