As I Am

by David B. Jai

  When Toe’s behavior changed, I knew that it had something to do with me. Maybe I should have responded to his phone calls or perhaps made up with him. Did I cause this?

  “Toe is currently unconscious due to a medically-induced coma,” she said, “so you may not be able to talk to him, but the doctor says that he can hear you.”

  “I did not know that he was unconscious, Mrs. St. James.” Feeling hurt, sad, and disappointed, I could sense my temperature start to rise, and my nose started to sniffle. However, I managed to fight back the tears, as I didn’t want his mother to think that I was weak. Toe’s mom continued to drive to the hospital. While driving, I noticed a Miki Howard CD playing. The song “Come Share My Love” started playing. As I listened to each word, Miki sang, all I could do was think about Toe. I wondered how Miki could know what it was that I was thinking. Toe said to always have a song for each situation. Perhaps, this is the song that would be my anthem for Toe.

  As Miki was singing, I thought, could I give my heart to Toe? What will mom say? I couldn’t possibly imagine life without him, especially after my last session with Dr. Blackmon. I managed to muster up the strength, and I convinced myself that if Toe makes it out of this situation, then yes, he could have my heart. I was finally ready. Yeah, I am available for love. I’m ready for love with Toe. I want Toe to love me. I started to feel a sense of joy bubbling up on the inside of me. I got excited, as I couldn’t believe that I was ready to be loved by a guy.

  * * *

  We arrived at the hospital and went up to the second floor to his room. As I opened the door, I took a deep breath. Toe was lying in bed with tubes going in him. A ventilator was breathing for him. There were IVs everywhere. Toe look like he was sleeping, but he didn’t look the same. His hair was longer than usual, and there were dark bags under his eyes.

  “Hi, Toe! I’m back,” his mother said, but Toe did not move or flinch. “I have Darnell from up the street with me.”

  I didn’t know what to say, but I knew that I needed to say something. I leaned over his bed and said, “Yo, bro! It’s Darnell, you’ve got to wake up, man, we’ve got a lot of things to do.”

  Still, Toe did not move.

  “Toe, we’re going to be here for a while, OK?” his mom said.

  Toe laid there like he was in a deep sleep. His mother and I started making small talk while we turned on the TV.

  “You know, Darnell, Toe has offers from UCLA, Duke, and other colleges to play basketball. I simply can’t understand how this could happen.”

  “Mrs. St. James, research shows that individuals between the ages of eighteen through twenty-four are at the greatest risk of suicide. Factors such as bullying, sadness, a loss of friends, and other factors can lead to a person to want to end their life.”

  “Darnell, you speak very well. What do you plan on doing once you leave high school?”

  “I plan to study psychology at my dream school, the University of Notre Dame. After I get my bachelor’s, I plan on entering medical school and becoming a psychiatrist.”

  “Such high ambitions for a young man, Darnell. I follow the zodiac; what is your birth month?”

  I thought the question was rather bizarre because, typically, zodiac theories don’t prove anything. “My birth month is July. And I was born on July 13th.”

  “Are you kidding me? What a coincidence. Toe’s birthday is July 18th. You both are Cancers, and it’s no wonder that you both get along so well.”

  Toe and I had not discussed our birthdays. Yet we were born in the same month just three days apart. Maybe that is why we are so close, and perhaps there is some validity in the zodiac signs.

  After the small talk, we sat back and began to watch TV. The door opened, and it was one of the doctors. I always admired doctors, especially with their lab coats, and it appeared that they knew everything about the human body – their aura, a certain arrogance to doctors that turned me on.

  “Hi, Mrs. St. James. How is Toe doing tonight? Has he opened his eyes yet?”

  “No, not yet. The family is praying.”

  “We gave him medication to reverse the coma hours ago, and he should be awake now.”

  “Toby, can you hear me If so, squeeze my hands,” the doctor said. But there was still no response. “Well, his vitals and his reflexes are good. We’ll just have to keep monitoring him. Mrs. St. James, I know that this is a difficult time. But do you have any inclination as to why Toe would resort to this?”

