Shatter

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “I hated you,” Alec interrupted. “For five whole minutes I hated you. I hated that you still had a mom and dad. I hated that mine was stolen from me, and I hated that the last thing my dad said to me was to take care of you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I mean, what are you supposed to say when someone says something like that?

  Alec clenched and unclenched his fists. “And then after five minutes you walked into the room. Dad had given you some money to go buy some candy at the gift shop.” Alec bit down hard on his lip as his eyes glazed over with tears. “You bought a bear instead.”

  “I did?”

  “Yeah.” Alec snorted. “You bought a bear. It was wearing a shirt that said “Cancer free.” You said you weren’t really sure what it meant but that the lady in the store said it would make us feel better about our dad having cancer, because even though he did, the bear didn’t, and we could still hug our bear and he would remind us that we still had each other. We could still fight. We had something to fight for.”

  My heart hammered in my chest as my throat tightened with just barely restrained tears. “I don’t remember at all.”

  “Blocked it out.” Alec nodded. “I’m sure you blocked it out, but in that moment I couldn’t hate you anymore. I think the jealousy was always there. You were always so… easy.”

  “Thanks, man.” I laughed. “I feel like you just called me a whore.”

  Alec laughed with me. “Shut up. You know what I mean, and I think we both know who’d get the label in our little group.”

  I chuckled and rubbed Nat’s hand some more. “What are we going to do?”

  Steely resolved reflected in Alec’s gaze. “We’re going to do what he didn’t.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Survive.” Alec looked back to Nat. “Survive and fight like hell.” He kissed her forehead and rose from his seat. “I’m going to go do something I should have done long ago.”

  “What?”

  “Get my head out of my ass and apologize to every single person who was affected by my lies — by my actions. Starting with your mom.”

  I followed him to the door. “Does she deserve it? After everything?”

  “Nobody deserves grace, Demetri. That doesn’t mean we don’t still offer it when given the opportunity.”

  I smirked. “There he is.”

  “What?”

  “My big brother. I knew he was in there somewhere.”

  He glared. “Very funny.”

  I stretched my arms over my head and yawned. “Finally, I can go back to being the stupid immature one. Thank God. Another five minutes of playing the funny, attractive, mature one, and you were going to have to check me into the mental ward of this hospital.”

  Alec threw his head back and laughed, then wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Ass.”

  “Bastard.”

  “Really?” Alyssa approached us, arms crossed. “Name-calling? After the day we’ve had?”

  Alec backed away with his hands up in surrender. “He’s all yours.”

  Alyssa glared. I called after Alec, “Thanks, man! Thanks for abandoning me. What about all that brothers stick together stuff you just said!”

  Alec ignored me and kept walking, leaving me alone with a very ticked off Alyssa.

  “Babe…” I smiled and crooked my finger at her.

  Uh-oh, she was raising her hand. Crap, she was going to slap me. Well, I guess I deserved it. I—

  Her mouth assaulted mine, hot and urgent. She pushed her tongue against mine. Damn, she tasted good. I pried her away and swore. “Good God, what did I do? Tell me what it was so I can do it again!”

  Her hand came soaring out of nowhere, landing with a crack across my left cheek. “Ah, I was expecting that. Cruel. You seduced me before you hit me. That has to be against some rule.”

  Alyssa pushed against my chest with her tiny hands. I always found it hilarious when she tried to fight me. “You suck! I’ve been worried sick about you for days and then after the whole adoption thing, and your real mom, and we never finished the conversation we started this afternoon because all of the drama of our lives, and I just—” Alyssa hit me again and started to cry. “Sometimes I just hate you for making me love you so much, you ass!”

  Chuckling, I held her against me and kissed her head. “Let me get this straight. You hate that you love me so much and I’m an ass?”

  “Well…” She sniffled. “Not in that particular order.”

  “Oh?”

  “You’re an ass first.”

  I choked on my laugh. “Thanks, babe. I love you too.”

  Sighing, she pulled away from me. Refusing to look me in the eyes she looked down at the floor and put her hands on her hips. “What happens after all this? After the drama, after the T.V show — where does that leave us?”

  She was freaking adorable. Alyssa was trying so hard to be strong. She hated being vulnerable and I know it was hard for her sometimes, considering I wasn’t always as serious as she would like. It was easy to forget where she was a year ago because she was doing so damn well now. She didn’t have any more anxiety, was completely off her meds, and finally over her dead ex-boyfriend, thank God.

  “Lyss, come here.”

  “No.” She looked at the ground. “Not until you tell me.”

  “How old are you?” I reached for her hand.

  She let me grab it and sighed. “Nineteen.”

  “You really wanna get married at nineteen?”

  That got her attention. Her head snapped up. Was she going to slap me again?

  “Married?”

  I nodded and slowly pulled her into my embrace, tilting her chin up so she would actually look at me and stop avoiding eye contact. “I love you.”

  A pretty blush stained her cheeks she tried to pull away, but I held her chin so she had no choice.

  “Listen,” I commanded. “Because you know I only say things once, and then I have to crack some sort of inappropriate joke.”

  She smirked.

