I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  “I know that it’s not the same, but you have Veronica. Sometimes she’s pushy and controlling, but she’s only like that because she loves you. She only wants what is best for you and if you let her, she would make a great stepmom.”

  “I know.” I try to take a deep breath, but the sharp pain in my chest won’t let me. “But I am not ready yet. I promise I’m not suicidal. I am just grieving for the first time in my life, and I don’t know how to deal with the pain.”

  “The only thing that you can do is take it one day at a time.”

  The car comes to a stop at the front of our circle drive.

  “I know,” I say as I unbuckle my seatbelt. “Also, you should that I know what I’m doing with Gabe. He might break my heart, but he is worth the risk.”

  We both get out of the car, and I look up to see an old, beat-up car parked in front of the house. Leaned up against the car is Kasbian. He’s holding one single red rose.

  Oh my God. I have a date with him, because I wanted Gabe to think I had moved on. And I forgot about it. How could I have been so stupid?

  “Is that a friend of yours?” Dad asks.

  “Yeah.” I try not to panic. “I’ll see you inside.”

  Dad walks on past me, and I walk toward Kasbian.

  My heart beats hard against my chest. I have no idea what to say to him, it’s not like I have experience in turning guys down… but I can’t go out on a date with him. I’m with Gabriel, even if nobody knows. I can’t lead Kasbian on like that.

  “You know, if you didn’t want to go out with me a simple no would have worked,” he says. His tone is sharp, but I can see the sadness in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him, biting my lip. “I actually… forgot…” Crap, why did I say that? “I went to San Francisco with Dad, Toby, Gabe, and Jack. I guess I just got distracted.”

  Kasbian’s face drops, and he frowns. “You forgot you had a date with me?”

  Shit. “I’m sorry,” I say again.

  “I actually thought for two seconds that you were different than everybody else, but now I see that you’re just like every other rich snob around here.”

  His words feel like a slap in the face. “Them who? Toby? Because he’s the best stepbrother in the history of stepbrothers. Courtney, Ariana, and Victoria? Because they have been nothing but kind to me since I moved here. Even Ty, who cheated on me, has at least been nice to me, which is more than I can say about you. You didn’t talk to me for three whole months because you didn’t like my choice of boyfriend.” The venom is literally dripping off of my words. He has pissed me off at the wrong time. “I am sorry that I forgot about our plans for tonight, but you have no right to judge me, or anybody for that matter. Take a look in the mirror before you start throwing stones.”

  I don’t give Kasbian time to reply. I turn my back and walk away.

  Maybe I am one of them, but for the first time I really don’t care.

  Sunday, December 5

  9:51 AM

  Awkward family brunches.

  Toby never came home last night, and I never heard from him or Gabe. I tried emailing both of them, but they didn’t respond… I never realized how hard it would be to get a hold of somebody who doesn’t have a phone. As soon as they sit down at the table for brunch, I start questioning them.

  “So, how was last night?” I ask them quietly. Jack, Libby, Veronica, and Dad are all saying their hellos.

  “Frustrating,” Gabe answers.

  “Did you find out where the text came from?”

  “Yes. That was the easy part,” he says. “It came from Jacqueline Hoff’s phone.”

  “But Jacqueline is dead. How could she send a text?” I ask.

  Toby rolls his eyes at me. “Really, Kihanna, are you that dense? The text was sent from Jacqueline’s phone after she was murdered.”

  “Oh.” I immediately feel discouraged. “So we have no leads at all?”

  “Well, I tracked down the location that her phone was when the text was sent,” Gabe says. “It was sent from Emmett’s house.”

  “So you think it’s Emmett?” I ask.

  “It was the night of the party,” Toby answers. “Which means there are quite a few suspects. Everybody was there.”

  “I tried tracking down Jacqueline’s phone to see where it’s at now, but the battery must be dead,” Gabe says. “She’s probably at the bottom of the ocean right now.”

