Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  I was going to ask him where he learned big words but when the pain hit I grabbed my legs and began to push. It felt oddly better and I hoped this part really did go faster, but I had to admit labor had gone pretty darn fast.

  “Okay, again,” he said, and I repeated the process.

  Amos seemed to really know what he was doing, and I was a bit grateful it wasn’t Julius stuck here with me. He would be hiding in his office as I lay on the luv sack screaming bloody murder. The one weakness a lemniscates has is working with blood or a non-sexual vagina.

  I pushed for close to an hour and the pressure was unbelievable. I began another round of pushing when Amos yelled, “Stop, stop, stop. Hold on, no pushing he’s coming, he’s coming, I got his head, don’t push, Toto, here’s a shoulder.”

  I felt a rush and all the pain and pressure stopped. I looked down to see my baby with a tiny dangler; I knew it, but he wasn’t crying. Amos grabbed a towel and quickly wiped his mouth and nose. He still didn’t move or cry, so he grabbed the suction and jammed it in my baby’s mouth to clear his airway.

  “Come on, trooper, you can do this,” Amos said and began massaging his chest. “Hey, be a trooper, big guy,” he coaxed and finally a loud wail came from my son. “That’s a good boy, what a trooper.”

  I collapsed onto the luv sack and sobbed with relief. Amos placed my son on my chest and tied off the cord and cut it. He then ran and got a pan of water to place on the fire before coming back to check on me. His face looked worried and he added more towels under my legs. I was so tired and finding it hard to keep my eyes open. I heard him radio for an ambulance to come immediately to my address and mentioned Mayor Wilson to add some urgency.

  Amos grabbed a sheet and ripped off a long piece of material. He held my arms around my son as he tied them into place. Then, he poured the hot water in the water bottle and tied it around my arms. “Toto, I have to carry you to the road. It’s cold out there, so you hold on tight to your little trooper and I’ll try to keep you covered.”

  “You can’t carry me,” I said softly.

  “Why do you think I have all this muscle, of course I can carry you,” he smiled. I finally understood Amos’s obsession with working out and building muscle. He needed it to be the man who helped people.

  I nodded and closed my eyes, so he shook me harshly. “Hey, stay awake, okay? Don’t you dare do this to Julius, do you hear me, Toto, you stay awake and fight.” His words surprised me, and I had the feeling he was afraid I wouldn’t make it. He wanted me to focus on Julius and fight for him.

  “Am I in trouble?” I managed to ask with a soft whisper.

  “Just a bit,” he said honestly, and I felt the ground come out from under me as he carried us into the freezing snow and biting wind.

  I could feel my baby crying, but the howling wind drowned out the noise. Amos moved quickly, and I marveled at the sheer strength of the man. I did what he asked and focused on Julius, trying to imagine what his face would look like as he saw his son, the baby’s head covered in dark hair and his strong jaw and wide mouth.

  I became aware of flashing lights and felt hands pulling me from Amos’ arms. I wanted to thank him for delivering my baby and helping him breathe, but I couldn’t get enough energy to speak. I smiled at the realization I would be thanking Amos for something. If I had a list of impossibilities, thanking Amos would have been at the very top. But now I owed him for every precious thing in my life.

  “The baby was born at 1:32, he was a bit slow to respond but finally cried and kept good color,” Amos told the two men in the ambulance. “She’s losing too much blood, most likely a burst vessel from pushing.”

  I was placed in the warm ambulance and when my baby was taken from my arms I couldn’t find the strength to protest. The warmth of the ambulance coupled with the vibrations of the vehicle was putting me to sleep.

  “Wake up,” a voice was saying to me. “Mrs. Carmichael, open your eyes.” I felt a hand slap my face a couple of times. I struggled to respond, but my eyelids felt like bricks. “Tell me your baby’s name,” the young man asked to keep me alert. “Mrs. Carmichael, what is your baby’s name.”

  I took a deep breath and used all my strength to answer very softly. “Trooper, his name is Trooper.”

