This Quest is Broken! (This Trilogy is Broken (A Comedy Litrpg Adventure) Book 1)

by J. P. Valentine

  “Oh, just you wait,” Wes continued. “It gets worse. I got two new abilities, both passives. I’m pretty sure the first is really the core of the class, because it lets me gain Mana from nearby natural fires.”

  “What’s a ‘natural’ fire?” Preston asked.

  “Something that’s actually burning,” the mage explained, “as opposed to the flames around my fist that Burning Hand generates.”

  “So keep a torch or brazier lit and you can cast spells forever?”

  He shrugged. “I haven’t tested it, and I’d probably have to keep giving it more fuel to burn, but yes. I can turn fuel into Mana. Can’t say how fast or efficient it is, but it sounds useful.”

  Eve looked up from her breakfast. “As long as you don’t go burning cities down to fuel your spells.”

  Wes nodded. “Which gets me to the second passive. I can’t make heads or tails of it, so I’m going to show it to you so you know I’m not bullshitting you.” His eyes flashed blue as he pulled up his status screen.

  Eve and Preston both leaned across the wooden table to stare at the reflection in the man’s eyes. Only a single skill description was in focus.

  Passive Ability - Whispers of the Devouring Flame

  Hear them.

  “Ayla’s tits,” Preston swore. “That’s terrifying.”

  Wes ran a hand through his chestnut hair. “You’re telling me.”

  “Maybe it’s a good thing,” said Eve. “Maybe our campfire will tell you the future. Or the brazier will give you dating advice.”

  Wes shifted in his seat. “Or this ‘devouring flame’ whispers in my ear until I go mad and set you on fire.”

  Preston placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’re not going to go mad. Unless you’ve done some evil shit without telling us, I don't see how you could’ve ended up with a detrimental skill. I’m sure it’ll turn out to be a good thing.”

  “He’s right,” Eve added. “No way that skill turns you insane. I reserve the exclusive right to drive you mad, and any whispering candle is gonna have to wait its turn.”

  Wes chuckled. “Thanks.”

  “The real question is, whose skill will drive them mad first: your spooky whispers or the fact I have to live with an ability named fucking Fate-al Blow?”

  Preston grinned. “I vote Eve. Hers is way worse.”

  “Yes,” Wes admitted, “but what you’re forgetting is that I also have to live with the knowledge you have that skill.”

  “Shit,” Eve cursed. “I can’t argue with that. Better send you to the asylum right now.”

  “As if you could afford to put me up in an asylum.”

  Eve snapped her fingers. “Good point. Sounds to me like you, oh dear party leader, should go ask the clerk about getting us another job.”

  Wes cocked an eyebrow. “So now that you want something, I’m the party leader?”

  “Exactly.”

  Preston laughed. “That’s what you get for lording your two days of guild membership over her.”

  Wes sighed as he pushed himself to his feet. “Alright, fine. At least I won’t antagonize the level fifty clerk. I suppose next you’ll want me to track down Alex and patch things up with her?”

  “Actually,” Preston said, “I think Eve should do that.”

  “What? Why me?”

  “She empathizes with you,” the healer explained. “You proved your worth against Steven, and unlike Wes and me, you didn’t luck out with an Uncommon class. She’ll respect that.”

  “Oh.” Eve paused as the information sank in. “That’s actually really insightful. I’m impressed.”

  Preston grinned. “What can I say? We priestesses are just more in touch with our emotions.”

  Eve giggled. “Leaning into it now, huh?”

  “If the gods-damned Questing Stones are going to have a sense of humor, I will too.”

  Eve stood, patting the acolyte on the back as she addressed Wes. “So you get us a new job and I’ll see about talking to Alex.”

  “Sounds good to me. Meet back here for dinner?”

  She nodded.

  “Oh, and Eve?” Wes added. “Don’t get stabbed.”

  “Last I remember, you’re the one who’s been stabbed before. By a goblin.”