  “I love you so damn much that I’m pretty sure I’d let birds eat me alive if I couldn’t have you. I’d lose my freaking mind if I couldn’t touch your smooth skin every day. I crave you the way a person craves oxygen. I need you in order to fully be me. We’re a pair — soul mates. What we have is eternal and I’m not going anywhere. I think we’ve established that. My adoption? Means nothing. You’re my family — you’re my everything. I want you. So where does that leave us? I guess it leaves us with forever.”

  Alyssa’s eyes pooled with tears. She nodded jerkily and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I can’t be without you.”

  “Good.” I took a deep breath so I could calm my racing heart. “Because I know for a fact I couldn’t exist without you.”

  “Of course not.” She pulled away and wiped at a few tears. “You need someone to scare away all the birds.”

  “Hilarious.”

  Grinning, she held out her hand. I took it and kissed each finger tip before twirling her around in my arms and walking with her back down the hall.

  We walked in silence to April’s room where I was hoping Alec was making some sort of headway. I really didn’t want to be a part of that conversation. She almost died — on purpose, but still. Even I was having trouble processing all the information. Damn, I needed taffy.

  “They won’t let me in,” Alec said once we reached her door. “They said she needs her rest.”

  I patted him on the back. “We can come back tomorrow. Let’s go talk to Dr. Murray and see if we can spring Nat from this place. You know how she hates hospitals ever since my accident.”

  Nodding, Alec walked off to talk to the nurses.

  Jaymeson was leaning against the wall looking like he had one foot in the grave. Someone seriously needed to fix that guy’s teeth. He lost one of his bottom teeth from me punching him in the jaw. Lucky for him, you could only tell when he smiled.

  He hadn’t smiled in days.

  “So
?” I released Alyssa’s hand and approached him. “You want to come back with us? We can talk to April tomorrow. I’ll do whatever you want, man. I just think it would be best if we all go back and just… process.”

  Jaymeson stared at the ground. His eyes were bloodshot. I didn’t know whether I needed to give him a hug or slap him to he’d snap out of it.

  “Um…” Exhaling, he crossed his arms. “I just need someone to tell me what to do. If I stay I won’t get to see her, if I leave I feel like a shitty stepson.”

  “Be the shitty stepson,” Alec said from behind me. “I just talked to the nurse and she’ll be out the rest of the day and most likely the night. We can come back later this evening if you want.”

  After a few minutes Jaymeson nodded.

  “What about Nat?” I asked Alec.

  He laughed. “Her dad’s all over it. He said she needs to rest for a bit, so I’m going to go hang out in her room. Just bring me some food later tonight when you come back, okay? I hate hospital food.”

  I patted Alec on the back and grabbed Alyssa’s hand. “Let’s go.”

  Jaymeson followed and grumbled something about being the third wheel. At least he had somewhat of a sense of humor back. But I knew that would be short-lived the minute he came face to face with Angelica again.

  After all, the only reason the shit hit the fan was because she was throwing it — and I knew Jaymeson wasn’t going to let her get away with it. And if for some reason he did decide to take the high road, I was fully ready to drive that bitch back into hell myself.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Alec

  I wondered if I should be concerned that she was still sleeping? I knew they had given her something to help calm her down.

  Shit, I could go for something to calm me down right about now. I went into her room again and sat in the chair, closing my eyes against fluorescent lights. Sleep. I needed to do something other than worry.

  ****

  “What the hell?” I snapped as something smacked me in the head.

  Demetri grinned. “Have a nice nap?”

  “You ass. You better have a good reason for waking me up. I could have died from… fright.”

  “Did you just use the word fright?” Demetri leaned in and looked at my pupils. “Weird. And you aren’t even high.”

  I pushed him away. “What do you want?”

  “Ah, I come bearing gifts.”

  “Last time you said that I woke up in jail.”

  “That was one time, and how was I supposed to know it was illegal?”

  “Things involving drugs and public nudity are always illegal.”

  Demetri waved me off and pointed to the corner of the room where my guitar case was leaning against the wall. “I know how you get when you’re worried. You’re like a mother hen, only you have no chicks, so I figured rather than drive Nat insane with worry when she wakes up… you could make yourself useful and write some more songs for our next album.”

  “You want me to work?”

  Demetri rolled his eyes. “Why is everyone under the impression that what we do is actually work? It’s fun. I want you to have fun. I want you to relax. I want you to spend five damn minutes doing nothing but listening to the music and getting lost in it. I want you to remember.”

  “Remember?”

  Demetri slapped my back and shuffled out of the room calling behind him, “Remember why we’re so damn good.”

  I laughed out loud as he turned and waved goodbye.

  Nat was still sleeping peacefully, and as much as I hated to admit that my younger idiot brother was right… I did need a release. A healthy one. One that wouldn’t get me killed or cause me to hurt others.

  I walked over to my case and pulled out my guitar. It was one of my favorites, which of course Demetri knew. I’d bought the Tanglewood the year after I’d overdosed on my anti-depressants. I’d been in a really low place.

  Writing music had brought me out of it for a brief while. And then came Nat. My air.