  Crap, crap, frickin crap, shiit with two I’s. Amos named my baby. Amos saved me and my son. Amos earned my gratitude and got a look at my Bandersnatch in the process. I wasn’t sure life was worth living anymore.

  There were a few perks to being Mayor Wilson’s daughter, people still talked about me and called me weird, but they also made sure the mayor’s weird daughter was well taken care of. I woke up in a recovery room surrounded by hospital staff. I was assured I was fine; baby was fine, the father was on the way, and my parents were waiting for me to wake up.

  A cute orderly came to take me to a room. “You have to stay overnight, and we are pretty full due to the storm, so you’ll have to share a room for a few hours,” he said as he pushed my bed down the hallway.

  “I don’t mind,” I said to be a good patient, knowing Julius would most likely get me moved to Harborton when he arrived. “Can I see my son?”

  “Sure, a pediatrician will be in to speak with you and a nurse will bring your baby as soon as you’re settled.”

  He moved the bed back and forth as he worked to get it into a room. I looked over at the other mother and instantly shot out my arms to hold onto the door frame. “Oh, hell no,” I yelled as Jennifer looked at me from the other bed.

  “We don’t have any spare rooms,” the young man said with a bit of anger.

  I know I was being all accommodating before, but this was too much to ask. It wasn’t like when I had to sit in English with her after deflowering my boyfriend, this was female bonding over our babies and I wasn’t bonding with the woman Julius bonded with for almost two years.

  “I’ll lie in the hallway,” I offered, but the orderly ignored me and parked my chariot right next to the modern-day version of the plague.

  “Can you fix my pillow,” Jen asked, and the young man walked over to adjust things as Jen let her obviously soreless-nipples almost hit him in the face. I doubt she could breast feed. Surely calluses had built-up from all the loggers roughly handling her areolas. I looked away, because I had seen her moves for years and could predict the hair twirl and giggle right on cue.

  The young man left, and the room was silent. The clock ticked, and muffled sounds could be heard in the hallway. She finally blew out a loud breath and I held mine until the germs had time to pass my bed.

  “Are you seriously going to ignore me?” she asked.

  “Seriously,” I answered and went back to holding my breath.

  “I’m so over Julius, I’m married and everything,” she said, and I spit all over myself as I looked incredulously at her.

  “You broke him, Jen.” I yelled and then got angry she got me to speak.

  “You should be happy; if he wasn’t broken you wouldn’t stand a chance with him. Just hope he doesn’t get fixed,” she said and turned over in her bed to face away from me.

  Her words sent a shock through me. I was so focused on Julius’ ability to know I loved him, I never realized he would find me too strange if he learned to trust. I got the most amazing man in the world because he was broken.

  I had nothing to do but lie there and think about it. A doctor came in to talk to me and I tried hard to listen. “Do you want your son circumcised?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I said honestly, not having brothers and never discussing it with Julius.

  “Most couples go with if the father has been circumcised, so the child doesn’t feel different,” the doctor said. “Is your husband?”

  “Um… maybe,” I said softly, and Jen yelled out loudly, “Yes, he is.”

  I nodded to the other bed and explained, “She’s my husband’s ex-wife.”

  His eyes grew large and he leaned in to speak softly to me, “He married Jennifer Staple
?”

  “He’s broken,” I blurted out, as if it made any difference. Helen Keller would know to stay far from Jen; she would be able to just sense it. “My husband is on his way; can I decide later?” I asked the doctor and he nodded and left.

  “Julius is coming here?” Jen asked and began running her fingers through her hair as if the sight of her would send him to his knees begging for her to return.

  A nurse walked in at that moment pushing a glass crib with two babies lying practically on top of each other. I gasped and screamed for my son. He was going to do Scarlet, not Jen’s mutant offspring. “It’s okay,” the stupid nurse said, “They’ve been together all morning.”

  “Can you give him a shot?” I cried and still had my hands out for my son.

