Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  I finally made it to my cube and had the awkward moment of what to do first. Should I turn on my computer and then go talk to Julius, or make him the priority? Would it make up for the lack of pronouncement of my love, or would it be only drawing more attention to it?

  “Did you hear me?” he asked loudly.

  “Why do I do that?” I whined, and realized it was coming out of my mouth and not only said in my head.

  “Do what?” he asked.

  “I think it’s because I’m an only child and I’m used to having conversations with myself,” I announced, believing I figured it all out. I wasn’t really talking to Julius, but more to my own soul and having a heart-to-heart talk with myself.

  Julius looked over at my cube and said, “I thought you had two sisters?”

  Again, plenty of responses I could have used all rolling around in my head, and I go for, “Kevin thinks you want him.”

  His head turned to see Kevin’s eyes poking over the wall and he swallowed as his hands moved protectively in front of his crotch. His phone rang, and I quickly sat to be out of his line of sight. I felt like I betrayed my friend, or I just got two guys together, I wasn’t sure which one.

  I was being quite productive when I got an email from across the aisle. I want to take you on a date. Dinner, movie, an actual date, what do you think?

  What did he mean? Was he really saying he wanted to make sure my vagina couldn’t be used as a weapon and there was no danger of talking from his heart if we were in public? Or, did he want to take me out and act like a real couple?

  I hit reply and typed: You know when you open a birthday present and it is the exact thing you wanted? You didn’t ask for it because it didn’t occur to you, but it is just so perfect, and your birthday would have been ruined without it. You’re my perfect present.

  I hit send and a moment later he stood and came across the aisle, into my cube, bending onto his knees and held my face in his hands. “You are so weird, so beautiful, you make me laugh, and you do things to my body I’ve never experienced before. I have no idea what you mean most of the time, but I never want to be without you again. You’re my perfect present.”

  “I don’t really have sisters,” I blurted out. Tears began to form in my eyes because this whole thing was so dang romantic, and I was certain Folgers would be making a Christmas commercial of this very moment.

  “Shut up, Tobi,” he said, and kissed me.

  I hoped Kevin wasn’t watching and Susan was. When he pulled away and walked back to his cube I whimpered, and my hand reached out to follow him. Until I heard someone clear his throat and I looked up to see Sara’s god staring down at me.

  “What?” I asked and wondered if he had been talking and I missed it.

  “I just wanted to say, thanks,” he said softly.

  “Sure about that? I mean, I’m from the north.”

  “I’ll look past it,” he said with a sly smile, and I suddenly didn’t find his eyes so freaky. “But Tobi, keep your personal life off company time.” He went right on back to freaky-eyed boss. He ruined my buzz and I resented him for it.

  When lunch came, it was the first time me and Julius would be in the cafeteria at the same time after hooking up. It was fraught with symbolism and subconscious declarations. Should we sit at a table alone or find a crowded table and try to blend in? He would probably be comfortable with Travis around, but Travis would never sit with us peons. And then there was scary Amos to consider.

  “Tobi, over here,” Sara called out. She was sitting across from Travis at a middle table. Ah, he came down a bit and she moved up a bit, but it didn’t stop the flashing arrow from forming over their heads. I walked over with my tray and sat next to Sara as Julius sat next to Travis. It was all so junior high.

  When Claire saw me, she came to our table with a confused look on her face, not quite sure what to do. Amos rushed right over and grabbed a carrot stick off my plate, and it hadn’t been in the garbage, so it made me mad. “Stop eating my food, you Neanderthal.”

  “I meet with your mom this weekend,” he announced, and the table got quiet. “She’s going to introduce me to the police chief.”

  I wasn’t aware my mother had contacted him already. I suddenly became very afraid. “Don’t mention a WORD about me, understand, Fezzik?” I warned him, but knew it was a lost cause. I could only imagine the inappropriate things he could tell my folks. They would be true, but inappropriate all the same.

  “What are Tobi’s parents like?” Julius asked.

