Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  Chapter 27

  When I got home, I was too busy to worry about watching the words coming out of my mouth, or losing track of conversations, I was taking care of my baby constantly and Julius watched with love and pride when he was home.

  The weather finally cleared enough for William Dear and Charlotte to come see us. I was sad to see they brought S’bastard, but I just ignored him. The entire family was much happier about the name Trooper and commented on how healthy the baby looked.

  “I like how you rearranged this room,” Charlotte said, and I refrained from telling her the bloody luv sack had to be destroyed.

  William Dear took some pictures and then asked Julius to take one of them with me and the baby. Julius stood on the far side of the room and we all scooted close together. He held up the camera for a moment and then let it drop.

  “Tobi, are you okay?” he asked. My hand instantly rose to my mouth to see if I was indeed smiling and then quickly dropped again.

  “I’m fine, I was smiling,” I told him and didn’t understand his confusion. He quickly took the picture and began watching me closely for the rest of the afternoon.

  “Can I hold him?” S’bastard asked with a smirk. I knew he expected me to refuse to hand over my son, but, I surprised him by gently placing my baby in his arms. He glanced at Julius and then shook his head. “Wow, this is a big responsibility.”

  “It’s all I’ve ever wanted,” Julius said with a big smile.

  “You should be hanging out in the Riviera with supermodels, not serving drinks or changing diapers.”

  Julius looked at his brother and shook his head as he said, “I’m really sorry you think that is living. I have the greatest life available.”

  “No, I have the greatest life,” S’bastard refuted.

  “How’s Penny?” I asked, wondering if their relationship was becoming serious.

  “That’s old news,” he chuckled, but I knew it meant she dumped him and went back to Mr. California.

  I had so much I wanted to say, but I offered a polite, “I’m sorry.”

  William dear stepped forward and took the baby from S’bastard before handing him to Julius. “I’m proud of you, son.”

  I knew those words meant so much to Julius, no matter how much they angered me. He should have been proud of his son years ago and told him so. I noticed how Julius grew emotional, so I remained quiet. S’bastard moved closer to me and looked at my body before saying, “You look pretty good for just spitting out a baby.”

  I didn’t spit out a baby. It took a lot more effort than just spitting. I had to bite my lip for a moment before answering, “Thank you.”

  I was exhausted by the time the Carmichael’s left and Julius headed for work. It took a lot of energy for me not to use any energy and remain as normal as possible.

  I had bathed Trooper and had him asleep in his crib when Claire came over with ug… Amy. We sat at the table and I gave Amy some of the sidewalk chalk and a piece of paper to keep her entertained as we talked.

  “Are you going stir crazy yet and needing adult conversation?” Claire laughed.

  “Trooper is growing fast, I don’t have time to miss anything,” I said and smiled softly at her.

  She watched me for a moment and then asked, “Are you going to help Julius at the club anymore?”

  “Not for a while. I’ll go a few times to hear him sing, but he made me a CD for Christmas, so I listen to his music a lot.”

  “I’m sure Jen will be back prowling around the club if you’re gone,” Claire said to bait me, but I ignored the comment and took a sip of my coffee. She remained quiet and watched me, so I spoke to Amy.

  “How’s your baby doll, Amy?” I asked.

  “Bebe,” she said and smiled. “Ooper, bebe.”

  “She can’t say Trooper yet,” Claire explained. “She calls him Ooper.”

  “Do you want to go see baby Trooper?” I asked and stood to hold out my hand for hers. We walked slowly up the stairs as she managed the steps as if climbing a mountain. She giggled when we entered the room and she saw the baby asleep in the crib.

  “Momma, bebe,” she squealed, and Claire laughed.

  “I think it’s time for another one,” she said and we all watched Trooper sleep for a few minutes. “Tobi, has it been hard?” she asked.

  “No,” I sighed, “He’s a really easy baby. He just eats and sleeps.”

  “If you want to talk about anything, I’m here, okay?” she said, and I noticed tears in her eyes, so I looked away.

