Beautifully Toxic

by Charity Parkerson

  The house was dark and quiet as they came through the door. Ezra glanced around as he set his keys on the kitchen table. “Declan must be off tonight. It’s almost like the place is empty.”

  A sense of foreboding washed over Theo. Jessie had been more messed up than usual earlier. He had seemed... off. “Shit.” Theo took off running. The door to the studio still stood open. Theo skidded to a stop inside the doorway. Jessie was on his back in the same spot where Theo left him. Theo knew. Before he even reached Jessie’s side and dropped to his knees, he knew.

  Ezra was right on his heels. “What’s wrong—oh my god, Theo. Is he breathing?”

  Theo checked for a pulse. There was nothing. He still tried to check for any signs of breathing. Nothing. Panic set in. “Call nine-one-one,” Theo yelled, hearing the hysteria in his own voice. Without thought, Theo started CPR. He had been required to keep a certification to keep his teacher’s aide gig that let him out of one class every year throughout high school. Back then, it had just been about fucking off for an hour every day. Never in a million years would he have thought he would have to use the knowledge. No one told him how terrified he would be.

  Theo could hear Ezra on the phone, but not a single word penetrated his brain. He just kept up the chest compressions. His gaze met Ezra’s stare over Jessie’s lifeless body. Tears flowed down Ezra’s face. Something inside Theo flared to life. Jessie would not fucking die on his watch. It didn’t matter that Jessie didn’t love him. As long as Jessie lived, Theo could live with anything. Jessie needed to be in the world somewhere.

  A group of paramedics burst in followed closely by Johnny. They forced Theo aside. Everyone kept trying to ask him questions, but nothing made sense. He had tunnel vision. Theo didn’t see anything but Jessie.

  “We have a pulse. It’s weak.”

  Theo’s knees gave out. Thankfully, Johnny was there to catch him. There weren’t enough bodyguards in the world to save him if Jessie didn’t make it. Jessie was the only thing keeping him tied to this shit-filled world. He had to make it, or Theo wouldn’t.

  Seven

  Theo hadn’t budged from Jessie’s side all night. Nurses came and went. Doctors checked in and spoke quietly in the hall with Ezra. Theo didn’t move. While he commandeered one side of the bed, Declan took the other. On the inside, Theo felt like he had cried all the tears until his throat was raw and his soul deflated. In reality, Theo’s eyes were so dry, they burned. His skin was cold to the touch, but he felt nothing. Sometimes, Theo thought his soul had died years ago, and—for whatever reason—he just kept surviving without it.

  After speaking with the doctor and learning Jessie should be fine, Ezra had gone home to get some rest. Hours passed and Theo didn’t even move to go to the restroom. It was like his body had shut down. When Ezra showed back up, looking a little better, it hit Theo how bad his back hurt. Declan tried flying to his feet and giving up his chair to Ezra, but Ezra slid in behind him. As he set his hands on Declan’s shoulders, Theo swore he saw the will slip from Declan’s body. He visibly relaxed as Ezra lightly rubbed his shoulders. While Declan might have had Ezra’s touch, Ezra’s piercing hazel eyes were focused on Theo, pinning him in place.

  “Has he woken up at all?”

  Theo shook his head. “There’s no change.”

  Declan jumped in, as if he couldn’t control his need to please Ezra. “How are you holding up? Do you need anything? Did you eat?”

  Ezra squeezed Declan’s shoulders. “I’m good, sweetheart. How are you? You’re probably exhausted. I’ll send someone to relieve you,” Ezra tacked on without waiting for Declan’s answer.

  Theo couldn’t take the waiting any longer. His heart hurt too bad. “I’m going to find a vending machine. Does anyone need anything?”

  Declan and Ezra shook their heads.

  Theo’s knees popped as he pushed to his feet. He winced as his body protested sitting in the same spot all night.

  Ezra reached out, stopping Theo as he passed. He held Theo’s arm and gaze. “Thank you. I will never, ever be able to repay you for saving the only family I have left.” Ezra’s voice shook with the power of his words.

