This Quest is Broken! (This Trilogy is Broken (A Comedy Litrpg Adventure) Book 1)
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And Eve smiled.
She smiled for the joy of the wind in her face and the sun on her back. She smiled for the thrill of the chase and the sheer ridiculousness of a five-foot-nothing stick of a girl running off with a two hundred fifty pound mage slung over her shoulder. She laughed, not at some whispered joke or comedic line, but because the world itself was funny.
From his backwards-facing vantage, Wes threw Fire Darts at the waddling beast. Pained hisses alerted Eve to the man’s progress as dart after dart singed the creature’s hide. Whenever Wes missed, Eve took care to lead the chase into a circle so she could stamp out any brush fires before they could develop into a second problem.
Minutes passed as they whittled the hydra down, every step and every spell bringing them closer to that coveted victory message. Even when it finally came, Eve didn’t stop running. It was only once every budding wildfire in its wake had been summarily extinguished that the companions finally collapsed.
You have defeated Level 15 Field Hydra: +130 exp!
“Ayla’s tits,” Wes swore. “I got two levels from that!”
“Seriously? I only got one,” Eve replied as she watched her Endurance tick up yet again. “Did you get extra experience for doing all the damage?”
He shrugged. “Either that or because I’m so much lower level than it.”
“Oh yeah, it’s probably that. Perks of being a level three.”
“Level five now,” he laughed. “And hey, I got an upgrade to both my Burning Hand and my passive.”
Eve cocked an eyebrow.
“It’s just more damage. Nothing exciting, but definitely nice.”
“You and your Uncommon class.” Eve scoffed. “With your insane stat growth and your new or upgraded abilities every level.”
“Hey, keep doing adventurer shit and you’ll get one too.”
“At the low, low price of almost dying every day.”
“To be fair,” Wes said, “I’m the one who almost died. No way that thing would’ve caught you on your own.”
Eve smirked. “You know what that means.”
“Oh no.”
“Sounds to me like I saved your ass again.”
Wes shook his head. “Not happening.”
“I’m adding this to your scone debt.”
“Gods damnit.” Wes held his face in his hands.
“Hey, you said it.”
“At this rate we’ll have to go back to Nowherested just to get more scones.”
Eve laughed, lying back on the soft grass. “I’m sure there are other towns that have scones.”
Wes lay beside her, the mirth in his voice matching her own. “Just like there are other towns that have bread?”
“Exactly.”
The conversation fell silent as the travelers reclined in the grassy plains, their eyes fixed on the azure sky and the few pearly clouds which drifted through it. Another day, another brush with death slipped past. Alone, neither the slim Courier nor the bulky Flame Initiate could’ve dreamt of felling a hydra, but together they’d not only won but lived to reap the rewards.
There was more world to see, more adventuring to be done, and Eve loved every minute of it. They had a plan, they had a destination, and, ridiculous as it was, they had a working strategy for the battles ahead.
What more could a pair of young heroes want?
CHAPTER SIX
A Baking Accident
“DO YOU THINK these are actually worth something?”
“May as well find out,” Wes answered as he stooped over the hydra’s corpse with his knife. He slipped a scale into his bag. “Now you’ve eaten all my food, I’ve got plenty of space for loot.”
“You eat twice as much as I do!”
Wes cocked an eyebrow. “That’s cause I’m twice your size. I brought enough to get to Ponsted without resupplying, but somebody decided to go off on a Legendary quest without even packing.”
“And I would’ve finished my Legendary quest without packing if I hadn’t stopped to save you.”
Wes shrugged, stuffing another hydra scale into his pack. “It is what it is. We’re still a few days from Ponsted, and all I’ve got left is a few scones.”
Eve smirked. “You mean I have a few scones.”
Wes threw up his hands. “Whatever. The point is we’re almost out of food.”
“And?”
“And,” Wes said as he cut into another scale, “I’ve always wondered what hydra tastes like.”