  Julius walked in carrying flowers and when he saw my face he quickly looked around the room. “This cannot be happening,” he mumbled and walked over to pull the curtain harshly to separate us.

  The nurse finally handed me Trooper and I pulled him close to stop the horror he had been living. “You’re safe,” I said and kissed him several times. I had totally forgotten Julius had not met his son yet, and when he climbed onto the bed, I looked up to see tears running down his face.

  “Daddy, this is your son, Trooper,” I said and handed him over.

  Julius stared in awe and when Trooper began to cry he pulled him to his shoulder and patted him lovingly. The nurse came over after finishing with Jen and said, “I’ll help you feed him.”

  “No, that’s okay, I’m going to breast feed, and I have two breasts,” I said and really hoped she didn’t pull out her tit in front of my husband. It was bad enough his old tit was right behind the curtain.

  “I’ll help him get started,” she said and reached for my son.

  “No, really, I’ll get him started,” I said in a panic.

  “Honey, I’m a lactation specialist, it is my job,” she pushed, and I looked at Julius and began to cry. I gave birth at home without pain medication with Amtard front and center at my front and center, but having some nurse show my baby how to draw milk from my nipples was too much to take.

  “Tobi,” he said calmly. “She is going to explain how you can get Trooper started feeding. She isn’t touching you, or Trooper.”

  Whew! “Oh, yeah, thanks,” I said with a smile and she took a step away from me.

  I unsnapped my hospital gown and held my son in my arms and said, “Julius, sing to me.”

  He sang very softly, and Trooper nursed like, well, a trooper. It was an odd feeling, but knowing I was making my son strong filled me with wonder. Julius laid his head on my shoulder and watched us with fascination. “Tobi, I love the name Trooper,” he said, and I smiled.

  “He’s Trooper Julius Carmichael,” I announced, and Julius kissed my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said to apologize.

  “Under the circumstances, I’m glad it was Amos and not you,” I told him honestly. “It was ugly, and I’m not just talking about Amos.”

  “You realize we have to move now,” Julius said, and I glared and pointed at the curtain. If Jennifer didn’t cause us to move, Amos working his magic, not sexy magic, but medical magic, certainly wouldn’t.

  “Hey,” I said and leaned in close. He raised his head, so I could speak directly into his ear. “Are you circumcised?”

  “You can’t tell?” he asked in shock.

  “I don’t know, is it really different?” I asked and wondered if there was a zipper or something. I reached over and pulled his jeans to look in his pants right when my parents walked in. Like I said, Sahara Desert, camel, doing a Bedouin, here comes daddy.

  My mother rushed over to see Trooper, but my father wouldn’t look at me as I fed my child or at Julius as I inspected his dangler, so he looked at the other side of the curtain and gasped loudly. “What kind of half-ass outfit are they running here,” my dad said and walked briskly from the room.

  I knew things were going to change, my daddy was going to get Cartwrights favorite ride away from his baby and I never loved him more. Hal walked in and looked tired and sad. Julius looked down at his own fingers, so he wouldn’t have to see the same look he carried on his own face for so long. My mother took Trooper and walked around the small area as she cooed and talked to him.

  I looked at Julius and wondered if he was getting fixed and wouldn’t want me. He caught my stare and leaned in to kiss me. “Tobi, are you happy?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I answered and felt just a hint of a lie in my word.

  Claire and Amos walked in and I burst into tears. Julius stood from the bed and walked over to give big Amos a tight hug. Claire held me tightly and kept apologizing, so it made me wonder what Amos had told her.

  “When you first called me, I should have made you come to my house. I’m so sorry, Toto,” she said as she wiped her tears. “I’ll make it up to you, name it and it’s yours.”

  I pointed at the curtain and nodded with my head for her to go look. She casually walked to the far side of the room and looked to her left. She walked back out of view and let her mouth fall open wide and then began laughing so hard she couldn’t stop, so she ran into the hallway.

  Amos made his way to the bed and punched my shoulder. “You did amazing, Toto.”

  “You won’t say anything, will you?” I asked with a soft voice.

