Sex, Lies, and Cruising

by Cathryn Chapman

  The weird thing was that a lot of what she was saying made her sound a lot like Caitlin. Both seemed to bolster their self-image by sleeping around, except that for Caitlin it wasn’t nearly as destructive as it seemed to be for Maria. It seemed to me that Maria felt trapped in her relationship with Luiz—or had felt trapped—because she didn’t want to be with him, but also didn’t feel like she could really get out of it because she wanted, or needed, the money. Based on what I was hearing, she’d ended up hating herself because despite her many charms—personality not being one of them—she couldn’t catch an attractive rich man. Luiz was the only one she was able to catch and keep hold of, and so she’d ended up feeling angry and bitter, choosing to sleep with any man who crossed her path to remind herself that she was still attractive and could get any man she wanted…even if she couldn’t hold on to him.

  It was incredibly sad, really, to realise why Maria behaved the way she did. She lashed out at other women and was ugly and cruel because it helped her forget, for a little while at least, her own shortcomings.

  Unfortunately, none of this insight helped me figure out what I ought to do about her right now.

  Finally, I said, “I’m really sorry, Maria. I didn’t know. Look, do you want me to help you find Caitlin? Maybe the two of you can figure it out.”

  “Why are you helping me?” she asked again.

  I snorted. “Because generally speaking, I’m a nice person, and I have issues being mean to someone who’s crying. And also because I’m much better at dealing with other people’s problems than I am with my own.”

  She sniffled and dragged her sleeve across her face. “If you ever tell anyone about any of this…”

  “Don’t worry, I have no desire to be associated with you.” I logged out of Facebook and stood up. “Come on. Let’s go find Caitlin.”

  We found Caitlin back in our cabin, her head bent over a book. When the door opened, she said, without looking around. “Hey, roomie, I’ve got some news to tell you!”

  I cleared my throat, feeling awkward. “Erm, Caity…”

  She closed the book and turned around. Her eyes narrowed to little slits when she spotted Maria.

  “What the fuck is that bitch doing here?” she demanded.

  “Yes, of course, I am always the bitch,” Maria snapped. “The Brazilian Bitch, yes? I hear things.”

  “It’s certainly an apt descriptor,” Caitlin retorted.

  Great start, Ellie.

  “Guys,” I said, hoping to get a handle on things before they go really ugly. “Caity, Maria was really upset by the pictures you posted, and I thought maybe if you talked to each other, you might be able to resolve things?”

  She laughed bitterly. “Oh yeah, we’ll just kiss and make up, is that it?” Glaring at Maria, she added, “I guess now you know how it feels to have someone taken away from you. You slept with Gabriel. Luiz dumped you. I’d say we’re even.”

  Maria looked furious. “How do I know you will not hurt me further in the future?”

  “I quite frankly don’t give a shit what happens to you from here on out,” Caitlin said bluntly. “My only interest was making you understand what it feels like when someone tramples on your heart.” She turned her back and opened the book again. “I broke your heart because you broke mine. Now get out of my cabin.”

  Maria and I exchanged glances, and I shrugged. The corner of her mouth twisted, then she left, slamming the door closed behind her.

  “Caity, I’m sorry—” I began, but she cut me off.

  “Roomie, I don’t give a fuck about Gabriel or Maria or anything else on this whole fucking awful ship.” She turned around and stared at me. “I got into Parsons.”

  “Oh, Caity!” I exclaimed, hugging her. “I’m so glad!”

  “Me too,” she said, leaning her head against me. “Means I can leave this damn ship asap instead of just slogging on. Nick and I can just go to New York as soon as we possibly can.” She checked the time and then stood. “I promised him I’d meet him in the internet room to look for apartments and to discuss what we’re going to do when we get there. Want to come?”

  I trailed after Caitlin, back to the internet room, and then hovered as she and Nick dove straight into planning. Finally, I interrupted, saying,

  “When are you going to go?”

  “I’m only here as a fill-in, so I’m out-skis as soon as possible,” Nick said cheerfully, tossing his feather boa over his shoulder. “I’m thinking…five days.”

  “Don’t they need something like a month to replace dancers?” I asked. I felt like I’d been socked in the stomach; I hadn’t expected him to want to leave quite so soon.