  “Actually, never mind,” Wes said. “You should aggravate her just like that. I’m sure it’ll work out fine.”

  “You know what?” Eve smiled as she stepped out into the city street. “Maybe it will.”

  * * *

  Eve stopped partway through her journey through the streets of Lynthia when she came across a message depot. She only had a few coins left after paying the assorted guild fees, but what use was money unspent? She’d happily skip a meal somewhere down the line if it meant getting a certain letter sent.

  Though the office itself was fairly simple, a strange sense of nostalgia overcame her as she stepped inside. She didn’t realize why until she cast the first Appraise.

  The place was filled with folks of a familiar class. Messenger Boys and Girls waited patiently for the next job while Couriers swapped packages back and forth. Eve smiled. If nothing else, the depot served as a reminder of the life she’d escaped, of the fate she’d shattered. She approached the counter.

  Postage to Nowherested was only a silver, but the fee still left Eve with little more than the two coppers she’d started with. She refused to spend those.

  Ma,

  I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, but it turns out my quest is a bit harder than it sounds. I’m writing from Lynthia to let you know I’ve unlocked a Rare class, I’ve joined the adventurer’s guild, and I’m loving every minute of it. Maybe someday I’ll make it home with that loaf of bread.

  Love,

  Eve

  Eve exhaled as she handed the missive to the clerk behind the counter. She wished the slim parchment had space for more, or that her handwriting wasn’t so poor as to fit so little. Most of all she wished her ma could see her now.

  She passed right by a bakery as she left the message depot, not even bothering to check if the door was locked. It probably was. Either way, Eve hadn’t ventured out into the city to put more bakers out of business. Her first errand complete, she moved on to the second.

  She had a Soldier to find.

  * * *

  The thwack thwack thwack of dull steel against wood filled the air as Eve crossed the yard. Men and women in varying quantities of armor swung their weapons about in a wide range of skill levels. While some expertly performed complex maneuvers against their wooden opponents, others somehow managed to miss the stationary dummies.

  Alex was among the former.

  “How did you find me?” she addressed Eve without pausing her routine.

  “According to the guard I spoke with, there are only four training grounds in the city. I knew you’d be out practicing after yesterday, so it was just a matter of looking around. It took a bit of running, but that’s what I do.”

  Alex swiped her spear in a series of slashes along the dummy’s neck. “Clever, aren’t you?”

  “I try.”

  She finished her pattern with a brutal strike that left her spear tip buried in the wooden man’s neck. “So why are you here?”

  “I wanted to make sure you’re okay. We killed your ex and you stormed off and I haven’t heard from you since.”

  Alex turned to face her. “For the record, I’m glad that little shit’s dead. He deserved what he got. And I didn’t storm off. I’m not obligated to celebrate with you. The job was done and I went home.”

  “After yelling at Wes.”

  “Because he was bragging.”

  “He wasn’t bragging!” Eve exhaled. “He was excited to get a new class. You didn’t have to bite his head off.”

  “And I didn’t have to cheer him on either. I’m your teammate, not your friend. I showed up on time, I did my job, and I went home.”

  Eve took a step forward. “That’s not how this works. I need to know that I can trus
t you, that you’ll have all of our backs, even if you’re pissed at Wes for some gods-damned reason.”

  Alex matched her, staring Eve down from her superior height. “And I’m telling you I do. Not because I’m your friend, but because I’m a professional.”

  “That’s your argument? We don’t have to like you because you’re ‘a professional’?” Eve scowled. “If you’re such a pro, why did you take a mission to go after Steven? Why didn’t you tell us, your teammates, that we were hunting your own bloody ex-boyfriend?”

  Alex faltered.

  Eve pressed on. “If you want us to trust you under the premise that you’re a professional, you need to actually act like one. Being a pro doesn’t mean being a dick to your teammates, it means not letting personal shit get in the way.”

  “You’re right.” Alex spoke through gritted teeth. “I should’ve told you about Steven. That’s on me, and I’m sorry.”

  “And Wes?”

