As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “Darnell, have you decided what college to go to?” Toe asked.

  “Well, I’ve always dreamed of going to the University of Notre Dame. It’s expensive, and I don’t have enough money to attend. I’ve received scholarships, but that only covers a part of my tuition. However, if that doesn’t work, I will attend Purdue University or the University of Kentucky. I just don’t want to be too far from home.”

  “Yeah, Notre Dame has a good basketball team and a point guard by the name of Kwazi Phillips. He is a bad boy and eventually is going to take them into the Final Four championships. I’ll see him in the NBA. I hope you can come up with the additional money to attend, heck, if I had it I would give it to you. I just know, you better not be messing with any other guys while you are there,” Toe said, smiling.

  “Bro, we are committed for life, my guy. Toe, I know that you have many options, where do you think you would go.”

  “Well, I wanted to go to UCLA, but I think that’s too far for my family as well. I’m considering Georgetown, Duke, or the University of Michigan.”

  “So, if you go to Michigan, you won’t be far from me. We can visit on the weekends on your off-seasons.”

  “Darnell, that’s a good idea. Or you can stay and go to UCLA with me. I want the best exposure that would give me the best opportunity to get into the NBA.”

  I began thinking of my PTSD and how I would miss being with my family. I wasn’t willing to go that far. However, I didn’t want Toe to know what I was thinking.

  “I’m open to anything with you just as long as we can be together,” I said, hiding my feelings.

  Toe looked me in my eyes, licked his juicy lips, leaned over, and kissed me in public. However, before he did, he ensured that no one could see us.

  “Damn, bro. What was that for?” I asked in amazement.

  “Darnell, that’s because I love you, and I want us to be together forever,” Toe said.

  Gazing into his deep brown eyes, thinking about Toe almost dying and helping me overcome my PTSD, I said, “I love you more than words can say.” I leaned forward and kissed him on his lips. We hugged for several minutes afterward.

  “Darnell, I promise I will take care of you for the rest of your life,” Toe said sincerely.

  “I know, babe, I know.”

  The hour was getting late, and we decided to head back home.

  I felt like a caged bird released into freedom for the first time. I said to myself, Damn, it feels good to be in love, especially when someone loves you back.

  * * *

  Early the next morning, Toe called me and told me that he would hang out later because he was helping his neighbors move. Toe had a kind heart and was always looking to lend a helping hand wherever he could. I asked if he needed any help, but he insisted that everything was under control. He said that he would give me a call as soon as they finished moving and perhaps we could watch a movie later at his house. That was fine because I had some things to get done around the house anyway.

  Toe’s family liked me and accepted me as part of the family, mainly since I stayed with him during his hospital stay. However, his mother questioned Toe about the whereabouts of Rochelle, but Toe ignored her. On occasion, I would go to dinner with his family. It amazed me that his family was oblivious to us as lovers, especially when he ran his hands on my thighs while sitting at the dinner table.

  While Toe was away, I figured I’d wash clothes and clean up my room. I also needed to catch up on my readings, as I was in the middle of “Giovanni’s Room” by James Baldwin. This novel dealt with a gay black guy in 1950 dealing with sexual orientation frustrations and developing same-sex relationships. I made a cup of cherry Kool-Aid with plenty of sugar and curled up in my bed. While reading, my mind became bombarded with thoughts of Toe. What would making love be like with him? Who would be on the top, and who would be on the bottom? Will it hurt? How would I feel after we did it? I talked myself into an erection. My penis was swelling extremely hard. I started rubbing and imagined sex with Toe. But then I stopped because I wanted the moment to be special between us. I wondered if he often masturbated or even thought about sex as much as I did.

  “Darnell, Toe is on the phone,” Mom said, interrupting my thoughts.

  I jumped out of bed, realizing that I had fallen asleep.

  “Yo, what’s up, Toe,” I said with a cracking voice.

  “What’s up, Bo! You ready? We’re done over here.”

  “Yeah, I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

  “All right, cool. See you in a few.”

