by Isha Inamdar
‘What do you mean by you didn’t know? Is this your first time here?’
‘Yes,’
‘Acha, where did you go?’
‘402.’
‘To their place?’ the guard asked. He brought his right arm to his waist, folded at the elbow, and let his hand fall, the signature gesture used for homosexual men.
‘What?’ Dhruv asked. He was certain he had misunderstood the guard.
‘Arre, you had come to visit the gay couple, Sam Saheb and Harsh Saheb, no?’
‘They are gay?’ Dhruv blurted out before he could stop himself.
Mistaking his shock for disapproval and outrage, the guard continued, ‘If it was my house, I would never have given it to them on rent. They should be arrested, not allowed to roam around in the open.’ After a dramatic pause, he continued in a hushed tone, ‘You didn’t know they are gay?’
Dhruv felt as if he had been given a 440-volt shock. Harsh, NJ’s boyfriend, was gay? For a moment he thought that maybe NJ didn’t know about Harsh’s other side, but he discarded the thought even before he’d completed it. He had always found the relationship between Harsh and NJ weird – they were more like friends than lovers. Was it possible that NJ was in on it all? With every step that he took towards the car, he grew more and more certain that Harsh and NJ were nothing but friends. Even though he was from a small town, he had never judged the gay community. But he wasn’t sure how comfortable he was with the idea of a secret gay brother-in-law. He opened the door of the car wondering what to do next.
Nothing
14 November, 2010
Rudra sat staring out of the window into nothingness. There was nothing left in him. These days, all he did was nothing. All he felt was nothing. There was a knot deep in the pit of his stomach which just wouldn’t go away. In the beginning, he had thought that the knot and all the depression he felt had been solely because of Harsh. However, he had lately begun to realize that even though Harsh was one of the reasons, he wasn’t the only reason and nor was he the major reason.
It was Anjana. He missed Anjana. He didn’t want to accept it, not even to himself. But Anjana was the reason for his mood swings, his depression and his loss of interest in life around him. He had always prided himself on being a rational man. The same rationality told him that he was being irrational about Anjana.
He had tried hard to forget her. He tried hard to concentrate on everything else other than her. Work, family, friends – nothing interested him. And as hard as he’d try to forget her, he would end up finding himself missing her.
He kept thinking about his favourite times with her. The time he had walked from the bus depot in town to the house with her. And the time he had hugged her for the first time. The times they had spent together on the various terraces in the house, eating ghevar or chatting or just staring at the sky in silence. But nothing was as special as those moments of intimacy … the kiss they’d shared … the way she’d made him feel…
He couldn’t forget Anjana’s face – it lingered in front of him all the time. He remembered everything about her – her infectious smile, her bouncy walk, her carefree attitude, her tear-filled eyes, her resigned posture. But what he had the most trouble forgetting was her last contemptuous look at him.
After everything that had happened between them and all the disgusting things he had said to her, it still somehow felt as if he had missed something. She had looked at him with utter disdain. How could she have had that look on her face if she was at fault? What was it that he had missed? The fact remained that Anjana was Harsh’s girlfriend. What more could be there to the story which could change the circumstances and explain that look?
At times, he thought that perhaps he was just being wishful. There was probably nothing more to the story and he was only making up scenarios in his head so that he had a sliver of hope. There was probably nothing more to the story. Nothing. Maybe Anjana didn’t care about right and wrong. Yeah, that was probably it. After all, this hadn’t been the first time – Harsh had caught her once before as well.
Rudra’s ringing phone brought him out of his dark thoughts. Kaavya had been calling continuously to check on him. He had made her believe that he was low because he was missing her. While he hadn’t said it in so many words, he hadn’t corrected her assumptions either.
He decided to let the phone ring. How many times could he tell her that he was okay? How many times could they share silence over the phone? He was tired and he wanted to forget the entire episode. But Kaavya’s calls wouldn’t let him. For him, she was the epitome of doing the right thing. And yet, it was her that he was avoiding.
Exasperatedly, he glanced at the ringing phone and silenced it. And like so many times, he texted Kaavya to tell her that he was okay – he had to. He couldn’t let her ask their mother to check on him and find out that he wasn’t.