  “What do you want me to say? That I’ve been fighting my entire life to prove I’m worth more than fucking Common and I’m pissed that he gets a Rare class for free? Because I fucking am. Happy?”

  Eve sighed. “Alex, I’m not here to rub it in your face. I won’t speak for Wes because that’s his job, but I started as a Messenger Girl.”

  “Did you earn your promotions, or did your fire mage friend carry you to it?”

  Eve’s laughter elicited a confused look from the tall warrior. “He wouldn’t have made it a day without my help. If anything, I carried him. In more ways than one.” She exhaled. “I understand your frustrations. I do. But it isn’t Wes’s fault that he got lucky and we didn’t.”

  “So what do you want, Eve?”

  “I want to help. I want you and Wes not to yell at each other. I’d like to be friends if we can.”

  It was Alex’s turn to let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Eve, but that’s not on the table. Not now. I apologize for my lapse in professionalism, and I will strive to perform better in the future.”

  “Can I know why?”

  She turned back to where her spear still rested planted in the dummy’s neck. “No. You can’t. Now let me practice in peace.”

  “It won’t help, you know,” Eve called after her.

  Alex pivoted on her heel to stare back at the Striker. “Help with what?”

  “With your class. Practicing more won’t suddenly boost your rarity. It’s about taking risks, trying things others wouldn’t think to.”

  “What’s your point?”

  Eve gestured with open palms. “Look around you. Not a single Rare class among them. If you want your life to turn out differently from theirs, you need to do something different.”

  “Practice isn’t about leveling up. It’s about surviving. A Rare class is only any good if you actually live long enough to use it.”

  Eve nodded. “I can understand that. It’s admirable, even. Hells know I don’t have the patience to run drills all day. I just… I know how it is. My advice? Pick something you want, and give your everything to get it.” Eve quoted her class description, “Clench your fists and stand your ground and whisper defiance at fate itself. It’ll mean taking risks; it’ll mean making sacrifices; and it’ll mean trusting in the friends you make along the way. I can see the sweat on your brow, and I can see the absolute beating you gave that practice dummy. I know you’ll get there. You deserve it.”

  At last the first chink in Alex’s armor appeared in the form of a thin smile. “Thanks. For what it’s worth, I think you deserve yours too.”

  “Of course I do,” Eve chuckled. “I fought like hell for it. And you will too. Wes is arranging our next job as we speak.”

  Alex yanked her spear from its place embedded in the dummy. “Guess I’d better get my practice in while I can, then.”

  “I guess you should.” Eve didn’t press any further. Whatever reason Alex had for keeping her distance from the others, she clearly wasn’t ready to share. “I’ll see you back at the guild.” She turned to go.

  “Hey, Eve?” the Soldier called after her. “You mentioned not having the patience to run drills. How about something a bit more interesting? I’m sure you’re dying to try out your new skills. Why don’t you show me what you’ve got?”

  “Are you asking for a bout?”

  “You know I am.”

  Eve spun back around, a smile already stretching across her face. “You’re on.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Everybody Falls on Their Face Sometimes

  I HOPE THIS traction skill works, Eve thought. The thin layer of loose sand over packed earth gave her some concern as she squared off against the tall warrior. Alex twirled her practice spear—a quarterstaff—from where she stood thirty feet across the sparring ring.

  Eve’s own hands lay empty. Untrained and unpracticed in the weapons of war, she knew she was just as likely to hurt herself as Alex. She might be unused to her new abilities, but she wasn’t stupid.

  She ran through each of her skills in a last-ditch effort to formulate some semblance of a strategy for the coming bout. They weren’t promising.

  The problem was, given Alex’s weapon of choice and the abilities at Eve’s disposal, her only real option was to use Charge! to get in close and Fate-al Blow to end the fight quickly. The warrior was smart enough to predict that. After all, how else would a melee fighter with no weapon defeat a spear carrier?