  I cringe thinking about what happened to her. She was too young, too talented, and too beautiful to suffer such a terrible fate. I have to stop this from happening to anybody else. I pull out my iPad and make a note of everybody who was at the party. I can’t remember a lot of their names.

  People at Emmett’s party:

  Me, Gabriel Johnson, Toby Anderson, Emmett Avery, Courtney Summers, Ariana Morgan, Victoria Spencer, Jason Bridges, Ty Newman, Malika Sparks, Michelle Davidson, and Bay Young.

  I turn my iPad around and show Toby and Gabe. “This is everybody I know that was at Emmett’s party. “

  “You forgot Jake Stichlers, and Gary Whitham,” Toby says.

  I add them to the list. I don’t really know either of them, but like Gabe said, everybody is a suspect.

  “It doesn’t matter who was there,” Gabe says. “Anybody could have sat outside of Jason’s house and sent that text. This gets us nowhere.”

  My heart feels as though it drops into my stomach. Gabe is right. Just because the text was sent from Emmett’s house doesn’t mean it was somebody who attended the party. It could be anybody. So all the work they did was for nothing.

  “Are the three of you actually getting along today?” my dad asks.

  Oh right. We’re in Mountain View — we have to hate each other here. Gabe and Toby stay silent, and as always I’m left being the bad guy. Or girl. Whatever. My dad is going to think I’m the most fickle girl on the planet.

  “No,” I answer. “We were just discussing our mutual dislike of each other.”

  Our parents just look at me like I’m crazy, and maybe I am. All I know is that if this keeps going on, I will never get to stop seeing that therapist.

  “Does this have something to do with that boy who stopped by the house last night?” Dad asks me.

  Shit. I wasn’t going to tell Gabe about that.

  “What guy?” Gabriel asks, no longer faking his anger.

  I glare at my dad, and then turn to Gabe. “It was Kasbian,” I answer. “No big deal. He just stopped by for like two seconds and didn’t even come inside.”

  Dad just shakes his head at me, and turns back to his own conversation.

  “And you didn’t think to tell us?” he asks. I can hear the hurt in his voice. “He’s never stopped by before. Why would he just happen to now? Doesn’t that seem a little bit odd?”

  They’re going to think Kasbian is my stalker if they don’t tell them the truth, but if I tell them than Gabe is going to be hurt. Telling the truth sucks.

  “He asked me out on a date earlier in the week,” I tell Gabe. “This was before I told you the truth about… everything. I thought that if I went out with another guy that you would think I had moved on, and you would move on too. But then, I forgot about the date, so pretty much Kasbian hates me now. Then he accused me of being a rich snob like everybody else, which pissed me off. I went off on him, he left, and I’m pretty sure he will never talk to me again.”

  “Do you think Kasbian could be the stalker?” Toby asks me.

  I shake my head. “Kasbian is too nice. He’s just trying to finish his senior year and get into a good college. That’s it. He has no reason to be my stalker.”

  “Everybody is a suspect until proven otherwise,” Gabe says. “I’m going to focus my attention on Kasbian and see what he’s up to. Something seems a little… off… about him.”

  I roll my eyes. The only reason Gabe wants to look into it is because Kasbian asked me out. It’s just jealousy. If he wants to waste his time looking at somebody who definitely isn
’t the stalker, that’s his problem, not mine. “Kasbian is poor. There is no way that he could have paid a hit man. Besides, you do realize that I forgot I had a date with him, right? There is no need to be jealous of him.”

  “I’m not jealous of the guy you blew off,” he says. “Though, I will say it sucks that I can’t tell the world that you are my girlfriend. I want him and every other guy out there to know that you are mine.”

  I am pretty sure that my heart just melted inside my chest. I love the protective side of Gabriel. He’s doing everything he can to keep me safe, and I love him for it. I just wish that keeping me safe were simple. Every day I wonder when I will die. My days are numbered, and with my stalker it’s only a matter of time.

  “We will figure this out.” Toby puts his hand on my shoulder. “I promise.”