  I didn’t want to wake her up, but my fingers shook with the need to strum the guitar. I cleared my throat and sat in the corner by the window.

  I strummed a few chords and glanced at Nat. Her face was like an angel. I felt so worn, so tired. My body was weak. I needed rest. But more than anything, I needed to feel alive without sucking the life from those around me. I closed my eyes and sang the first words that came.

  The best of it all is you’re still here

  The sadness in my heart and earth-shaking fear—

  Don’t leave.

  It’s as if a part of me is missing when you aren’t near,

  Yet I hear,

  I hear your voice and I can’t keep myself from fading,

  Fading into something I don’t recognize.

  How can you be both my poison and my savior?

  My lover and my rescuer?

  Shattered. I’m shattered without you.

  I can’t find the pieces, they’re broken and jagged

  And no longer have a reason to mend,

  But I want to know that you’ll try.

  I need to hear you say you’ll fix what’s been worn,

  Put together what’s been torn.

  I may be shattered and scattered.

  I’m freaking bleeding and battered—

  Torn, so torn.

  But if you’ll still have me. I’m yours.

  The worst of it all—

  The part I can’t hide, is that I failed.

  My demons can no longer hide,

  Not in the presence of an angel.

  I’m pulling myself out of hell—

  With your help — all will finally be well.

  Together, but apart, in order to pursue your heart.

  I’m going to run, I’m going to fight,

  And damn if I won’t spend my life in relentless pursuit

  Of the one thing I know to be true — you.

  “That’s really pretty.”

  “Nat!” I almost tripped over my feet as I put the guitar on the chair and went to her side. “How are you feeling? Do you remember what happened? Do you need water? Do—”

  “Whoa.” Nat gave me a small smile. “Way too many questions. I did hit my head, you know.”

  I felt my throat constrict at the thought, as if I was reliving it all over again. I tried to look away, but Nat grabbed my face and pulled it toward hers.

  “Kiss me.”

  “What if I don’t deserve to kiss you?” I whispered against her lips.

  “Sometimes love can’t be deserved or measured — it can’t be earned. It just is.” Nat’s lips touched mine for one sweet second before she pulled away, eyes watery with tears. “The baby?”

  I kissed her forehead and gently lay down next to her, pulling her tiny body into my arms. “The baby is fine, extremely healthy.”

  “Did my dad flip?”

  I laughed. “Well, I’m still alive, so there’s that.”

  Nat bit down on her bottom lip. Her eyes flickered away from my face, as if uncertain. “You don’t have to stay if—”

  “Stop.” I held her chin in my hand. “No more talking. I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere. If you want me to leave, I will. Just say the word and I’ll leave so you don’t have to see me. But know that when you send me away, I won’t actually leave. I’m going to be the creepy guy who stalks you every damn day of your life. I’m going to be the guy you can’t get out of your mind because he’s so damn irritating. I want to watch you every second of every day. I want you to be the first person I see when I open my eyes, and I hope to God you’ll be the last person I see when I close them. I am you, you are me. We’re together, not separate. A team. But I’ll leave if it’s easier. Just know. I’m not truly going to go anywhere. I’m going to fight. I’m going to be relentless of my pursuit of your heart. It will be mine, and not because I deserve it, but because I refuse to give up. I refuse to give you up — I choose us.”

  Nat’s jaw clenched
. I could tell she was trying to keep it together. Damn, if I wasn’t hanging by a thread right along with her. “Nat…” I caressed her cheek. “You can cry now.”

  She did.

  She burst into tears. The last time I told her it was okay to cry it was because my ass of a brother had done something irrevocable. Guess it was my turn. Every single one of her tears represented something I had done to her to cause this. Damn if growing wasn’t as painful as hell.

  Nat reached her arms around my neck and kissed me softly on the mouth. Painful as hell, but in the end? Worth it. So damn worth it.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Demetri

  I had to admit to being a bit pissed that we weren’t allowed to see April until the following morning. Nat had stayed overnight for observation. Guess that was one of the perks at having a surgeon dad — super paranoia.

  Alyssa stayed at the house and slept in, so it was just me, Jaymeson, and Alec. Because of our crappy contract, the camera crew was impossible to shake. They hated the invasion of privacy almost as much as we did. The good news was that Ruben had apologized to all of us this morning. Ten bucks says he was just apologizing so we would finish the damn show and he could get paid.

  We walked through the hospital. Everything seemed eerily silent. I sighed heavily and rubbed my eyes. Coffee. I needed coffee stat. Jaymeson was ahead of me and turned toward his mother’s room.

  He came to an abrupt stop, almost making me crash into him. I opened my mouth to speak, but he turned so freaking fast that I thought for a minute it was possible he was the one with super powers in our tight-knit group.

  “Dude, what the hell?” I tried to walk past him but he shook his head, then looked at the camera and back at me.

  Alec looked just as confused as I felt. Jaymeson’s eyes pleaded with mine, so I went along with it — and stayed deathly silent.

  Not an easy feat for me.

  But two minutes later I was glad I did.

  “One task, April! I give you one task! And you do this? Do you even realize how this could be traced to me?”