As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “Darnell, I don’t give a damn about all of that, even if it hurts my chance at the NBA. I want to be me.”

  “Well realistically, as it stands right now, homosexuality is not accepted in the NBA. So, we don’t want to give them a hint that we are romantically involved with each other.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good point and I thought about it a little. But, you will be there?”

  “Of course, I will be there until your name, the Prom King, then I got a surprise for you! “

  Toe’s face lit up like a Christmas tree, and he leaned over to kiss me. He stared me in my eyes and gently saying, “I like surprises.”

  “I got you, babe,” I said, “But our plan is not complete. You have to take Rochelle to the prom with you.”

  “Oh, so you’ve already got this all figured out?”

  “I’ve been doing some thinking about it and wanted to make sure that we were sensible and reasonable about our actions concerning prom.”

  “Yeah, that’s good because she already knows what’s going on between you and me, and I’m sure that she will play the role to a T.”

  “See, it’s coming together. We just need to call Rochelle to see if it’s too late for her to go with you?”

  “Nah, I think it’s too late, because last week she informed me she wasn’t going.”

  “Impossible, I’m sure guys are knocking down her door.”

  “No babe, for real, that’s what she told me. And usually, when she has her mind made up about something, you can’t change it,” Toe said as he was sure that she would not change her mind.

  “Let’s call her real quick, and I’ll talk to her.”

  “OK, you’re the boss.”

  Toe walked over to get the telephone and dialed Rochelle’s telephone number, then gave the phone to me.

  “Hey, Rochelle it’s Darnell and Toe.”

  “What are you clowns doing?”

  “Put her on the speakerphone,” Toe said.

  I hit the button on the cordless phone, and now it was on speaker.

  “Rochelle, are you going to the prom?” I asked.

  “Hell no! I’m not trying to go through getting ready, hair, and makeup stuff. Don’t nobody have time for all that,” Rochelle said.

  “That’s because you can’t catch a date,” Toe said.

  “For your information, I have turned down several guys! Now, what do you have to say?”

  Toe and I started to laugh at the same time. Then suddenly I asked, “Rochelle, you know that we love you, right?”

  “Boy, what do you want?”

  “Can you please be Toe’s date to the prom?” I asked.

  “What!” Rochelle yelled through the phone. “Yawl must be drunk,” she said as if we had just asked her to jump off the Second Street Bridge into the Ohio River.

  “Rochelle, this is Darnell’s idea. I thought he was drunk too when he mentioned it to me.”

  “Look, Rochelle, if Toe and I go together, then everyone would know that we are lovers. However, we can’t let that word get out because his sexual orientation may mess up his chances to get into the NBA. Honestly, Rochelle, how many out-of-the-closet guys do you know that are playing in the NBA today?”

  There was a pause, and then Rochelle chimed in, “Well, none, since you said it like that.”

  “Exactly! We’ve got to keep Toe protected.”

  “That makes sense. I never looked at it from that perspective,” Rochelle said as she was thinking it over.

  “I know, that’s why I am the aspiring psychologist.” We all started to laugh.

  “Y’all bitches owe me!”

  “So, Rochelle, does that mean you’re going?” I asked.

  “You know I love both of y’all, so yeah. Count me in, I am going.”

  “Awesome! I will call you tomorrow to coordinate the color, so you can start getting your outfit ready,” I said.

  “Wait! Darnell, are you going?” Rochelle said.

  “Yes! I’m going. I’m just going stag. I’m going to hang around to see my bae get crowned Prom King and then I’m leaving, as I’ve got a surprise for him,” I said, enticing Toe.

  “Where are you going?” Rochelle asked.

  Without thinking, I said, “I got us a hotel room at the Galt House downtown.”

  Catching my tongue, I realized that I had slipped and said, “Damn,” as Toe was looking directly at me with total surprise. He begin to gleam.

  “Really, babe!” Toe said as he started to kiss me on the cheek.

  “Yeah, but act like you don’t know,” I said smiling as I was coming to grips with the fact that I let the cat out of the bag.

  “Well, Rochelle, thanks again. I will call you tomorrow.”

  “OK, you lovebirds, have fun.”

  We hung up the phone, and continued to chat amongst ourselves.

  “Well, it’s all settled!” I said, smiling and proud that I’d finally got my way.

  “Darnell, you are the best. You look out for me even when I don’t look out for myself. I love you so much,” Toe said with a warm look in his eyes.

  We begin to kiss, and Pops walks into the room. We were so engrossed in passion; we didn’t even hear him come into the room.

  “All right, you two, enough, enough!”

  Toe and I fell out laughing. We shared the news with Pops, and he thought that it was a fantastic idea. We watched the movie, and all three of us fell asleep on the couch like one big family.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Now it’s springtime, and everything was in place for the prom. I chose the colors purple and black because purple also represents wealth, extravagance, creativity, wisdom, dignity, grandeur, devotion, peace, pride, mystery, and independence. I felt like a prince with Toe as my king, and of course, if there were to be a queen, that would be Rochelle. Deep on the inside, I knew that Rochelle still liked Toe, but it didn’t bother me. Every day, Toe ensured that I was secure about our relationship. However, a small part of me wouldn’t be upset if he messed around with Rochelle, then perhaps that would allow me to have sexual relations with a woman, at least to see what it was like and how it felt. However, I vowed to love Toe for the rest of my life, and I was content in doing just that.

