Losing Faith

by Scotty Cade

  What did Abel mean by that?

  Chapter Thirteen

  A COUPLE of weeks had gone by, and Cullen and Abel had settled into something almost resembling a relationship. Every hour that Abel wasn’t working, they spent together. Abel had seemed distant at times, something Cullen couldn’t quite put his finger on, but the distance seemed to disappear just as quickly as it came. Maybe Abel was just getting used to his new life and Cullen.

  It was Sunday morning, and Cullen was sitting alone on the flybridge finishing his third cup of coffee. Abel had left just under an hour ago, claiming he needed to put the finishing touches on his sermon. He was in the pulpit this morning as Pastor Williams was away on church business. Abel had asked him to attend the service, and not wanting to disappoint Abel, he’d reluctantly agreed. But Cullen had to admit he was as jittery as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

  This was the first time he would be in church for an actual service since Cole’s memorial mass. Yeah, he’d stopped in at Abel’s church as a last resort when he was so worried about him, and the experience had been a bittersweet one, but that was just him and his thoughts. Now he would have to listen to God’s word, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Abel had asked very little of him during their time together, and so he’d promised.

  Just before the service started, Cullen slipped into the church and took a seat in the last row on the end—close to a door in case he needed to escape. He looked around nervously and locked eyes with Abel, who was sitting off to the side of the pulpit with his Bible in his hand. Abel flashed a crooked smile, obviously very aware of why Cullen had chosen that particular seat, and Cullen smirked and then smiled broadly.

  Cullen felt himself relax a little when the music started. Music always had that effect on him, but this music wasn’t at all like his church—his former church—where the organ blared as the procession made its way down the aisle. This was less pageantry and had more of a celebratory feel to it. When the song ended, Abel took the pulpit and welcomed everyone, regulars and visitors alike, glancing at Cullen a time or two. When he got into his sermon, Cullen was not surprised to see that Abel was a natural in the pulpit. He was sincere, which was the most important thing, but he was also commanding and soft-spoken at the right times. His sermon today focused on the death of Jesus. He talked about how much of an injustice it had been, but that according to the Bible, it also happened according to the plan and purpose of God. Abel examined the Crucifixion in light of the doctrine of providence from the perspective of God, Jesus, and the human participants. He preached that although the Crucifixion was a mystery we cannot fully understand, the injustice of the Crucifixion accomplished God’s plan from eternity to demonstrate the breadth of his love by redeeming sinners.

  Cullen thoroughly enjoyed the sermon, but he couldn’t help but think Abel had preached it partly on his behalf because of the way he felt about God taking Cole from him. And if the truth be told, his defenses were starting to crumble, little by little. Sitting in this strange church, listening to another man preach, Cullen realized how much he missed the fellowship of the church. Everyone here was different in some way, but they were all there for one reason: to worship. And that made their differences fade away, at least for one hour on a Sunday morning. Cullen also sensed that he missed his relationship with God, but that was a little harder to admit to himself right now.

  After the service, while Cullen was waiting for Abel on the steps of the church, Agnes Williams approached him.

  Abel had warned him that she’d been her normal busybody self, quizzing him about his and Cullen’s friendship, how they knew each other, and specifically about Cullen and his church, so Cullen had been on guard.

  “Good morning, Reverend,” she’d said in a haughty tone. “How nice to see you supporting your seminary mate Pastor Weston.”

  “Oh, we were never seminary mates. And good morning to you as well, Mrs. Williams.”

  “But you said—”

  “What I said was a mutual friend from the seminary told me Abel was assigned here, so I looked him up when I was passing through.”

  “Oh, silly me,” she said. “I must have misunderstood. You’ve been in Southport… what? A couple of weeks now? I imagine you’re probably thinking of moving on soon.”

  “Not really. I like Southport, and I’m on no schedule, so I have all the time in the world.”

  “Tell me, Reverend, how does an Episcopal priest get so much time off?”

  “I’m on leave at the moment,” Cullen said without missing a beat. “I live in a seasonal town with very few parishioners in the winter months, so the church assigns an interim priest so I can have the winter off.”

  “How nice. At any rate, I’m a little surprised to see you here.”

  “Oh? Why is that?”

  Agnes chuckled. “Come on, Reverend, it’s no secret the Southern Baptists think very differently from the Episcopalians.”

  “That’s very true.” Cullen dipped his head and picked at something on the steps with the toe of his shoe. When he looked back up, Agnes was glaring at him.

  “But we all have one thing in common. Don’t we?” he said.

  “I suppose that’s true. But—”

  “You ready?” Abel yelled, cutting Agnes off and bouncing down the church steps.

  “I am,” Cullen said. “Good to see you again, Mrs. Williams.”

  “Same here, Reverend.”

  WHEN THE two men reached the sidewalk and crossed the street, Abel stopped and looked back. Agnes was still standing on the steps watching them, one arm crossed over her large bosoms, a finger on her chin, and her head cocked to one side. She waved, and he waved back before he turned and they started walking.

  “I swear that woman is two Corinthians short of a Bible and the nosiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Abel said, picking up his pace. “Was she pumping you for information?”

