I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  “Well, I don’t want to get you in trouble,” he says.

  “You two seriously have this down. I think it’s because you got that whole brother-sister thing going for you. I can’t fight with you, Kihanna. I am going to have problems getting into it,” Gabe says.

  “I’m sorry, did you think I was talking to you?” I raise my voice at Gabe. Jack and Dad both turn to look at us. “Do me a favor and never speak to me again.”

  “I can’t believe I ever dated such a horrible bitch,” Gabe says. “It’s like you ripped my heart right out of my chest with your bare hands, and then shredded it into tiny pieces. I can’t even stand the sight of you. It’s just a reminder of the huge hole in my chest where my heart used to be.”

  “Thats enough,” Jack tells Gabe. Dad gives Toby and me a stern look.

  Jack turns back to my dad and they continue their conversation like nothing ever happened.

  “Maybe we should tone it down a bit,” Toby says. “I really don’t feel like getting in trouble.”

  I wish we didn’t have to pretend fight. I wish we could hang out like we normally do, but that is no longer a possibility. I think back to the photo on my phone. Jacqueline Hoff is dead, and I don’t want to be next. I will do whatever it takes to stay alive.

  I wonder if anybody has found Jacqueline’s body yet. Her parents will be devastated by the news, and for a moment I imagine how Dad and Veronica would feel if I died. My heart breaks for Jacqueline and the life she doesn’t get to live. She may have been the mean girl of the school, but she didn’t deserve this. Nobody does.

  I pull out my iPad and check Staying Connected to see if there is any news. There is nothing on my timeline, so I look at her wall.

  There is a status update from late last night. It was after the picture was sent to me.

  Jacqueline Hoff: My end is just the beginning.

  There are a few comments under the status asking what she means, but I know what it means.

  I pass my iPad to Toby, and then to Gabe.

  “We have got to figure out who this person is,” Gabe says. His face is pale. “What if something happens to you?”

  “I am not going down without a fight,” I tell him. “And I have every intention of figuring out who this person is.”

  “What are you going to do once you figure out who it is?” Toby asks.

  I laugh a little, even though there is nothing funny about this situation. “I haven’t actually thought that far ahead, but I have every note that they have ever left me except the first one. I’m sure I could just turn the notes into the police.”

  “You don’t have the text,” Toby says.

  Right. The text. Which is the most important one.

  “I can get it back,” Gabe says. “I also might be able to figure out where the text is coming from.”

  “How?” Toby asks.

  “My dad owns a computer company,” he answers. “Where do you think I’ve been spending three days a week every summer since I was thirteen?”

  “Oh right,” Toby says. “I forgot you had to intern there. So they taught you cool spy tricks there? Maybe your dad will let me intern there this summer.”

  Gabe rolls his eyes at Toby. “I’m just really good with computers. I’ve never told anybody before, especially not my dad. He’s pushing me so much to follow in his footsteps, and if he knew I was actually good it would be worse.”

  “Computer nerds are hot,” I tell him jokingly. “So when did you discover this awesome talent of yours?”

  “When I was dating Lily, she kept getting texts from this blocked number. She claimed it was an ex-boyfriend who was obsessed with her, but it wasn’t. I pulled all of her cell phone records and traced it back to the number. It was a guy from school that she was cheating on me with,” Gabe says. “I was going to confront her about it the day… well, you know…”

  “Wait, so is that why you were texting that other girl?” Toby asks. “Because Lily cheated on you, and you wanted to one-up her?”

  “No. I was actually texting Olivia, Lily’s best friend. I told Olivia that I was going to confront Lily about the cheating and break up with her. Olivia was going to come pick her up,” he says. “Everybody just assumed that I was cheating on Lily, and I just never corrected them.”

  Well, that makes a lot more sense. Gabriel doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would cheat. I’m relieved to know that he isn’t. But he did lie to me the night he told me about it. He told me he was texting Ty when he had the car accident.

  “Why did you lie to me about it?” I ask him.