  As he was hanging up the phone, I wondered why he was calling me Bo. He knows my name. Did he mean to call someone else? I threw on a pair of jeans with an oversized red tank top and some Nike sneakers, and I went over to Toe’s apartment. His apartment building is similar to ours, but the only difference is their building has a basement apartments and ours doesn’t. Toe opened the door and he looked terrific, wearing some lime green basketball shorts with the Chicago Bulls red and black Jersey.

  “Hey, what’s up, baby?” Toe said.

  I was so amazed at how he looked I almost forgot the Bo ­comment. “Bro, who is Bo? You called me another dude’s name at the end of our conversation.”

  Toe begin to laugh, and I just stared at him, waiting for an answer. I tried to give him a stern look, but it didn’t work. His laughter was very contagious, and mentally I started laughing.

  “Bro, are you that fresh, Darnell?”

  I couldn’t comprehend what Toe is asking me. “What do you mean am I that fresh? What does that have to do with you calling me Bo?”

  “OK, Darnell, instead of calling you my Boo, I called you my Bo! Because everyone knows that Boo means my girl or my dude or my lover. That is my code name to symbolize that you belong to me, and we are in a relationship, baby. It’s not some other dude’s name. You are my Bo,” Toe said as he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Oh, OK, I’m just making sure,” I said sarcastically while rolling my eyes.

  “Bo, you don’t ever have to worry about that.”

  We went into the house and picked out a good movie. We looked through several DVDs and decided to watch “Blade” featuring Wesley Snipes. Toe popped some popcorn, and we got on the couch and popped in the movie.

  “Darnell, I’ve got to run downstairs for a second. I think I left my ID down there.” Toe said.

  “All right, I’ll come with you.”

  We walked down to a flight of stairs into the basement apartment and turned left. Toe turn the doorknob and the door was unlocked. We went into the flat, and it was stunning. Toe’s ID was sitting on the counter. He grabbed it and said, “All right, let’s go back upstairs.” However, I wanted to be nosy because I had not seen this type of apartment-style before. The apartment was charming, and much bigger than ours. I went into most rooms, the dining room, the kitchen, the living room, and Toe walked to the back rooms. I was enjoying the solid oak cabinetry, brass fixtures, the beautiful chandelier hanging in the foyer. There were a state-of-the-art microwave and stove in the kitchen, so I started messing with the knobs to see how different it was from ours.

  “Bo! Come here, real fast!” Toe yelled from the back of the apartment.

  I could hear him, but I could not see him. “Where are you?”

  “Come and find me, and then you will know where I am,” Toe said, laughing.

  I proceeded to the rear of the apartment. I turned right in, went into one of the smaller bedrooms, and didn’t see Toe there. I walked into the master bath, thanking Toe is hiding out in the bathtub, but he wasn’t there. Leaving the room, I walked by the closet, and Toe grabbed me pulled me in with him. The closet was a large walk-in closet. We had space to turn around and maybe put a queen size bed in it. There were hangers on both sides of the wall. It had a window where you can look out of the back and see the
cars as they drove by.

  “I love you, baby!” Toe said, as he started kissing me passionately. He grabbed my ass. “All of this is mine!”

  Mesmerized by his words, kiss, and warm body, I started to feel my nature rise. Toe grabbed me by my hips and pulled me into him. We were standing hip-to-hip. He threw his pants, and I felt his erection rubbing against mine. I thought I was dreaming.

  I was feeling pure ecstasy, feeling his sensual breath on my neck, the wetness of his kiss, and his body’s firmness. I became sexually aroused and ready to explode. “I want you, Toe,” I said while kissing him.

  “I want you, too, Darnell.”

  We started to take our shirts off and lay on the floor with our chests touching each other. I felt the heat rising from his body and began to tremble. We embraced each other while kissing and falling to the floor.