“No way. They’re poisonous; we’ll fucking die.”
“They’re venomous, not poisonous.” Wes pointed the tip of his blade just below one of the beast’s many jaws. “Venom glands are up here. If we take a cut or two from lower down, we’ll be fine.”
Eve raised her eyebrows. “You’ve butchered hydra before?”
“Obviously not if I don’t know what it tastes like.” He packed away another scale. “But Mr. Braun has, and he told me about it.”
“I don’t know if I’m more impressed you’re willing to eat a hydra or that you actually survived one of Mr. Braun’s stories.”
“Oh, believe me, I am too. I swear it took him four hours to tell it.”
Eve shook her head. “Rookie mistake. Never let him know you have an afternoon off. That man devours free time.”
Wes laughed, setting aside the last of the scales as he cut into the creature’s flank.
“If you think the scales might be valuable,” Eve asked, “what about the teeth?”
He turned to give her a flat look. “You mean the razor edges where all the poison is?”
“Point taken.”
“I hope not. Those points are venomous, remember?”
Eve grimaced. “I might charge you a scone just for that pun.”
“Right. Yep. I shouldn’t have said it.” Wes shook his head as he returned to his butchering.
By the time the sunset colored the sky in its usual symphony of colors, the air was filled with smoky goodness as two hydra steaks sizzled over a campfire. Eve had found the flat rock on which Wes cooked, making use of Heave for its intended purpose to get it into place.
Though he lacked in the world of spices, the man at least had the wherewithal to bring a pouch of salt on his journey. Unsurprisingly, he used it as another opportunity to tease Eve for her own lack of preparation. She cracked back soon enough.
“So,” Wes said through a mouthful of steak, “hydra is chewy.”
“I don’t think that’s the hydra’s fault.” Eve turned to display the center of the piece she was currently working her way through. It was pure gray. “You cooked it to the eighth hell and back.”
“Better safe than sorry,” he defended himself. “I’d rather overcook it than get sick off eating raw hydra. If you don’t like it, you can cook the next one.”
Eve shrugged. “You’re the hydra expert. And the fire mage for that matter. It really sounds like your wheelhouse.”
“Oh, so you run away and carry shit, and I do everything else.”
“You’re getting it.” Eve laughed as she reclined back, crossing her arms behind her head to stare up at the sunset.
Wes stood. “So, should we keep moving or stop here for the night?”
Eve stayed lying back. “Well, either that hydra had some kind of paralyzing toxin running through its veins, or it’s been a long day and I’m just really tired.”
“No, it’s definitely the first one.” Wes sat back down a few feet to her left. “You see, I poisoned you so I could have all the scones for myself.”
“Ooh, devious of you. I had no idea I was traveling with a criminal mastermind.”
“Hey, that’s ‘Sir Criminal Mastermind’ to you. I’m a noble hero, remember?”
“Ah yes,” Eve chuckled, “the noble hero who steals a sword and poisons his friend. I remember that story.”
“Yeah, well, where’s the fun if we’re all paladins to Loia? Can’t have every hero be one of those ‘pure of soul’ types.”
�
��That would get awfully boring, wouldn’t it?”
Wes let out a laugh of his own. “Well, at least we’re not bored.”
Eve cracked a smile, wide and bright and full of meaning her companion could only begin to guess. “At least we’re not bored.”
As the sun finally began its nightly rendezvous with the horizon, Eve lay back with a full stomach and a calm mind. Hard earth, dry grass, or comfy inn, she’d take whatever rest she could get.
Come morning, there’d be adventuring to do.
* * *
Eve ran. She did that a lot these days. Luckily, in this particular instance there was nothing lethal giving chase, unless, of course, one were to consider Wes ‘lethal’ and his casual walk ‘giving chase.’
She counted the seconds as the wind swept through her chestnut hair, keeping a careful eye on her ever-depleting Stamina.
119/460
She breathed.