  At least, Eve reasoned, she doesn’t know my exact skills. Serves her right for skipping breakfast with the team. There was, of course, one ability that might turn the battle on its head, but everything about it screamed ‘terrible idea.’

  Jet was right out. Without testing it, Eve had no idea how fast it would make her, and the whopping five hundred Stamina cost implied the answer was ‘gods-damned fast.’ She shook her head. The last thing she needed was to slam herself into a practice dummy or punch Alex into an early grave. Charge! and Fate-al Blow it was.

  “Ready?” Alex called out.

  Eve simply smirked and nodded.

  The Soldier began her countdown. “Three.”

  Eve cracked her knuckles.

  “Two.”

  She hopped up onto the balls of her feet.

  “One.”

  She inhaled, clenching her hands into fists.

  “Fight!”

  Eve dashed in.

  Alex raised her spear tip, holding her ground at the ring’s edge.

  Eve paused just outside of range, ready to dart to the side should Alex lunge. She didn’t. The warrior stayed put, tracking Eve’s motion with the point of her staff. With her back to the arena’s end, Alex protected herself from any attempt at circling her.

  Eve darted from side to side, hoping to bait an opening. All she needed was one misstep, a paltry few seconds without a spear between her and her target. She didn’t get it.

  Okay, new plan. Eve stepped forward, ready to dodge the imminent lunge.

  It didn’t come.

  Shit, Eve swore as her opponent simply continued to track her motion. She stepped in again, further exposing herself to a counterattack. Still Alex refused to strike. I can’t keep doing this, Eve reasoned. Soon enough I’ll be too close to dodge, and she knows it.

  Her eyes fixed on Alex’s spear, Eve stepped in again. And again. Her heart raced with every step as the pivotal moment approached. Either she’d avoid Alex’s lunge and push through into attacking range or the weapon would hit home. Another step.

  The attack finally came just as Eve’s front foot left the ground. The practice spear surged towards her as Alex lunged with incredible force. Eve Charged!

  Her back foot launched her to the side.

  The spear tip flew past.

  Eve swung her front foot around to catch her sudden change in momentum. It slammed into the packed earth, sending a jolt of shock up her leg but failing to regain control of the motion. Her upper body continued lurching to the side at inhuman speed.

  Her right shoulder hit the gr
ound first. Her face followed. The sand scraped against her exposed skin as her momentum carried her several feet along the surface of the practice ring. Stinging pain flowed through her cheek and shoulder, that of the fall matched by the embarrassment of how it came to be.

  It was her own damned fault.

  Eve pressed a palm into the earth to push herself up, but a hard shape pressing into the back of her neck kept her in place.

  “I win.”

  Eve groaned, nonverbally accepting defeat. Alex withdrew her spear, replacing it with an open hand.

  Eve took it.

  “Well fought,” the Soldier complimented as she helped Eve to her feet.

  “Well fought? I fell on my face.”

  Alex grinned. “Exactly. I’d say you learned more from that bout than any day of practice could’ve taught you.”

  Eve raised a lone eyebrow in as skeptical a look as she could manage.

  The warrior explained. “You know what your problem is? You’re too clever for your own good. Given your level, I’d guess you’ve been adventuring for a few months at least, and I’m willing to bet every insane plan you’ve come up with and every risk you’ve taken has worked out.”

  Eve didn’t bother to correct her. “What’s your point?”

  “My point is, we all fall on our face sometimes. Welcome to the real world. Cleverness will only get you so far; the rest is work.”

  Eve sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “You’re right. I should’ve tested and practiced more before getting into a fight. I’ve never even tried to Run Away sideways before, let alone Charge!”

  “Wait,” Alex snorted. “You have a skill called Run Away?”

  “Had,” Eve corrected. “I was a Courier, remember? Don’t bother making fun, Wes has already exhausted pretty much every joke there is about it.”

  Alex shook her head. “It’s a good thing I’m not Wes. I would never make fun of a person’s class, especially not after they’ve proven they’re better than it.”

  “Thank you, Alex. For the bout and for… the advice, I guess.”