by Isha Inamdar
NJ quickly fished out her mobile phone from her bag and looked at the flashing screen which read Sameer calling.
‘Hello,’ NJ answered the call, welcoming the distraction.
‘So you guys reach there and are so busy playing the love-struck couple that you both completely forget about me?’ Sam screeched into the phone.
NJ knew that Harsh’s behaviour was taking a toll on Sam. But she didn’t know how to handle Sam on the phone with Rudra within earshot.
‘Sam, can I call you back?’ NJ asked apprehensively and heard Sam snigger.
Looking back at Rudra, she saw him giving her a questioning look. She brushed it off by saying, ‘That was a friend,’ and received a contemptuous look in return.
She was about to ask him about it when she saw the polite demeanour taking over once again. The walls were up, and she could see she wasn’t invited within.
‘Why are you both looking as if the holidays have been cancelled?’ chirped Kaavya out of nowhere.
Kaavya, Dhruv and Harsh were back. NJ shook her head, and controlling the emotions that she’d felt in these past few minutes, she began discussing Kaavya’s purchases, the rates and the discounts. Unlike some women, NJ was not a shopaholic. However, Kaavya’s enthusiasm and fervour could get even Lady Stoneheart interested in shopping.
NJ stole a fleeting look at Rudra. He was seated on the chair across the table, his head resting in such a way that the nape of his neck was acutely visible. Though he seemed relaxed, NJ saw the flexed muscles in his arm and knew that he was still agitated. She wondered again if he had caught on to their act because of her lousy performance and vowed to put more effort. Harsh was important and she would do it for him – even if it killed her.
Just then, Rudra looked directly into NJ’s eyes, boring into them with an intensity that could control her being. She was caught in a moment, where the entire world except them seemed to dissolve into nothingness and she wanted to cling to Rudra as if he was her buoy.
Rudra suddenly looked away and her trance shattered.
‘Shall we?’ Harsh asked her with his hand outstretched. Nodding, NJ stood up to gather her bags and herself. But there was no quieting the roiling within. She wanted to ask Rudra something … She wanted to tell him something … She wanted to hear him say something … But she didn’t know what that something was. She could see Rudra had chosen silence and that cut her more than his words.
Once everyone was in the car and the chaos had died down, chaos whirled faster within NJ. She was fighting the urge to take a flight out of Phalodi and go home. Her composure was being affected and she didn’t handle it well because she had no idea how to! This had never happened before. She looked at Harsh while telling herself to stay put for his sake. As her gaze wandered from Harsh to Rudra, he met her eyes in the rear-view mirror.
Feeling extremely embarrassed, NJ looked away. She had no idea what it was about Rudra that bothered her so much, or what it was about her that Rudra despised so much. She wasn’t sure if she was getting between the two brothers. There certainly wasn’t any sibling rivalry between them.
Her next thought was jealousy. Was it possible that Rudra was jealous for having to share his brother with somebody else? The thought sounded stupid and she banished it.
Trying not to feel excited, NJ wondered if Rudra was attracted to her and that his behaviour was his defence mechanism. The thought brought a blush to her cheeks and she chastised herself. Truth be told, there was a small part of her that wanted it to be true. Actually that part of her wasn’t as small as she cared to admit!
She remembered Rudra’s behaviour when he had picked them up from the airport. He had been the epitome of politeness and graciousness. And then gradually, he had changed. Not that his behaviour was any less refined now, but it had changed into a pleasant façade. She hadn’t realized when the change had happened; she couldn’t pinpoint a particular moment. But now, she only saw loathing and despise in his eyes, all daggers directed at her.
NJ knew she had to change the way things were. Though she wasn’t sure if she needed to do it for Harsh or for herself, she knew she needed to. She couldn’t let Rudra think so little of her.
Hajime!
2 November, 2010
‘What’s up, Bhaiyya?’ Harsh looked up expectantly at Rudra and asked. ‘It’s late, I am tired … Let’s call it a night.’
Rudra was sure his little brother’s innocence was going to worsen matters here. He didn’t want to break Harsh’s heart but he had been observing Anjana, and he was certain that she didn’t have any feelings of selfless love for Harsh.