  When we went back downstairs they decided to head home, so I gave Amy the chalk and watched them walk across the yard and into the darkness. It was exactly how my life felt, but Julius seemed so happy and so relaxed, almost like he was fixed now, so I vowed to continue.

  I had been up since five and trying to keep quiet, so Julius could sleep in until at least nine. He got in late and tossed and turned throughout most of the night. I was surprised when he came walking down the stairs at seven.

  “Did I wake you?” I asked with remorse.

  “No, I thought I would spend some time with my son and let you have a day to yourself,” he offered.

  “Don’t be silly. I have to feed him every three hours,” I said and got a bowl for Julius to make some cereal.

  “Use the breast pump and go to the mall, or out with your mom,” he pushed, and I wondered if he felt I wasn’t taking care of Trooper like I should.

  “If you want to help, I’ll make you a list and you can run by the grocery store,” I offered to make him feel like he was helping.

  “Great, um… Sara and Travis are coming into town on Friday. I would love it if you came by the club. We can put Trooper in a portable crib and you would only have to stay for a bit.”

  “Sure,” I nodded and began working on the list.

  Julius ate and watched me write. When I finished, he took the list and left for the grocery store. I wondered if I could fit into any of my more stylish clothes, which consisted of jeans and a tight shirt. I went upstairs and tried on several outfits, making sure to hang them back up after each consideration.

  By Friday, I was looking forward to a night out and to show off Trooper to the regulars in the club. When we pulled up, the place was almost empty with just a few vehicles in the parking lot.

  “Did you close?” I asked Julius in shock.

  He didn’t answer as he got Trooper’s carrier out and unlocked the back door to the club. It was dark, and I followed Julius closely until he turned on the lights.

  “Surprise,” everyone screamed, and I jumped from fright as Trooper began to cry. The room was filled with our friends and family.

  I looked at all the smiling faces as my heart calmed and tried to figure out what was going on. There was nothing of importance in April… that I could remember. Travis handed me a drink and I shook my head.

  “Tobi, you can pump and then have one drink,” Sara said, but I shook my head again in response.

  Julius took my hand and led me to a chair at the end of a long table, so I whispered, “What’s going on?”

  “Tobi,” he said loudly, “This is an intervention.”

  I looked at the faces of those who knew me best and wondered if they truly believed I was on drugs. I had worked so hard to be a square and still failing. I felt tears fill my eyes and I said softly, “I’ll try harder, I promise.”

  “Try harder at what?” Julius asked me. I let my head fall and refused to answer.

  Amos stood angrily and said, “I want you all to know I didn’t do this. She was fine when I delivered that baby.”

  “Nobody is blaming you, Amos,” Sara said, and I didn’t have a clue what was going on but refused to admit it. The door opened, and Jack walked in holding Kelly’s hand. I smiled and motioned with my head to the empty chairs.

  It was then I noticed S’bastard leering at me. He even licked his lips for added creep factor. I couldn’t force myself to smile, but I nodded and said, “Hello, Sebast
ian.”

  “That’s it,” Julius screamed. “Who are you and where’s my Tobi?”

  “Are you seriously going to ignore Jack?” my mother asked with eyes filled with tears.

  “I didn’t ignore him, I nodded with my head at the empty seats,” I said to defend myself.

  “Why in the hell would you let him sit?” Kev screamed, and I felt like the last person in the world who got me didn’t know me anymore.

  “And Susan is here, you haven’t said a thing to her,” Travis pointed out.

  “I’m sorry. Hi, Susan,” I said as tears filled my eyes again.

  “This is so spooky,” Amos complained and walked off to lean against the bar.

  “She can’t ignore me,” S’bastard said and moved to stand right next to where I was sitting. I felt sick to my stomach but refused to react. He leaned over to get right in my face and said, “Hi, Third.”

  I swallowed deeply and answered, “I prefer last.”

  Everyone gasped and S’bastard looked at Julius with real concern.

  “Honey,” Charlotte said as she reached for my hand, “We want the old Tobi back. You seem so different and we miss you.”

