I haven’t even let the fact set in that I’m gonna be a mom, now I have to tell Maxum he’s gonna be a dad. This day just keeps getting better and better as the minutes roll by.
9
Maxum
My head is all over the place as we ride toward Fallen Creek. I’m sure I’ll have to deal with Luca’s attitude, as well as Axe’s wrath. But Dr. Graves’ words keep ringing in my head and if it means I have to open myself up to them, I’ll do it. Right now, I need to put my eyes on Lily and reassure myself that she’s going to be okay.
She’s my best friend outside of Jaxson. I never thought I’d have a female for a friend, not with the way my dad poisoned me. Yet somehow, she crept underneath the barriers I’ve erected all my life and made herself at home.
“What am I gonna do if she’s not willing to wait while I get my shit straight?” I mutter to myself. I honestly never thought I’d want a woman around all the time, never saw myself with an old lady. But Lily makes me want those things and it took Dr. Graves to make me see that fact. When I first went to see her, I tried the whole denial bullshit and she quickly put me in my place. I know it won’t be easy, but nothing ever worth having is, right?
The women are driving the SUV and us guys are riding our bikes, preferring the freedom that the wind gives us. Whenever we can, we ride. I see Jaxson motion that we’re stopping ahead and glance down at my gas gauge. May as well top off my tank and take a piss since we’re stopping. Jaxson and Talon pull over to the pumps as well, while the women pull in front of the convenience store and get out. “You doing okay, brother?” Talon asks.
“Yeah, just concerned about Luca and Tig,” I admit. All of them, Luca, Tig, Lily, and Ralynn, grew up together and are thicker than thieves. Plus, Luca is Lily’s brother thanks to Axe and Cara getting married. I’m fucked in so many ways. Part of me feels like I deserve it for how I handled things, but another part of me wants to scream at all of them that I’m doing the best I can with the hand I’ve been dealt.
“I expect you’ll catch some shit. If you need to, toss it back at them. I get that she’s their family and all and I’m not discounting that whatsoever, but at some point, they’ve all got to realize that neither of you are kids. You’re grown ass adults and need to handle any shit on your own,” Jaxson adds. I glance at him because if anyone knows about familial interference, it would be him. DJ tried to stick her nose in one time too many and she still can’t go to their house unless Hatch is with her to keep her reined in. Although, I’m not sure he’s always successful because DJ is a force to be reckoned with.
“Gonna run in and hit the head,” I say, eager to finish with this bonding shit. The two of them have been a constant these past few weeks and while I appreciate it tremendously, sometimes, I need my solitude.
“Grab me a water,” Talon calls out. I raise my hand to acknowledge I heard him but keep moving. The sooner we finish here, the sooner I reach my Lily.
I’m paying for drinks for all of us, having caught the girls before they could pull out any money when Claree says, “It’s going to be okay, Maxum. I have a good feeling about all of this.”
“From your mouth to God’s ears,” I mumble. Not that I hold much belief in an invisible entity; after all, I spent many nights praying and pleading for Him to save me and my mother and He never did.
Rae pats my shoulder and states, “Don’t take any shit off Uncle Braxton or Luca. It’s y’alls life, not theirs. I may not be happy with how you did things and hurt my girl, but I understand more now.” Great, fucking great. That means Jaxson’s been running his fucking mouth. She sees my look and lowers her voice, saying, “He hasn’t said anything to me that you’ve told him in confidence, Maxum. I’m just good at reading between the lines and I see how you’ve been working on stuff.”
I nod, my shoulders stiff at first, but with her words I feel the tension seeping out. I’m glad my brothers have my back, even though I’m sure they’re conflicted as fuck. Dr. Graves telling me to put myself in their shoes has done a world of good when it comes to understanding their reactions. Thankfully, neither Smokey nor Bandit has weighed in because they’re too busy dealing with their house full of animals and kids. The only thing that Chief said was that he was willing to listen if I needed him. Law did the same. The brothers all know I’m seeing a therapist; I made that clear at the last church. Hopefully, Dr. Graves can straighten my ass out so I can make Lily mine in all ways.