  “No, sir. It is driving us crazy. He is a good kid with a bright career in basketball. We are at a complete loss.”

  “OK, if there are any changes, please alert the nurse,” he said, as he walked out the door.

  “Darnell, this is such a bizarre mystery,” Mrs. St. James said. “Now, look at my baby, laying over there with possible swelling on the brain. Will he ever be the same?”

  I didn’t respond but nodded like I understood.

  The hour was getting late, and Mrs. St. James was preparing to leave for the night. I observed her grabbing her purse and her car keys.

  “Well, Darnell, are you ready. I will drop you off at home?”

  “Mrs. St. James, if possible, would you mind if I spent the night at the hospital?” I asked as I didn’t have any plans for the next day.

  “Darnell, that would be wonderful. But call your mother and make sure she’s OK with it.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I called Mom and explained that I wanted to stay in the hospital next to Toe, that maybe he’d wake up when no one else is around, and I wanted someone to be there just in case he came out of his coma. I didn’t want him to feel isolated and alone, but I wanted him to know that someone was in his presence that loved him.

  After getting drilled by my mother with her fifty million questions, she stated yes that I could stay. Mrs. St. James left, and it was just Toe and me alone in the hospital room. I dozed off after watching TV for a few hours. I was nodding off when I heard one of the nurses check Toe’s vitals. In a daze and wiping in my eyes, I looked and asked, “Any changes yet?”

  “No, not yet. Toby squeeze my hand if you can hear me,” the nurse said. Still, there was no response. The nurse updated his chart left the room.

  All of a sudden, a strange sensation came upon me – I had a feeling that Toe might die. I stood over Toe, observing his body, then my emotions just burst. Leaning over his bedside, I began to say, “Toe, I’m sorry that our road has led you to be in the hospital. Sometimes, man, I am just so damn stubborn. I often don’t like myself. Bro, you taught me so much. You taught me how to live, learn and laugh. You have been my inspiration, and all I’ve done is shut you out and treated you like you were meaningless. I don’t know how to treat you because I’ve never met anyone like you before. I promise you that if you come out of this, I would never push you aside again. Toe, I promise to be by your side no matter what may come our way. I am so tired of hurting, and I’m tired of hurting the people around me. I just want you to come back. God, please let him come back. If so, I would not take our friendship for granted. I would love, honor and cherish him. Please, God, let Toe come back. I am so tired of running from love, and now I know the true face of love. I love you, Toby St. James, and want us to be together for life. Please open your eyes and squeeze my hands to let me know that you hear me. Please, Toe, please.”

  However, there was still no response. Toe had not heard my petition.

  I sat down in a chair to pull myself together. I thought about how my emotions and choice of words expressed what I was feeling. I wondered where I got those words. It didn’t matter because, for the first time, I felt free on the inside. I felt like running and jumping because I finally embraced what I was feeling. I thought, wow, I am enjoying the good feelings.

  “Young man, young man,” a male voice said after I dozed off to sleep in the chair. I looked up to see an extreme
ly handsome older man with a bag from McDonalds in his hand. Puzzled by his presence, he said. “I am John St. James, Toby’s dad.”

  I immediately jumped up and greeted him. “Hello, I’m Darnell, Toe’s friend.”

  “Ruth told me that you would be here, so I thought I would bring you breakfast. I can’t stay as long as I am on my way to work.”

  “Mr. St. James, unfortunately, there have not been any changes. Nurses were in and out all night long, and his vitals have been stable.”

  “Thanks for the update, Darnell. Toe’s attempted suicide is so puzzling and traumatic. Here is my phone number. Please call me if there are any changes. If you receive any calls from the media, please notify me at once.”

  “Yes, sir. I understand.” I said.

  Mr. St. James left the room, and I started the chow down on the sausage biscuit.

