This Quest is Broken! (This Trilogy is Broken (A Comedy Litrpg Adventure) Book 1)

by J. P. Valentine

“Nice jump,” Wes countered.

  “Nice sword.”

  The companions spun to find the four goons standing on the other end of the alley. Two of them held pitchforks.

  The third had a rope.

  “Hand over the sword, and maybe I’ll let your girl go unharmed. Mostly.”

  Wes’s face curled into a snarl. He raised a hand, setting it alight with strands of flame.

  “Is that a no?” The Farmer smirked. “C’mon boys, looks like we’re in for some good old-fashioned justice.”

  Eve looked sideways at Wes. “Run?”

  He nodded. “Run.”

  They ran.

  Eve kept back with the initiate, purposefully slowing herself to keep her class’s passive ability from outpacing her companion. The thugs gave chase.

  Her feet slammed against the hard earth with every hurried step as buildings and alleyways flew by. Her heart raced. Adrenaline pumped. The cool night air blew past. Their pursuers grew closer.

  Eve refused to activate her skill, unwilling to leave Wes in the dust. “We need to lose them!” she panted out through gasps for breath.

  “And how,” Wes managed, “are we supposed to do that?”

  He had a point. The moons above lit the whole village in their silver beams, leaving few shadows in which to take shelter. The late hour meant no passersby to ask for aid, and even were she willing to stop and check, Eve knew well enough each door they passed would be locked.

  So on they fled.

  The pair made it three more blocks before Eve developed an idea. Without warning, she grabbed Wes’s wrist, yanking him down a nearby side street. She led him down to the next crossroad before pointing out a direction. “Double back and sneak your way out. I’ll meet you on the road east.”

  “What’re you goi—”

  Eve shoved him. “Go!”

  He went.

  Eve lingered for a moment in the narrow intersection, doing her best to look completely lost. She whipped her head from side to side, miming the action of picking a direction until the sound of footfalls reached the alley behind her. Turning opposite the way she’d pointed Wes, Eve took off.

  “That way!”

  The thugs followed.

  A grin stretched across Eve’s face as she led the men along. She dared not look back to gauge their distance, but the echos of their steps and the panting of their breaths confirmed all four had taken the bait.

  She regulated her pace, keeping care to always dart down a new path or alleyway just as the men turned the prior corner. They’d only continue if she could maintain the illusion that Wes was just ahead of her, just out of sight instead of across town slinking off into the night.

  If all her class could do was run away, Eve was determined to at least be bloody good at it.

  She let out a quiet laugh as she rounded yet another corner. She could do this for hours. Barely twenty minutes into her goose chase, her pursuers had already slowed from an outright sprint to a quick jog. On she ran.

  It was some time around two in the morning when the four villagers gave up. One by one they bowed out, doubled over as they caught their breath. It would be the only thing they caught that night.

  As the last of them—the Farmer himself—gave in to his exhaustion, Eve made a point of traveling west. It was better the men thought they’d run home to Nowherested.

  Eve grinned as she checked her Stamina to find it still half full. At least all the Endurance her class granted wasn’t totally useless, even if she’d have preferred pretty much any other stat.

  She kept to the outskirts as she turned back toward the eastern road, unwilling to risk running into one of the thugs on his way home. As she followed the moonlit path to her large companion, Eve’s thoughts turned again towards her quest.

  Was it worth staying in Fidsworth to buy the loaf of bread?

  A part of her screamed yes. She’d had an easy enough time escaping the thugs once; surely she could do it again in the morning. That said, the bakery sat in the center of town. A few cries of ‘thief!’ could turn four pursuers into fifty.

  In the end, it was Wes that settled her mind. She’d saved the Flame Initiate’s ass twice in less than a day, and his own quest would only get harder. Besides, she rather enjoyed his company so far.

  “There you are!” Wes’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. “What happened?”

  “I led them in circles until they ran out of Stamina. It was easy, really.”

  “Oh, thank Ayla. I was scared they’d chase you all the way back home.”