Rudra had done a lot of thinking. He had even made a list of pros and cons in his head. And he’d finally decided on having this little chat with Harsh. What he hadn’t considered was how difficult it was going to be.
Hmm … He should have thought of an opening line at least! Harsh continued to look at him and that only made it more difficult for his whizzing brain to come up with a suitable start. Rudra turned around to look out of the window to ensure that his confused feelings about Anjana were kept well-hidden too.
‘Anjana is wrong for you,’ Rudra finally managed to say.
‘Yes, I know she is elder to me, as you have very clearly pointed out a few times today! Don’t look at twenty-four and twenty-five. It’s actually just a few months,’ Harsh replied with a chuckle.
Rudra turned around and menacingly asked, ‘What?’
‘Bhaiyya, you don’t know NJ—’ Harsh began when Rudra cut him off.
‘It’s not just about the age, Harsh! You are too trusting,’ Rudra reprimanded him.
Rudra wasn’t surprised at Harsh’s reaction. His brother was a trusting fool who wore his heart on his sleeve. He’d always trusted everyone, never waiting to consider that people might not be worth his trust. But Rudra was used to looking after Harsh.
‘And you have trust issues, Bhaiyya,’ Harsh smoothly answered.
Rudra knew Harsh had hit a nerve. He knew he had trust issues – it was something that Lalita had always told him. But look where trusting Lalita had gotten him. She’d dropped him like a hot potato and walked out on him. Blind trust wasn’t something he could afford ever again.
‘Can we stay focussed here? I am trying to talk about you and Anjana,’ Rudra said.
‘Can I ask you about Lalita?’ Harsh couldn’t help himself. He’d seen Rudra and Lalita together and he’d known Rudra had been happy. Lalita had opened Rudra up in a way Harsh hadn’t known his brother could be and then, Lalita had disappeared. And even after such a long time, Rudra maintained a stubborn silence about her.
Harsh wanted to reach out to his brother. He wanted to be there for him and he wanted to make things right for Rudra. Harsh hoped that someday Rudra would open up to him … and maybe then Rudra would move on.
Rudra hadn’t expected Lalita’s name to be sprung up on him – he was gobsmacked. Controlling his frustration, he replied, ‘No, that topic is off limits. Forever.’ The hurt that he masked as rage had left scars. But he couldn’t let the wounds of his past to rule his mind right now. He couldn’t allow Harsh to be hurt. ‘Look, Harsh, I know you feel strongly for Anjana. I can see that,’ he began afresh.
Harsh looked at the sombre Rudra and nodded.
‘But whatever I am saying is only because I care for you,’ Rudra continued.
Harsh knew what Rudra meant. And for a split second, he considered telling his brother the truth about his sexuality, about NJ and Sam. But fear gripped his insides. What if Rudra didn’t understand? What if he cast him away? Or worse, what if his brother told their parents? He couldn’t take that huge a risk.
‘I understand that,’ Harsh replied.
‘All I want is for you to not be hurt,’ Rudra said.
Rudra’s mellow tone reminded Harsh of their childhood – of the times when Rudra would catch Harsh doing something wrong and instead of informing Papa, would talk Harsh through the issue like an adult.
‘A
njana might be an amazing girl. But she isn’t in love with you the way you deserve.’
Harsh was surprised to hear Rudra’s words. Unsure how to react, he remained silent.
Rudra went on, ‘I know what it is like to be alone. I know what it is like to want someone in your life. I understand what it is like to want to be with just about anyone because you can’t believe that anyone better is going to come your way.’
All Harsh could manage to think of were lame excuses. He should have prepared himself for this discussion. Argh!
‘That’s not what this is,’ Harsh mumbled.
‘Then? What is it?’ Rudra asked rhetorically. ‘This isn’t love, Harsh. You do like her, it’s evident. But you are confusing it for love. Don’t fall for her act. She is with you only because of your riches.’
‘Bhaiyya, I don’t know why you think so little of NJ,’ Harsh retorted. ‘You haven’t even tried to get to know her before making your judgment about her,’ he continued.