  It was still early in the morning, and despite not having any clothes to change into, I noticed Brandy’s CD “Never Say Never” was on the nightstand. I popped it in and the song, “Have You Ever!” started to play. I got a little nostalgic and started crying because I wasn’t there for my friend when he needed me. What would life be without Toe? Then suddenly, it hit me like a Mac truck. Brandy is in love with a guy, but he doesn’t know it. She’s just looking for an open door to tell him how she feels: Have you ever searched for words to get into their heart, but you don’t know what to say, and you don’t know where to start?

  Oh my gosh, he was talking about me! All along he’s been trying to tell me that he has feelings for me. He’s trying to get my attention, and as a last resort, he kissed me to let me know how he felt. How did I miss the signs?

  I got out of the bathroom and turned the TV on to “MTV Jams.” Whitney Houston was singing, “Saving All My Love For You.” I turned up the volume and started imagining that I was singing to Toe.

  “Bro, turn it up,” a voice said.

  I thought Mr. St. James and came back into the room. I looked around, but no one was there. Toe was lying quietly in his bed. I thought I imagined things, so I ignored the voice and continued singing, “Cause tonight is the night that I’m feeling alright we’ll be making love the whole night through. So I’m saving all my love for you.”

  “Darnell, turn it up, bro.”

  Suddenly I turned and looked in the direction where Toe was. He was awake. I ran over to the bed and grabbed him and hugged him. “Toe, Toe, you’re awake. I can’t believe it; you came back!” I said with big smiles of jubilation on my face.

  “Bro, I didn’t go anywhere,” he said, mumbling.

  “I have to call your parents and tell your parents what has happened.” I signaled for a nurse and called Toe’s mom and dad.

  Suddenly the nurse chimed in, “This is the nurses’ station; how may I help you.”

  “Toby is awake and is responding!”

  “I’m walking in the room right now.”

  The nurse checked his vitals they were excellent, and she would get in contact with the doctor and the psychiatrist immediately.

  “Psychiatrist? I don’t need a shrink. plus, I’ve got Darnell with me if I did,” Toe said, laughing.

  “Mr. St. James, it is to protect someone after they attempt suicide.”

  Toe stared at the nurse and then began to sit up in bed as if he was upset. “Suicide!” Toe said in a louder voice.” I didn’t try to commit suicide, Darnell, what is she talking about, bro?”

  “Toe, the toxicology report said that you overdosed on Percocet pills, and your mother found you on the floor with painkillers beside you.”

  “No, no, no, you all have it all wrong. I injured my leg and basketball practice, and it was hurting badly. I took three pills, and nothing happened. I was still in pain. I took three more pills, and I was still in pain. Then I ended up here at the hospital.”

  “Well, Mr. St. James, you overdosed,” the nurse said in disbelief. “The doctor will be in shortly to talk to you about what happened. However, I will update your chart and reflect on what you have informed me.”

  I looked at Toe. Those juicy pink lips. I started to smile from ear-to-ear because not only did God hear me, but He also answered my prayers.

  Toby looked up at me with those deep, dark brown eyes in those thick bushy eyebrows. “Bro, what the fuck are you smiling for?”

  “Because you are back. You came back to me, bro,” I said, still smiling.

  “Oh, that’s how you feel. By the way, I heard everything that you said last night too. You know the doctor said I could hear, right?”

  Feeling somewhat embarrassed, I didn’t know how to respond. For the first time in years, I was dumbfounded. I ended up saying, “Whatever I said was true, bro!”

  “Oh, do you think that I’m gay or something, huh, Darnell?” Toe asked.

  “Well yeah, I missed all the signs, the music, the kiss, and the song, ‘Have You Ever.’”

  “Bro, you got to leave right now. I’m not gay, partna! I don’t know how in the fuck you could have got that conclusion,” Toe said, lowering his voice. “What do you think that I’m a homosexual, looking for a career in the NBA? And what makes you think, if I was homosexual, that I would be chasing after you?”