  “Never,” she scoffed. “Remember, I’ve mastered the art of running away. Besides, I couldn’t just leave you. You’d die in half a week without my help.”

  Wes smacked her shoulder.

  “Seriously, though, we should keep moving. The further we are from Fidsworth when morning comes, the better.”

  Wes nodded, accepting her direction. He gestured down the road with an open palm. “Shall we?”

  Eve snorted. “Of course, noble sir. We shall.”

  Twenty paces down the eastern road, a series of messages flashed in Eve’s vision. She dismissed them. It’s too bloody late for this, she thought. Maybe once we find someplace to sleep and settle in I can—

  “Gods below,” Wes swore, his eyes shining blue as they reflected the azure light of his own status screen. “I just leveled up.”

  “You what?”

  “Apparently escaping Fidsworth was an important milestone in my quest. I got a hundred exp.”

  “You got a—” Her eyes shot open. With a thought, Eve pulled up the message she’d ignored.

  Legendary Quest Milestone Reached: Escape Fidsworth!

  +1000 exp!

  “What—no—that can’t be…” Eve fell silent as a dozen more messages popped into view.

  Wes perked up. “What’s wrong?”

  “That,” Eve sighed, “is an excellent question.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The Second Tier

  LEVEL UP!

  LEVEL Up!

  …

  Level Up!

  “Bandir’s Balls!” Eve swore. Thirteen levels for that? I just ran around in circles!

  Class Upgrade Available: Courier

  Common Tier 2 Class

  Requirements: Delivery Girl, Errand Girl, Messenger Girl, or Pack Mule base class.

  From running messages to delivering parcels, you’ve worked your way up to being a true professional in the field. A proper courier always gets her package to its destination.

  +10 Endurance

  +2 Endurance/Level

  There were no other options. Though a bit disappointed to not receive a Wolf Slayer or Thief class for her escapades so far, Eve wasn’t exactly surprised. Her mother had only seen one option for her advancement to Seamstress all those years ago; why should Eve be any different?

  Maybe tier 3 would provide something more interesting. Hells, she was already past halfway there; she’d have to make sure to do something worth an Uncommon class of her own. With a sigh, Eve accepted the promotion.

  She noted with glee that the difference in Endurance growth seemed to retroactively apply to all of her levels after unlocking the class change. Considering she’d pushed seven past the evolution threshold, the difference meant that many additional points of Endurance. She was pleased to not be penalized for rapid growth, unfair or otherwise.

  The new class and levels set her Endurance at a staggering 44. Forty bloody four. What am I gonna do with all this Endurance? Thus far her abilities were only good for running away, and while more Stamina was certainly useful, it would never actually increase the power of her skills, just how often she could use them.

  Holding out whatever hope she had left, Eve opened up her skill list. There was only one new entry.

  Active Ability - Heave

  4 Stamina/Sec

  It doesn’t matter how heavy it is, you’ve got a package to deliver. Double your maximum carry weight as long as Heave remains ac
tive.

  The sheer volume and vigor of Eve’s sigh attracted Wes’s attention.

  “Seriously, what is it? Are you alright? Did someth—” His eyes went wide. “Your class changed.”

  “My class changed.”

  “So you got a milestone too?”

  She nodded.

  “But I only got a hundred exp for an Epic milestone. To get level ten you would’ve needed…”

  “More than that.” Eve saved him the effort of doing the math. “I got a thousand.”

  “A thousand?! Eve, what the hells?”

  She shrugged. “Good question. Maybe escaping Fidsworth is a bigger part of my quest than of yours?”

  “Or,” he leveled with her, “there’s something you’re not telling me.”

  “Bloody mage Intelligence,” she swore, knowing full well that wasn’t how Intelligence worked. She sighed. “I got more experience than you because I didn’t hit an Epic milestone. I hit a Legendary one.”

  By some miracle, Wes’s eyebrows raised yet more than they already had. “You what?”

  “It’s…” She breathed. “My quest. It’s rated as Legendary. For some reason.”