  It was finally Saturday night and our date night. Toe and I elected to go to dinner and a movie. I particularly didn’t want to go to a fancy restaurant, so I thought the TGI Fridays in downtown Louisville was an excellent location. Since the movie theater and Fridays were in the same place, Mom let me use the car for our date night. To my surprise, she was wonderfully supportive of our relationship. While driving to dinner, I asked about our short-term goals. I was fishing around to see what I could get for him for prom and graduation.

  “Bae, what are some of your short-term and long-term goals that you would like to accomplish?”

  Still driving, Toe grabbed my right hand and put it close to his heart. “Darnell, you are my short and long-term goal.”

  “I know, babe, but excluding me, what would you like to do before you go to college?”

  “Oh! Well, I’ve always had this dream of taking a cruise to the Caribbean, running through the beaches, snorkeling, and just being madly in love.”

  “Really?” I asked, and a light bulb went off in my head.

  “Yes, that has always been my dream since I was a little boy.”

  That would be a wonderful gift, but how can I pay for it? Maybe, Mom and Toe’s family could contribute to purchase the ticket. I’d have to devise a plan and see how I can make this dream come to reality.

  “But honestly, when would you have time for that?” I asked, hoping to throw Toe off. I was going to make this trip happen if it took all the money I had.

  * * *

  When we arrived at Fridays, it was full of a fairly decent crowd. Of course, peopl
e recognized Toe from TV and basketball. A lot of his fans kept coming over, wishing him the best of luck at Duke University. Maybe Fridays wasn’t the best idea, but Toe seemed to like the attention. I just sat back in my chair and watched him meet his fans and sign autographs. He was so smooth, calm and collected. Noticing that he wasn’t paying any attention, I slipped my left shoe off, lifted my leg, and gently put my foot on this crouch. The sudden move made Toe jump a little, and I laughed. I left my foot there and I could feel him rise. He turned his attention toward me with those deep brown eyes saying, “Don’t start anything you can’t finish, Darnell.”

  “If you bring it, I’ll finish it,” I said, joking.

  Toe, thinking that I was serious, signaled me to go to the bathroom. I started smiling, fully aroused.

  “I’m just playing.”

  “Bo, let’s leave and go get something to eat at McDonald’s.”

  “Are you sure? We just got here.”

  “Yeah, Bo! I came out to spend time with you tonight and not all of these strangers.”

  The waiter came over to our table to take our order, and Toe informed him that we were leaving. The waiter tried to talk us into staying, but we insisted on going. While Toe and I were waiting for the check, a calm voice came over the intercom system.

  “If there is a Darnell Williams present, will you please come to the hostess station. Thank you!” Toe and I looked at each other and couldn’t figure out why they would page me. Looking uncertain, I got up out of my chair and proceeded to walk to the hostess stand.

  “Hi, my name is Darnell Williams. Someone just paged me.”

  “Yes! I did. Your mother called and asked you to call her right away.”

  My heart started to race at a thousand beats a minute. My thoughts began to become long and erratic; what had happened? Is everything OK? Why would she page me at the restaurant? Something must be going on that needs urgent attention.

  “OK, is there a phone I can use?” I asked, trying to calm down my emotions.

  “Yes, you may use this phone,” the hostess said, as she reached behind her stand to retrieve it. It was not my mom’s character to call me and have me paged. I dialed the number, and the phone rang three times before she picked up.

  “Hey, Mom, what’s going on?” I asked with concern.

  “Nothings wrong at home. Your friend, Jaurice, called and is looking for you. He said he had an emergency, and for you to please call him at 502-776-5555.”

  “Did he say what it was about?”

  “I couldn’t get any information out of him, but he did sound upset. I think that you should call him right now.”

  “OK, Mom, I will call him right now. Love you.” I hung up the phone and called the number given to me. Toe was looking overly concerned. I put up my index finger to signify that I would answer his questions as soon as I gathered more information.

  “Hello,” the deep voice said.

  “Hi, this is Darnell. Can I speak to Jaurice?”

  “This is Jaurice.”

  I didn’t recognize his voice. He sounded like a man. Then suddenly, I could hear him crying uncontrollably on the other end.

  “I need you, Darnell!” he yelled out.

  “Where are you, Jaurice?” I asked.

  “I’m on 28th and Broadway. Please come and get me.”

  “That’s no problem. I have Toe with me, so we will meet you on the corner in ten minutes.”

  “No! Please don’t bring Toe,” Jaurice asked in a concerned voice.

  “Look, I don’t have a choice. I will see you in ten minutes.”

  I gave the phone to the hostess. Toe signaled that he had left a tip for the waiter for the inconvenience. We left Fridays and walked to the car.

  “Babe, this doesn’t sound good,” I said. “Something’s going on with Jaurice.”

  “I wonder what he’s doing down there on Broadway. They don’t like flashy gay guys in that part of town.”

