Leaving The Pieces Behind

by R. M. Demeester

  I’ll make it up to you.

  I heaved labored breaths in and out. Couldn’t she take a hint? I didn’t want to talk to her. She couldn’t make it up to me. She couldn’t keep a promise if her life depended on it. I tried to believe her, and this last time I thought there was a small chance she’d keep her word. But she didn’t.

  A bitter taste filled in my mouth. Instead, she ditched me to go with that jerk. My fists clenched. As much as I hated the guy, at the end of the day, Mom was an adult who made her own decisions. And she decided to ditch me.

  I closed the photo album, threw my phone beside it, and left the room. I needed a breather. Sophia was sitting on the couch watching television. She had already taken all her finals last week and was bound to be a pain in my ass until fall classes started.

  “What are you up to?” she asked. “You’ve been spending a lot of time in your room.”

  I shrugged and sat beside her. “Been busy.”

  “Busy doing what?” She flipped the channel. “Busy laying on your bed talking to your boyfriend?”

  I shrugged again. “Partly.” It wasn’t a lie. I had been spending a lot of time texting William, but he was at work for another hour.

  “I don’t know why it has to be a deep dark secret,” Sophia replied. “Besides, maybe I can offer you some advice.”

  I laughed. “Advice? What can you advise me on?” She and her college boyfriend, Andy… Anthony — I couldn’t even remember the guy’s name — had been dating for a bit, so maybe that qualified her to give me dating advice.

  She frowned for a moment and crossed her arms. “Never mind.”

  I was amused, but I fought back a smile. “No, really, I want to hear your advice.”

  Sophia stood up to walk away, but stopped and glared at me before saying, “Don’t let your guard down.”

  I shook my head. “I never let my guard down.”

  “I mean it.” She had her hands on her hips.

  I sighed. “Things are going well between us. So I’m not going to overthink anything if that’s what you mean about not letting my guard down.”

  I tried to keep an open mind. Unlike me, Sophia never had to jump around, waiting for the next bomb to drop. When something good came my way, it was freeing to let my barriers down even if it was terrifying to take that leap.

  “Andre hurt me so much,” she continued.

  Her eyes were jaded, and I felt a little sorry for her. Under it all, that attitude illustrated a girl with genuine feelings.

  Andre, that was his name! And who would have guessed? I thought.

  “Some men just suck,” I said softly.

  She bit her lip. “But he can be so nice at the same time.” Her face was contorted, confused perhaps.

  “Does he call you names?” Before William and I became a thing, I was on the receiving end of some pretty terrible verbal abuse from an ex. Fat, worthless, stupid—the list went on. I told her as much.

  “Sometimes.” She sat down. “I never told anyone this, but I caught him cheating on me with my sister.”

  I opened my mouth to respond but stopped. I couldn’t imagine Harmony sleeping with my boyfriend, but it wouldn’t be a surprise necessarily. She was always envious of what I had.

  I finally managed to find my words. “You know, you don’t have to stay with him.” After seeing how Mike treated my mother, I didn’t wish that kind of treatment on anyone. Even Sophia.

  She bit her lip and looked away.

  The most surprising thing was that this was a side of Sophia that I didn’t realize existed. It was a layer that I didn’t think was possible. She was always so annoying and rude, but maybe she had the same barriers I did.

  “I know. My point is, don’t let your guard down. I’m not saying it’ll happen to you, but men are pigs.” Her sorrow turned to anger as she stood up and marched into the kitchen, leaving the remote behind.

  I debated changing the channel but decided against it. Sooner or later, William would text me, and we’d likely make plans to meet up and do something. I headed down the hall and back to my bedroom to think. On my bed, my phone lit up. My heart rate sped up, and I became giddy. There was one text from Mom and one from William from about ten minutes ago that read, I’m off work in half an hour. I’m wondering if you’d like to come over. I have something I want to show you.

  Yesterday he was busy with work stuff, and he promised we’d hang out today. William always kept his promises. I didn’t care what Sophia had to say. I didn’t need to keep my guard up around William. But I wondered what it was that he had to show me. Ever since our breakthrough, I’d felt at ease. Now all that weight was lifted, and I felt like I could be myself and enjoy learning all I could about William.

  I can’t wait. After entering a few emoticons, I sent him the quick response before sprawling on my bed and staring up at the popcorn ceiling. A smile crossed my face at the realization of how happy he made me. I felt blessed.

  In my puzzled mind, I kept trying to imagine what he wanted to show me. I wasn’t one for surprises, but William was an exception. He showed me his home, he made me his girlfriend, and he had shown me repeatedly that he genuinely liked me. So what else could he show me?

  Then the doorbell rang. I jumped from my bed and sprinted out of the room to the front door. Of course Sophia was already there, and William stood there and smiled when our eyes connected. She turned, winked at me, and walked away.

  I hugged him and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

  He blushed before handing me a rose. “I got this for you.” I poked myself on the thorn on the stem. “Pain is beauty, I was once told,” he said with a wince.