115/460
113/460
Eve slowed her pace, ever so slightly decelerating from a sprint to a quick jog.
115/460
She grinned. Stamina regeneration or not, she obviously couldn’t run forever. Too little food or too long without sleep and it’d plummet all the same. Still, in battle-time it was effectively infinite. As long as Heave isn’t draining it away, she thought.
Eve stopped to catch her breath, waiting on the roadside as Wes closed the distance between them. He cocked an eyebrow.
“It levels out at one-fifteen,” she explained. “I knew the percent regen was higher in the bottom quartile, but I can’t believe it only took forty-six Endurance to jog at equilibrium.”
“I thought I was supposed to be the smart one.”
“No, I’m the smart one. You’re the one who sets shit on fire.”
“With my blistering intellect.”
Eve laughed. “Okay, you win this one. The point is I have enough Endurance to run all day long.”
“What about your skills?”
“Heave drains faster than I can regenerate, but if I’m below a quarter full I only lose a point or two a second. Run Away is a flat cost, but the natural drain from running scales with the velocity. It’s not really the skill costing more Stamina cause I can still choose not to go at full speed, but it may as well be.”
“So how much does it cost?”
Eve shrugged. “I’m not about to do that math. More? The skill duration scales with my Endurance, but only half as fast. It was seven point five seconds when I had fifteen Endurance, now it’s twenty-three. For now I’m just going to assume the duration will run out before my Stamina does.”
Wes gave her a pointed look. “You just don’t want to test it.”
“No way I’m running that fast without looking where I’m going. I’ll hit a tree and die.”
Furrowing his brow, Wes over-dramatically scanned their surroundings. “We’re in the plains.”
“A rock then. One misstep and I’m gone. Who’ll look after your helpless ass?”
“Very funny.” Wes stepped past her, continuing on down the road. Eve kept silent as she followed.
As the companions rambled on, so too did Evelia’s mind. Both her recent discovery and the conversation that followed spurred her on in the direction of Wes.
She liked him. Really, she did. She hadn’t known the muscular blacksmith’s son particularly well back in Nowherested, but she did now. Somehow, three days of adventuring together seemed to carry more weight than an entire childhood of peace back home.
Sure, he needed saving an awful lot, but that was part of his charm. He joked and teased and took as much shit as he dished out and came up laughing on the other side.
Sometimes Eve wondered how far she’d get without him, if she could just run all day every day, avoiding every enemy and encounter until she got wherever she wanted to be. The trouble was, she didn’t know where that might be. She could complete her quest, but then what?
She could run away, but she couldn’t fight without Wes’s help. She might survive, but she wouldn’t grow. They were perfect for each other in a strange way. She kept him alive while his vulnerability and firepower provided just enough risk that they could both earn exp.
Then there was the matter of her quest. Wes’s need of saving is what made it difficult in the first place, but the Questing Stones had deemed it Legendary before she’d even done that. Had she always been meant to save him? Would she have failed in her quest if she hadn’t?
Eve didn’t know.
It seemed to her that Wes must somehow be wrapped up in her life’s quest. Slow and danger prone or otherwise, she’d keep with him. Besides, she liked him, and that was reason enough.
Her musings came to an end when she spotted the smoke.
Wes stopped short. “That wasn’t me.”
“Unless you can throw that dart way farther than I thought you could, of course it wasn’t.” Eve swore. Without waiting for a reply, she took off, racing down the road towards the pillar of black soot on the horizon.
She made it to Ponsted in under five minutes.
An ashen haze hung over the town as Eve walked through the crowded streets. She clung to hope as she stepped past house after house that still stood, untouched by the apparent inferno. The smoke grew thicker. It clawed against her throat and lungs, forcing its way past even the sleeve of her blouse through which she breathed.
By the time she saw the first piece of charred wood, Eve already knew what had happened.
