by Isha Inamdar
What Kaavya and Dhruv had told him about Harsh was a revelation. He hadn’t decided how he was going to deal with it because all he could think of was Anjana.
He took a hesitant step back from the door when Kaavya looked up at him. She could sense a familiar struggle in him. She had been going through the same thing, unsure if she should treat this as good news or bad. But one look at Rudra and she knew something about him was different. He was different – he was smiling. It was nervous but it was the most beautiful smile ever. It had only been a week since the wedding, but he looked so different.
Harsh opened the door expecting it to be the delivery guy with the food he’d ordered. When he saw his siblings instead, he froze.
‘Hi Harsh,’ said Kaavya, breaking the ice and entering the apartment. Harsh and Rudra followed her in.
‘Hey guys! What a surprise,’ said Harsh, trying hard to sound happy and excited about seeing them and failing miserably.
Rudra and Kaavya didn’t say anything and Rudra stared at the floor, trying to control his emotions.
‘Where is NJ?’ Kaavya asked.
‘Uh? I don’t know. Why?’
‘You have never been a good liar, Harsh,’ Kaavya chided, shaking her head with disappointment. ‘Though you did manage to fool all of us with your NJ story. You and your Sam! But don’t bother to, any more.’
Harsh sat down on the couch looking like someone who’d just lost everything. He looked just like a child about to cry. Looking at him, Rudra and Kaavya both knew that they would support Harsh in the end – they always had.
‘Bhaiyya … I …’ started Harsh, faltering under Rudra’s stare and lowering his eyes. ‘I am sorry, Bhaiyya,’ he finally managed to say in a small voice.
‘What are you sorry about, Harsh?’ Kaavya bellowed. ‘Are you sorry for being gay? Or you are sorry that we found out? Or sorry for lying to us all about your relationship with NJ?’ She walked up to Harsh and delivered the final blow standing in front of him. ‘Or are you sorry for letting Bhaiyya kill himself with guilt every moment of the day, thinking that not only had he kissed your girlfriend but was in love with her too?’
Rudra stood silently, half hoping to see Anjana walk out of one of the doors.
‘Love?’ Harsh asked, looking again from Kaavya to Rudra and back. He wasn’t sure he had heard right.
‘Why does that surprise you?’ asked Kaavya.
‘But I asked him! I asked him and he said no!’ explained Harsh.
‘He should have just said, “Yes Harsh, I am in love with your girlfriend.” Right?’ she asked.
Harsh couldn’t take it any longer. His brother and sister were here and they knew he was gay. Bhaiyya was in love with NJ, and Harsh hadn’t realized that he must have been hurting about what had happened. He needed Sam, or even NJ, and neither were there. Tears started cascading down his cheeks, and he had no idea what would happen next.
‘Please don’t tell Maa and Papa, Bhaiyya,’ he pleaded. His only nightmare was about to come true. He had never wanted his family to find out about his orientation because he couldn’t stand to lose them. And now, he probably would. The tears fell harder, turning his sniffles into gasping sobs.
Kaavya could see Rudra softening at the tears, and it exasperated her. ‘Just how selfish are you?’ she asked Harsh. But she realized that attacking him wouldn’t help, she softened too and said, ‘We will discuss your issues later, Harsh. Right now, tell us, where is NJ?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Harsh.
‘When will she be back?’ questioned Kaavya.
‘I don’t know,’ he repeated.
‘What do you mean?’ asked Rudra.
It was the first time Rudra had spoken since they had entered Harsh’s apartment. And he was surprised to hear his own voice. It was different. Smaller, which was unlike him. Worried, which was unlike him. Melodramatic, which was unlike him.
Anjana affects me in ways I didn’t think were possible, he thought, smiling to himself.
‘She lives here with you, right?’ asked Kaavya.
‘Yes, but she hasn’t been home since we came back from Turkey yesterday.’
Confusion and concern clouded Kaavya’s face. ‘NJ hasn’t been home since yesterday and you don’t find that odd?’
‘We returned late last night and she wasn’t here. She must have gone to play at some gig and crashed there after the party,’ he defended himself. Seeing that his sister still hadn’t understood, he added, ‘She does that often, you know.’