Trivializing Issues
15 November, 2010
Dhruv couldn’t stop thinking about Harsh and Sam. And the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. It was Dhruv’s first day at work, and he wasn’t really expected to work. He had spent his morning meeting the team and completing induction and HR documentation processes.
‘Hi,’ said Radhika, the HR manager, as Dhruv handed her a complete set of the required documents.
‘Hello,’ he replied.
She sifted through the stack and said, ‘Wow! You seem to have everything in order. Thank you!’
When Dhruv looked a little confused, she explained, ‘This process usually takes at least two days to complete. You are one of the very few who have given me all the documents at the first go.’
Dhruv smiled, silently thanking Kaavya. Last night, when he had been collecting the documents from his various files, he had suggested taking the ones that he had found already and searching for the remaining ones later. It was their first night in the Mumbai house and he had a lot on his mind, especially his sizzling hot wife. Kaavya, however, had ensured that he had all his documents in place before they went to sleep.
‘So, am I done?’ he asked. He was in a hurry to get home to Kaavya.
‘Yes, I think you are,’ replied Radhika.
Dhruv began gathering his files to leave when Radhika said, ‘By the way, congratulations!’
Assuming that she must have read the form in the joining docket, he said, ‘Thank you.’
‘I saw your wedding pictures tagged by Sam on Facebook,’ she explained.
‘Sam?’ Dhruv asked confusedly.
‘Sam … Sameer Ahluwalia? He is an ex-employee and a good friend.’
Realizing that she was talking about the same Sam, he froze.
‘So how do you know Sam?’ she asked.
Not wanting to supply too much information to someone he didn’t know or trust, Dhruv said, ‘He’s a friend of a friend.’
‘I didn’t know Sam had straight friends too!’ she said as she cracked up at her own remark.
Laughing it off, Dhruv excused himself. That was all he needed or rather, all he hadn’t needed. He hadn’t wanted a confirmation about Sam and Harsh. Not knowing meant not rocking the boat. Now that he knew, he didn’t want to be the one breaking this news to Kaavya. However, a nagging voice within him told him that he should tell her. They were married now – he was ethically bound to be truthful about everything to her, wasn’t he?
He decided to talk to her this evening. He drove home in silence which usually helped him think straight but by the time he reached home, he had changed his mind. He didn’t want to be responsible for outing Harsh. There was one part of him which didn’t want to hide this from Kaavya. And yet, there was another part of him which supported Harsh’s secret.
Now that the initial shock had begun to wear off, the rational part of him asserted itself, making him realize that just because he’d found out that a gay person was part of his family did not mean he should be treated any differently.
And She Finds Out
15 November, 2010
/> ‘Maa, may I speak with Bhaiyya?’ screeched Kaavya into her mother’s ears over the phone.
Kaavya was tired of receiving texts saying ‘I’m okay’ from Rudra when clearly, he wasn’t. He wasn’t answering any of her calls, and she wondered if he really was as thick as he was acting. Did he really think that she would believe him based on his texts?
‘Sure, beta,’ mother said as she started walking towards Rudra’s room. ‘By the way, I am fine and so is Papa. I’m glad you asked,’ she continued.
Kaavya knew her mother was only teasing, but she also knew she should have at least asked. ‘Sorry, Maa! I just wanted to check on Bhaiyya since he isn’t answering my calls.’
‘Oh, even you?’ Maa exclaimed.
‘What do you mean?’ asked Kaavya.
‘All this while I thought he must have at least been talking to you—’
‘Maa, what’s wrong?’ cut in Kaavya, steeling herself for a blow.
‘I have no idea what is wrong, Kaavya,’ sighed Maa. ‘All I know is he doesn’t talk straight any more, doesn’t go out much and honestly, he isn’t really living any more. I can see the sadness in his eyes.’
Kaavya’s eyes filled with tears. Shakily, she asked, ‘Is it as bad as that time?’ She was referring to the time when Rudra and Lalita had parted ways.
