As I Am

by David B. Jai

  I wondered if Dr. Moore was preaching to me. My mind started to drift off about Toe’s relationship with me. Before Toe, my life was dark and gloomy, and I stayed in the house. In essence, he was my Jonathan. However, the most intriguing aspect of the sermon was that Jonathan’s dad tried to kill him. Yet Jonathan still loved his dad despite his imperfections. Could I really find it in my heart to forgive my dad for all the wrong that he’s done to me? G-Ma said if God can forgive us for all the wrongs that we’ve done to Him, I can forgive my dad for the wrong that he’s done to me. It was a grave matter to ponder upon. Was forgiveness really for me, or was it for my dad? If I chose not to forgive him, then I would remain the victim, carrying around his wrongdoing’s and weight. However, if I forgive him, then the importance of his actions is lifted off me, and I am free. The effects that stress can cause on the body are elevated blood pressure, sugar, diabetes, irregular heartbeat, depression, and other mental illnesses, simply because we don’t forgive. I am eighteen and already have high blood pressure. With all this in mind, I thought it would be advantageous to forgive my dad. However, I just needed more time to process my thoughts and make a rational decision.

  After church, Dr. Moore was taking his time to meet me in his office. G-Ma started to complain about being hungry and that her sugar level was falling, so mom stepped in and said that she would take me home after I met with Dr. Moore. G-Ma agreed, and Mom and I waited.

  “Mom, what did you think about the sermon?”

  “It was nice. I thought about the relationship between you and your dad.”

  “Yeah, I did too. But right now, I’m leaving dad and my relationship alone. I’ve got too much stuff to focus on. Like school and other things.”

  “Yes, I do understand.”

  “Mom, what do you think about David and Jonathan’s relationship?”

  Just as she was about ready to answer, Dr. Moore came walking down the hall in his long black robe with his glasses smiling from ear-to-ear. “Good afternoon Mrs. Smith.”

  “Good afternoon, Reverend Doctor. That was a great message on the family today.”

  “Thank you! I’ve been trying to catch up with your son for a while. How are you doing, Darnell?”

  “I’m doing well, Dr. Moore.”

  “May I have a few minutes of your time?”

  “Certainly!” I said to myself, Especially, after all, we have been waiting on him to return to his office.

  We entered his office where there was a massive desk, a couch, two chairs, and a piano. Hanging on the wall was a picture of his daughter Vickie.

  “Darnell, I’ve wanted to meet with you this to discuss the last sermon that you heard me preach some months back. I’ve observed you walking out and not returning until now.”

  Oh shit, I thought. Inside, I thought about avoiding the conflict with Dr. Moore’ sermon, but I decided not to be passive regarding my feelings, so I wanted to hear what he had to say. “Dr. Moore, no offense, but I found your sermon rather disheartening.”

  “Darnell, one thing I want you to understand is that preachers have a heavy load to carry at times, and often when we preach sermons, we are typically preaching to ourselves first. That’s how we become effective ministers.”

  “What do you mean, Dr. Moore?”

  “Well, for example, if we are having a problem with our wives, children, or parents, we may elect to preach about family. If we are dealing with sin, then we preach about sin. However, the sermon is geared to reflect that person’s life and experiences given the message.”

  “But, Dr. Moore, your message was about Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve. At least that was my interpretation. Am I wrong?”

  “I know, I wrote it. What I want you to know is that we all have our cross to bear. Everybody has his or her own struggle. You’ve got yours, and I’ve certainly got mine.”

  Was Dr. Moore implying that he has homosexual tendencies, and the message he was preaching wasn’t for me but for him? If so, I thought about how miserable he must be on the inside to live life and conflict. However, it was not my job to counsel him.

  “I understand, Dr. Moore,” I said, smiling.

  “Darnell, I wanted to meet with you to say I am sorry if I offended you and that you will forgive me and come back to church?”