  I could appreciate his curiosity, but it wasn’t like I was asking about his family… or wife. He needed to worry about his father finding out about us, not mine. Mine knew him as the married man I diddled and ended up on Facebook. You would think that fact alone would curb his curiosity.

  Claire laughed, and I pushed her tray away from me, so she would have to move her chair. “Toto is four-years-old in their minds,” she said to bug me. “She never has sex and spends her free time making rosaries for convents.”

  “You’re wrong. They know I have sex, I’m not Catholic, and I stopped being four when I moved to San Francisco.”

  “Oh yeah,” Amos said, sounding like neener-neener, would be his next words, “so why do I need to be quiet about you dragging this guy to your bed?” He pointed at Julius.

  I gasped and looked around the room to see if we had any stray listeners. “We talked about work stuff,” I said loudly, as if people always took coworkers to their bed to discuss the job.

  Amos pounded on the table and moaned as he imitated Julius. “So freaking wet, take my hard…”

  I grabbed my carrots and threw them at him as my face turned scarlet. I couldn’t look at you know who. I was dying of humiliation and prayed you know who didn’t bring up the chair incident.

  “Sorry,” You know who said aloud to the group, “She gets me hot, what can I say?”

  Ah, he said sorry, and then said I get him hot. I looked over at him with just my eyes and he smiled and put his feet on top of mine. I glanced at the clock and noticed he did the same, wondering if there was enough time to run to the car. I looked at my pants that wouldn’t morph into a skirt and planned to punish them.

  The conversation turned to the goal party. Everyone but me seemed excited about a luau. I felt it was the most cliché party of all. We didn’t need coconut bras and pupu platters to have a successful party. It isn’t about the decorations; it is about the state of mind of the attendees. My mind could party like crazy, but unfortunately squares needed a theme.

  “Don’t let Toto bring food,” Claire demanded, and I gasped in pretend offense. I knew I wouldn’t bring what I had been assigned, but I wouldn’t be so rude as to show up empty handed. I had manners, they were just squiggle manners.

  “Are you going to sign up for fruit or cookies?” Sara asked.

  “You have to be more specific,” Claire butted in before I could answer. “Assign her a specific fruit and don’t even mention cookies.”

  “I swear I will bring a fruit and cookies, man Claire, take a pill,” I said, to make a super deep dig at her.

  Amos looked away as he tried not to laugh. Claire grabbed her tray and walked off. I hated acting mean to Claire, but I was trying to snare a really great guy and I didn’t need her tossing my proclivity for bringing unusual snacks into the mix.

  “She’s defensive of fruit,” Julius said and we all laughed.

  When lunch was over we headed back to our department. Julius and I took the stairs and he stopped one step behind me and held onto my pants loop. I looked down at him and smiled at just how beautiful he was. “About tonight, will you go out with me?”

  He didn’t need to ask. I would rob old ladies with him if he wanted. I put my arms around his neck and placed my forehead against his. “I would love to go out with you, but are you sure it is okay?”

  “Yes,” he said in just a whisper. “But, I can’t take you to my bed or come to your place afterwards.”

&nb
sp; I sure hoped he planned on doing something in the car because it would be too difficult to keep my hands off him all night. It was another reminder about how much of a whore I was for a squiggle pen. I moved to kiss him and hated the idea of it only being noon. He pulled me into his arms and I wrapped one of my legs around his waist. His body turned to place me against the wall and our kissing escalated quickly. I attached my hands firmly to his firm butt, as he attached his firmly to both of my firm breasts.

  The door opened, and we broke apart just a second too late, looking up to see William Carmichael staring angrily at us. You know that look parents get when they are so disappointed, not that an action was out of character, but they hoped they wouldn’t have to witness it? Mr. Carmichael had that look, and so did the lawyer, and the secretary, and some other middle-aged man who was trailing after them. I wanted to point out that at least we were clothed, and I was not sitting on his son’s face, but this time I thought before speaking.