‘I think he is worse – much worse,’ said Maa. Kaavya could hear the worry in her mother’s voice and wondered why she hadn’t made this call earlier. How could she have been so busy with her new life that she hadn’t had the time for Maa and Bhaiyya!
She heard Maa take a deep breath and then a sharp knock just before a door clicked open. She could picture Maa plastering a smile on her face and bossily entering Bhaiyya’s room. God, she missed home.
‘Hmm?’ came Rudra’s voice, and Kaavya knew he was irritated.
‘Bhaiyya, I miss you,’ she said, knowing that these words would melt Rudra’s heart in seconds.
On the other side of the phone, Rudra was disgusted with himself. He had been so consumed with his own problems that he had thought that Kaavya was calling only to check on him. She was the one who was away from home – he should have been there for her.
‘I miss you too, baby,’ said Rudra.
‘Bhaiyya, please don’t avoid me,’ said Kaavya as the first tear dropped on her cheek.
When she met with silence, she sniffled, ‘Have I done something wrong, Bhaiyya?’
Rudra hated himself for having made Kaavya cry.
‘No, Kaavya, you haven’t done anything wrong.’ It took him no time to decide that he was going to be truthful with Kaavya. ‘I have.’
Kaavya could hear the worry in Rudra’s voice. Something was wrong. And the fact that Rudra was trying to either ignore it or avoid talking about it worried her even more. She tentatively asked, ‘Bhaiyya?’
There was a long silence on the other side of the phone. She could hear Rudra breathing heavily, and she waited. She knew he would speak once he was ready.
‘Anjana and I … we … we … we kissed.’
Kaavya’s world tumbled. She felt numb. Her older brother had kissed their younger brother’s girlfriend? There was a longer silence this time and then all hell broke loose. For the first time in her life, she heard Rudra cry. She had no idea how to react to his tears when she was still trying to digest it all. Bhaiyya had kissed NJ. How? Why? When? How!
There were so many questions in her head, but the first one she blurted out without thinking was, ‘Does Harsh know?’
‘Yes, I told him,’ came Rudra’s heavy reply.
Kaavya had to sit down before she could continue the conversation. She knew Rudra too well. He wasn’t someone who would have shared a kiss without having any feelings for the woman. But this time, she hoped and prayed that he didn’t. He couldn’t.
‘Bhaiyya?’ she said, unable to ask the question.
‘Yes, Kaavya, I think I am in love with her.’
Kaavya’s tough façade cracked, and she broke down. She heard Rudra hang up on the other end, but she kept holding the phone to her ear. She collapsed on to the floor and sat with her back against the couch. She wanted to curl up and cry, but she couldn’t. She needed to handle this maturely, but all she felt was grief. It felt like her brain had just shut and all her energies were channelized towards feeling dreadful. She couldn’t envision any way in which both her brothers would be happy.
Rudra and NJ had kissed. Even if Harsh forgave NJ and they stayed together and were happy, Rudra would lose his chance at happiness. And even if Harsh broke up with NJ, Rudra would never be with her because that would hurt Harsh. At the end of it, both of them would be hurt. She had seen how Rudra had handled his break-up with Lalita, and she couldn’t bear to see him build his walls up again.
Tears started flowing down her cheeks. What would this mean for her brothers’ relationship? Harsh had faced betrayal both from his girlfriend and his brother. How was he handling it? Would Harsh be able to forgive Rudra?
She couldn’t help but wonder what kind of girl NJ was. NJ, whom Kaavya had accepted with open arms, had treated like a sister. Kaavya was livid thinking about NJ. How could she have kissed Harsh’s brother?
Out of the Closet
15 November, 2010
It had been a few hours since Kaavya had spoken to Rudra and she had spent the better part of that time crying her eyes out. She couldn’t wait for Dhruv to get home so that she could get some sound advice from him. And sound advice be damned, she needed to hear him say that everything would be okay.
At first, she’d been shattered, but then she tried to cope. She tried to move things around the house, unpack the remaining boxes, or set up the kitchen. But nothing took her mind off Rudra, Harsh and NJ. When the doorbell rang, she literally ran to get the door. Dhruv was only halfway through the door when she fell into his arms.