  I nod my head. I want to believe what Toby is saying, but I have doubts. What if we can’t figure this out? What if the stalker continues killing everybody around me? I don’t think I could live with myself if anything happened to Toby, Gabe, Dad, Veronica, or any of my friends… Jacqueline wasn’t even my friend and her death was because of me. Is the stalker just going to keep killing everybody, until only I am left? Do you they want me completely isolated and alone?

  Then a thought hits me. “Why did the stalker kill Jacqueline Hoff?” I ask Toby and Gabe.

  “Because he or she is a psychopath,” Gabe answers.

  “Duh, I know that, but what was the motive? Jacqueline wasn’t a friend of mine. To be honest, she kind of made my life a little bit miserable. If the stalker wanted to hurt me, why didn’t they go after a friend — like Courtney, Ariana, or Victoria? Why go after my arch-nemesis?”

  “Maybe the stalker wants to be the only one torturing you,” Toby says. “I can’t begin to understand the mind of somebody like that, but I suppose it makes sense in a weird, twisted way. The person is obviously obsessed with you, and they don’t want to see you hurt by anybody except them.”

  Toby’s logic scares the shit out of me.

  “I think you could be right,” Gabe says. “It makes complete sense.”

  “Oh great. I have a jealous stalker.” My heart thumps hard against my chest as I feel the fear run through me. Now I not only have to worry about those that I love, but also those that hurt me. As if things weren’t screwed up enough.

  “I’m going back over to Gabe’s house after lunch,” Toby says. “I am not sure that Kasbian is the stalker, but we do need to look at everybody we know, one by one. If we are going to find this person, we have to trust nobody and make everybody a suspect.”

  1:37 PM

  The pool boy.

  Toby is at Gabe’s house. They are working on a strategy, and I can’t be there. If I was, the stalker would know something is up. It just sucks for me, because I am all alone. So, I decided to go for a swim… Basically because if I spend one more minute on Staying Connected, I may go crazy. I have to do something, because when I do nothing my mind starts turning. I need something to keep my mind busy.

  When I walk to the pool, I see the pool boy, Brian. He’s not shirtless, but he’s wearing a tight t-shirt showing off all of his muscles. I wipe at the corner of my mouth, making sure there isn’t drool. Just because I’m in love with Gabe doesn’t mean that I can’t look at other guys… and Brian is definitely worth looking at.

  “Hey,” I say, trying to sound cool. Instead, my voice comes out very high pitched. Yep, it’s official — I am a loser. Can I not say hey to a hot guy without becoming tongue-tied?

  “Hey, Kihanna.” Brian’s voice is smooth. He smiles at me and gives me a look that makes me very much want to get down on my knees and beg him to ravish my body. Thankfully I don’t do that. “I haven’t seen you out here in a while.”

  I just stare at him, and his nicely toned biceps.

  Come on words, don’t fail me now.

  “Yeah, I’ve just been busy… and stuff.” Okay, good, I mentally tell myself. Maybe next time you could say something coherent.

  Brian’s smile widens, like he knows exactly what he’s doing to me. Probably because he does this to every female. I feel my face grow warm, and I’m sure that it’s red.

  “I heard about what happened with your mom,” he says, frowning slightly. “I lost my dad to lung cancer two years ago, so I sort of know what you’re going through. If you need anybody to talk to, I’m here.”

  “Thanks,” I tell him. “It’s been really hard. Sometimes I pick up the phone to call her before I remember that she’s not here anymore. It sucks. She was too young to die.”

  “My dad was forty-one when he died,” he says.

  “My mom was thirty-eight,” I tell him. “It sucks, because there was still so much she had left to experience. We were supposed to go on a cruise. She had saved up for so long for it, but now she doesn’t get to go.”

  “So your mom wasn’t wealthy?” Brian asks.

  “Nope,” I say, shaking my head. “She was a teacher. And when I was a kid I didn’t know my dad, so I was raised very middle-class. We lived in the suburbs in a small two-bedroom house, and sometimes my mom struggled to pay bills. But I always had food, clothes, shoes, and everything else that I needed, so I was very happy.”