  “No worries, Dr. Moore, all is forgiven.” I got up to leave and extended my hand to shake Dr. Moores’ hand. Instead, when I reached for him, Dr. Moore pulled me close and hugged me tightly. There was something about this particular hug that was not holy. I broke away and started to exit the door.

  Dr. Moore said, “Someone is going to make you really happy, and they are going to be lucky to have you.”

  “Doc, they already do,” I laughed.

  I went back outside his office, where I saw Mom, and we left the church to drive home. I had a lot on my mind, and while we were in the car, I didn’t really say too much. Mom, in a nonchalant manner, I asked, “So how did your meeting with Dr. Moore go?”

  “It was good, rather enlightening.”

  “Oh, that’s excellent. I’ve always loved his preaching style.”

  “Yes, he does have a preaching style,” I said sarcastically. “Mom, how do you feel about David and Jonathan’s relationship?”

  “It was good. They were two men who loved each other.”

  “Yeah, they did. What about the covenant they made together, and how Jonathan loved David more than he loved himself?”

  “It was fine if that was his choice. After all, the Bible says that David was a man-made after God’s own heart.”

  “Yeah, he was. I didn’t realize that David loved Jonathan more than a woman.”

  “The Bible did say that! What was it at 2nd Samuel chapter 1:26?”

  “I can’t remember exactly, but I think so.”

  “Darnell, I know what you’re getting at, and this is probably the best time to talk to you about this. I think you’re living your own personal situation. Son, I want you to know that I am not blind, and I know that you and Toe are more than friends.”

  I was stunned but also scared, almost panicking. How does mom know? When did she find out? I waited for her to backhand me, but amazingly she did not.

  “Son, no matter where you may find yourself in this life, just remember there’s nothing’s like a mother’s love for her child. And I love you. Whether you’re straight or gay, you are still my baby. I listen to news reports and don’t you know how many times a week I hear about gay children killing themselves because their parents disown them or how many homeless gay people live on the streets because they have been discriminated against or how gay people are targeted for hate crimes. I hear that gay life is hard, but if that’s the way you want to go, then you have my support.” Mom reached over and grabbed my hand. I paused in shock. God was answering another one of my prayers. I couldn’t believe that this was my mother talking and willing to accept me as I am. Somehow, she had managed to evolve without me knowing it.

  “What! You knew?” I shouted, feeling like a big release valve had been opened.

  “Yes, I knew when you went to the hospital to see Toe. And despite your PTSD, you stayed the night. Son, I knew he was more to you than just a friend at that time. I also think that he tried to harm himself because you were evading his calls. However, we will keep the official reason that he consumed pills for his pain,” Mom said, smiling.

  If Mom was accepting of my sexual orientation, why did she beat me when I was younger? I had no other choice but to ask her. “Mom, when I was ten, why did you whip me for being gay? Why did you do that to me?”

  “Son, I am sorry. I was thirty-one years old, and I did not know any better. Your dad was beating me, so the only thing that I knew was whipping you all. I thought homosexuality was a mental illness, and I didn’t want you to be that way. I didn’t want to give you shock therapy so, I called mys
elf looking out for you. But me looking out for you was actually hurting you. I’ve carried this pain around for years. I was hoping that you would eventually one day forgive me.”

  I began to cry. I thought about everything that my mother had done to me during that time. But it never dawned on me that she was looking out for me just like Toe. “Mom, we could have talked about that. Was a whipping necessary?”

  “Make no mistake about it, I was mad at you because you were sucking another boy’s penis, in my house, at ten years old. I had to do something. I am your mother, and I have to develop good character habits in you. Let me be clear, it did not have anything with you being gay. Son, do you forgive me?”

  “Mom, thanks for sharing, and of course, I forgive you. You are my mother. I only have one of you.” We both were crying but embracing the healing that was taking place.

  “Mom, G-Ma said when life is bitter, you should eat something sweet.”