‘Wow, you’ve missed me a lot!’ exclaimed Dhruv. Hugging her with one arm, he used the other to shut the door. But the moment he saw her face, he knew something was wrong. Kaavya’s eyes were swollen, her nose was red and her lips quivered from duress of trying to hold herself up. But what shook him was the helplessness in her eyes.
Cupping her face in his hands, he asked, ‘What happened?’
‘Bhaiyya and NJ kissed,’ she managed to say before she began sobbing uncontrollably.
Dhruv was stumped. His wife’s family was really something!
Harsh’s gay and Harsh’s girlfriend kisses his brother. Ah, but if Harsh’s gay, it means Harsh and NJ aren’t together.
He felt better at having figured out that this family wasn’t batshit crazy after all.
‘I can’t believe this is really happening. I mean, this happens to other people, but to my family? It all feels like a nightmare and I keep hoping that I’ll wake up, but I just don’t.’
Dhruv had no idea what he should say or do. He wasn’t an expert on relationships, and certainly not on what advice to give when his wife was having the my-brother’s-girlfriend-kissed-the-other-brother situation.
‘Both my brothers are in love with the same woman, D!’ she wailed.
‘Err … wait, both?’
‘Yeah, Bhaiyya is in love with NJ too.’
Dhruv considered the situation. Poor Kaavya had no idea about Harsh’s actual orientation. Was it up to him to reveal his surreptitious relationship? In a haze, he heard Kaavya tell him how Bhaiyya was beating himself up for having kissed Harsh’s girlfriend, how it was affecting him, how worried she was that her family would fall apart – all the while thinking whether he should tell her the truth.
‘Come here, Kaavya,’ he implored, as he led her to sit on to the couch. He sat next to her and held her hand, rubbing it comfortingly to give her strength to withstand the blow he was about to deliver. ‘I need to tell you something,’ he said.
‘Can’t it wait?’ she asked, knowing that she couldn’t handle anything more right now.
‘It’s about Harsh.’
Kaavya l
ooked up in Dhruv’s eyes, hoping that it wasn’t what she thought it was. ‘Tell me Harsh’s alive,’ she shrieked.
‘Uh? Oh yes, he is very much alive. Alive and healthy and gay.’
‘Whattt?’
‘Sorry, that came out wrong,’ Dhruv said, irritated at himself for just blurting it out.
‘What do you mean by gay?’
‘Gay as in “gay”.’ When she didn’t react, he explained, ‘As in, Harsh is homosexual.’
‘But … NJ—’
‘Harsh and Sam are together, not Harsh and NJ.’
‘Oh Rama! What is going on?’ she bellowed, unable to comprehend the situation any more. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked Dhruv. This was crazy – messed-up crazy.
‘Yes.’
Kaavya stood up in disbelief. Was Harsh really gay? ‘I think you’re making a mistake, Dhruv.’
‘I’m sorry, Kaavya, I wish I was,’ he replied calmly.
Kaavya let herself go and dropped next to him on the couch.
‘Don’t you understand what this means?’ he asked.
When Kaavya shook her head, he continued, ‘It means Harsh and NJ were never together. And if NJ loves Rudra too, they can be together.’
‘Oh yes,’ she smiled thinking about Rudra. ‘But Harsh…’
‘Let’s deal with one thing at a time, Kaavya,’ Dhruv said wisely.
Nodding, Kaavya picked up her mobile phone to call Rudra.
‘What are you going to tell him?’ he asked, hoping that she wouldn’t just blurt things out, like him. Especially over the phone.
‘Nothing. I’m just going to ask Bhaiyya to fly down to Mumbai. Tomorrow.’
The Beginning of the End
16 November, 2010
Standing outside Harsh’s door with Kaavya, Rudra thought of his last meeting with Anjana. He hadn’t thought he would be standing outside Harsh’s door so soon, waiting to see Anjana. There was so much he wanted to tell her, so much he wanted to ask, and so much he wanted to hear from her. For years now, he had been unsure if he could fall in love again. He couldn’t imagine what he had been waiting for. Answers? Closure?