Leaving The Pieces Behind

by R. M. Demeester

  “Nothing,” I lied quickly. Think, Serenity, think!

  “Where are we?” she asked, looking at the building in front of her.

  I walked up to the front of work. “This is where I work. It’s closed unfortunately, otherwise I’d show you inside.”

  Mom nodded. “Cute little place. Have you ever thought about opening your own bakery?”

  I nodded. “It has crossed my mind. Just everything costs money. Which isn’t easy to come by.”

  A gleam formed in Mom’s eye. “It’s a worthwhile goal. Dream big. You have so much potential, sweetie. I always believed you could do big things. You did well in school despite… well, your upbringing. You graduated, you’re working and have so much ambition. I couldn’t be prouder of you.” She touched my arm gently.

  “Thanks, Mom.” I paused. “Shall we keep going?”

  A playful grin spread across her face. Mom took large carefree steps as she followed me. We arrived in front of the mall where she took a seat on a nearby bench. “Let’s sit.”

  I did as she asked.

  “It’s such a beautiful day, Serenity. Why not enjoy it?” Her mood seemed to be picking up now that Mike wasn’t with us which just reinforced my dislike of the guy.

  “Okay.”

  “I remember when you were first born. You were such an easy-going baby. I could take you to the malls and people would stop and tell me what a beautiful baby you were. They’d comment on your curly, dark-brown hair and your cute little dimples. You were truly perfect, Serenity. Everywhere you went, you lit up the room with your charm. Now I look at you, all beautiful.”

  My face grew hot. Mom was experiencing what I considered a positive high. She expressed so much joy. I soaked it up. But I knew it would come to an end, it was just a matter of when.

  “As soon as Dayton deals with his legal problems,” she continued. “And Harmony finally contacts me, I’m going to make it my mission to get all my kids together.”

  I smiled. I wasn’t sure Dayton would be open to that idea. The picture-perfect meeting that Mom was imagining wasn’t going to go her way. But I had to go along with it for her sake.

  Then Mom’s phone rang.

  She stared at the phone and ushered me to be quiet.

  “Hello?”

  Her expression dropped and the smile she had a moment ago faded.

  “I’m just at the mall with Serenity. Do you need me now?”

  She did some nodding and her mouth twisted in a frown. I heard Mike’s voice on the other line. What did he want?

  After a few minutes, she hung up the phone.

  “I’m sorry, my girl. I need to go.”

  My posture stooped. “Why? I thought we were having a good day.”

  She hesitated before speaking. “We were, I mean we are. But Mike is distraught. He wants to leave early tomorrow and doesn’t want to sleep alone.”

  I drew my limbs close to me. “But why?”

  Mom slumped. “He’s on his way to pick me up.”

  I stared down at my feet. She was going to go through with this. She was going to choose him over her me, her daughter.

  “I don’t get to see you very often.” I could feel my bottom lip start to quiver. I just wanted to spend time with my mom. We were having such a great day.

  “It’ll be different soon, I promise.”

  I didn’t say anything as Mom’s car pulled up a few minutes later and she headed for the passenger seat.

  “Don’t go, Mom.” I tried to hide my sniffle.

  Mike rolled down the window. “Will you hurry up, Melody? I don’t got all day.”

  I stood straighter. “What is your problem?” I approached the window. Mom tried to stop me, but I shrugged her away. “What is so damn important that she has to leave right now just because you say so?”

  Mike waved his hand dismissively. “Back up. This isn’t any of your concern.”

  I turned to look at Mom. “You’re going to ditch me?”

  “I’ll call you later, I promise.”

  “Just like you promised to spend the day with me?”

  Mom looked downward. “Don’t be mad, Serenity.”

  “Don’t be mad? You are abandoning me! You are deserting me all over again. You don’t need to go with him. You can stay here. We can get our own place, and I can help with the rent. We can rebuild our relationship. Don’t you want that, Mom?”

  The car honked.

  My chin trembled. “Mom?”

  “Will you hurry up?” Mike prodded again.

  Mom covered her face with her hands. “I— I got to go, Serenity. I love you.”

  She turned and ran to the passenger door. The door shut and Mike drove off. I slumped into the bench, and I cried. Why couldn’t she, for once, choose me?

  I wanted my mom.

  Chapter 7

  After work was done on Monday, William’s house was the first place I went to. If I couldn’t go to my boyfriend for comfort, what did I have?

  When I got into his car, he asked, “How are you?”

  I forced eye contact and tears threatened to fall for the billionth time since Saturday. Sunday sucked, and work today sucked even more with the reminder of Mom lingering. “I’ve been better.”

  He reached over and kissed me. “Maybe when we get to my house, I can make you feel better.”

  “I hope so.”

  On the way to William’s house, I stared out the window at nothing in particular. I was in a slump. My shoulders drooped and the corners my mouth followed. I wasn’t sure why William wanted to hang out with me. I wouldn’t hang out with me. I was depressing to be around. A piece of me felt numb, almost like it had been ripped away from me.

  We arrived at his place. Before exiting the vehicle, I looked at my phone messages again. I had a bunch of missed calls from Mom.