  “Yeah.”

  Cullen related their conversation to Abel.

  “Something about her rubs me the wrong way,” Cullen said. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’d watch out for her if I were you.”

  “I will. Hey, how did you like my sermon?”

  “It was great. You’re a natural in the pulpit.”

  “Really? I’m always a little unsure of myself and my sermons. They seem old and boring.” Abel paused. “I would love to make them more relevant to today. You know? Something young people can identify with, or something that brings the message in a way that makes more sense today.”

  “Why don’t you?”

  “Pastor Williams,” Abel said flatly. “He believes in teaching the Word in its truest form. As it was written. Just old school, I guess. And since he’s the boss, I have to follow his rules.”

  “But I don’t understand how anyone can believe something written over two thousand years ago is still relevant in its purest form. Yes, the meaning and the message will always be relevant. But today’s society needs more. Can’t he see that faith is getting harder and harder to sell? We are no longer a society that follows blindly. The Word and the message need to make sense to people before they will embrace it. It needs to be explained so that it can be applied to life today.”

  Abel stopped, put his hands on his hips, and smiled broadly. “Now this is the passion I knew was boiling just below the surface of Reverend Cullen Kiley.”

  Cullen blushed. “Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away.”

  “Don’t apologize. I love to see you this way. The church needs more passion like this.”

  “I don’t know about that, but thanks. It felt kinda good to rant just a little.”

  “Cullen! You are wasting your calling. I’m gonna get you back in church if it kills me.”

  “That will probably kill us both.” Cullen chuckled nervously and stuck his hands in his pockets. Obviously wanting to change the subject, Cullen looked up at Abel through his lashes. “You hungry?”

  Abel smiled. Well, looke
e there! I do believe Cullen is working me. Abel knew, and apparently so did Cullen, that he had an insatiable appetite for food. He was always hungry and usually ate up to six meals a day. The funny thing was, that constant hunger had carried over to the bedroom, which had totally surprised him. He’d never been one to masturbate often. What little pleasure it brought him was usually over in seconds, and most times it was more for release than a source of pleasure.

  But in the past two weeks, he and Cullen had made some form of love every night and sometimes even twice a day. And based on Abel’s newly awakened libido, he didn’t see that slowing anytime soon. Luckily Cullen seemed to be right there with him.

  In the past two weeks, though, he’d had bad days and good days. He still couldn’t shake the feeling that he and Cullen were on borrowed time. Sometimes he was able to push it to the back of his mind and focus on the here and now, but other times, especially after sex when they were quietly holding each other, the fears would come rushing back at him full force. He could tell Cullen had sensed his mood swings, but he hadn’t pressed Abel on it.

  Unfortunately, the weight he’d been carrying was getting heavier with each passing day, and instead of diminishing, the feeling was becoming increasingly real. He was now more convinced than ever that Cullen was going to leave him, pure and simple. He was sure of it. But what could he do about it? In actuality there was little he could do. He’d been struggling to keep the proverbial feelings of abandonment at bay, but a lifetime of people leaving him was a very hard thing to forget, much less overcome. Abel had been trying as best he could to prepare for it, but no matter how much he prepared, he knew it was going to hurt like hell.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” Cullen said, smiling back and gesturing over his shoulder. “Since we’re already here, what about brunch at Ports of Call?”

  “Okay by me.”

  While they waited for a table, Abel nodded to several groups of people from the church, who were already seated, and a few more familiar faces who came in behind them. Everyone said hello and complimented Abel on his sermon. Abel introduced Cullen to them all as his good friend Cullen Kiley, who was visiting from New England. Reverend Kiley was no longer on the table.

  Brunch was great, albeit interrupted several times by church members stopping by to say hello and how much they’d enjoyed Abel’s sermon this morning.

  They were stepping onto the main dock at the marina when Abel’s phone rang. He fished it out of his coat pocket, looked at the caller ID, and quickly put the phone to his ear. “Pastor Williams?”

  “Abel, I’m sorry to bother you, but do you think you could meet me in my office. Say, in fifteen minutes.”

  “I… I guess so. But I thought you were out of town?”

  “Just got back about thirty minutes ago. And again, I’m sorry to inconvenience you, but it’s important.”

  “Okay. Sure,” Abel said, hearing concern in Pastor Williams’s voice. “I’ll be there shortly.”

  “Thanks, Abel.”

  Abel ended the call.

  “That was Pastor Williams,” he said.

  “I gathered as much.” Cullen cocked his head to one side. “Is everything all right?”

  Abel shrugged. “I don’t know. But he wants to meet in his office in fifteen.”

  “Did he say why?”

  “No. And he didn’t sound quite like himself either,” Abel admitted. “I hope everything’s okay.”

  Cullen squeezed Abel on the shoulder. “You’ll never know unless you head over there. I’ll be here when you’re through.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  ABEL HURRIED back to the church. He had a weird feeling about this. He’d never before been summoned after service or after he’d left for the day, which left him very uneasy.

  When Abel reached the church office, Agnes was at her desk, which was very unusual for a Sunday afternoon.