  Seeing the ice cream parlor, I asked Mom to pull in. We enjoyed a tasty banana split with all the trimmings.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  A few weeks passed before Toe’s dad invited Toe and I over to his house for a barbecue and an opportunity to get to know me. Since Monday was a holiday, Mom allowed me to take the car and keep it overnight.

  I was excited to spend time with Toe and his dad. Perhaps I could learn how Toe became the man that he is. Everyone who knew us was not overly concerned about Toe being gay and playing in the NBA, however, it was still a concern. I fully understood that Toe couldn’t hold my hand in public, but we could sneak a kiss every now and then. Toe wasn’t too concerned about being gay and in the NBA; he was in love with me and that’s all that mattered to him.

  I picked Toe up at 3:30 p.m. I was wearing my #47 jersey and some black shorts, which he requested I wear. He said that he wanted us to look like twins. I just relished the fact that the void of a man loving me was finally fulfilled.

  We arrived at Mr. St. James’ house, and from the exterior view it looks amazingly huge. It was a newer built ranch style brick home and had a three-car garage, beautifully landscaped yard, and it an electronic gate where we had to be buzzed in. I laughed at myself when I thought, “This is some fancy shit, and Mr. St. James is an uppity Negro.”

  “Toe, OMG, this is my dream house,” I said as I was in awe of the entire house, including the curb appeal.

  “It’s cool, but when I get into the NBA, our house will be twice as big as Dad’s.”

  We arrived at the big iron gates and hit the white button for the intercom. While we waited for Toe’s dad to answer, I admired the neatly manicured lawn. Off at a distance, I saw a basketball court where Toe learned to play basketball. The iron gate opened and we drove up to the house. As we got closer, I saw Toe’s dad standing in the door in a chef hat and an apron. I thought, this is going to be exciting, because never have I been to a family barbecue before. Toe’s dad was very welcoming and excited to have me in his house as well. When we opened the car doors, and we could smell the aroma of barbecue ribs cooking on a charcoal grill. Toe and I looked at each other, smiling and sniffing as we walked to the door.

  “Look at my twins!” Mr. St. James said while smiling and giving us hugs.

  “Twins, I don’t look as good as Darnell,” Toe said.

  “Nah, Mister St. James has it all wrong. I don’t look as good as Toe.”

  We all laughed as we walked through the front door.

  “Now, Darnell, we’ve got to do something about you calling me Mr. St. James. It’s just too formal. How about you call me Pops?”

  I thought that was an excellent idea. Since my biological dad was in prison and never bonded with me, I could, in fact, call him Pops. Maybe he could be the male figure in my life. Perhaps I could go to him for advice when I was in dire need or just to hang out with someone. Could he be the father figure I’ve never had?

  “OK, Pops! You’ve got it,” I said, smiling from ear-to-ear.

  Upon entering the house, the floors were dark hardwood; the walls were beige with pictures of fancy art on them. There were vaulted ceilings in the living room with a small glassy black baby grand piano. The kitchen has stainless steel appliances, and there was a chef’s island in the center of the room.

  “Let me show you to your room Darnell.” Pops said.

  Toe looked at me and winked as if he had something up his sleeves. There were a total of four bedrooms and my bedroom was next to Toe’s.

  “You know I’m going to sneak in there and get some of that tonight,” Toe said.

  I smiled and looked at him like he was crazy, as I dare not have sex with him in his dad’s house. Well, at least not the first night.

  Pops said, “Darnell, drop your bags up here and then come out to the backyard. Toe, come with me.”

  Toe followed his dad to the back of the house, and I admired the pictures of Toe and Pops placed on the chest of drawers. Toe had received so many awards that the guest room was filled to overflow. I had observed pictures of Pops when he was younger and said, “Damn, he’s fine.” However, he still looked good as an older gentleman. I put my bags down and headed to the back of the house. My mouth flung open when I observed the built-in swimming pool and the humongous deck with every piece of lawn furniture possible. There was a built-in brick grill. Pop had the music going and was listening to “For the Love of You” by The Isley Brothers.