  How could I have got it wrong? Was I desiring a relationship with Toe all alone? I felt embarrassed and disappointed. My sense of judgment was way off base, and now I had lost a friend because of it. My heart sank and broke.

  “I understand, bro.” I went over by the chair, gathering things and preparing to leave. “I am glad that you are awake,” I said as tears started to stream down my cheeks. I headed for the door. “My bad bro. I never meant you any harm. Good luck with your career. See you around.”

  “Probably not!” Toe yelled.

  I grabbed the door handle and opened the door about to walk out of the room. It’s funny because during my time of crisis, I did not even stop to think about PTSD. Also, I didn’t look up and down the hallways to see if I saw my dad. It didn’t matter to me. All that mattered at that particular time was that I had misjudged my friend, called him a homosexual, and now I had lost him forever. Nothing else mattered.

  As I was leaving, I heard, “Darnell, you better not walk out on me again, motherfucker,” Toe said, raising his voice.

  I turned around and looked at him.

  “Bro, I’m not playing! Get your ass back in here,” Toe said, demanding.

  I couldn’t imagine what Toe wanted. Did he want to kill me or hit me in my mouth for saying that he’s gay? I didn’t know what to do.

  “Darnell, I promise if you walk out on me again, then I am dead to you. You can’t keep playing with my feelings, bro.”

  “You told me to leave.”

  “Stop, Darnell! I have feelings, too, and you took advantage of them by ignoring my calls and not wanting anything to do with me. Man, I broke up with Rochelle to be with you because we were spending so much time together.”

  Astonished by the words that I heard him say, I continued to stand in the doorway, speechless.

  “See Darnell, that’s how it feels when you kick someone out of your life. Without a sign or warning. It’s so unfair and so damn selfish of you to do that.”

  “Toe, I am so sorry for doing that to you.”

  “I wanted you to feel the pain that you caused me so that you wouldn’t ever repeat it again. Darnell, if we’re going to be together, you got to stop running when you don’t get your way or get scared. Stop shutting me out. I want to be there. I told you that I would lay my life down for you, and I meant it, man. I want to be with you and only you. I heard everything that you told me last night. I tried to wake up, but I couldn’t, and it pains me to see that you were standing over me crying, and I couldn’t be there to rescue you.”

  I began to cry, realizing that my narrow roads had ended here in the hospital with Toe. At that point, I relinquis
hed everything. I promised God that I would never walk out on this man’s life again, and I meant that. It was going to be a journey with him learning how to love me and me learning how to enjoy the same sex. However, he made me happy, and what counted was my happiness. What about me? What about how I feel? I wanted to be with him regardless of the circumstances or situations. I loved Toe, and I hoped we’d be together for a lifetime.

  “Now, come over here and let me feel those lips,” Toe said.

  I began to smile, probably the biggest smile I’ve ever had. I felt like Toe loved me and wanted to get to know me for who I am. I closed the door and ran into his arms while he was lying in bed.

  We kissed for what seemed like an eternity. The kissed felt so amazing, and I began to open my heart to allow Toe in. I felt terrific, thankful and blessed.

  Chapter Fifteen

  After Toe’s discharge from the hospital, we were virtually inseparable. I went to basketball practice with him, and he went to museums with me. We decided to enter into a committed relationship; however, since this was both our first relationship with a male, we decided to take baby steps. We had casual conversations regarding sex but had not engaged in the activity. A few times, Toe kissed me and then laid on top of me, but we went no further. One time he discovered that I had a hot spot on my neck. He would kiss my neck so much that I had an orgasm in my pants. I was extremely embarrassed.

  One of my favorite places was the Belvedere in downtown Louisville. This spot hosted a lot of community events, festivals, as well as ice-skating. It was a big open space with waterfalls. However, the most prominent feature was the platform overlooking the Ohio River straight into Indiana. At night, the bridge linking the states of Kentucky and Indiana lit up in fluorescent purple lights.

  While sitting on the Belvedere, we talked about going to colleges and perhaps how we would deal with space between us.