  Theo gave him a sharp nod. He felt dead on the inside, but he still tried for a small smile. Ezra released him, freeing him from the moment. Theo practically leapt from the room in his need to get away from everyone’s stare. He found Johnny posted outside Jessie’s door. Theo kept moving. He couldn’t talk to anyone else right now. At the first restroom he spotted, Theo dipped inside. He nearly gasped when he caught sight of his reflection. His eyes were red and looked crazed. They were also black—like someone had punched him. A second of confusion rocked him on his heels until he remembered Ezra had put eyeliner on him. While still functioning completely on autopilot, Theo washed his face and hands. He did his best to avoid his reflection after that. Back in the hallway, he stared at a set of vending machines, still not seeing a thing. His heart raced into his chest when someone touched his arm. It was Jessie’s nurse.

  She had a kind smile. “Come with me. We have snacks for patients. You can pick something from there.”

  Theo tried for a smile and failed. Thankfully, she didn’t call him on it. He followed her, seeing nothing. He simply kept moving. An odd peace settled over him as he stared at the offered snacks. Nothing appealed to him, but they had water and peanuts. Johnny was likely exhausted too. He grabbed those and headed back. Theo held the items out to Johnny as he reached the man’s side.

  “Fuck yeah,” Johnny breathed with a bright smile, reaching for the snacks. For some reason, Theo felt a little more human in that moment.

  “Thank you for everything.” Theo said the words fast and then jumped back inside Jessie’s room before anyone showed him an ounce of kindness. He knew that would break him.

  Theo froze in his tracks as he cleared the doorway. Jessie was sitting up and awake. He was also alone. His hair was a mess and there were dark circles beneath his eyes. Still, he looked beautiful to Theo. Theo glanced around. His stomach unexpectedly fluttered with nerves. Jessie had almost died. It seemed intimate to be here now. Personal. “Where did everyone go?”

  Jessie’s sexy whiskey-colored eyes never budged from Theo. “Declan took Ezra to get me some things from the house.”

  “Oh.” Theo felt a bit stupid. He looked away. He should have been the one to go. At least, if he had gone, Jessie would be left with someone he cared about.

  “I hear you saved me,” Jessie said, bringing Theo’s gaze back to him.

  Theo’s discomfort doubled. “I suppose.”

  Jessie sighed and plucked at his covers. “Well, I doubt I’ll ever forgive you for that.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Jessie stopped fidgeting and held Theo’s stare. “Don’t pretend I’m not a mess. I’m a washed up has been with a dozen addictions that don’t matter because I never expected to live this long. No one would’ve been surprised to find me dead. Not even me. Do you see now why you shouldn’t be wasting your virginity on me, babe? Find someone to love you and put you on a pedestal before you think about giving away something I don’t even remember having. I’m not worth your time.”

  For a moment, Theo couldn’t look away. He felt so stupid. He had truly believed Jessie wouldn’t remember that. While he had known Jessie was a mess, Theo hadn’t known Jessie wanted to die. He took a breath. Theo was tired. He didn’t have the strength to save anyone the way Jessie had rescued him. Theo moved to Jessie’s side and lowered the bed railing. Jessie’s eyebrows rose, but he didn’t argue as Theo sat down next to his hip. Without a word, Theo wrapped his arms around Jessie’s neck and hugged him close. At first, Jessie didn’t hug him back. Then his arms lifted. Once Jessie gave in, his arms tightened. Theo’s throat swelled. He swore he could feel how badly Jessie needed someone to hug him. It was possible, outside of sexual encounters and crazed fans, no one touched Jessie. Theo understood that feeling. No one except Jessie ever touched him either.
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  When Jessie’s arms fell away, Theo stood. He didn’t meet Jessie’s gaze as he pulled the railing back into place. Theo didn’t think Jessie would fall out of bed or anything, but he didn’t want to risk it. A huge part of Theo wanted to walk away and say nothing, but Theo couldn’t. Instead, he gripped the railing and tried to make his brain work. No matter how hard he thought, nothing came out sounding intelligent. In the end, he simply stared at Jessie’s knees and spoke from the heart with no plan.