  “Because, Lily is dead. There really isn’t point in talking bad about her,” he says. “And when she and I were dating, I really thought I was in love with her. Not only did I have a broken heart because she cheated on me, but my heart was broken because she was dead. I guess I always thought we would work it out. We never got the chance.”

  “Do you think you would be together now if she were still alive?” I ask, but I’m not really sure I want to know the answer — especially if it’s yes.

  “Sixteen year old me thought so, but it’s almost been two years. I’ve changed a lot. Looking back, I don’t think we would be,” he answers. “Besides, the second you moved here I would have dumped her.”

  “Whatever,” I say, but hearing him say it makes me happy. Which makes me feel bad. What kind of girl would want a guy to break up with his girlfriend for them? Skanky girls, that’s the kind. “So anyway, when are we going to do this text thing?”

  “No, no, no,” Toby says to me. “Gabe and I are going to do this tonight. You hate us, remember? You can’t help out with this.”

  Of course. It’s my stalker and I don’t even get to help. “But you’ll message me the second you know something.”

  “Promise,” Gabe says.

  Why does tonight seem so far away?

  11:03 AM

  No regrets.

  Jack, Gabe, Toby, Dad, and I all get into my dad’s SUV and head for San Francisco after breakfast. Dad got us all day passes for a theme park. I’m excited, mostly because San Francisco is an hour away from Mountain View. I just need to get away for a little while. I know that my stalker could be following me right now, but I can pretend here.

  As we are all standing in line for a roller coaster, Gabe grabs my hand to hold it. I jerk it back.

  “Nobody will see here,” he says.

  “Somebody followed us three hours to my dad’s cabin in the mountains. What makes you think they didn’t follow us here?” I ask.

  “Because nobody followed us. And we haven’t got new phones yet,” he answers. “There is no way for the stalker to track your GPS signal.”

  I hadn’t thought about that, but Gabe is right. There is no way that my stalker could know where I am right now. “Fine, but when we are fighting tomorrow at brunch, you get to explain to my dad why we broke up… again.”

  “Your dad is going to think we have the unhealthiest relationship ever,” he says frowning slightly.

  He’s right. Maybe someday I will get to explain to him why we are this way, but for now I need my dad to think that Gabe and I have an on again-off again relationship. Which pretty much makes our relationship seem like the cliché high school romance.

  Gabe grabs my hand again, and this time I don’t pull away. I just enjoy it, because I know that today won’t last forever. Tomorrow it will be back to hiding.

  I can’t help but think about how badly our relationship ended last time. I was so heartbroken. Who knows, maybe this time he won’t break my heart. I hope he doesn’t.

  “By the way, I never told you I’m sorry for what happened at Thanksgiving,” he says. “And I am… sorry. I left like five minutes after Toby and you. That night was the worst mistake of my life.”

  I can’t even smile at his apology, because that night was the second worst night of my life… The first worst was the next day — when I found out my mom was sick, and then later that night when she died. I did
n’t even get to say goodbye to her. Though, maybe not saying goodbye is a good thing. I hate goodbye, and I feel like all I do lately is say goodbye. And of course pretending like I’m okay. Yesterday Jacqueline Hoff died, and I have to pretend like I don’t know until they find her body. I’m supposed to smile, go to parties, and act like my whole world hasn’t been turned upside down… but it has.

  Finally it is our turn in line. Dad offers to sit by me, but then he sees me holding hands with Gabe. I know the look on his face — it’s disappointment. For a moment, I feel guilty. Maybe I should tell my dad about the stalker. I want to tell him the whole truth — even the part that Gabe and I are pretending to hate each other, but I can’t. I already put Gabe and Toby in danger by telling them. I can’t risk Dad’s life too. He is the only parent I have left.

  Gabriel and I sit in the back, Toby and Dad sit in front of us, and Jack is in front of them. He’s sitting by a random person, which is why you should always bring an even number of people to a theme park.