  “For some reason?”

  “I don’t fucking know. All it says is ‘go to the next town over to fetch a loaf of bread’ and that it’s apparently super difficult.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “My thoughts exactly. It is bullshit. It’s complete bullshit. Yet here we are.”

  “So you just get massive windfalls of exp whenever you make progress? That doesn’t seem fair.”

  “Is it fair that you’re a Flame Initiate and I’m a bloody Courier? For fuck’s sake, my abilities are to run away and to carry heavy shit.”

  Wes opened his mouth, closed it, and deflated somewhat. “No, no, you’re right. You get to level up insanely faster than I do—at least for now—but I get more stats and two fire spells.”

  “Exactly! It actually seems pre—wait. Two fire spells?”

  The man’s eyes lit up. “You aren’t the only one who hit a milestone.”

  “You got a new spell just for level three?”

  Wes gave a sly grin. Without speaking, he raised his right hand. It came alight. Orange flames licked at his fingers, casting their flickering glow across his face. “Burning Hand at level one,” he explained, “and more damage at level two.”

  He closed his hand, pulling it back as if winding up for a punch. Instead he opened his fist as he surged forward, throwing a thin bolt of bright inferno into the night. “Fire Dart at level three.”

  Eve watched the twinkling projectile fly through the dark sky, its gentle arc leading it towards the ground. “You know what, forget the thing I said about mage Intelligence.” She took off.

  “What did I—”

  She called back over her shoulder, “You’re gonna start a brush fire!” With a deep breath, Eve activated Run Away. She charged forth, speeding through the dry grass at her inhuman pace. The cool evening air blew through her hair and across her face, eliciting a smile despite the urgency of the situation.

  Wes’s dart wasn’t difficult to find. Although the spell itself had long dissipated, Eve’s haste meant only a cluster of the greenery had a chance to catch fire before she stamped it out.

  Upon her return, the man greeted her with a sheepish look.

  “I’d think with a two-year age gap that you’d be the responsible one,” she said.

  “Sorry.” He hung his head. “I saw the new skill and wanted to try it. You know how it is.”

  Eve sighed, “It’s okay. Just… maybe not in the middle of summer. That could’ve wiped out someone’s harvest.”

  Wes nodded.

  “Look,” Eve said, “it’s late. We’re both too tired to really be thinking straight, especially after the day we’ve had. I’m sure we’re far enough from Fidsworth that we can call it a night. We can talk about new skills and classes and where we’re actually going in the morning, alright?”

  “I can agree to that,” came the reply.

  Under Eve’s direction, the two companions stepped away from the dirt road to find what comfort they could upon beds of grass. Legendary quests, level gains, and new abilities aside, they’d had more than enough adventuring for one day.

  * * *

  Eve squinted, groaning as she raised an arm to shield her eyes from the morning sun.

  “Good morning!”

  She rolled over, doing her darnedest to return to the soft embrace of sleep instead of replying to Wes’s greeting. His next words changed her mind.

  “Do you want some breakfast?”

  Eve sat straight up, throwing her hands in the air to stretch away the night’s stiffness. She let out a wide yawn. “What do you have?”

  “Meat and cheese, mostly, but Mrs. Yir gave me a few of her scones the morning I left.”

  Eve’s eyes widened. “Scones. Now.”

  “Yes, ma'am,” Wes chuckled, handing her one. “Consider it a thanks for saving my ass.”

  “Twice,” Eve replied through a mouth full of sugary, strawberry-y goodness. “Sounds like you owe me two scones.”

  Wes wrapped a defensive arm around his pack. “I’d rather take my chances with the wolves.”

  Eve laughed, shaking her head. “Fair’s fair. If I don’t see that scone tomorrow morning, there’ll be hell to pay.”

  “What are you gonna do, run away from me?”

  “No. I’ll run away from you very quickly.”

  Wes guffawed. “Welp, you got me there. How am I, a measly level three, supposed to compete with your glorious level seventeen?”

  “Exactly.”