  “Oh, really?” asked Nick. “I guess when I book my flights, I might forget all about that.”

  Caitlin was quiet for a moment, and then she said, “Fuck it. I’m going to leave on Friday. I’ve got a friend in St Martin, and I can hook up with him for a few days, then fly up to New York when you’re there next week!” She looked at Nick expectantly. “What do you think?”

  “I think it’s a goddamn super idea!” Nick shrieked, taking off his boa and swinging it around his head. “Let’s blow this joint, biatch!”

  They seemed to forget me as they dove back into apartment hunting. I stood behind them for a while, trying to adjust to the fact that my best friends were leaving in less than a week. Although I was getting trans-shipped, which was of course exciting, I’d imagined we’d have had a few more weeks together before I left.

  I had Cooper, but he worked longer hours than me…and besides, your best mates are different. They’re the ones you talk to about your boyfriend, and I was losing both of mine within days. In that moment, I also admitted to myself that I felt a little jealous. Caitlin and Nick were running off to New York together, and I was going to be on a new ship, without my friends or boyfriend, and where I didn’t know anybody.

  “Don’t forget me,” I whispered, but they didn’t hear me.

  Chapter Twenty

  By the time I had to go open the Pic Stop, I was beginning to get pretty irritated; I’d been looking for Cooper for what felt like hours during our afternoon in Martinique, but it was like he’d disappeared. Frustrations with Cooper, fears about trans-shipping without him, and sadness at Caitlin and Nick’s pending departure all built up inside until I felt about ready to explode.

  After closing time, I went to our cabin, but Caitlin wasn’t there. She’d left a note: Hangin’ out with Mikhail xx. I went to Cooper’s cabin and banged on the door. No answer. I went by the crew bar. He wasn’t there. I popped down to the lab. One of his colleagues told me he thought Cooper was up at a party on the crew sundeck, so I headed in that direction.

  By the time I had stormed halfway up to the crew deck, I was seething. If there was a party, why hadn’t Cooper invited me? What kind of relationship would we have if he kept avoiding social situations together? Granted, we were still somewhat ‘secret’, but he partied with people all the time. It would hardly ring alarm bells for him to include me on occasion, especially if I was leaving soon.

  Just before I opened the door to the windy top deck, I stopped and took a deep breath. “Ellie, arriving angry and ready for a fight won’t achieve anything,” I muttered to myself.

  After I had composed myself, I pushed open the door and stepped outside. I couldn’t see Cooper anywhere, but right in front of me were Caitlin and Mikhail. They didn’t look happy. In fact, they both looked angry

  “Hey guys,” I said, “what’s happening?”

  Caitlin took a deep breath and enfolded me in a hug. “Dude,” she said into my hair, “I have to tell you something bad. I’m sorry…” She stepped away and met my eyes.

  “What is it?” I asked, worried that something had happened.

  “It’s Cooper,” she said softly. “Mikhail said he was in the spa with some girl, but they disappeared five minutes ago, just before I got here.” She studied my face and added, “I’m sorry, roomie.”

 
; I stood there blankly for a moment, only vaguely aware of my surroundings. Maybe Mikhail had been wrong, and it hadn’t been Cooper. Except… I thought about the time I’d come across Cooper and the girl in the nightclub. Mikhail had defended Cooper then.

  “Mikhail,” I said, and was pleased to hear that my voice was steady. “That time Cooper was talking to the girl at Diamonds…”

  “I’m sorry, Ellie,” he said. “He is a great guy, but he’s not a good boyfriend.”

  I was reminded of Luciano apologising for Seth. “What else don’t I know?” I asked.

  “Well… I don’t think that girl had a dead grandfather,” he said quietly. “And I think Cooper spent the night with her. More than once.” He sighed. “I’m sorry I lied to you, Ellie.”

  I took Caitlin’s arm and tugged her back towards the door I’d come through. I was grateful to Mikhail for his honesty, but I had no words. A large part of me hoped he was very, very wrong, but the heavy feeling in my gut told me he was right. All those times I’d told myself not to be silly, not to overreact, not to be so sensitive…

  I felt sick thinking about Cooper with somebody else. And I was so confused; he’d talked about trans-shipping together, and I’d thought… Well, I’d thought we were happy. I thought we were serious. Had everything he’d ever said to me been complete bollocks?