  We made it to the car, and we drove west on Broadway, and in ten minutes, we arrive at 28th and Broadway. Looking out the window, Toe and I tried to spot him.

  “Babe, do you see him?”

  “Nope, not yet.”

  “Where is he?”

  We continued to search around for him.

  “Wait, there, he is!” Toe said with excitement.

  I tapped on my horn, and Jaurice walked over to the car. I hit the unlock button, and Jaurice opened the back door then got in crying. When the dome lights came on, I could see that Jaurice had a small laceration to his upper lip; his cheekbone was swollen, his clothes were dirty and torn. He had leaves on his shirt, which signaled that he had been on the ground.

  “Oh my gosh! Jaurice, are you OK?”

  “Darnell, please just drive. Please,” Jaurice said in a somber tone.

  We turned around and headed East on Broadway toward downtown. Toe and I didn’t say anything, as we were trying to process what we had just seen. Suddenly breaking the silence of the air, I said, “Jaurice, do you want to go to the hospital or the police station?”

  “No, I don’t right now,” Jaurice said in a soft cracking voice.

  “OK, Toe and I were going to get some McDonald’s, but we can just go through the drive-thru since you’re here.”

  “That’s fine. I am so sorry to mess up your night.” Jaurice said with his head down.

  Toe interjected, “Darnell, why don’t you just take me home and drop me off. That way, you and Jaurice can talk. He needs a friend right now. I will call your mom and give her an update. Just give me a call whenever you’re finished talking to Jaurice.”

  Toe was so amazing. A few minutes ago, I complained about him and all his friends and fans, and now the tables have turned by me being needed by one of my friends. “Babe, you can go with us.”

  “No, he needs a friend right now. Plus, this is practice for me, I’m sure when you become a psychiatrist, you will have many more interrupted dates.”

  I smiled and grabbed Toe’s hand as we drove him home. Everyone in the car was silent. We dropped off Toe, and Jaurice jumped into the front seat. We started driving down the street toward the Ohio River. Jaurice did not say a word, and I chose not to pry.

  I looked over and noticed Jaurice taking short sporadic breaths, and his bottom lip started to quiver. I could hear sniffling going on, and I turn my head and see tears coming down his face. All of his emotions burst forth, and he busted out loud crying. “Thank you, Darnell, for coming to get me.”

  “It’s no problem, but what is going on, Jaurice?”

  “I need you as a friend right now, so please don’t judge me.”

  “Jaurice, if you don’t judge me then I won’t judge you. We are going to invoke the no-judgment zone.”

  Jaurice turned his head and looked out the window. Trying to cover his face and wiping tears that fell down his cheeks, he said, “Darnell, I don’t know where to start.”

  “Jaurice, take your time and start from the beginning or any place that you feel comfortable.”

  “I am not the person that you think I am!”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I’m not like so many other people who are gay. I wasn’t molested, dressed up in girls’ clothes, called names, but I simply chose to be gay because I knew that I was different on the inside. I love the gay culture, the sense of belonging, and the love that gay people have for each other.”

  Jaurice continued looking out the window and crying. I was wondering how this information would get us to what had happened tonight. But instead of pushing, I kept listening, and Jaurice continued, “Darnell, I said some bad things, went to some bad places, and hurt many bad people.”

  “Do any of those people you hurt need help now?”

  “No, I’m talking about mentally hurt.”

  “Oh, OK.”<
br />
  I felt silly for interrupting him. However, I needed to make sure that someone else wasn’t hurt or needing the police’s assistance or medical services.

  We finally made it to the Ohio River. We parked by the river with the car facing the water. We sat up and watched the reflections of the full moon bounce off the waves. I remained quiet as Jaurice continued to process his thoughts.

  “Darnell, please don’t be mad at me. But I’ve been prostituting to get money for a place to stay and for the prom. Mom and Dad put me out of the house because they found out I was gay.”

  I was floored. This incredibly handsome guy, who loved life, was full of fun, who never met a stranger, and was fearless was selling his body for housing and to go to a dance. I was shocked, and I wanted to beat him. However, this wasn’t about me; this was about Jaurice. I gathered my thoughts. “Jaurice, you do know that if you needed money, I could have contributed something.”

  “I know, Darnell, but I wanted to do it on my own.”

  “I understand. So how did this happen?”

  “Well, while working at Express, a guy came in telling me about a website called malemen.com. He told me that older gay guys pay younger guys for sex. I thought it was a sick idea, but I started thinking about the need for money and that website when I was fired from my job. I checked it out and everything. Then I created a profile. Everybody started hitting me up, both white and black, young and old. I was shocked. As you know, I’m attracted to thug guys, so my inbox stayed full of those types of guys.”

  “Jaurice, did you ever think about the risk that was involved? You could have been killed tonight bro! Did you think about your family or your friends?”

  Jaurice started crying again.

  “No, Darnell, all I thought about was getting money for the prom.”

  “Look at me, Jaurice,” I said, but he wouldn’t look at me. “Damn it, look at me, bro!” I said forcefully and loudly.

  Jaurice very slowly turned his head toward me.

  I looked at him in his eyes saying, “Who did this to you?”