  Huh? Surely, I heard her wrong. Charlotte, the quintessential square was asking me to stop being so squarish? I looked at my husband and saw such sadness on his face, mixed with guilt; he looked…. well, broken.

  “You don’t want me to act normal?” I asked the staring faces.

  “Normal, why would you ever act normal?” Susan asked me, and she really picked the wrong time to assert her assertiveness. How dare she assume I couldn’t act normal, I could normalize anytime I wanted.

  “Julius, get me a rubber band,” I said and Sues rushed back into her shell.

  “Toto,” Claire said angrily. “You added spice to my life. I could have lived with anyone, but I chose you, because life was an adventure with you.”

  “You think on a deeper level,” Sara added, “I have Travis because of you and now we’re expecting a baby. My child needs a crazy Aunt Tobi.”

  “You’re pregnant?” I gasped, and she screamed and jumped up and down.

  “Stop,” I yelled, “It might fall…. never mind,” I added quickly.

  “Tobi,” William dear said, and the room became silent, even my bladder sucked up into my chest. “You were right; no good ideas ever came from someone sitting in a square. We’re redesigning Carmichael Corporation and I could use your help.”

  I had so many thoughts rushing through my head as my spirit did cartwheels around the room. I stood and looked at the waiting faces before I verbally vomited across the table.

  “Jack, get the heck out of here and take buggy eyes with you. Darn you, Amos, you named my son after state police, and I let you do it just because you broke my vagina with your massive stupidness. Claire, are you seriously going to have another baby with the mounted police idiot, isn’t ugly Amy enough of a freak for you?”

  “Kev, the next time you kiss my husband show him your dangler first. Sues, stop masturbating to the image of my man and put Ned Beatty on a diet. Travis, either have an accent or don’t, but keep your child-raping sister out of the North. Sara, let a machine work your own breasts and leave mine alone. Mom, stop buying my son shirts with the word grandma on it. William dear, it is about dang time.”

  I was on a roll and it was time to deal with S’bastard once and for all. I grabbed him right in the crotch and squeezed hard. “You ever insult my husband again and I’ll remove these, understand?”

  He quickly nodded so I dropped his junk and spun around to face Julius. He literally shook a bit. “Your ex-wife told me the only reason I got you was because you were broken, and Trooper would fix you, so I would lose you. I was trying to be a square to keep our marriage together.”

  “Yeah, well, whores lie,” he said boldly.

  I jumped into his arms and kissed him very inappropriately as the room cheered. I was back; my time in square purgatory was over. Claire pulled on my arm to dislodge me from my hot guy who I longed to hear profanity from to say angrily. “My daughter is not ugly.”

  “I didn’t say she was,” I said and turned back to the kissing.

  “You called her ugly Amy,” she pressed and wouldn’t give it a rest.

  “I know, because it is her name, she is actually very cute, a little freaky with her mad skills, but adorable.”

  “Her name isn’t ugly Amy,” Claire said, getting way too fixated on a simple name.

  “Then why did you name her that?” I huffed and pulled Julius toward the office.

  I was ravenous in my desire for him. It had been way too long since Amos got to see my squiggle and I really, really wanted to show it to my husband. I trusted my loved ones to watch my son as I did daddy and prayed my mom wouldn’t write grandma with a marker on his Baby Gap outfit.

  I pulled off my shirt and since a nursing bra isn’t all that hot, I pulled it off, too. “Don’t you want to make this special?” Julius asked with a hint of fear, since it had been over two months since he pounded a wall.

  I grabbed a pen and lay down on the couch, raising my arm over my head and putting a big X on the wall. “Ain’t that special,” I said and began removing my jeans. He finally caught the spirit of getting some during a party and quickly removed his own clothes.

  Everything was so amazing, the feel of him, the smell of him, the size of him. I had worried that having a baby left me similar to the Lincoln tunnel, but dang if Julius didn’t get bigger, too.

  He suddenly pushed up on his arms and looked at me. “Are you crying?” he asked.