  “Thanks,” I replied, sucking my thumb. I reached over, and we kissed again. “I’m going to put this in some water, and I’ll be right out.” My heart tingled. He nodded, and we parted as he walked outside.

  I rushed into the kitchen for a glass, filled it with water, and placed the rose in it. I set it on the window ledge above the kitchen sink.

  “That’s pretty,” Sophia said from the entryway.

  “Thanks.” I hurried past her. “I wish I could stay and chat, but I got plans.”

  “Have fun.”

  “Thanks.”

  Without another word, I rushed outside. Only William’s car was nowhere to be found. “William?” I whispered.

  He stood near the bushes that spread onto the sidewalk. “Are you ready?”

  “Yeah!” I looked around.

  “I thought maybe we could go for a walk. I left my car at home and walked to work this morning. I’ve been cooped up inside these past few days with work. I thought maybe some fresh air would be nice.”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t care what we did as long as I got to spend the day with him. He held out his hand which I happily took. “Where we headed?”

  “My place. I have something to show you, remember?”

  I thought the rose was my surprise, yet he had something more to show me. My body filled with glee. I couldn’t wait to find out what he had in store. Every time we hung out, there was always something new to explore.

  We walked until we came to the main road. It was still rush hour, and this happened to be one of the busiest intersections on this side of the city.

  William held on to my hand as traffic swooshed by. He caressed my palm, shooting warmth throughout my entire body. His place was still a few blocks away and in the opposite direction from where I worked.

  When the street cleared, we crossed, still holding hands. Butterflies fluttered in my chest, all giddy like a girl who had a crush on the cutest boy in English class. But instead this was real life, and William was my boyfriend. Even being exclusive, the title boyfriend still made me grin cheek-to-cheek.

  “Not much farther,” William announced, distracting my line of thought. Not that I minded.

  I nestled my head into his shoulder, and he responded by stopping us in the middle of the sidewalk and gently kissing me on the forehead.

  When
we finally reached William’s place, I made myself at home on his sofa.

  He wandered into the small kitchen. “Would you like anything to drink?” he asked.

  “Some water, please and thank you.”

  He brought the glass to me and sat on the edge of the couch. “How was your day?”

  I took a sip. “It was pretty decent. I managed to finish an order for a wedding. I had to ice two-hundred-and-fifty cupcakes.”

  “Did you save one for me?” William asked hopefully.

  I lightly ran my finger across his chin. “Unfortunately not.”

  “Darn.” He frowned before smiling again. “On a serious note, before I forget, I’ll be right back.”

  He rose from the chair and headed for his bedroom. I heard him rummaging around a bit before he returned to the living room with a shoe box and sat it on the coffee table in front of us.

  “What is that?” I asked.

  He opened the lid. “This is what I wanted to show you. After we opened up to one another, I did some digging and found some old photos from the foster home we both stayed in. I wanted to share some with you.”

  He took out a small stack of photos and leaned back against the couch. I laid my head against him.

  The first photo was of a young boy sitting with my foster mother Susan in her knee-high socks. She liked her socks.

  William spoke. “This is Anthony. I don’t know if you remember him, but he came around the same time I did.” William glared at the photo for a moment. “I remember the night they dropped him off. He cried for hours. We shared a room with two others, and finally the only way he’d fall asleep was when I told him a story.”

  I felt so lucky to be with William right now. Even during a dark moment in our lives — when his own life was so full of uncertainty — he showed compassion for another.

  William turned to another photo. This one I instantly recognized as William.

  I held it in my palm, examining it. “You were cute, even back then.” I beamed at him. That photo was of a boy who was tall and lanky and wearing blue-striped pajama pants. The best part about it was that I began to remember him.

  He smiled and changed to another photo. “Not as cute as this girl.”

  A tear formed in my eye. It was a picture of me sitting on the front porch of that house. I remembered when this took place. Susan had taken a bunch of us kids on a walk to the park a few blocks away. It was one of the only things I looked forward to back then. I stared at the younger version of myself. My hair was tied back into mismatched pigtails, and I was wearing a black-and-white polka-dotted spring dress that was swimming on me.

  “Where did you find these?” I asked, not looking up from the photo.

  “When I turned eighteen, I located Susan and asked her if she had anything from the time I stayed with her. This shoebox was the only thing she had left. It was some pictures and a few small gifts my parents had sent me that I had never taken with me. Apparently she kept all of them over the years even after we left.”

  I managed to fake a smile. While I was happy for him to be able to collect these moments, on the inside a sudden sadness formed. I had never returned to any of the many foster homes I had lived in to gather any memories I had left behind. I had a few photos and gifts that were given to me back then, but I never held onto most of the stuff I had owned from my childhood for one reason or another.

  William put the photos back in the box and closed the lid. “I’m sorry.”

  “For?”

  He hugged me. “I can see it on your face, that sadness. I thought showing you those photos would make you happy and hopefully bring back some good memories.”

  I sighed and looked at him. “Don’t be sorry. I appreciate you showing me them. I recognize you now that I have seen the photo, and I’m so glad you told me the story about Anthony.”