  “Do you think your mom was happy too?” he asks.

  Nobody has ever asked me this before, and his question stuns me for a moment. “I think she was. She got pregnant at a young age before she was ready, and had to struggle to finish college, but she seemed very satisfied. She always told me that having me was the best thing that ever happened to her.” The thought makes me feel better. “I know her life wasn’t perfect, but who’s is?”

  “When you came here, did you know your mom was sick?” he asks.

  “No, I didn’t,” I answer. “If I would have known, she never would have gotten me to come. And when I found out, I was so mad at her, but I know why she did it. I have a family here. If I would have come here after she died, I think it would’ve been a lot harder to bond with them.”

  “I’m glad you’re here. You seem happy, especially considering the circumstances.”

  He’s right. I am happy here. I love my family, and I love all my friends. I just hate the situation surrounding my being here — my mom’s death, and of course my stalker. Some days it’s hard to even get out of bed knowing what I will have to face, but I will fight will all that I can. I know that is what my mom would’ve wanted.

  “Also, what you did for Toby was really brave,” he says. “A lot of people wouldn’t have the guts to do that.”

  “Thanks,” I say, not looking him in the eye. I try not to think about the life that I stole, because I need to deal with one problem at a time. “I’m just glad that Toby is alright. I will hurt anybody who tries to mess with my family.”

  “Good to know,” he says, smiling. “So I am finished here. I will see you later, Kihanna.”

  “Later,” I say as he walks away.

  I turn on my music and jump into the pool. It’s warm, and I love it. I swim around for a while, singing along to the songs coming out of the speakers. For a little bit, I can forget all the pressure in my chest and I can enjoy life. It’s times like this that I know I will make it through this — one day at a time.

  Monday, December 6

  7:37 AM

  Gabriel is my hope.

  When Toby and I come downstairs on Monday morning, Veronica is waiting there as always. I used to think she just came so she could judge my clothing, but now I know it’s because she’s actually a good mother. She shows up because she wants to say good morning to Toby and me. I admire her for it. Despite her flaws, she’s a good stepmom.

  “I have phones for both of you.” She holds up two iPhones. “They’re activated. Just please don’t drop them in the toilet this time… or throw them out the window.” She looks at me as she says the last part.

  “Thank you,” Toby and I tell her as we take the phones.

  “Kihanna, don’t forget that you have
therapy tomorrow at seven,” Veronica says. “I will be driving you, so don’t make any plans.”

  I hate that they don’t trust me, but I don’t blame them for not trusting me. If I were to drive myself, I would probably just not show up. That wouldn’t be good. “How much longer do you think I’ll have to go to therapy?”

  “That depends on you,” she says. “Nobody expects you to get better overnight. Something very tragic happened, and it’s normal to feel down.”

  “But Toby doesn’t have to go to therapy.” I whine just a little bit and hate myself for it. I am not a child, but sometimes I definitely act like I am. “Why do I have to?”

  “Toby didn’t shoot somebody.”

  True. Toby also didn’t lose his mom, and he doesn’t have a stalker. As much as I hate going, I know it’s a good thing. “Fine. I will be here and ready to talk about feelings and shit.”

  Veronica rolls her eyes at me. “You are so much like your father.”

  Her words make me smile. It’s the first time anybody has ever told me that I act like him. I mean, I always get told we look alike. It’s the ultimate compliment, because my dad is like the most awesome person ever.

  “Thanks,” I say, even though I know she didn’t mean it as a compliment. Apparently my dad isn’t that great at sharing his feelings either, which I guess I already knew. He bought me a ridiculously expensive car when I first moved here to show me how much he regretted missing seventeen years of my life. I think he was trying to buy my love, but he didn’t have to. I have loved my dad for seventeen years, even though I just met him four months ago. We had an instant connection.

  Toby and I leave for school. He is driving today, so I get into the passenger seat.

  “So, any lead on the stalker front?” I ask him as we leave.

  “Not yet,” he answers. “But Gabe and I are going to do everything we can to figure it out.”