  Before I’d even raised my hand to bang on his door, I heard them. A woman giggled and said something, and then Cooper’s voice hushed her.

  My heart almost stopped, and for a moment the hall spun around me.

  I took a deep breath. I didn’t actually have a plan. I’d been hoping that there was some misunderstanding and he was alone. Clearly, that wasn’t the case. I wanted to confront him, but I didn’t want to do so while I was still so shaky. So I did what any self-respecting woman would do in this situation: I slipped into our cabin to listen through the wall, dragging Caitlin behind me.

  Annoyingly, the cabin walls were thin enough to identify individual voices and their genders, but they weren’t thin enough to actually pick out the words. We could hear a lot of giggling, a bit of shushing, a fair amount of shuffling, and a faint hint of music.

  I fished around the mess on our desk and found a glass; people in the movies were always holding glasses to walls to magnify the sound. I couldn’t actually remember which way to hold it, though, and eventually tossed it aside in disgust.

  Things got very quiet for a moment, and the pangs in my stomach became so strong I wanted to vomit. That absolute bastard. I lived right next door, and he had to know that it was possible I’d be here. And yet he’d openly brought someone back with him. How had I not noticed?

  Or maybe he wanted me to hear. It was a sickening thought. Was this just his way of breaking it off with me? I sank down onto my bed and dropped my head into my hands. How could I have been so wrong about him? I was such a pathetic loser. I’d fallen for three arseholes in a row, each time thinking I’d learned something and determined not to make the same mistake again. I thought I’d worked out how to distinguish the good guys from the bastards, when in reality the only good guy I knew had given up on me and left. God, I was an idiot.

  Caitlin was fed up of waiting. “Wait here,” she said, standing up. “I’m going next door.” She marched out the door and stomped over to Cooper’s. I hid inside with my heart pounding as Caitlin banged on Cooper’s door and shouted “Open the door, motherfucker!” As I heard it click, I remembered the broken lock. It sucks to be you, arsehole.

  I heard Caitlin shriek, “How could you?! You knew how much Ellie likes him!”, but the reply was too quiet for me to make out.

  Who the fuck was in there?

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Without thinking about it any further, I got up, went out the door, and turned to face Cooper’s cabin. I peered past Caitlin and found myself staring at Ruby, curled up on the bed with the sheet clutched in front of her.

  “You,” I whispered. “You fucking bitch.”

  I suddenly understood how Maria had felt about me sleeping with Seth and Luciano—if I’d replaced Maria in their lives, Ruby had done the same to me with Seth and Cooper. The only difference was that I was actually still in a relationship with Cooper…not that the rest of the ship knew it.

  I turned my venom on Cooper, who was standing against the wall, his hands clasped in front of him. “And you! You fucking bastard! You said you’d trans-ship with me! Why the fuck didn’t you just tell me?”

  Before Cooper had a chance to defend himself, Ruby said, “Look, Ellie, I’m sorry you found out like this, but you must have known that Cooper was just having fun with you, right? Things are really serious between us.” She sighed and then said, “I promised I wouldn’t say anything, but the thing is, Cooper had a fiancée who died, so tragically, and when we worked together before the Galene, we just got really close. When he got posted here, we just rekindled those emotions.” Since she was looking at me, she hadn’t noticed the expression on Cooper’s face, and continued, “Ellie, I’m sorry if you got hurt, but I’m the first person Cooper’s been ready to be serious with, and—”

  I started to laugh. It was better than crying. “Wow,” I said. “Just…wow.” I shook my head. I thought about the girl in the disco, all the times that he’d disappeared, and every night he’d not wanted to stay the night. It seemed pretty clear that he’d been playing me all along, and if Ruby was any indication, he’d been using the same ruse on more than one girl. It occurred to me that we’d had unprotected sex; he’d said he’d been celibate for three years, and I’d believed him. Now I rather suspected he’d been sleeping with other girls the whole time. Shit. I filed that away to deal with later. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was pretty sure Jock had been right—Cooper had been using the sob story about his dead fiancée to lure in women. It was perfect: no woman is going to push too hard for details about a dead girl, so the odds he got caught were low.