  He patted my shoulder. “But it brought up some unresolved feelings, hasn’t it?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it did.” I paused to catch my breath. “I just look back and I wish now that I would have thought of locating my previous foster parents. Even if it is just for closure.”

  “It’s not too late.”

  I breathed in deeply and exhaled. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

  William pulled me closer. “I can help you. If you want to find your prior foster parents, then I want to help you.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t expect that much from you.”

  “Why?” he asked. “Is it really that hard for you to accept others’ help?”

  I pulled away from him. “No!”

  “I want to help you. I want you to find peace.”

  I didn’t respond. The guilt festered again. William had already been there for me so much, especially after my latest visit with Mom. How could I expect him to keep helping me?

  “What are you afraid of?” he asked.

  “I don’t like using people.”

  “Is it using when it’s coming from someone who loves you?”

  My brain froze like a water droplet in the middle of February. “W— what?”

  William bit his lip. “I said, I love you.”

  So my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me.

  “I’m sorry if that is sudden or too soon,” he said quickly when I didn’t respond. “But I can’t ignore this feeling.”

  My mind kept spinning. He loves me. Me. We had been a couple for a while, long enough by today’s standards.

  “I’m sorry…” he started to say.

  “Stop saying sorry,” I interrupted. “I was just surprised. I didn’t expect it.”

  William looked away.

  I touched his thigh gently. “I care about you, and I have strong feelings for you, but I don’t want to say those three words just because it’s expected,” I added. I wanted to pound my head against the wall as if I couldn’t make this moment even more painful, more awkward for him.

  William averted his eyes. “I understand. I know you care about me. I just expected a different response.” He looked back up at me with wide eyes and hugged me.

  I mumbled a weak apology.

  “How about we order a pizza or something? Are you hungry?” he offered.

  I nodded.

  “Then if you’re up to it, maybe we can cuddle and watch a movie?”

  I nodded again. “I’d love that.”

  Chapter 9

  Zina stood beside me as we prepared the day’s food. My heart felt heavy. I didn’t want to be there. The smell of cinnamon lingered in my hair, and I was repulsed by it. I couldn’t get it out even after my shower.

  “What’s on your mind?” Zina asked.

  I glanced at her as tears threatened to emerge in waves. “Just been a shitty few days.”

  When I woke up for work that morning, I noticed Mom had texted me around three in the morning. I give up. I won’t call you again. Those words stung me to my core. She was giving up. A mixture of bitterness and defeat lingered.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Zina asked.

  I looked away and rolled the dough. “She keeps abandoning me.” I sucked in a deep breath. “And William told me he loved me and I didn’t say it back.” That thought jumped out of my head, out of nowhere. It had been on my mind too, of course. But I had been trying to suppress it and pretend he never told me.

  Zina put her hand on my shoulder. “Take a deep breath, Serenity.”

  I stopped and did as she said. I inhaled and exhaled a few times, regaining my composure.

  “Now tell me who abandoned you.” Zina returned to her task.

  “My mother.” I repeatedly played the events of the day over in my mind. “I hadn’t seen her in a while. She and her boyfriend came to see me. We were having a good day until she abandoned me again.”

  I thought ignoring my Mom’s texts and calls would make me feel better, but when she finally stopped attempting to message me, I folded. Even when I kept my distance, she still found a way to hurt me. She always ripped my guts out
, tearing my soul apart with every decision she made. One moment she could be patient and admit she was wrong, but somehow she would make me feel like shit again.

  Zina didn’t say a word.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I turned to focus back on the task at hand. I couldn’t let my personal life interfere with my job. The last thing I needed was to end up on the unemployment line again. That was one part of my life that I had regained some control over.

  “Would you like to take the rest of the day off?” Zina asked. “You seem like you need a break.”

  I shook my head. “I need the money.” I bit my lip and wiped away the few tear droplets that had fallen down my cheeks and got back to work. “I will shake it off and work. I do need the money.”

  Zina nodded. “That’s the spirit.”

  One day of pay was easily sixty-five dollars after taxes. That was equal to my bus pass for a full month. The only thing that taking a “me day” would do is cause more stress since I would lack the funds for one more bill.

  We worked in silence. I was too afraid to speak, too afraid of crying again. Zina had noted my feelings. If I wasn’t careful, my vulnerability would get me fired. Opening up to William had been a relief, but lowering these walls around Zina opened another can of worms altogether. That wasn’t her fault.

  I focused on my hands and the work that they seemed to be completing without my brain. My mind kept running in circles, threatening to explode at any moment. I needed to keep my cool. Zina liked me well enough, but even she would have her limits. I didn’t want to let William down either.

  I shoved the pan into the oven and caught my hand on the burner. I pulled my hand away, sucking on the injury. I swore under my breath.

  After a few moments, I returned the counter, ignoring the angry throbbing coming from my hand. I needed to keep it together.

  “Serenity!”

  I jumped.

  “Could you pass me the butter?”

  I stared at Zina like a foreign object for a moment before handing her the butter.

  She smiled. “Thanks, Serenity.”

  I smiled weakly back and turned back to my task, my heartbeat still racing. I was jumpy.