  There we lay in the closet wholly naked and erect, Toe and I in love with each other. He started to kiss me again, and as I grabbed Toe’s crotch, I suddenly began to have flashbacks of the time Cedric and I had sex. I imagined holding Cedric’s crotch in his bedroom. I then thought about how Cedric rammed his penis in my hole, and I started trembling. I remembered getting beat by my dad for asking for a Ken and Barbie doll set. Then I remembered getting a whipping for having sexual relations with Ronnie. My entire body started to shake vigorously as if I was preparing to have a seizure.

  “Darnell, are you OK?”

  However, I was in a full crisis state. My PTSD had flared up, and I was living the experience of Cedric grabbing my mouth and ramming his penis inside me.

  “Oh, God! What do I do!” I heard Toe say.

  I begin to yell and scream, “Stop Cedric – Mom, I’m not gay – Dad, you’re hurting me, please stop,” but nothing would stop the torture in my mind.

  Suddenly, Toe grabbed me and buried my head into his chest, squeezing me tight and vowing not to let me go. “Darnell, I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I love you, man, and I didn’t mean to cause you any pain,” Toe said as he began to cry.

  After a few minutes, I came to, feeling embarrassed about what just occurred, still laying on Toe’s chest. “Toe?” I said with a soft, calm voice while silently being embraced in his arms.

  “I’m here, Darnell! I’m here.”

  “Can we wait before we have sex? I’m not ready yet.” I said, feeling exhausted and defeated.

  “Baby, we don’t have to do this. We have a lifetime. Just lay here in my arms. I got you and will protect you.”

  I continued to lay in his arms for hours. Toe didn’t say a word or ask any questions. He continued to hold me, as we moved to the darkest part of the closet and fell asleep.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Toe’s first basketball game of the season was Rita Ross versus Trinity. This game was headlined as the game of the year because two Kentucky High School, All-Star basketball players were going head to head. Everyone was talking about it. I was reluctant to go due to my PTSD. However, Toe advised me that it was vital for him to see me there in the crowd. He also asked me to wear the jersey and the fitted jeans he purchased for me at Express. This style of clothing was out of my league for an outing. However, I wore them just for Toe. Toe thought I would be his good luck charm or something. Mom allowed me to drive the car, and Toe said he had special seating for me.

  When I arrived at school, the parking lot was full. Sitting behind the stirring wheel, I felt like a panic attack was coming on, but I learned from Dr. Blackman, how to breathe and relax. I realized that Toe was just a few feet away, and if something happened, he would be there to protect me. I sat in the car and turned on a song by Tremaine Hawkins called “Changed” and began taking deep breaths, saying to myself, Darnell, this is not about you, it’s about Toe. He needs your support. I regained my composure.

  As I exited the car, I heard Theresa call my name. “Darnell, Darnell, come over here real quick!”

  I turned around and saw Theresa walking in my direction. She was in a Rita Ross cheerleading uniform and looked fantastic. The color of a uniform was royal blue with white letters that spelled Rita Ross. She wore Nike tennis shoes that were white and she had glitter on her face. In her hair, she had red and black ribbons for the school colors. Her redbone complexion was stunning and her makeup was flawless.

  “Hey, what’s up, Theresa?” I asked.

  “Darnell, you don’t know how to call nobody. You act like your fingers are broke,” Theresa said sarcastically.

  I really had no excuse for not calling her. “Theresa, I’m sorry but here’s my number. How about you call me?”

  “Now, that’s a first,” Theresa said. “A guy gives me his number to call him.” We laughed, and she went into the gym to prepare for the game. I proceeded to will-call to pick up my ticket.

  As I was standing in line, a girl kept looking at me and giving me the eye. As I got closer to the window, she managed to mosey up next to me.

  “Hi, I’m Daisy, you must be new around here?”

  “Yes, this is my first year at this school,” I responded.

  “Well, I hope to see you around because you are sexy as hell!”

  I was somewhat embarrassed by the thought of me being sexy. I wondered, were Theresa and this girl looking at the right person?

  I entered the gym, and the team was on the court shooting around and warming up for the game.

  Toe saw me walk in and came to greet me. “Baby, I’m so glad that you came. I saw the size of the crowd and thought you might spaz out and go home.”