  As the pair finished the meal, Eve attributed her high spirits to both the mirthful banter and the pure divinity of the pastry. She’d take Mrs. Yir’s scones over some ancient family heirloom any day.

  “So,” Wes began as they pushed to their feet to continue their journey, “where are you going?”

  “Ponsted’s the next town over, right? Don’t want to risk going back to Fidsworth, and my quest doesn’t specify which town I need to get the bread from.”

  “And then?”

  Eve shrugged. “Maybe I’ll stay with you a bit? If I got a thousand exp for a milestone, imagine how strong I’ll be once I finish this damn thing. I always wanted to travel, and based on the last twenty-four hours, you need as much help as you can get.”

  Wes ignored the dig. “Isn’t that too easy? I’d think a Legendary quest would take more than a few days. If Fidsworth fell through, what makes you think Ponsted won’t? Or the next town?”

  “Then I’ll keep going. It’s just bread; there’s no rush. It’s not like my loaf of bread is killing people or destroying livelihoods every day I don’t buy it. I could go anywhere, really. Name a town that doesn’t have bread in it. The real question is where you're going.”

  “East, I guess. I’ve been thinking over what you said about a mage’s college, and I kinda agree. I’m no more ready to fight a dragon than you are. I think Lynthia is the closest city; maybe I can join the adventurer’s guild there to earn enough money for tuition.”

  “Okay, Lynthia it is.”

  The two walked on in silence, squinting their eyes against the blinding sun ahead of them as it blanketed them in its comforting warmth. Birds chirped as they flew overhead, and the grass on either side quivered with motion as hares and field mice went about their day.

  “So—um…” Eve said, “where exactly is Lynthia?”

  Wes shrugged, humming the ‘I don’t know’ more so than saying it. “East. I’m sure we’ll find it if we follow the road long enough.”

  Eve snorted. “Yep, ‘adventure’ is definitely the right word.”

  The travelers actually went quiet at that, continuing on through the plains in comfortable companionship. Eve’s thoughts drifted as they journeyed, first to the events of the previous night, and then to her future. Already she was only eight levels away from the next class evolution at level t
wenty-five, and if she wanted something good, she’d need to earn it.

  Eight levels—especially in a common class—wasn’t long. Not for her.

  The hours ticked on as Eve’s mind wandered through the different types of skills or spells she might one day unlock. If she was to complete a Legendary quest, why shouldn’t she find a Legendary class in the process? Images and daydreams of great powers and incredible feats flicked through her thoughts, each more impressive than the last.

  She was just amidst an imaginary encounter with a deadly leviathan when the hissing shattered her reverie.

  “Um… Eve? Is that a field hydra?”

  The reptilian form stood just over eight feet tall, its musclebound body carried by four thick legs. Its claws scored the dirt beneath its feet. Most intimidating, however, were the eight heads that sprouted from its thick torso, each held several feet into the air by a thin scaly neck.

  The thing hissed again in a dissonant chorus of threatening tones.

  Wes set his hand alight.

  “I wouldn’t,” Eve warned him. “These things are crazy venomous. One bite and you’re dead.”

  “So what do you recommend?”

  “What do I always recommend?”

  He smiled. “Right.”

  They ran.

  The field hydra charged, its array of heads gnashing their teeth at the air ahead of it. Were she not otherwise concerned with running for her life, Eve might’ve laughed at the way the thing’s thick legs seemed to waddle after them. That is, she might’ve until it started catching up.

  The creature drew closer. Eve ran faster. Wes didn’t.

  “It’s too fast! We have to fight it!”

  “Not if I have anything to say about it!”

  Eve slowed, turning around to prepare herself. The hydra gained ground. Wes approached. Eve exhaled.

  The moment Wes reached her, Eve wrapped her arms around his waist and activated Heave. With a grunt, she lifted.

  Pivoting back around, she took off, dumping the twenty Stamina to use her other skill as well. The plains raced by. Her heart pounded. Her Stamina drained. Her breathing quickened.