  “It would be easy for anyone to say that you should feel blessed. After all, you can afford to do whatever you want whenever you want. No doubt, you probably feel like you can’t complain because you’ve lived a life that would be a dream come true for anyone. The thing is, though, I would’ve listened to anything you have to say. I guess I thought, since I felt like I could talk to you about anything—like the whole humiliating virginity thing—that you knew you could talk to me about anything too.” A humorless laugh burst from Theo. “If anyone understands being absolutely, blindingly unhappy, it’s me. I’m not sorry I saved you, because it would break my heart if you no longer existed in the world. Not because of your music or money. Just because of you. If you don’t want to do this living thing anymore, I can’t fault you for that. I’m sorry I believed you needed me or cared.” Theo’s eyes burned. He worried if he stayed any longer, he would embarrass himself even more than he already had with Jessie. “You don’t have to think about me anymore.”

  “Theo, I didn’t...”

  Theo didn’t stick around for Jessie to find a way to finish his thoughts. He knew Jessie had issues and needed all the love he could get, but people had been loving him for much longer than Theo had been around. It wasn’t working. Theo had been soul-weary long before he ever met Jessie. He couldn’t save him. Jessie didn’t want to be saved. There was nothing here for Theo but heartache.

  The clock ticking on the wall was so goddamn loud. Jessie thought his head might explode if he had to listen to it much longer. He needed his phone. Theo probably didn’t want to hear anything Jessie had to say, but he couldn’t say nothing. It wasn’t like Jessie didn’t know he was toxic. Fuck. He had been fucking up his entire goddamn life. Theo needed to know that wasn’t on him. His eyes... Jessie scrubbed his fingers through his hair and tugged. He didn’t want to be like this. That hug. Jessie’s eyes fell closed. Theo’s hug had been filled with genuine love. Jessie had felt it warming his chest. No doubt Jessie had already poisoned Theo’s mind. Tainted him. He would never love anyone again as purely as he loved Jessie, because that was what Jessie did. He destroyed people.

  Ezra slipped back inside Jessie’s room. He was all smiles, but Jessie could see the underlying exhaustion he tried hiding. No one was more tired than Jessie. He couldn’t go home and leave himself.

  “I brought you clean clothes and whatnot. I also found your phone.” He set an overnight bag aside and then handed Jessie his phone. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like death,” Jessie said absently as he tried unlocking his phone. It immediately died. “Ugh.” Jessie smacked the back of his head against the upright mattress. “It’s fucking dead.”

  Ezra flinched. “Sorry. I didn’t think to grab a charger. I’ll call Declan and have him bring you one. Do you need anything else?”

  Jessie tried tempering his voice. Ezra was an awesome human. He didn’t deserve to have Jessie as a plague upon his life. “Yeah. Would you have Declan make sure Theo got home okay and has everything he needs? I doubt he had money for a cab, and he looked exhausted when he left here.”

  Ezra pulled a pained face. “Um, sweetie. Theo moved out yesterday.”

  Jessie fought to hide the fact that he couldn’t breathe at all. “He can’t afford to move out. We just now got his license, so he hasn’t had time to find a job. Did he go back to the streets?” Jessie couldn’t live with that. He couldn’t handle knowing Theo was cold and hungry all because Jessie was a dumb bastard.

  Something passed over Ezra’s features. He almost looked guilty. “He’s living with me.”

  For half a second, Jessie almost lashed out, but it was Ezra. If Theo couldn’t stay with Jessie any longer, Ezra’s would be Jessie’s second choice for him. “I’ll send you some money for his care.”

  Ezra rolled his eyes. “You already do too much for me. Having Theo at my place is no hardship. In fact, it might be fun. It’s been a while since I had anyone to go places with me. Being alone gets old.” Ezra moved to the closest chair and sat. “I overheard a couple of nurses chatting when I came in. It sounds like you should get to go home tonight when the doctor makes his second rounds. That should give you something to smile about.”

  Jessie knew Ezra wanted to move past the Theo thing—like he didn’t know Jessie was a horrible bastard. That was the way Ezra dealt with everything the least bit controversial. He ignored it. Not that Jessie could judge. Jessie had never been good at faking it.

  “I’m not going home.”

  Ezra’s smile slipped. “What do you mean?”

  Jessie held Ezra’s stare so Ezra couldn’t dodge this truth. “Please stop pretending like I’m okay.”

