This Quest is Broken! (This Trilogy is Broken (A Comedy Litrpg Adventure) Book 1)

by J. P. Valentine

  As the sun fell low on the horizon and walls of glass loomed up ahead, Eve struggled to keep her thoughts from wandering back to the dark barrow. Necessary or otherwise, she’d killed a man.

  She knew she’d had no choice. Steven was a monster who’d murdered innocent animals to practice necromancy, desecrated dozens of ancient bodies, and threatened to kill her friends. This was no moral dilemma. He’d deserved his fate, and that was that. Still, it stuck with her.

  It wasn’t so much she felt guilty, or that she questioned the righteousness of her actions. There was just a certain finality to it that left a bad taste in her mouth. Ending a human life was supposed to mean something, and however justified her actions were, it did.

  Eve sighed as she and Wes climbed the steps to their shared room. She didn’t want to talk about it. Truth be told, she didn’t want to think about it. She knew she’d done the right thing; it was just a matter of allowing that truth to sink in so she might move on. She needed a distraction.

  Fortunately enough, that very evening the world had deemed fit to grant her the greatest diversion it ever could. A thin smile crossed her face as she sat on the bed.

  Class Upgrade Available: Shatterfate Striker

  Rare Tier 3 Class

  With a silent prayer to whichever god might listen, Eve lay back, shut her eyes, and hit ‘yes.’

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Skills, Skills, Skills

  THE GOLDEN HUE of sunrise pierced the thin curtains of the guild dormitory by the time Eve awoke. She didn’t even bother to sit up before replacing it with the unsightly blue of her status screen.

  Evelia Greene

  Human

  Level 25 Shatterfate Striker

  Exp: 209/1033

  Health: 182/190

  Stamina: 899/900

  Mana: 0/0

  Constitution: 19

  Endurance: 90

  Intelligence: 12

  Dexterity: 20

  Strength: 30

  Spirit: 0

  The first thing she noticed was her newly inflated stats. Between the bonus the tier 3 Rare class gave and those from her most recent level, the figures left her with quite the grin. They were some clean numbers.

  She wondered if there was some divine purpose to the perfectly even Endurance, Dexterity, and Strength values, but ultimately concluded that her class itself was evidence enough to the contrary. Sometimes a coincidence was a coincidence. She’d enjoy the pretty numbers while they lasted.

  The second aspect of her status which stood out was the exp total. A bit of quick math told her that 1033 was not the usual twenty percent higher than her previous level had cost. It was thirty.

  Levels are gonna get real expensive real fast, she thought. So much for that Common class explosive growth. Of course, the insane stat increase more than made up for slower leveling, and that wasn’t even considering the value of actual combat skills. On that note, she had more reading to do.

  Ability Upgraded!

  Passive Ability - Haste

  A quicker step is the difference between life and death. You run [END/5]% faster.

  The change wasn’t massive, but Eve certainly welcomed the less-demeaning description. One fifth of her Endurance for one percent faster movement didn’t seem like a great ability, but as she weighed the staggering fifteen Endurance she’d gain each level, the ability grew on her. Already she’d be eighteen percent faster with an extra three percent for each level she gained. She’d take that.

  Ability Unlocked!

  Passive Ability - Surefooted

  One slip up means death, and you’ve become familiar with high speeds and difficult terrain. Gain increased traction and stability.

  This one was a bit vague, but Eve had a feeling it had something to do with her battle with the goblins in the slippery wet grass. She’d have to test how well it worked, but if the new skill meant not falling on her face again, it’d be a welcome addition to her arsenal.

  Ability Unlocked!

  Passive Ability - Battle-hardened

  You’ve seen your fair share of battle, and your body has adapted for it. Gain increased bone density, tendon strength, and resistance to impact injuries.

  Eve sighed. Again with the vague descriptions. The skill certainly sounded useful, especially after she’d dislocated her shoulder elbowing Steven, but she had no idea how exactly it worked, and testing it did not sound fun. Still, it looked promising. She stopped herself from daydreaming about possible upgrades for the ability to open the next message.

  Ability Unlocked!

  Passive Ability - Enhanced Metabolism

  You’ve grown accustomed to burning through large amounts of Stamina. Gain increased energy efficiency from the food you consume, and increased Stamina regeneration while well fed.

  Eve paled. Would she have to start eating twelve meals a night to keep her Stamina up? She could barely afford one dinner as it was. She shivered. The bit about ‘energy efficiency’ gave her some hope, but the description made her nervous. She didn’t want to starve.

  At least the good news—if one could call it good—was that she’d now hit the limit on passive abilities. If she managed to unlock a fifth, she could remove anything undesirable. Shaking the uncomfortable thoughts away, Eve moved on to the actives.

  Ability Upgraded!

  Active Ability - Charge!

  85 Stamina

  Put those feet to work. Whether ducking in or out of combat, a good Striker needs to do it quickly. Triple your maximum running speed for [END/5] seconds.

  Now that was more like it. Not only was she free of the insulting Run Away skill, but the new version was even faster. Eve smiled just thinking about it. Memories of the wind rushing through her hair as she dashed through the plains at high speeds ran through her mind. Triple speed sounded fun.