  I both love and hate the anticipation of a roller coaster. The first hill is always the worst. As I’m going up, I always check my seatbelt a few times. I have this very irrational fear that my seatbelt is going to come undone while I am suspended upside down in the air. I imagine myself falling over three hundred feet to my death. But when I am mid-loop, I feel better. My seatbelt always catches me, and I feel stupid for even worrying. But today I am not worrying about my seatbelt. Maybe it’s because falling to my death sounds better than the alternative. I imagine myself locked in some creep’s basement for the rest of my life… or maybe my stalker is like that creepy guy from Silence of the Lambs and they are going to use me to make a skin suit. I shiver at the thought.

  “Are you scared?” Gabe asks me as the coaster takes off.

  “This is the least scary thing in my life right now,” I answer.

  We are slowly pulled up the hill. All I hear are the clanking of the chains, and the excited chatter of all the anxious passengers. I wish my life was carefree, and I wish that I could enjoy this more.

  As we top over the first hill, my stomach is filled with butterflies. For that moment, I am carefree. I feel like I used to before all this bad stuff happened, back when I still lived in St. Louis with my mom. And I wonder how my life would be if I never moved here. I wouldn’t have a stalker. My mom would still be dead, but I’d be able to grieve her death in peace. But then I wouldn’t know my dad, or Toby, or Gabe. I would say that they’re definitely worth it.

  When I die, I can say I have no regrets.

  5:44 PM

  Poker face.

  Gabe says he wants to kiss me before we leave, so I pretend that I am motion sick. We go to the car while Toby, Jack, and Dad ride the last ride. On the way to the parking lot, Gabe holds my hand. He’s been holding it all day, and I’m going to be sad when we can’t hold hands anymore.

  As soon we get to the car, Gabe pins me against it.

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you all day,” he says. “It’s hard to be close to you all the time and not be allowed to do this.”

  He gently pushes his lips against mine, but as always it doesn’t stay gentle for long. Gabe’s kisses set me on fire, and leave me craving more. I put my hands in his hair, and pull him closer.

  Gabe is the guy of my dreams. When we’re touching, it’s not enough. No amount of time with him will ever be enough, but the fact that we might not have long makes me even more desperate. It hurts to kiss him. It hurts to know this might be the last time our lips will touch.

  We’re seventeen. We’re supposed to have more time. This isn’t fair.

  He pulls away. “Kihanna, I love you.”

  Wow. Those words sound so good coming from his lips. “I love you too.”

  “I know that everything in your life sucks right now, but I’m really glad you’re here. Since you moved here, you’ve given me hope, and even through all this… crap… you’re still the bravest person I know,” he says.

  “I’m not brave,” I tell him. “I am scared to death.”

  “Being scared doesn’t mean you’re not brave,” he says. “I’m really glad that you told Toby and me what’s going on with you. It’s not fair that you have to carry this burden alone.”

  I’m glad I told them too. I needed somebody on my side, and Gabe and Toby are the perfect ones to be on my side. If I told Dad, he would just go to the police. I know what the stalker is capable of, and if I went to the police that would just make him or her angry.

  “Are you going to be able to pretend to hate me tomorrow?” I ask him.

  “I don’t know,” he answers.

  “You need to work on your poker face. We can’t have the stalker getting suspicious. If they do, you will die Gabe.” My voice breaks as I say it. “If you can’t do this, I will have to break up with you for real. I won’t risk your life for this.”

  “You’re worth dying for.”

  His words sting, so I pull away from him. “Don’t ever say that, Gabriel. I couldn’t handle it if you died too. I’ve already lost too much.”

  “I know. I’m sorry,” he says. “I just wish I could keep you safe. I should be able to keep you safe, but I don’t even know who we are fighting against.”

  I would love to know who it is. Every time I feel like I get a little close, the answer slips through my fingers. “At first, I thought it was Jacqueline.”

  “Well, we know it’s not her,” he says.