Harsh was hurt. Even though he and NJ weren’t really a couple and there was more than bit of truth in Rudra’s allegations, NJ was his best friend and he loved her. Not many people would have done what she was doing for him, and he loved her even more for it.
‘I didn’t need to,’ retorted Rudra. ‘I saw the way she eyed the haveli. She even told me that she would be okay with living an easy life here instead of going back to Mumbai. And, if that hadn’t been enough, she received a call from some Sam at the restaurant. And from the sound of the conversation, I just know there is something fishy between them.’
Oh Sam! Harsh cringed. ‘Sam is my friend, Bhaiyya – best buddy, in fact,’ Harsh said.
Rudra let out a sigh of exasperation. His trusting little brother was refusing to see sense. Well, he wasn’t going to give up so easily. But maybe he would have to deal with this issue more tactfully!
‘All right,’ Rudra said. ‘I will get to know your girlfriend better and spend some time with her. But if I still feel she is a gold-digger, which I am sure of, then what?’
Harsh couldn’t help but smile. He knew NJ and he knew the magic she could work on just about anyone. She was a darling, and you couldn’t help but love her once you got to know her. ‘You won’t, Bhaiyya, you won’t!’ said Harsh gleefully.
‘What are you smiling so much about?’ asked Rudra as he turned to walk out of Harsh’s room.
‘You are still in the hajime position, Bhaiyya’ Harsh managed to say while trying to keep a straight face.
Hajime, the ready-to-attack position in Gojudo, the karate form they had been trained in, had been the only hint they would give each other in their childhood before they would jump at each other’s throat with a surprising vehemence. Even though they were grown up, old habits stayed on.
Rudra smiled. He had never managed to stay mad at Harsh. Smiling slyly, he said, ‘Get lost!’
‘Love you too, Bhaiyya’ yelled Harsh as the door shut behind Rudra.
The Naked Truth
3 November, 2010
‘This is too expensive, Harsh!’ NJ said looking at the price tag of the most exquisite sari she had ever seen, held or touched.
‘And I am buying it for you,’ chirped Harsh happily.
Harsh had spoken to Sam at length this morning and the heated conversation had given way to a lot of cooing and ‘I-miss-you-too’s.
‘You have got to be kidding me!’ NJ squealed. It was a very beautiful sari, and she did like it more than the others she had seen in the shop. But she’d never be able to afford it, and if she couldn’t buy it for herself, she considered it too much for someone to spend on her.
‘Shut up and get back in your jeans,’ Harsh told her. ‘I am going to get it billed.’
As NJ entered the changing room and looked at herself in the mirror, her thoughts were suddenly disrupted by an image of Rudra. She had seen him clad in a bright red turkish towel in the morning … clad only in a bright red turkish towel. He had walked onto the terrace of his room which NJ had a clear view of from her room above. Deciding that a sneak peek at his muscled frame couldn’t hurt, she had continued to stare.
His lean frame had always been well displayed in the slim cut shirts that he wore. But to actually see him nearly naked was an exceptional experience. How she wished she could walk up to him from behind and slide her arms around him and engulf him in her embrace. She imagined herself stroking his hair and touching those curled-up ends of his hair that sat demurely on his neck. She could even smell his woody fragrance. Just when she’d decided that she would turn away from the beautiful sight of him, he had turned around and looked directly at her window.
It was almost as if he’d known she was there.
Downstairs on the terrace, Rudra had been thinking about Anjana since he’d woken up. His morning routine included a terrace session where he’d usually enjoy the newspaper with tea. Today, however, he’d been too lost to be able to focus on the worthless newspaper. His thoughts were being dominated by Anjana. He told himself that the only reason he was so obsessed with Anjana was that he was worried for Harsh and he needed to find a tactic to show Harsh the reality. However, he still couldn’t stop feeling irritated at himself for the train of his thoughts.
With the strange ache he felt, he turned around and looked at the window of Anjana’s room in hope that he might catch a glimpse of her. When he actually saw her instead of an empty window, his heart jumped. And just half-way through the jump, he killed it. Anjana disgusted him. Even though he’d hoped and wished for a glimpse of her, finding her standing there staring right at him felt wrong in so many ways. What was this woman up to?