  I opened my eyes to show him I was just fine, but if he wanted to cry, go for it. He looked down further and said, “Why is my chest all wet?” I looked at his chest covered in lines of fluid and wondered if he was literally broken and leaking. He finally said, “Oh God, its breast milk.”

  I glanced at my still impressive jugs and saw milk leaking from my nipples. Julius was suddenly lactose intolerant and jumped from the couch… taking his tunnel tapper with him. I sat up in anger. “Your dangler leaks and I don’t cry about it.”

  “I don’t feed our child with my penis,” he tried to point out, but I felt he was missing the point… or rather I was missing the point, his point, really badly.

  “We’ve licked whipped cream off each other and that is food I would feed my child. And remember at my parent’s house when I took away your hangover by licking you in the spare room. And there was that time I put strawberries on my...”

  A loud knock sounded on the door and my father, using his principal voice yelled, “We can all hear you out here.”

  Julius’ dangler lost focus and began to dangle, and my breasts shut off production, leaving us frustrated and too embarrassed to go back out into the club. “Go tell them all to leave,” I whispered, and Julius’ eyes got wide, and he shook his head.

  “You tell them,” he whispered back.

  “Fine, lets dress and both go tell them,” I bargained and put my clothes back on as my poor body sighed.

  “Is your father going to kill me?” Julius asked with actual terror in his eyes.

  “No, he’ll just wing you,” I said with a smile and opened the door.

  Everyone was trying to ignore what they heard, except Sues, who kept thrusting her chest to show she had water tight floaters. Food appeared out of nowhere and drinks were plentiful, so we finally relaxed and enjoyed the intervention, but stayed on the opposite side of the room from my father.

  I looked around the place in awe. I was so blessed. I had wonderful friends and family, except S’bastard, and they loved me for my true self. I was a squiggle, surrounded by squares, but it somehow worked.

  Julius now understood the lengths I would go to for our marriage. He could finally trust in my love. Trust in love was not something easily found no matter what shape you were, because love is the one thing that has no shape at all. It is a blob that fills your heart, terrifies your mind, and tilts your world on its a
xis, but because it has no shape it is up to the two people in love to define what it is. Julius’ definition of love was loyalty, mine was acceptance, and we let it fill our souls and spill out into each other.

  He would know nothing but my squiggle love for eternity.

  Epilogue

  I stared at the teacher like she was speaking a foreign language. Her description of Budge’s behavior was making me proud, not upset. I couldn’t understand why she wanted me to come to the school and meet with her. She had asked for a conference to discuss Budge’s inappropriate behavior and I kept waiting for her to get to the inappropriate part.

  “I never had this problem with Trooper,” the teacher said, and I laughed. Did she honestly believe just because they were brothers they were identical personalities? I was suddenly grateful I was an only child, because I would have hated to be a little bitch like my sisters.

  “You realize they are two different children, right?” I asked her.

  The woman tightened her jaw and said, “I asked for Mr. Carmichael to come but he was out of town, perhaps we should wait for him to return for this conference.”

  God, I was so sick of everyone getting all hot over my husband. I stood and picked up the end of the ribbon tied around four-year-old Dreamer’s waist to leave. I didn’t keep my daughter on a leash, but the ribbon worked better than giving descriptions to stranger’s every time she wandered off.

  I loved being a mother and found it easy… okay, Trooper was more of their mother and I played with them, but there were still my dang kids.

  I walked into the hallway to see Budge looking sheepish, and Trooper looking so much like his father I almost sent him in to talk to the teacher. I walked up to the boys and said, “Budge, until daddy talks to the teacher, stop coloring on your teeth.”

  He smiled up at me and asked, “Did you see the Hipposauraus I made from clay? They live in the flat mountains.”

  Trooper shook his head and chuckled, so I refrained from asking to see it; I bet it was cool. We all climbed into the car and I asked what sounded good for dinner.

  “Pepperoni tacos,” Budge yelled. I had allowed it once and he asked for it every single night from that point forward…. But, it actually was kind of yummy.