  Nobody said anything, and I know because I was listening. If only I could tap dance! I finally took a step up… very slowly… and it broke the trance we had somehow induced. Mr. Carmichael looked directly at Julius and said, “Son,” Good sign, he was still claiming him, “Come with me.”

  The adults, who were able to refrain from fondling each other, marched up the stairs loudly without any rhythm as I kept my head lowered in shame. I should have asked Jen how she handled getting caught groping, surely, she could teach a class on it.

  “Shit,” Julius said under his breath, and I hoped his father didn’t hear and order the secretary to wash his mouth out with soap, because come on; he’s had a lot worse things in his mouth. He finally looked at me and said, “Go back to work; I’ll let you know what happens.”

  “Should I come with you?” I asked, but only to show I was sensitive to his pain, not to actually go with him. He hesitated, and I was about to give Kevin his home address and tell him Julius wanted him waiting in bed. Did he seriously expect me to face his daddy with hand prints on my breasts?

  “No, I’ll handle this,” he finally said, and I sighed at what an amazing guy I had.

  “Okay, bye,” I said, and ran to my floor as he took each step methodically toward his father’s office.

  I rushed into my cube before Travis began his Gestapo rounds and got right to work. It was two hours later when someone walked into Julius’ cube. I looked up, expecting to see Mr. Wonderful, but some freak with long auburn hair was unloading a box of personal items.

  “Hey,” I protested too loudly, and jumped up to stop whatever was going on from going on. “That cube is taken.”

  “Yeah, by me,” he said, with a voice that sounded nothing like Oreo cookies dipped in milk. Kevin rushed forward to aid me in the prevention of this jerk-face from setting up shop. Susan began moving forward too, but I turned and held up a rubber band, so she ran back to her own square.

  “Julius sits here,” I said, and Kevin nodded emphatically.

  “No, junior is working with the developers now and I’ve been promoted to ordering.”

  Julius worked on ordering? And the company has developers?

  “Hello?” he said and snapped his fingers in front of my face like I was a dog, like Sammy. I wish Sammy was still alive; he was such a good fake dog when I shared dog stories with the dog lovers in the cafeteria. Oh, yeah, the interloper, I need to focus.

  “What?” I asked and tried to sound threatening.

  “My name is Kurt, and you are?”

  “Not a friend of Kurt,” I said, and walked back to my stupid square.

  Kevin lingered so I stood and shot him with the rubber band in my hand. Heck, he gave Julius a neon rainbow pen and then just forgets about him when the next dangler moves in. Kevin shamefully returned to his cube.

  Mr. Stovall finally arrived, no wonder the south lost the war, our battle was over before he showed up for the fight. “Anything you need?” he asked the guy with long hair. I don’t remember Travis asking anyone else if they needed anything, why was Goldilocks so special?

  I pouted the rest of the afternoon and refused to look to my left. Mr. Carmichael didn’t deserve his curved wall, he was a prude, and his son who was…well, I don’t know how old he is, but certainly an adult, should be able to kiss a woman and touch a breast whenever he felt like it. I didn’t see what the big deal was, since Jen had been the man’s daughter-in-law.

  The day ended, and I was just about to turn off my computer when I got an e-mail from Julius. I’ve been transferred to another department; my father calls it a short leash. I miss you already.

  I wondered if we were still on for our date. Surely his father planned to have him surrounded by bodyguards and alarms attached to valuable body parts. I sadly hit reply. Everything is wrong, someone is in your cube and he looks all wrong, sounds all wrong, has the files in the wrong place, and I want to stick thumb tacks in his eyes. Why do you have to work with the developers?

  I waited for a reply as the room began to empty. It finally came. I was going to be moving on soon anyway, and Tobi, stay away from Kurt, the guy is really creepy. I’ll make it up to you tonight, I promise. Walk slowly to your car, my window faces the employee lot.