‘Okay, can you call her?’ Kaavya asked, glancing at Rudra. She could see Rudra getting worked up at the thought of meeting her.
‘Don’t tell her we are here – just ask her when she’ll be home,’ she instructed.
Harsh picked his phone and before dialling NJ’s number sent a quick text to Sam saying, ‘Bhaiyya and Kaavya are here. They know.’ While Kaavya was busy talking to Rudra in hushed tones, he dialled NJ’s number. He was surprised to hear the system message telling him that the number was switched off.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Kaavya.
‘Her phone is switched off,’ answered Harsh. Because his siblings wouldn’t understand the magnitude of this unless he explained, ‘Her phone is never off.’
‘All right,’ Kaavya said as she got comfortable on the couch next to Harsh.
Rudra settled down at the dining table. He looked around, taking it all in. This was where Anjana lived. This was Anjana’s home. Right now for him, being in Anjana’s house was like being connected with her. Now all he had to do was wait. It had merely been eight days since the fateful day, but it had felt like forever to him. Waiting wasn’t something he was good at.
‘No, it’s not all right. You don’t get it. Her phone is never switched off,’ Harsh said.
‘What do you mean? Stop fussing about her phone,’ Kaavya reprimanded him. She tried to calm down and asked, ‘When did you speak to her last?’
‘I haven’t spoken to her since she left from Phalodi,’ clarified Harsh.
Kaavya shook her head in disbelief. Even though she knew Harsh was lazy and carefree, his carelessness shocked her.
Rudra could hear the panic in Harsh’s voice. Telling himself that Harsh was probably overreacting as usual, he waited.
After trying Anjana’s switched-off number a few more times, Harsh checked with Sam in the hope that he may know her whereabouts. But Sam too hadn’t spoken to NJ since she’d left Phalodi. While Harsh had been extremely mad at NJ for not having told him about the kiss, it didn’t mean he had stopped caring about her. He now wished he had called her once, even if it had been to give her a piece of his mind.
Harsh opened the door to Anjana’s room and looked around for clues to her whereabouts. One look at the clothes lying on her bed and he knew the bed hadn’t been slept in since they’d left for Phalodi. He remembered their last-minute discussion about the Phalodi weather and she had removed the sweatshirt from her bag and thrown it across the room onto the bed. It was still lying there in the exact same position. Her ironed clothes that had come back from the laundry probably after they’d left were on the other side of the bed, probably where Sam had left them.
The bag she’d carried to Phalodi was there, but it hadn’t been unpacked yet. All of her belongings were there, but there was something wrong. And then he saw it, her handbag, something she never went out without. Something was wrong, he realized. She had come home from Phalodi but hadn’t slept in. She hadn’t unpacked. She had gone out without her handbag. Her phone was switched off. Something was terribly wrong.
Alerted by Harsh’s cries, Rudra and Kaavya rushed to the bedroom. Harsh sat huddled on Anjana’s bed, his body shaking with his irrepressible crying.
‘Tell me, Harsh! Where the HELL is Anjana?’ yelled Rudra. It was unlike him to lose his temper like this, but there was nothing normal about this time or situation. Hell, it was as abnormal, unexpected and badly timed as it could get!
Harsh continued to sob unco
ntrollably and muttered something incoherent.
‘Harsh, get a grip!’ bellowed Kaavya.
Hearing his sister’s voice startled Harsh and he looked up as if surprised to see her standing there. ‘Bhaiyya, I really didn’t know if you would understand. Please try to understand,’ pleaded Harsh to his elder brother. Harsh continued to whimper while he tried to look at Rudra’s furious face.
All Rudra could think about was Anjana. He knew he was being selfish; he knew he might have reacted quite differently to this predicament if Anjana hadn’t been involved. But right now, everything was a haze. He started pacing the room while silently beseeching Kaavya to handle Harsh.
Kaavya was torn between her own principles and her love for her baby brother. She stopped herself from saying ‘How could you!’ and instead patiently asked him, ‘Harsh, we can talk about all this later. We definitely will. But right now, we need to find Anjana. Before she does anything stupid. Do you want that?’