Only one structure had actually fallen to the blaze, its neighbors scorched but otherwise unharmed thanks to the efforts of the local well and the gathered townsfolk who’d come to help. The fire was gone, but its damage remained.
Eve went to investigate. Across the road from the burnt husk, she found a villager sitting in the dirt, leaning against the wall of the inn as he sipped from a flask. His hands were stained with ash and dirt, the wrinkles in his face painted in lines of ebon soot.
Eve approached. “What happened?”
The man’s voice scraped through the air, hoarse from exertion and smoke. “Place caught fire earlier this morning. Some kind of baking accident.”
Eve collapsed next to him. “I’m sorry.”
“Shit like this happens. Nobody’s hurt, we kept it contained, and we can rebuild in a few weeks.”
“Still,” she whispered, “I’m sorry.”
The man shrugged. “It’s not your fault.”
Isn’t it? Eve thought. Would the bakery have burned if she hadn’t come? Was she cursed to never buy a loaf of bread to fulfill the difficulty requirements of her quest, or was it only Legendary because the Stones somehow knew the string of misfortunes she’d face?
Eve had no answers, and the exhausted villager beside her didn’t either. They sat together for a time, two strangers watching smoke waft from the blackened ruins, sharing in the misery of the sight before them.
She couldn’t say how much time passed, but the haze had somewhat cleared from the air by the time Wes finally arrived. He extended a hand to help her up.
“I picked up supplies on the way here. There’s still a few hours of daylight left. I say we get out of here.”
Eve nodded. She took his proffered hand, allowing the man to pull her to her feet. They walked in silence through the streets of Ponsted, weaving their way through villagers going about their daily business.
Eve didn’t breathe freely until the last of the buildings fell away and the plains expanded out before her. Though the air here was clear, the smell of smoke still clung to her nostrils. Still they walked.
Wordlessly, Wes reached into his pack, pulling out a scone and handing it to Eve. She took it.
He smiled. “C’mon, we have a city to find.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Slippery When Wet
YOU HAVE DEFEATED Level 6 Gnoll: +0 exp!
You have defeated Level 7 Gnoll: +0 exp!
You have defeated Level 6 Gnoll: +0 exp!
You have defeated L
evel 5 Gnoll: +0 exp!
Eve fell back, cracking a smile as she lowered Wes to the ground. “It’s the perfect strategy,” she laughed. “They can’t hit us if they never get close!”
“You’re not the one being slung around like a sack of potatoes,” Wes replied, rubbing his sore abdomen. “Your shoulder isn’t exactly comfortable.”
“Hey, at least you’re getting exp for all this.”
Wes flashed a smile of his own. “You know the rules, no exp for enemies half your level or lower. That’s what you get for rocketing up to eighteen so quick.”
“And the world continues to discriminate against those of us cursed with common classes.”
Wes snorted. “Tell me again how much you got for your Legendary milestone. Gnolls aside, you’ve still got more experience than I do.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Eve waved him off. She knew fair was fair, even if she gained nothing from defeating the bipedal hyenas. “So how much did ya get?”
“One thirty-six. Got me level six and an upgrade to my Flame Affinity.”
“Ooh, what’s it do?”
“Well,” Wes sat down to explain, “originally it was just a percentage boost to fire damage, now it gives resistance too.”
“That’s it.” Eve snapped her fingers. “You’re officially the party cook from here on out.”
Wes cocked an eyebrow.
“Think about it! You can get the fire going, keep it under control, and even flip the steaks without needing a fork. It’s perfect.”
“It’s only fifteen percent; I’m pretty sure I’ll still get burned if I do dumb stuff. And since when are we a party?”
Eve turned up her palms. “We’re adventurers and there’s more than one of us? Either way, I’m sure we’ll pick up more people in Lynthia. As well as it works for now, I don’t see the guild approving our ‘sack-o-potatoes’ battle plan.”
“So what’ll you do?”
“I’ll figure something out,” Eve said. “Worst case I can run in and pull people out of danger.”