  I smiled and turned off my computer after printing a picture and headed to the parking lot. Most of the cars were gone and I held the picture of a very bodacious bare butt over mine and walked very slowly to my car. Since I had time, I stopped by the gym and worked on my abs. I was naturally lanky but tried hard to be fit. My mother said I had a fast metabolism and that was why I could binge often without consequences. I think it was my total distain for squares that kept my figure more squiggle like.

  I picked out a dress to wear and took the time to curl my thick hair before heading out to meet Julius at a restaurant on the wharf. He was waiting by the door and I watched his eyes scan my body and then smile. I was suddenly ravenous for him, not salmon. I held onto his shirt tightly and gave him a deep kiss. “How’s developing?” I asked.

  “Good, but only when you walk to your car,” he chuckled.

  We were seated, and he took my hand in his over the top of the table. I could feel the electricity pulsing up my arm and it was hard to concentrate on the menu. We both ordered and then stared at each other without any conversation. We really needed to work on our communication skills that didn’t involve wall-pounding profanity.

  “Do you still get to come to the goal party?” I asked him.

  He laughed and nodded. “It is for the entire company.”

  I groaned because now I knew Amos would be there, too. When my mind turned to Amos it gave me an idea. “Hey, do you want to come to Cartwright this weekend? It would be the last place Jen would look for you, plus you could meet my parents.”

  I didn’t admit I wanted to be there to keep Amos from saying anything inappropriate, but it would be fun to get away with Julius, too. I hated the idea that his get-a-way had to be where his soon to be ex-in-laws lived, but I didn’t plan on taking him out much.

  His expression changed to one of concern and he took a sip of his drink before saying, “I doubt I’m the type of guy your parents would want for you.”

  Was he kidding? They assumed I would be married to some artist or actor, constantly unemployed and growing medicinal marijuana. Someone like Julius would be a huge step up for me… once he was divorced, of course. My parents would probably propose to him for me and beg him to move to Cartwright. I was certain Julius would never want to live in Cartwright, since the place holds nothing but bad memories.

  I lived there for most of my life and hated it. Everyone was determined to be as unoriginal as possible and I stood out like a freak. I would show Julius off proudly and prove that even a squiggle is worth a great guy. The evening was perfect until we had to part, but I would have him all to myself this weekend.

  Chapter 5

  After kissing aggressively for close to an hour, Julius sent me on my way. When I got home Amos was there, as always. He looke
d at my curled hair and dress with an odd expression. I tried to ignore him but as I walked down the hallway he called out, “Toto, can you come to Cartwright with me on Saturday, introduce me to your mom and show me around?”

  I didn’t tell him I was already planning on it, instead I asked, “Is Claire coming?”

  “She’s thinking about it. I don’t think she’s too psyched by the idea of living in Cartwright again.”

  Claire moved to my small town for the last semester of our senior year. She was ostracized for being so beautiful. All the boys loved her, so all the girls hated her. I thought she was funny and original, so we became best friends. I think she gravitated to me simply out of loneliness, but soon she grew to love my quirkiness.

  I stared at him stupidly, why would Claire live in Cartwright? I was banishing the Incredulous Hulk to Cartwright, not her. She would live with me forever here in this house with the rounded doorways, and we would remain the hottest chicks on the block…surely the former Rockette would pass away soon.

  Amos saw my confusion and explained… which was downright pathetic to have Amos explain anything to me. “If I get this job, we’re going to get married.”

  “But, but, she hasn’t come to her senses yet,” I cried. I was anxiously waiting for the day she kicked his monster butt to the curb. I planned a parade with fireworks and everything. I even had my sash ready to wear on my squiggly float.

  “She’s pregnant, Toto, and I’m not walking away from my responsibility.”

  Claire would never come to her senses now. She was propagating the species and adding Amos’s DNA into the genetic pool where it would spread and create other muscle-bound cretins. Claire drank the Kool-Aid and became a little leaguer, destined to remain separate from us advanced humans. Today was the worst day of my life.

  I had hopes for the next few days, it couldn’t get worse, but I was prepared in case it did. Kevin looked me up and down as I walked through the aisle and then followed me to my cube. “Who died?” he asked.