Rudra shut his eyes. He couldn’t bear to imagine Anjana hurting herself. Just the thought enraged him enough to turn around and give Harsh a searing look – and then he softened. Didn’t he know what a sentimental fool his younger brother was? Hadn’t he told Harsh off a million times for wearing his heart on his sleeve?
Rudra heard Harsh say, ‘No, Kaavya, I don’t want that. I do love her, you know.’
Rudra couldn’t help but let out a sigh.
‘But I really don’t know where she might have gone.’
Lovestalgia
16 November, 2010
Rudra and Kaavya decided to crash at Harsh’s for the night. Calls had been made to Anjana’s friends and associates, but no one knew where she was. Most of them hadn’t even heard from her since she had left for Rajasthan.
Rudra knew something was wrong, and he blamed Harsh for it all. How could he have planned the elaborate lie? How could he have let him feel guilty for sharing the kiss with Anjana? How could he not have checked on Anjana after she left Phalodi? It was all Harsh’s fault.
But you wouldn’t have met her either had it not been for Harsh’s elaborate lie, a small voice in his head rebuked.
He knew it wasn’t entirely Harsh’s fault, but he needed someone to put the blame on. He needed someone to hate, and Harsh was the perfect scapegoat. He was tired of tossing and turning on the couch. He couldn’t sleep. Hell, he couldn’t lie still. Every time he had thought about Anjana and the kiss, he had reprimanded himself. He had hated himself for having loved it. He had felt ashamed for having acknowledged it as the most beautiful moment of his life. He had admonished himself for falling in love with her.
But now, it was all different. This was the first time he was looking back at the incident and smiling. He was in love with Anjana and he knew she loved him too. He had misunderstood her actions and her words before and he now understood what she had really meant. After the kiss, when she’d asked him to talk to Harsh, he had thought she was crazy. Now, he finally understood what she had been talking about. Even her scalding look made sense now. He had used uncouth words for her, something he was going to have to apologise to her for!
I am ready to apologize to you every single day of my entire life, Anjana! he thought, in hope that she would telepathically hear his plea and come home.
How was he supposed to have understood her back then? Couldn’t she just have come out with the truth? And, why had she run away? He was certain she had had feelings for him – their passionate kiss was proof. But why hadn’t she tried to talk to Harsh and him and explained it all? Why had she run away?
Where are you, Anjana? Where have you disappeared to?
Crossing the Bridge
17 November, 2010
It was early in the morning and everyone was just getting up, though none of them had really slept. Kaavya had crashed in NJ’s bedroom and hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her. She had once cursed NJ for being a shameless woman who’d kissed her boyfriend’s brother. Now that she’d found out the complete story, she realized NJ was an exceptional person and a true friend.
NJ could have easily told Rudra the truth and cleared the air. But she hadn’t. She had kept her promise to Harsh and let her heart break instead. Pondering gloomily, Kaavya, walked out of NJ’s bedroom.
Sam handed Rudra a cup of coffee and sat next to him. Rudra was behaving extremely cold to both Harsh and Sam. They had profusely apologized to Rudra for the misunderstandings and the confusion. Sam had also tried in vain to explain just how important NJ was to him and that he cared as much about her as everybody else in the room. Maybe more than some, he thought, but didn’t say out loud. However, Rudra seemed to be holding a grudge against him – a grudge he wasn’t ready to let go off yet. He decided to take the high road and give the hurting Rudra time to cope with the situation.
‘So, what do we do next?’ Sam asked. He was hoping that Rudra wouldn’t be a jerk and let their personal differences come in way of the search for NJ.
There was silence. Nobody wanted to say it out loud, but everybody was thinking along the same lines. Was it time to file a missing person’s complaint? Was NJ missing, or had she just left for someplace else on her own accord? Everyone drank their coffee in silence, thinking about what could be done next and coming up with nothing.
‘Harsh, why don’t you check with Stash?’ suggested Sam.
‘Stash?’ Harsh asked, surprised at Sam’s suggestion.