  The upgrade wasn’t without down sides. The increased Stamina cost she could handle—she had Stamina to spare—but the reduced duration was another matter. Eve supposed the change was inevitable. If the skill still lasted for half her Endurance in seconds, things could get out of hand quickly. In the context of battle, eighteen seconds was still plenty of time.

  Ability Upgraded!

  Active Ability - Adrenaline Rush

  8 Stamina/Sec

  In the heat of battle, the human body is capable of wondrous feats. You’ve learned to use it to your advantage. Gain [END/3] Strength for the duration.

  Eve’s eyes shot open. The new version of Heave was the first true combat ability she’d picked up. Carry weight didn’t help her swing a sword or parry a blow. Strength did.

  Sure, she’d have to spend twice as much Stamina if she wanted to whisk Wes or Preston out of danger, but the offensive potential far outweighed an extra four Stamina per second. Compared to her pool of nine hundred, the cost was basically nothing anyway.

  Ability Unlocked!

  Active Ability - Fate-al Blow

  90 Stamina

  If you can shatter fate itself, you can shatter a few skulls. Your next melee attack deals [STR/3]% more damage.

  “Seriously?” Eve muttered to herself. “Fate-al? Did Wes write this?”

  The text of the ability itself was pretty simple—standard, even as she understood melee classes. To be entirely honest, she liked having a skill like this, but already Eve couldn’t wait to upgrade or replace it, if only to escape the dreadful name.

  Ability Unlocked!

  Active Ability - Jet

  500 Stamina

  Momentum is a tool just like any other, and you’ve learned to wield it. Massively increase or decrease your personal momentum.

  “Another one to test,” Eve thought aloud. “If it means getting to and from max speed quickly and safely it’ll definitely be useful, but… Ayla’s tits.” She reread the cost. So much for having Stamina to spare; five hundred was more than half her total.

  Shit. If she ever wanted to use this in combat, it’d have to be at the very start. Regeneration above fifty perc
ent was slow, and unless she took a break mid-battle, she’d never regen above four-fifty. Maybe her metabolism passive could do something about that? Otherwise she’d just have to wait until her Endurance rose even further.

  Eve spent a few minutes reading through her ability list twice more as the information sank in. She could work with this. She had a good spread of offense and defense with enough mobility she’d be a nightmare to pin down.

  The newly-minted Striker was just daydreaming about the way these skills could change and grow with her over time when Wes stepped through the door of their shared room.

  “Good morning.”

  Eve smiled. “So I was right. The class upgrade did knock me out. How long did I sleep?”

  “Or,” Wes answered, “you had a long day and got a good night’s sleep.”

  “I like my version better.”

  “Of course you do.”

  Eve rose from the bed, stretching as she stood. “Are you trying to say I didn’t sleep later than you because my promotion was bigger?”

  “It turns out sleeping in is a lot less pleasant when you’re on the floor.”

  Eve opened her mouth to reply with a scathing witticism before thinking better of it and offering a simple, “Right. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s alright. You’ve got your combat class now, so you can join the guild and get your own room instead of squatting in mine.”

  “I’m not squatting! I’ll have you know I’m standing perfectly upright, thank you very much.”

  “Anyway,” Wes changed the subject rather than stooping to reply to the pun, “I’ve got our money. Turns out the hydra scales weren’t worth shit, but the enchanter I spoke to paid a few silver for the goblin staff. Said he’s gonna use it to teach his apprentice what not to do.”

  “Welp, silver is silver. What about payment for the necromancer job?”

  Wes withdrew another handful of coins. “It was a thirty-silver job, split three ways means my cut’s ten. Between meals, renting two rooms, and your guild fees, we won’t have much left.”

  Eve shrugged, scooping up her share as she made her way for the door. “Guess we’ll just have to do another job.”

  “And in the meantime…” Wes turned to follow her.

  She called over her shoulder from the hall outside, “In the meantime, I’m getting breakfast.”

  * * *

  Eve approached the counter, filling her voice with every bit of snark she could muster. “Hello, I’d like to join the adventurer’s guild.”

  The clerk’s eyes flashed blue as she Appraised the Striker. “Oh, looks like someone managed to force their way into a combat class. Lucky you.”

  “Say what you will, at least I earned what I’ve got.”

  “Too bad what you got won’t get you far.”

  Eve paused. “What?”

  The clerk continued, sliding a document over the counter. “Guild fee for a Common class is four silver, and no, there’s no discount for being stuck at Common in tier three.”

  Eve stared at the woman.

  “I assume you’d like to join your brother’s team?” She pushed another sheet of parchment across the table. “Sign here, and here.”

  Dumbfounded by the woman’s statements, Eve silently handed over the silver and signed on the dotted line. Another document and another few coins to rent a second room, and the lady dismissed her without so much as a ‘welcome to the guild.’ Eve didn’t mind. Her thoughts were occupied elsewhere.

  “Appraise me,” she ordered as she took her seat at the breakfast table with Wes and Preston. Alex was nowhere to be seen.

  “Why?”