Because that small spark of hope has blossomed into a constant flame and I feed it daily with everything I recognize is bullshit from my father.
Lily
I’ve cleaned my room. Twice.
Taken a shower.
Changed my sheets, and let me tell you, with one arm in a cast to mid-forearm and the other in a brace, it wasn’t easy by a longshot.
Gone through and discarded most of my clothes.
Paced.
Puked.
Brushed my teeth. A-fuckin-gain.
Finally settled on a pair of jeans and a loose pullover t-shirt.
Checked the clock fourteen thousand times. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration.
I’m now down in the common area trying to calm my racing heart. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d be drinking. Unfortunately, that’s not an option for the next few months. I make a mental note that I need to find an obstetrician so I can find out how far along I am and make sure everything’s okay with the baby.
“Lily, if you don’t settle, I’m gonna tie you to a chair,” Dad states. He’s been sitting there brooding for a few hours now. I heard him and Luca yelling behind the doors of the room they use for church and I suspect that Luca wants to hurt Maxum. Hopefully, Dad won’t let him, seeing as he’s a brother and he’s going to be my baby daddy.
“I’m nervous, Dad,” I admit, slumping into the chair across from him. “Y’all weren’t there and you didn’t hear the tone of voice he used. It’ll kill me if he thinks I did this on purpose,” I state, waving my hand across my stomach. “I didn’t and would never do that to anyone. Dad, I don’t think he wants kids,” I whisper. That’s my biggest fear. I’ll live if he decides he doesn’t want me; hell, he’s already said that once. But if he rejects our child, that will devastate me.
“Well, it’s too late for that now, Lily Bug,” he says. “Now, what if I go make you a grilled cheese sandwich? You need to eat.”
I grin because my dad makes killer grilled cheese. He puts several different types of cheeses together and melts it onto the lightly grilled bread. I hear my stomach start growling and I end up laughing. “I think your grandbaby wants that, Dad,” I reply.
“What grandbaby?” I hear a voice, his voice, ask. I turn in my seat and see Maxum standing there, a wild-eyed look on his face. “Lily? What grandbaby?”
“I think you two kids need to go talk privately,” Mom interjects. I shoot her a glare because she was supposed to let me know when he arrived! Her apologetic look has me sighing because knowing her, she got caught up with something else and lost track of time.
“Uh, hey, Maxum.” Lame, Lily. Really fucking lame. “You want to follow me? We need to talk.” I stand and head to the elevator, grimacing at how I look. They basically gave me an undercut so they could stitch my head and right now, I have my hair pulled up, exposing the bandaged area. I know it’s bruised and swollen and because of the stitches, I can’t wash my hair. Well, I couldn’t do that anyhow because of the fucking cast and the splint, but regardless, I feel disgusting. I wish Cassarah was here; she’d figure out a way to wash my hair.
He doesn’t say anything, just follows me into the elevator and I hold back my grin when I see Lucy making a beeline for the open doors. As spoiled as she is, I fear for the day when Luca and Gypsy decide to add to their family with a child. “Which way, Lil?” he asks as we exit the elevator on the second floor of the building. His voice washes over me and I feel my insides clench with need. Fucking hormones. He doesn’t want me and even though I’m now carrying his child,
I will not force him to be with me.
“I’m down here,” I reply, walking toward my room. Lucy stops at Luca’s door and I watch in amazement as a small door opens and she walks inside. Fucking hell. They put a doggy door on their bedroom door so she could come and go as she pleases. I unlock my door and step inside. He engages the lock and I barely resist jumping.
“Now that we’re away from prying eyes and ears, what grandbaby, Lily? Is there something I need to know?” I glance at him and see he’s shaking, but it doesn’t appear to be from anger. He looks scared shitless and I don’t understand why; he’s a good man and will be a good daddy.
“I, uh, well, you know that I got hurt last week, right?” At his nod, I continue, “Apparently, since I was unconscious, the doctor had them run a bunch of tests, including a pregnancy test. I don’t know how it happened, Maxum, but I’m pregnant.” I drop my head and look at my hands, afraid to see the expression on his face.