  “He’s waiting for you.” Agnes didn’t even bother to meet his eyes.

  Abel opened the door to the pastor’s office and froze. He felt like he was interrupting a meeting already in progress. Pastor Williams, along with four other neighboring pastors he recognized and one tall willowy man he did not, were all seated in a semicircle with one empty seat, which Abel assumed was his.

  “Close the door behind you and take a seat, son,” Pastor Williams said, nodding to the empty chair.

  Their expressions were laced with concern. Or was that anger? Or even worse, disappointment? Abel knew this wasn’t going to be good. But what had he done? Had this morning’s sermon been so bad that Pastor Williams needed backup to help chastise him? If so, who was the other man?

  Pastor Williams interrupted his thoughts. “Before we get started, Abel, please turn off your cell phone and put it in this box.” The pastor held a cardboard box of cell phones in front of him. “We really don’t want to be interrupted.”

  This must really be bad. “Okay.” Abel powered off his phone and dropped it into the box with the others. “Do you mind if I ask what this is all about, Pastor?” he said, looking around at the others.

  “Unfortunately, Abel, it has come to our attention that you’ve been engaging in some very unhealthy behavior for an associate pastor of a Southern Baptist Church. Behavior, according to our beliefs, not even suitable for a layperson.”

  Abel shook his head as if he wasn’t hearing correctly. “Excuse me?”

  Pastor Williams cleared his throat. “Abel. After witnessing some rather strange behavior, Agnes did a little research regarding your friend, the Reverend Cullen Kiley from Provincetown. And what we uncovered is very disturbing to us.”

  Abel’s stomach turned. He instantly knew where this was going, and he surely wasn’t prepared for it. Calm down and take a deep breath. You need to play this cool.

  “Okay,” he answered, aware that the nervousness was clear in his voice. “What might that be? And furthermore, what does it have to do with me?”

  “For starters, he is no longer a reverend of the Episcopal Church, but continues to use the title when it suits him.”

  “He is an ordained priest who is on sabbatical.”

  Pastor Williams didn’t respond and continued. “Secondly, he is a homosexual who was a priest in a predominantly homosexual community, and as you know, we strongly denounce homosexuality.”

  “Is a priest,” Abel corrected, looking around the room. “And I ask again.” The nervousness in his voice gave way to a certain level of annoyance. The nerve of them! “What does the fact that Reverend Kiley is a gay Episcopal priest have to do with me?”

  “You’ve been seen on a regular basis hanging out at the Riverwalk with Mr. Kiley.”

  “Reverend Kiley,” Abel corrected again.

  Pastor Williams waved his hand. “Not to mention jogging through town half naked. At the local gym. At several local restaurants. And on his boat in what we consider very intimate settings.” The pastor hesitated. “Consuming alcohol, Abel! And you’ve spent the night on his boat every night since he arrived.”

  “That’s not true,” Abel said. “But I want to get this right. In your opinions—” He made eye contact with each of the other attendees. “—it’s unacceptable behavior to spend time with a friend, exercise, and eat dinner. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Abel!” Pastor Williams slapped his hand on his knee. “You know it’s more than that, and so do we. This is an intervention, and you have some very serious decisions to make.”

  Abel stood so abruptly it sent his chair toppling over. “An intervention?”

  “Calm down, Abel,” one of the other pastors said. “Getting angry with us is not going to help anyone, least of all you. We’re here to help you, son.”

  “It sounds more to me like you’re here to condemn me. Judge, jury, and executioner all wrapped up in one.” He looked around the room again. “Or should I say, five?”

  “That’s just not true. Are you telling us our presumptions are wrong?”

  A
bel righted his chair.

  It’s now or never, Abel. You needed time to convince Cullen to take a chance on you, but you no longer have that time, which leaves you two choices. Deny, send Cullen away, and go back into the closet, ignoring the fact that you feel alive for the first time in your life.

  Or tell the truth now, lose your job, and maybe Cullen. It’s far too soon for Cullen to even think about another relationship, and after this scandal breaks, you’ll need to leave town for sure. Your best chance is to admit it now, take your licks, and hopefully Cullen won’t abandon you. But if he does, at least you know who you are now.

  Abel absentmindedly rubbed his shoe over a stain on the carpet right between his feet. He finally looked up. “You’re not wrong.”

  “We didn’t think so. Abel, please allow us to save you.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  CULLEN WAS pacing now. He’d tried sitting quietly. Watching television. Listening to music. But nothing had taken his mind off of the fact that he’d been tracking the time closely since three o’clock, and there was still no sign of Abel. He was worried sick. It was not like Abel to not touch base with him, and when he’d attempted several times to reach Abel, the call had gone straight to voice mail. He was putting on his shoes, about to go over to the church, when he heard a knocking on the hull of the boat. He looked at the clock again. Six o’clock. Thank God. But why is Abel knocking?

  He hurried up the companionway stairs and crossed the cockpit, and his heart dropped when he saw Agnes standing on the dock. “Mrs. Williams? What are you doing here? Is something wrong with Abel?”

  “May I speak with you Rev—I mean, Mr. Kiley?”