  “I just had a very interesting conversation with the guild clerk. Apparently I have a Common class.”

  Preston’s eyes shot open. “Shit, you’re right. It says you’re a level twenty-five Striker, tier three Common.”

  Wes cut in, “I see the same. It can’t be a rarity thing because I’m also Rare.”

  “Let me try,” Eve said, using the skill on Wes.

  Level 10 Acolyte of the Devouring Flame

  Rare Tier 2 Class

  She shrugged. “Works fine for me. Maybe it’s a tier thing?”

  “It can’t be,” Wes said. “That clerk is tier four.”

  Eve blinked. “Wait, what? What in the ninth hell is a level fifty doing working a desk?”

  Preston explained, “Some adventurers actually live long enough to retire. Besides, it behooves the guild to have a clerk who won’t be bullied by every level thirty who thinks she’s hot shit.”

  “Hey, as a level twenty-five who thinks she’s hot shit, I was perfectly polite.”

  The healer cocked an eyebrow. “Were you?”

  “She started it!”

  Preston laughed. “That’s what I thought.”

  Eve returned to the matter at hand. “But why do I show up as a Common class?”

  “Your guess is as good as mine. I see you as a Striker, which would imply there’s something specifically about the Shatterfate part that stays hidden.”

  “Maybe,” Wes chimed in, “it’s because that part’s not supposed to exist.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah,” Eve added, “I agree with Preston. What?”

  “You said the class requirements were all doing things you shouldn’t have been able to do, like wielding the sword or using Run Away to kill something.”

  “That doesn’t explain why other people can’t see it.”

  “No,” Wes admitted, “but it’s a clue. Shatterfate isn’t Rare because it’s strong and not many people have it; it’s Rare because it isn’t like other classes. You have to break the system to even get it, so why shouldn’t it break the system in other ways too?”

  Preston raised his eyebrows. “That’s a stretch.”

  “I’m sure I’m not the first person to change a non-combat class into a combat one,” Eve said. “And sure the requirements and the description are a bit unique—the skills all seem based more on the Striker part than the Shatterfate part. They’re good, but they’re definitely not unique.”

  “Well?” Wes grinned. “What are they?”

  Eve sighed. “I walked right into that, didn’t I?”

  Preston chuckled. “You did.”

  “Alright, fine.” Eve settled in, nicking a bite of sausage from Wes’s plate. It was cold by now, but the spiced pork played well on her tongue with the little joy of theft. With a smile on her face and a hint of smugness in her voice, Eve launched into her joint explanation and gloating session as she shared the details of her class with her fellow adventurers and new friends.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  A High Constitution Score Isn't the Only Way We Protect Ourselves

  WES SPAT OUT his juice. “Fate-al Blow? You’re joking.”

  “That’s what I said! Hells, if I didn’t know better I would’ve guessed you had somehow written my skill descriptions.”

  “Me? You’re the one who went with ‘I’m not squatting I’m standing’ earlier today.”

  “Ooooh,” Preston taunted. “He’s got you there.”

  “And I stand by that!” Eve said. “Standing-not-squatting is a thousand times cleverer than ‘Fate-al Blow.’”

  Wes flashed an incredulous look. “Cleverer?”

  “It’s a word,” Preston backed her up. “It sounds stupid as all hells, but it is a word.”

  “Either way,” Wes turned back to Eve, “you’re the one with a dumb pun for a skill name.”

  “Not for long. If you got a new skill or upgrade for every level of Uncommon, I’m sure as hells getting one at Rare.”

  “None of mine ever changed names.”

  Eve turned up her palms. “There’s a first time for everything. Maybe I’ll just replace it when I unlock a new one. I’m ability-capped anyway, and unless my math is wrong it’s only like a twenty percent boost.”

  Wes rattled off the answer without pause. “It’s a twenty percent boost now. By the time you promote again i
t’ll be over a hundred.”

  “You and your Int.”

  “I’m serious,” the mage continued. “There aren’t any actual damage abilities that scale off Endurance. Considering your Adrenaline Rush can convert it to Strength, something like Fate-al Blow is going to be your best bet.”

  Preston added, “Especially if your base damage is already massive from hitting them with insane momentum.”

  “Exactly.”

  Eve leveled a glare at Wes. “Since when are you an expert on skill selection?”

  He shrugged. “I’ve been in the guild longer than you, makes me your superior.”

  She snorted. “Oh, does it, Mr. Tier Two?”

  “That’s ‘Sir Tier Two’ to you. This team is a professional outfit.”

  Preston stepped in, “Professional, huh? Then how come we still know nothing about your fancy new class, Sir Tier Two.”

  Wes held up his hands. “Alright, you win. It’s not like I was gonna keep it secret. I’m an Acolyte of the Devouring Flame. Rare tier two, mage-type, you know all that. It’s fifteen each flat Int and Spirit, then twenty points divided between Int, Spirit, Constitution, and a lone Endurance.”

  “So… stats of a Rare tier two mage.”

  “Right. The requirements and description talk a bunch about knowing the true nature of fire and wielding its insatiable hunger.”

  Eve’s brow furrowed. “That’s not ominous at all.”