  Inside the apartment, I cuddled with William on the couch. My phone rang again, but I wasn’t ready to talk to Mom yet. The bitterness from the other day left a lot to be desired. She had sent me a dozen or so text messages and had called me close to twenty times. Every time she failed to keep her word, she always did this. I was so sick of her broken promises.

  “Are you all right?” William asked as he held me.

  I sighed. “I will be.” I faked a smile and looked into his eyes. A warm feeling formed in my chest. I could count on William. He hadn’t screwed me over yet.

  “I know things didn’t go well with your Mom. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” William asked.

  I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to tell him about Mom just yet. That wall was firmly in place protecting my heart and keeping my vulnerabilities at bay. William seemed to be the same way. He hadn’t shared much about his past either. For the time being, this approach worked for us.

  He placed a small kiss on my forehead. “I understand.” His eyes danced a little, sending a wave of ease through me. He was so reassuring, and I appreciated it.

  “Thanks,” I whispered.

  He reached behind me to retrieve the remote and turned on the television. “Maybe we can find something to watch.”

  I nodded. “I’m cool with anything.”

  My phone vibrated again, and against my better judgment, I checked it.

  I love you. I know you’re mad. We need to talk about this. I hated to leave you like that. Talk soon. xoxo Mom.

  I shoved my phone back into my pocket. Then why did she leave me there if she hated to see me like that? I asked myself, but I already knew the answer. She chose him over me like she did time and time again. She loved me, but she couldn’t put me first. She couldn’t keep her promises no matter how hard she tried.

  I stood up from the couch. “I need to use the bathroom.”

  I scooted past where William sat and made my way to his bathroom. I closed the door and stared into the small rustic mirror on the wall. My eyeliner had started to run at the sides. I took a piece of toilet paper and dabbed the edges of my eyes to prevent the raccoon-look from takin
g effect.

  I stared into the mirror and let my mind wander. If only William knew what was going on in my mind. To get out all these thoughts, all of these damn disappointments, and get my anxiety-filled mind games out into the open would be a huge relief even if he couldn’t relate. I couldn’t be the only one in the world with a mother who couldn’t keep her promises.

  There was a knock on the door. “Are you all right in there?” William asked.

  “Coming.” I threw the soiled paper away and made my way out of the door.

  William had returned to the couch. I strolled over to him and nearly plopped myself in his lap as I stared intensely into his eyes. “Do you know how handsome I think you are?”

  He blushed.

  “I mean it.” I wanted to take the focus off of myself for a moment. Selfish, I realized, but I wanted one moment not to think about my problems.

  He smiled then reached over and kissed me. “Thanks, you too.”

  I giggled. We were lame, but I loved it.

  He bit his lip. “I’m here for you, Serenity. I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I really do care about you. Ever since I picked you up from visiting your mom, I’ve been worried about you. I just want you to know that.”

  The extreme pressure of the moment weighed down my heart. A voice in my head was pushing me to tell him about what happened. To tell him about how much of an ass Mike was and how he screwed up everything with Mom even though Mom was at fault too. I wanted it not to be her fault. Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.

  William sat there without saying a word. He didn’t have to. I assumed he could read me.

  He averted his gaze, his eyes darting around the room.

  “I appreciate it. I really do, William.” My vulnerabilities were clashing. Just open up already, Serenity, God dammit! The two sides swirling in my brain couldn’t come to a compromise. “I’m just scared. Not of you, but of life. It hasn’t been kind to me. You understand?”

  William smoothed the front of his shirt with his left hand. He cleared his throat. “I understand.” He took a deep breath. “A little too much.” He forced a smile. “My relationship with my parents hasn’t always been easy. I kind of get the sense — but I could be wrong — that you’re also estranged from your family. I don’t mean to intrude…” He paused to catch his breath and opened his mouth to speak again but stopped.

  A twinge of guilt and apprehension tugged at my gut. But why? We had something in common. The only thing I could do was force myself to open up a little. Let him in a little bit. How could we be in a relationship if I continued to close myself off from him?

  “I grew up in foster care,” I blurted out. I glanced down at the floor for a moment before I forced myself to reconnect with his gaze. “That was how I spent nearly half of my childhood before I aged out.” Eight years in total. It was longer for both Harmony and Dayton.

  He nodded sympathetically. “I spent a year in care. My parents were both addicts, but my dad got it together and got custody of my sister and me.”

  I managed a weak smile, reached over, and hugged him. He understood where I came from. The relief was so palpable that I could feel the weight lift off my chest. I wondered if William had jumped from home to home even during the short time he was away from his family.

  “I’m happy that you got reunited with your father,” I said.

  “Thanks, me too,” he said. “So how is your relationship with your dad?”

  I sucked in a breath but didn’t say anything.

  “Not good?” He frowned. “Sorry.”

  I shrugged. “I can’t say either way. I’ve never met my biological father. My mother never talks about him. All I know is that she says I’m better off without him.” I grew up always wondering about him. The few people I got the courage to ask, like my Aunt Jane, told me he was bad news and was never meant to be a father. But as it turned out neither was my mother ready to be a mother.

  “Oh!”