Silence.
Earth-shattering, profound silence.
After long minutes where it’s so quiet I can hear the two of us breathing, I glance at him and my eyes widen. He’s now slumped against the floor, his head back, fists clenched and he’s shaking so hard he looks like he’s having a seizure of some sort. “Maxum? A-a-are you okay?” I whisper. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve seen him in every imaginable situation, but I’ve never seen him react the way he is right now and I’m scared shitless. I move over to where he’s sitting and sit down next to him; not touching, but close enough that he hopefully knows I’m right there.
“I’m gonna fuck this kid up,” he quietly states.
“No, you won’t,” I argue.
“You don’t get it, Lil.” I can hear the quiver in his voice; this worries me more than his silence ever has.
“Then explain it to me, Maxum.” I all but beg him to explain his words to me.
“My mom fled, leaving me behind with a man, my dad, who thought I was nothing more than a mistake and a waste of space. He not only physically abused me, Lil, he also mentally and emotionally destroyed me.”
I have a desperate need to touch him, my fingers are literally tingling with the desire to feel his skin, to comfort him, one way or another. My instincts are screaming at me to love him, comfort him, protect him. The pain he’s exuding has tears steadily flowing down my face. I reach out and clasp his hand in mine. “Maxum, God, I don’t know what to say. I-is that why you… why you kept me at arm’s length? I mean, we’ve been physically intimate, and I consider you one of my best friends, but you’ve always held something back from me. Is this why?” Every other word I spew comes out in a hiccup. My emotions are already playing havoc on me, but this information he’s shared has them raging.
He pulls me on top of him and I’m now straddling him. He wraps me in his arms then moves until his face is buried in my neck. I feel wetness seeping into my skin and realize that this big, strong, vibrantly menacing man is crying. “So sorry, baby, so fucking sorry,” he whispers. “I’m fucked up, there’s no way I deserve another chance with you. A real chance, not just friends with benefits.” Jesus, if I wasn’t sitting down, his words would’ve brought me to my knees.
Everything that’s happened between us up until now, drastically comes crashing down on me at his words. Is he saying this because he wants me or because I’m pregnant with his baby? Despite his recent transgression against me, I love him wholeheartedly – to the depths of my very soul. I know Rae says that maybe he isn’t my one, but he is, I feel that down to the marrow of my bones. But I won’t stay with him just because of the baby. That’s not fair to me, to either of us. “Maxum, I-I don’t know what to say here. If it’s just because of the baby, then the answer is no.” What I really want to do is jump up, scream yes, yes, yes, and claim him whether it’s truly what his heart desires or not.
He’s mine. He’s it for me, the only one, there will never be anyone else who does to me, for me, than him. My body desires him, my heart loves him, and my soul needs his for survival.
His voice is low, so low I strain to hear what he says next. “Lily, when I was informed you were hurt, all I could think about was putting my eyes on you to see for myself, to make sure that you are okay. And... I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now; she’s helping me straighten my head out so I can be the man you deserve. I didn’t know about the baby until I got here, sweetheart, so how can you ask that?” The answer to that question has many possibilities.
The need to look into his eyes overcomes me. I lift my head so that I can see his orbs, I want to see if the truth of his words can be seen within their depths. He stares back at me; his eyelashes are still wet from the tears he cried. “Everything’s messing with my head right now, Maxum. The concussion, this nasty hair that I can’t figure out how to wash, the morning sickness. Are you sure you want all of this in your life?”
He lets out an audible gulp before stating, “Lily, I’m as much of a mess as you, it just doesn’t show on the outside, only my attitude. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you what you mean to me. I-I love you, sweetheart. I know I’ve got more work to do, and I’m hoping you’ll come along for the ride.” My heart is pitter-pattering inside of my rib cage… can what he’s saying be the truth? I just need to go with it, because if he’s willing to fight for us, then so am I. I need to lay it all on the line and show him that love really does exist.