  “Well, I started to, but I wanted to be here for you,” I said, smiling.

  “All right, Bo. I got you a seat right here so I can keep my eye on you. Don’t make me come off the court and whip somebody’s ass,” Toe said, laughing.

  “Boy, you know, you don’t ever have to worry about that.”

  Toe went to the back of the court to play, and it was about seven minutes before the opening buzzer. Theresa took her position on the floor to cheer. I said to myself, if I ever got married, my wife would look just like Theresa! How would our children look? Then suddenly, the buzzer sounded, and it was time for the national anthem.

  The male announcer came on the speaker with his big cavalier voice. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Rita Ross High School, where the Trojans play the Giants. Please stand as we welcome our very own Jaurice Miller, who will lead us in the national anthem tonight.”

  As this person walked out into the stage, I noticed that he looked very familiar. His walk suggested that he was a tambourine player; however, I could see that he was the cashier from Express. As I looked closer. I almost died from laughter. Somehow, he noticed me in the crowd, and after he finished singing, he came over and sat down with me.

  “Child, I slew them bitches, didn’t I!” Jaurice said, as if he’s been knowing me all his life.

  “That was a good performance,” I said, laughing and trying to keep my composure. “You’re the cashier from Express Men store, right?”

  “Yeah, you remembered. Most people who meet me remember me. And your name is Darnell?”

  “Oh, well, you remembered.”

  “Yeah, I remember you and Toe coming into my store.”

  “Yes, that was an exciting day, to say the least.”

  “Well damn Darnell, how could I forget someone like you?”

  “Who do you think is going to win the game?” I asked.

  “Child, Toe’s big sexy ass team,” he said, smiling.

  Did Jaurice just call Toe’s team sexy? It seemed rather strange to hear that language from a man about another man. Maybe I had stayed in my shell for too long. However, I ignored his comment. Eventually, Jaurice moved a couple seats down, because one of the basketball players mother was telling him how good he sang. I was relieved.

  Theresa was looking at me and waving and doing her dandiest
to get my attention. I felt famous or something because, for the first time in my life, people wanted me. That’s probably because I was here with Toe, a celebrity in the city.

  During the first half of the game, Rita Ross was up by twelve points with Toe scoring eighteen points. Occasionally, he would look over to make sure that I watched him or gave me an occasional wink. I felt so lucky and fortunate to have Toe in my life.

  The cheerleaders took a break, and Theresa decided to sit next to me, which I thought was fantastic because she’s beautiful, a cheerleader, and very popular. I was intrigued by her presence.

  I discovered that Theresa was a senior and looking to study pre-law at the University of Louisville. She was an only child, so she wanted to stay close to home to take care of her parents. I told her I planned to study psychology at Notre Dame, and she thought that that would be incredibly boring. I noticed Toe looking at Theresa and me talking. Their team lead was trimmed to two points. Toe was missing easy shots, and, by his countenance, he seemed to be disturbed. His coach called for a timeout and had Toe sit on the bench. Theresa and I kept talking, and Toe kept looking back at us. Trinity called for a timeout, and Theresa left to go cheer. As she left, I noticed Toe walking my way. I guess he wanted to ask me what I thought about the game.

  “Darnell, please don’t do this to me!” Toe said sternly in my ear.

  “Do what?”

  “Have that bitch in your face. I thought you and I were together?”

  “Baby!” I said under my breath and leaning toward his ear. “We are. I love you more than anything. I’m not interested in Theresa, Jaurice, or anyone. I am with you, the man who satisfies all of my needs. So, bro, please don’t ever worry about that. You’re looking delicious; if we weren’t in front of these people, I’d kiss you dead on your lips.”

  Toe started smiling and went back to the court to resume the basketball game. I noticed that I had an erection, so I made sure to not stand up when Toe scored.

  After the halftime show, Theresa came back to talk to me. “Darnell, you seem like an amazing catch. How can I get to know you a little bit better?”