Stash aka Satish was a ‘blood-sucking scoundrel’ NJ hated. He loved NJ’s work and had offered her a few gigs that could make her career. He had the best gigs and the biggest parties across the world. However, his offers came with conditions attached! The last time when he had offered NJ to play at a party in the Phi Phi Islands, he had suggested that she work at night and spend the days with him in their room.
NJ had flipped at the idea of sharing a room with him, let alone having a physical relationship with him. She had become a deejay because she loved music and she loved mixing it. Even though she’d wanted to make it big in the industry, she wasn’t someone who would sleep her way up.
‘You kidding me?’ asked Harsh, pissed off at the suggestion Sam was making. ‘You know NJ! She wouldn’t have…’
‘Do you have better ideas?’ asked Sam. He knew NJ wouldn’t normally work with Stash. But he also knew that desperate times called for desperate measures. He wasn’t sure just how desperate NJ had been when she had returned to Mumbai. Also, he didn’t want to leave any stone unturned in their search for NJ.
‘No, I don’t,’ said Harsh, ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m going to call Stash.’
‘Who is Stash?’ asked Rudra. While Harsh brought Rudra and Kaavya up to speed on Stash and his ways, Sam made a few calls around the circuit.
‘There are a few clubs in south Mumbai where NJ has worked a few gigs,’ Sam informed the trio as he hung up on his last call. ‘We should check them out. Maybe someone there knows something,’ he added.
The doorbell rang and three pairs of eyes turned hopefully towards the door as Sam opened the door.
‘Hey guys,’ said Dhruv, walking in with breakfast for everyone. They looked thankful at the mere sight of food and Sam and Dhruv took to the task of dishing the food out.
‘You okay?’ asked Dhruv.
‘Yep,’ said Sam in a clipped tone.
‘I just want you to know, I support Harsh and you,’ said Dhruv and walked away with the tray full of food.
Sam liked Dhruv. He was a nice guy. They had hit it off pretty well even at the wedding. And just days after his wedding, here he was, showing his support to his gay brother-in-law’s boyfriend. Suddenly, everything seemed brighter. ‘There is coffee in the pot if anyone wants,’ he announced as he joined the others.
‘So what is the POA now?’ asked Dhruv.
‘I am making a list of the places we haven’t been able to connect over phone,’ replied Sam. ‘NJ has played a few gigs at these places and there is a chance that someone there might know where she i
s.’
Dividing the list as per location, they decided to split up and check them out. Since Sam and Harsh knew the city, Rudra and Sam left in Sam’s car while Harsh and Kaavya were to leave with Dhruv. All day long, they went to clubs and lounges and even bistros to ask the managers and DJs if they knew where NJ could be. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, they weren’t any wiser about NJ’s whereabouts.
Over dinner, Rudra informed the others that he was planning on checking in into a hotel. He had always been someone who didn’t like others, even family, to go through any added trouble on his account. And here he was, disrupting the lives of his siblings. ‘I don’t want to end up becoming a burden for you guys,’ he’d said.
‘Yes, Rudra, we are gay,’ Sam roared suddenly. ‘And Harsh lied to you and your family because he was scared you wouldn’t understand. He was scared about losing you all and about being disowned. But he is still your brother and this is still his house. And if my being here is such a big problem, I’ll stay at a friend’s place. But you are not going to go stay in a hotel.’
Harsh and Kaavya stared open-mouthed from Sam to Rudra and back. No one had ever dared to speak to Rudra like that. Either Sam was about to get beaten-up or this day was about to go down in history.
‘You are misunderstanding me…’ Rudra tried to explain.
‘Are you telling me that if it had not been for my existence, you would have still chosen to stay in a hotel instead of Harsh’s place? Do I look that dumb?’ Sam sliced in.
‘No. But…’ Rudra tried once again.
‘We can sort our issues out later. For now can we only and only focus on getting NJ back home?’ Sam said exasperatedly with a raised voice.
In a meek voice, Rudra said, ‘Looking at our progress I’m beginning to think it might take some time to find Anjana.’
‘And because we are just her friends and love her in a different capacity, our search has an expiry date?’