“I love you too, Maxum. But I feel like I need to stay up here for a bit, at least until I’m all healed up. Maybe a little longer, I don’t know,” I reply. He nods his head, but I can tell he’s not terribly happy at the prospect of heading home without me. Time will tell, and I feel like the distance may help put things into perspective… for both of us.
A few hours later we wake up from an emotionally exhausted nap. Honestly, I can’t believe we fell asleep, sitting up against the damn wall! I feel so gross and it’s making me gag. I can smell myself and feel my gritty, knotted hair. Up until now, it’s been sitz baths, and it just hasn’t gotten the deed done as far as I’m concerned. I love the way my skin feels after a good soak in the tub, the smell of my hair after a thorough wash and scrub. I miss smelling and feeling like me. “What are you thinking about so loudly?” Maxum startles me from my thoughts.
“Kidnapping you, holding you hostage, never letting you go,” I teasingly state.
“That right? You might find that I’m the most accommodating kidnapping victim you’ll ever acquire,” he jokes back. “Seriously, Lil, tell me what you need. I can see the wheels turning in your head.”
“I need to find a way to wash my hair with these stitches and these two useless hands. I can’t go two weeks not washing my hair, that’s just disgusting,” I grouse.
His chuckle makes my heart smile. He reaches out and cups my chin in his hand. “Damn, I’ve missed the hell out of you, Lily. You’ve been the one constant thought in my head for weeks now. If you need to stay up here while I get my shit straight, guess I’ll be making a lot of trips. I still think I’ll be a shitty father, but I’ll talk it over with Dr. Graves.”
“Handsome, you’ve got some of the best examples of fatherhood around you at the clubhouse. Not only that, but you know what not to do based on your childhood, right? Plus, I’ll be by your side.” I hope he grasps what I’m saying because there’s so much love inside him just waiting to burst free.
“Is it okay if I kiss you?” His tone is hesitant sounding and my heart breaks again.
“I think it’s a requirement if we’re making up,” I reply, grinning at him. As his lips lower to claim mine in a soft kiss, I realize I’m finally home.
10
Maxum
For several hours we sit there, curled in each other’s arms, but I know I’m still feeling exhausted from the lack of sleep I’ve had from the few weeks she’s been away. I’m sure Axe and Luca are waiting to jump down my throat; only right now, I’ve got a beautiful but hurt woman in my arms who needs rest. “C’mon, bab
y, let’s get more comfortable,” I whisper.
She nods and I help her stand up before I do the same. “I… uh… I need to hit the bathroom first,” she states, blushing. I chuckle because during the course of our friendship, I’ve been with her when her headaches were so bad, she was throwing up and I held her hair back. It’s gotta be a woman thing to get embarrassed about something that’s a natural part of life. Shrugging, I take off my boots and cut and lay on top of the bed, before grabbing the blanket she has on the bottom. My woman loves her fuzzy blankets, that’s for damn sure. When she joins me, I pull her into my arms and lay a kiss on her forehead. I’m so wiped, that even though she’s finally back where she belongs and I realize that fact, I don’t get hard.
“Love you, Lily. Let’s get some rest and then I’ll see if I can figure out how to wash your hair.”
“For that alone, I’ll love you forever,” she mumbles sleepily.
I’m still smiling as I drift off to sleep.
I don’t know what wakes me up, but opening my eyes, I notice Cara just inside the door frame. I know I locked it; my mind is wondering how the hell did she get inside? Not wanting to wake Lily, I give her a look and she quietly says, “Luca has a key. I wanted to check on the two of you because you’ve been up here for a few hours. Go back to sleep; I’ll keep Braxton and Luca away until you’re ready.” I smile and nod before curling back into Lily. I eventually fall back into slumber and it’s the best sleep I’ve had since we split up.
“A garbage bag? Really, Maxum?” she asks, looking at me then the bag I’m holding.
“I called Cassarah to see how I could best wash your hair, baby. The main thing is to keep it dry, so I’ve got some waterproof bandages for that, but you can’t get your cast wet either. Thus, the garbage bags.”
Maxum & Lily: Rebel Guardians Next Generation Page 7