  I shook my head. “I really ought to be thanking you, Ruby, for saving me.” I laughed again, feeling slightly hysterical. “You’re welcome to him. Him and his lies about Amanda and his tragic past, and his moving story about only now finding The One to enter into a serious relationship with.” Something shifted in Ruby’s expression, and I added, “Yeah, he suckered me in too. Good luck with that.”

  Cooper leapt into the breach, giving Ruby a reassuring look and then turning his big sad eyes on me. “Look, Ellie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I mean, you’re a nice girl and all, but, well, Ruby and I are just really well suited. I mean, you’re getting trans-shipped…”

  “Oh, shut the fuck up,” I said, suddenly incredibly tired. All the wind had gone out of me. “I’m tired of listening to your bullshit.” Feeling deflated and destroyed, I said as I headed out the door, “Believe him or don’t, Ruby, but don’t expect to be the only woman in his bed.”

  Caitlin followed me back to the cabin, made me tea, and then disappeared again. I lay down on my bed, put on my headphones, and turned up the music. I didn’t want to hear the activity next door; I didn’t want to hear my own thoughts.

  Cooper had given me so many small signs, but I’d just ignored them. Every time I’d worried that maybe something was wrong, he’d made me think I was crazy, that I was overreacting, that I was too sensitive—that things were my fault, not his. I’d felt like it was my own paranoia that made me not trust him; I’d thought I was just too insecure to recognise a good thing when I had it. It turned out my instincts had been bang on target; I just hadn’t trusted myself. Well, that was a lesson for the future: if your gut tells you something, bloody well listen to it.

  I sighed and turned over, pulling the sheets up to my chin. I didn’t think I’d sleep, but I was so tired and worn out that I soon started to drift off to my favourite Coldplay song.

  Hurts like Heaven, indeed.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Despite having drifted off so quickly, I woke up less than an hour later and couldn’t get back to
sleep, so I lay in bed and thought instead.

  I was grateful I’d found out the truth about Cooper before things progressed any further. It didn’t mean I wasn’t a wreck, though. Did I love him? I wasn’t sure. There had been moments when I’d been able to imagine our future together, but…

  I sighed. I didn’t think I was unlovable. And after months on this boat, I was in the best physical shape of my life; I certainly wasn’t unattractive. It was weird, but for once it felt like Maria was the one person on board I most understood—it was a terrible feeling, thinking that you were only ever a temporary shag until someone better came along.

  Just because someone desires you, it doesn’t mean that they value you.

  I had read that once, and it was so, so, heartbreakingly true. Seth, Luciano and Cooper had all been involved with other women, without a moment’s thought for how I might feel about it.

  The worst part, really, was knowing that I’d just been a bit stupid. I’d gone home to my parents after leaving Dan, but truthfully, I’d never really left the rebound stage. I’d rebounded from Dan to Seth, from Seth to Luciano, and from Luciano to Cooper. I’d put myself out there too much, too soon. Nick had warned me to take it slow, and so had my mother, and I just hadn’t listened—I’d wanted so much for my life to change that I’d tried to do everything at once.

  The night before I’d left, my mother had said, “Ellie, don’t you behave like a floozy in a jacuzzi on that boat.”

  “Your mother’s right, kiddo,” my father had added. “Men don’t want to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.”

  I’d cringed, and then reminded Mum, for about the eighth time, “It’s a ship, not a boat. And I’m not planning on behaving anything like a floozy.”

  How wrong I’d been.

  I should have listened to my parents, to Nick, to my own instincts. The thing was, as much as I wanted to hate myself for my behaviour, what upset me most was feeling like I was the one to blame. I wasn’t the one who’d cheated, or lied—that had always been them. Maybe I’d acted like a trollop, but they’d behaved much worse, with absolutely no consequences. It was stupid to be cross at myself for behaving the way I had, given that in each instance I’d thought things were going well. I sighed. I’d always had a bad habit of blaming myself whenever anything went to hell, even when—as now—I knew that I wasn’t the one in the wrong.