  “I figured it out it wasn’t her the night of the break in,” I say. “Jacqueline Hoff is… or was… cruel, but even she wasn’t that evil. And I don’t know who is. I thought for like two seconds maybe it was Courtney, she has been acting so weird lately.”

  “Do you still think it’s her?”

  “No,” I answer. “Something else is going on with her, but this isn’t it. Besides, I think that was just me being desperate. Courtney has been nothing but kind to me, and I almost feel bad for even considering her.”

  “Until we figure it out, everybody is a suspect,” he says. “It’s not like the stalker is going to have a neon sign pointing at them flashing stalker. Everybody is a suspect until they are ruled out.”

  “I know. But it’s not Courtney.”

  “Do you have any other suspicions at all?”

  “Nope,” I answer. “I’ve been losing sleep trying to figure out who could be doing this, but I have absolutely no idea. I don’t think that any of my friends could be doing this, and I don’t know anybody who dislikes me enough to do it. It’s a vicious circle in my mind. Whoever it is doesn’t want us together. Which makes me think maybe it’s a girl that has a crush on you, but it can’t be. The notes started before I dated you… before I even dated Ty.”

  “We will figure it out,” Gabe says. He puts his arms around me, and pulls me closer. I lay my head against his chest. “I promise you that I will do everything I can to keep you safe.”

  Safe is exactly how I feel in Gabe’s arms. I will hold onto his promise.

  7:33 PM

  One of them.

  When we get back to Mountain View, Toby goes with Gabe and Jack. They are going to track down the number that sent the text. I’m excited to see who sent the text, but not so excited about the car ride home with my father.

  “So… you and Gabe.” Dad frowns at me, and I can literally feel his disappointment.

  “Things with Gabriel and I are… complicated,” I tell him, though complicated doesn’t even begin to explain what is going on with us.

  “You’re seventeen. You don’t have to settle for the first guy you fall in love with,” he says. “If your relationship is so complicated, maybe you’re just not meant to be.”

  My chest hurts at the thought of Gabe and me not being together. “Dad, don’t say that.”

  “I get it. Heartbreak sucks. But you have got to know that feelings change, and heartbreaks fade. There are plenty of guys out there, especially for somebody as wonderful as you. You’re beautiful, outgoing, and s
mart,” he says. “Don’t sell yourself short.”

  “I’m not settling for Gabe — I am in love with him,” I tell Dad. “Maybe he’s not forever, and maybe he is going to crush my heart into a million tiny little pieces, but I don’t care. He’s worth the risk.”

  “Okay.” He smiles at me, and I know that smile. It’s the smile that Mom used to give me when I did something that she advised against… With one look it says ‘I’m right. You’re wrong. But you’ve got to learn for yourself. I will be here when you fail.’ “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  His words cut through me like a knife. I am deceiving him. He is going to see me get hurt over and over again, especially if I keep up this secret relationship with Gabe.

  Ugh, why does this stupid stalker not want me to date him? I wonder. But it doesn’t matter. Gabe and Toby are going to figure out who it is, and we are going to put a stop to it… somehow.

  “I don’t think that I could hurt anymore than I do right now,” I tell him. “It hurts to even breathe.”

  “It’s not fair that your mom had to die so young.”

  Tears fill my eyes and threaten to spill over. “No, it’s not. And every time something happens, I pick up my phone to call her… I even accidentally dialed her number one time. I forgot that she was dead until I heard her voicemail pick up. I just don’t know how I will go on. I talked to her about everything. She always knew exactly what to say or do.”

  “You can come to me,” he says. “I know that it’s not the same, but I love you and I would do anything for you.”

  I start crying hard at his words. I hadn’t even thought about going to him, but he is my dad. He’s the perfect person to talk to about everything that’s going on… well, aside from my stalker situation… Why haven’t I talked to him?

  “What am I going to do at Christmas?” I ask him. “Or graduation? Or my first day of college? Who is going to help me plan my wedding when I get engaged? I mean, I know that you are there, but some things I just need my mom for.”