  “Hey, Bo, come on out?” Toe said when he saw me standing in the doorway. I came out to the deck, and I grabbed a seat. As I sat down, Mr. St. James brought me a cup of his classic homemade lemonade.

  “Son, don’t be shy. There are chips and cookies over there. We can eat as soon as the food is ready.”

  “OK, Pops, thanks!” I said.

  I got up, walked over to the cooler, retrieved some ice and went to have a seat next to Toe.

  “So, Darnell, you going to Notre Dame, huh?” Pops asked.

  “Yes sir, they have a wonderful psychology curriculum and are known for their academics.”

  “Yes, I am very familiar with Notre Dame. It is a very pres­ti­gious school.”

  “Yes, sir, I’m glad that I received the scholarship to pay for part of my tuition; otherwise, I may not be able to attend.”

  “I certainly understand. May I ask, who are your parents?”

  “My Mom’s name is Candace Williams. She is remarried. My dad’s name is Robert Williams, but his friends call him big Rob or RW for short.”

  Suddenly Pops froze in place for a second like he a seen a ghost or something spooky. He didn’t say anything but just stared out in a blank space.

  “Dad, are you OK?” Toe asked, noticing the puzzled look on his dad’s face. The expression was somewhat disturbing because at first Pops was engaged in a conversation, and now suddenly he’s quiet.

  “Yes, son. I just thought about something. So, Darnell, your mother’s name was Candice Williams-Smith?”

  “Yes, sir, that is my Mom.”

  “Wow, what a small world?” I can hear Pops say underneath his breath.

  “Pops, did you say something?” I asked as I wanted to be sure I paid attention to what he was saying.

  “No, no. Just thinking. Where’s your dad now?”

  “Dad, you’re asking Darnell too many questions. Let’s enjoy the outside and the barbecue,” Toe said.

  I realize what Toe was doing. He was trying to protect me like he always does.

  “Toe, it’s fine,” I said as I tapped him on his leg.

  “Pops, my biological father is currently in prison.”

  “Oh, I see!” Pop said with great curiosity on his face. However, Pops still had a distinct look. Sometimes I would catch him staring at me, and then he would look away real fast, hoping that I wouldn’t find him. I hoped that he didn’t think I wasn’t good enough for Toe since my dad was in prison. However, if that wa
s the case, we would cross the road when we get to it. I remembered the words of Dr. Blackmon, “One day at a time.”

  “Well, fellas, prom is coming up in a couple weeks. You all are going together, right?” Pops asked.

  “Of course we are. I couldn’t stand to see Darnell on someone else’s arm.”

  “Well Pops, we really haven’t discussed it yet, but we will tonight,” I interjected.

  “I’m sure you all will make the best decision. I just want both of you to be happy.”

  “Thanks for your support, Pops. Your son makes me extremely happy. I can’t imagine life without his big head self,” I started to smile.

  “ Hey, hey, hey!” Toe said, jumping in. We all started to laugh.

  “Let’s eat fellas,” Pops said. We ate our dinner, but Pops was still quiet and kept gazing at me. My self-talk was starting to become loud as I wondered what Pops was thinking. Damn, I need a drink. However, gratefully, Pops finally engaged in conversation over dinner. When we were done, we went back into the house. We went into the living room where there was a TV theatre. However, I kept my eyes on Mr. St. James.

  “What would you all like to watch?”

  Of the hundreds of DVDs Pops owned, Toe and I picked Set It Off. Pops asked to be excused while he cleaned up. Toe and I offered to help, but he insisted on doing it without us. There just seemed to be something bothering Pops. His demeanor had changed.

  “So, Bo, are we going to the prom?” Toe asked.

  “Well, babe, let’s discuss it and come up with the best option,” I said.

  “Discuss it? There’s no need. Either I go with you, or I’m not going,” Toe stated as he was putting in the movie.

  “Bae, no doubt you would probably be named as the Prom King. Plus, suppose the media is there and they want to take pictures. They are going to want to see a female on your arm and not your boyfriend.”