  Ezra’s eyes fell closed for a moment. His chest expanded on a deep breath before he opened them again. “How do you want me to act, Jessie? Because I have to say, anything short of pouncing on you and beating the pluck out of you for all the years of making me deal with this will be pretending on my part.” Jessie didn’t flinch or speak. He needed to hear Ezra’s thoughts, and—apparently—Ezra had many, because he didn’t stop sharing. “Do you want me to scream my throat raw? Would it make a difference? I love you. I have to pretend you’re okay because you are all I have.” Ezra’s voice broke, shattering Jessie’s heart.

  Jessie couldn’t keep doing this. “When they release me, I want to check in to rehab. Will you go with me?”

  A tear slipped down Ezra’s cheek. He nodded as he wiped it away. “Of course.” A hint of a smile touched Ezra’s lips. “I’m so proud of you.”

  Jessie wiped his sweaty palms on the sheet covering him. “Don’t be proud of me yet. This might be a complete disaster.”

  Ezra stared at the opposite wall. A secretive-looking smile touched his face. “Oh, I don’t know. You’ve never been in love before. I think you’ll do everything in your power for him.”

  To Jessie’s surprise, heat rushed to his cheeks. “I’m old enough to be his dad.”

  A snort escaped Ezra. It turned into a soft chortle before he burst into laughter. It had been so long since Jessie had seen Ezra laugh and mean it that—for the first time in ages—Jessie thought he might be okay. He would try. Not only did Ezra deserve to be set free from Jessie’s problems, Ezra was right. Jessie loved Theo. He had to be whole for him. He had to heal for them.

  Eight

  Working for Wrecker made the time go by. It gave Theo a purpose. Made him put one foot in front of the other, even when he didn’t want to anymore. Wrecker was quiet and steady. Peaceful. He was exactly the friend Theo needed after the tidal wave known as Jessie. Theo’s gaze slid Wrecker’s way. He washed, dried, and stacked coffee cups—like he had been doing it for years. The same as he had been doing every night since Theo started working for him four months ago. It was always just the two of them after closing every night. He had learned a lot about the guy since they had plenty of cleaning time every day to shoot the shit. Theo had learned his first thought about Wrecker was true. He had been a linebacker who played at a pro level. Coming out publicly as gay had tanked his career, but he had made enough money to open this coffeehouse. The Back Porch was known as somewhat of a haven for gay men. Wrecker took a lot of pride in the place and it showed. Theo liked him a lot. He let Theo be still. For someone whose life had always been loud and out of his control, Theo appreciated Wrecker more than the guy would ever know.

  Wrecker turned and caught Theo watching him. A smile lit his face. He tossed his hand towel over his shoulder and headed Theo’s way. “So do you have any big p
lans tonight?”

  Theo shrugged. “Ezra wants me to go to Jessie’s with him so he can give Declan his Christmas present. I plan to put up the Christmas tree while I’m there.” He shrugged again, feeling exposed. “With Jessie coming home tomorrow, I hope decorating for him might make up for the fact that I won’t be there.”

  Wrecker’s forehead furrowed. “You know you don’t have to work tomorrow. I could close the place alone.”

  “No. It’s fine. I’d rather be here. I’m not family and Jessie and I didn’t exactly part on the greatest of terms. It’s better for me to be here. Ezra and Jessie need a quiet family Christmas.”

  Wrecker still looked worried. Theo had a bad feeling he didn’t intend to let it go. “I know I don’t say it enough, but truly, you’ve been a blessing. Everyone is always looking for a job here, but no one wants to work. You’ve been here every day and every holiday, pulling double shifts. You make me feel like shit sometimes—like I’m working you too hard. Tomorrow is Christmas. You already worked Thanksgiving.”

  Theo waved off Wrecker’s concerns. “I don’t have anyone except Ezra. Don’t worry about me. At least, if I’m here, then I’m useful.”

  A loud huff escaped Wrecker. “You’re always useful.”

  “Okay,” Theo said with a smile, hoping to move past this. He headed for the back to grab a broom.

  Wrecker was hot on his heels. “Seriously, Theo. Don’t say ‘okay’ just to placate me. I think you’re amazing. Say it with me. I’m amazing.”

  Theo grabbed the broom and headed back toward the front. He flashed Wrecker a laughing smile as he passed.

  Wrecker wasn’t having any of it. He followed while Theo tried sweeping around him. “Come on, Theo. I want to hear the words. Say, I’m amazing.”