  “About the huge wart on your clitoris, never,” he joked too loudly, and I knew what I was going to ask from Claire now. Let’s see how funny he can be without getting any for a month.

  My mother finally relinquished rights to my son and Amos took him in his arms. “What did you name the big lug?” he asked, and I was so glad he didn’t call him that earlier.

  “You named him,” I said, and Amos looked up at me and then quickly at Julius. “His name is Trooper.”

  Amos smiled and looked at my son with pride. “It fits,” he said and finally handed Julius back his boy.

  Claire came in from the hallway and we sat around chatting about all the mom stuff we would do together. I glanced over to see Julius singing softly to Trooper, rocking him back and forth in his arms as he stood in the corner of the room. He looked so whole, so content, as if all the pain in his life was gone, and I felt like he was slipping through my hands. It wasn’t something I could explain, it was a tiny seed planted by Jennifer of all people, and it was beginning to grow.

  “Toto, are you okay?” Claire asked me.

  “Yeah, I’m just tired,” I said.

  Julius kicked everyone out, so I could sleep, and my father returned to inform me Jennifer would be leaving soon. The nurse came for my son, so he could be circumcised, and Julius went with him for emotional support.

  Hal walked from their side of the curtain carrying a bag full of Jennifer’s stuff and gave me a soft nod. Jennifer pulled the curtain, so she could see me, and I saw she was dressed to leave, and yeah, her butt was huge. “I just wanted to say I’m happy for you and Julius. He’s always wanted a baby,” she said, and I hated that she knew what my husband always wanted.

  “Julius wanted a faithful wife first,” I said, and Jen only laughed.

  “Listen, Tobi, I’m saying this for your own good. I know I need to stop being so wild, but you need to stop being so loopy. We’re mothers now, and we both need to change.”

  “Do you remember when we had to write a book report and you told me Mrs. Klein wanted it written backwards?” I said to remind Jennifer I had to go to summer school because of her. She laughed and nodded so I said, “I learned my lesson about listening to you.”

  I didn’t want her to know her words hit their mark. I was going to have to be as normal as possible to keep my husband and the idea saddened me beyond all explanation.

  The nurse came in with a wheelchair and I finally asked Jennifer for my own information, “What’s your baby’s name?”

  “Natalie Nelson” she said, and I mumbled, “That’s cute.”

  “What about yours?
” she asked me, and I wasn’t about to let Nastyalie Nelson know how to find my son.

  “Bill,” I answered, and she gave me a funny look and wheeled out of the room. I took advantage of the calm to rest. It felt like I had just dozed off when I felt Julius shaking me.

  “Hey, momma, your son is hungry,” he said, and waited for me to sit up before handing me Trooper. I fed him as Julius sang and his song was upbeat and lighthearted. I fell back to sleep and didn’t even stir when Julius took Trooper from my arms.

  I was deep in lumberjack sleep for what seemed like hours and when I woke up, Julius was rocking Trooper and talking softly to him. I was totally unconscious, and both of my guys were fine without me. When Julius caught me staring he smiled.

  “Does he need to eat?” I asked without returning the smile.

  “He’s not fussing yet. I think he is a very even-tempered child, he seems happy with the world so far,” Julius said, and when my mind began reprocessing the words to mean Trooper was a square, I immediately forced myself to stop.

  Julius watched me for a moment and finally asked, “Tobi, you look like you’re about to cry. Is something wrong?”

  My tears began to fall, and I needed to cover, so I said, “I just want to go home. I can’t rest here.”

  He didn’t point out I had slept most of the day, instead he assured me when the doctor came he would ask if he could take me home. Trooper began to stir, and Julius brought him to me, so I could feed him. I didn’t like the way Julius watched me so closely and finally asked if he could get me a bottle of water.

  He walked to the doorway and turned to look at me before heading out on his water quest. While he was gone, I was brought a tray of food. The square tray was covered in tiny squares each containing a square of food.

  I tried to blink back the tears as I dutifully ate my squares.