  “It’s fine,” I went on. “You can’t really miss something you never had.” For a long time, I did feel like I was missing something. But after a while, it really didn’t matter as much. Regaining a meaningful relationship with Mom weighed on me more than wanting to find my father. It was odd: after all the ups and downs and turmoil, I still wanted that close mother-daughter relationship.

  “Maybe we can locate your father,” William suggested then looked away just as quickly. “Sorry, not my place.”

  “It’s fine.” I placed my hand on his thigh. “I know you mean well. I think we both need to stop saying sorry or feeling nervous or whatever seems to be holding us back from just saying what’s on our minds.” The relief of the situation cleared the dead presence around us. It was freeing. “I’m tired of worrying about saying the wrong thing, worrying about if you’re going to reject me and run away from my life. I just want to take a risk.”

  I stood up from where we sat and paced. The small area seemed to instantly open up just like my newfound perspective. A total one-eighty from how I felt before. “I just haven’t met someone like you.” For some reason, this was all spilling out of me. William didn’t say anything. “Someone with so many layers, so many great qualities. Someone I feel like I could connect with.” My mind was flying at a million miles per-hour.

  He didn’t move. He appeared to be thinking.

  “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot, honestly.” I took that as my cue to sit back down.

  He wrapped his arm around me. “When I first saw you at George’s, you looked familiar.” He stopped to catch his breath. “Then when I ran into you that one day and you told me your name, I remembered where I met you. I was fourteen, and I think you were around nine, but we spent a few months with Susan, I think her name was. We weren’t super close, but it was just nice to reconnect with someone from that dark time in my life. I just…”

  A lightbulb turned on in my head. It was no wonder that I felt so comfortable around him; I already knew him in some way. I tried to remember 14-year-old William but couldn’t conjure anything. Regardless, I found comfort in his words. He was like me.

  I waited a moment for him to finish, but he stopped abruptly. “You just?” I prompted.

  “I was just afraid to tell you, I guess,” he whispered. “My ex-girlfriend left me high and dry when she found out I was a foster kid. It was like it was some deep, dark secret, a plague to our relationship. It was like I was too broken for her. I guess I was afraid that if I told you where I remembered you from, you’d run away.”

  I stared deeply into his eyes, half-confused, half-intrigued at his assessment. “I don’t understand. I’m a foster kid as well. Why did you think I’d run away?”

  He glanced behind me, avoiding eye contact. “I— I don’t know.” He chuckled. “Assuming the worst, I guess. I just thought you’d want to leave any trace of that life behind. That I’d be a constant reminder. When I lived with my dad, I spent most of my time isolated at home studying. There was a determination to make a life for myself.

  “Growing up, my mom had this expectation of me. When I first reconnected with her after I turned eighteen, one conversation we had, she told me she wanted me to break the cycle. ‘Go to school, get a good-paying job, and make me proud.’ When I lived with her, she expected me to do well at everything. When she couldn’t get up in the morning or would lock herself in her room and cry at night, I was expected to keep the household going. “

  “And you accomplished just that,” I said.

  William gazed at me. His eyes sparkled, almost smiling. “Do you remember when I took you by that campus on our first unofficial date?”

  I smiled even though the painful memory of that night was etched in my brain. “Yes.”

  “When you asked me if I attended that school and I said ‘no.’ The true reason was that that was where my mom and dad met. They were two people who should have never gotten together. They were toxic together. It was part of the reason why I chose not to attend the
university. But I wish I would have.”

  I caressed his cheek. “I understand. We all made choices we wish we could change now. But look on the bright side, we wouldn’t have reconnected if we took different paths, right?”

  William nodded in agreement but remained silent.

  I had spent years reliving my earlier memories and years more trying to repress a lot of them. For the first few weeks in care, I blamed myself for us kids being taken away. I tried to replay what I could have done differently. I would have reminded Mom to do the laundry or go grocery shopping more often. She was busy with other things. But I knew that wasn’t the case. She was just too depressed to get out of bed. Deep down inside, I thought I knew it, but I was only eight. We painted this picture-perfect image in our minds — I know I did — that everything was fine. Even now I still hoped things would get better.

  “Would you like to go for a walk?” William asked. “I need some air.”

  I nodded.

  William stood from the couch and rushed to the door. He had always been a chill kind of guy, but right now he was on edge.

  He locked up behind us on our way out. The tensions were high despite the realization that we came from the same cloth.

  Chapter 8

  I spent the next few days looking through my limited belongings from my stints in the foster system. I couldn’t believe William remembered me, but I wanted to remember him. What he looked like, how he acted, something he said. Anything really. I was searching for something from that time that would be able to piece together what he was like or at least what I was like. I had lived through so many changes and in so many homes that my memories, both good and bad, were jumbled.

  I found one photo album and flipped through it, hoping to find anything relating to William. Most of the photos were of my brother, sister, and me from the times when we could visit one another. I could never stay with them. The adults always told me that since I was the oldest, I needed to be brave for my brother and sister. It was a kick in the ass to be honest.

  My phone vibrated again. If it wasn’t for the possibility of William messaging me, I’d have just shut it off altogether.