Though he had caught her off guard, and though her brain told her to duck and save herself from more embarrassment, she couldn’t move. In the few seconds that they kept staring raptly at each other, she felt a connection between them, a connection so strong that she wanted to cling on to it for her life. Almost as instantly as this yearning had popped up into her heart, she denied it to herself. Finally, after what felt like a very long time, she had turned away from the window to give Rudra his space.
Clearing her mind, NJ walked out of the changing room with the exotic sari in tow and saw Harsh chatting with an attractive girl. They seemed comfortable with each other and had she not known Harsh was gay, she might have actually mistook this chitchat as flirtatious.
As she walked up to the duo, the girl turned towards her and smiled warmly. It was a beautiful smile that made her feel welcome.
‘NJ, this is Divya, Kaavya’s BFF. Divya, this is NJ, my girlfriend.’ Harsh introduced them.
‘It’s nice to finally meet you,’ said Divya.
When NJ looked at Harsh quizzically, Divya explained, ‘Kaavya has mentioned you a couple of times in the past two days.’
NJ smiled at Divya. She liked the people of Phalodi. They were real, like the people of Nashik. She was tired of the snobbish people in Mumbai … people who only cared about themselves and never even paused to think whether they had hurt someone or been the cause of a frown or a tear.
‘So?’ said Divya, her smile enveloping Harsh and NJ. ‘How did you guys meet? How long have you been together? And am I about to get another reason to shop after Kaavya’s wedding?’
NJ didn’t know how to handle Kaavya’s over-enthusiastic best friend. And thankfully, Harsh took over and answered all her questions in intricate detail.
The trio began to walk towards the parking lot as Harsh’s tall tales about love went into an agonizing topic – Rudra. Harsh asked Divya if there was anyone she knew that they could set Rudra up with over the next couple of days. ‘I think he’ll loosen up if he finds that special someone,’ he explained.
Divya declined the responsibility because Rudra was picky, difficult and a downright pain in the ass. From the sound of their conversation, it was certain that Divya would have made the same jokes even in Rudra’s presence.
NJ wondered again why Rudra affected her so strongly. He obviously didn’t hav
e any such effects on Divya. She had seen women ogling at him, in the shopping centre and at the restaurant. However, none of them seemed to have been as affected; they just seemed to have been presented with a visual feast.
NJ continued to look around the crowded street, pretending to window-shop to avoid being a part of Harsh and Divya’s conversation. She found it amusing that she had never felt lonely in Mumbai where she actually was alone, but with her best friend’s family, she was completely lonely. She remembered Sam’s words, ‘You don’t know what you are missing unless you see it but can’t have it.’
‘Hey, lost soul!’ said Harsh as he poked NJ back to reality. ‘Where did you get lost?’
‘Uh huh … nowhere,’ NJ replied.
Harsh wore a solemn look as he spoke, ‘Divya has planned a bachelorette party for Kaavya tonight at her house. It’s going to be girls only so I won’t be there. You mind?’
‘Of course not, you maddo,’ replied NJ with a sinking heart.
When NJ had agreed to accompany Harsh as his girlfriend, she had thought of how she was helping his friend in need. She had imagined an unsupportive family in the interiors of Rajasthan who would be too stiff to see reason. Though she had been apprehensive about her acting abilities, she had felt good about her decision.
However, it couldn’t be right if it felt so wrong now. She had come to know the people of the Ranawat family. Now, the noble act of helping a friend out had started to feel like treachery. And she knew that the more quality time she spent with the Ranawats, the more traitorous her actions would feel. Though on the outside she smiled cheerfully and hugged Divya, her gloominess within knew no bounds.
A Lot Can Happen over a Drink
3 November, 2010
‘What will you drink?’ Divya asked NJ as soon as she’d entered Divya’s room.
NJ smiled at Divya’s enthusiasm and asked, ‘What options do I have?’
Divya pointed to three bottles placed side by side on a table as she walked towards her ringing phone. NJ walked over to the bottles and decided to have wine over whisky and rum, though the bottle of twenty-five-year-old whisky tempted her sorely.