Sex, Lies, and Cruising

by Cathryn Chapman

  That being said, I didn’t really want to go on as I’d begun. I’d decided that there was no point in bashing myself over the head with regret when really I’d done nothing wrong, but that didn’t mean I had to keep behaving the way I’d been doing. No, from now on I needed to focus on me. I needed to do what was best for me, not try to make myself into someone else so that a man would want me. Before things had gone to shit, I had had fun with Seth, and Luciano, and Cooper…but with each of them, I’d put them at the top of my list of priorities. Whatever they wanted to do, whatever their schedules were, I’d put that first. The things I wanted—to do, to have—I’d kept putting last. Wherever I ended up next, I decided, I wasn’t going to let that happen again. Maybe I’d find another man, maybe I wouldn’t, but I didn’t want to lose sight of what was important to me in the process.

  As I was thinking this, the door opened and Caitlin slipped back inside. “Roomie?” she whispered into the darkness. “Are you still awake?”

  “Yes,” I said quietly. “Hello, lovely.”

  She flicked on the lamp and came to sit on the edge of my bed. “I’m really sorry about Cooper,” she said, squeezing my hand. “I know how much you liked him.”

  “That’s okay,” I replied, “We sure know how to pick them, don’t we?” I managed a wry smile at the fact we’d both been duped by charming bastards.

  “Yup,” she said with a sigh. “Sure do.” She jumped up onto her bunk, snuggled down under the covers, and whispered, “Night, Ellie.”

  It was nice to have her sleeping back in our cabin again. Especially when I was feeling so rejected and alone.

  By the time Caitlin’s alarm pierced the silence the next morning with its awful, shrill ring, I felt as if I hadn’t slept a wink. In fairness, I had probably managed only a few hours of sleep, having tossed and turned and fretted for hours.

  I dragged myself out of bed and went with Caitlin up to breakfast. Given my recent heartbreak, I was expecting not to be hungry, but I was absolutely starving.

  “You better hope Maria doesn’t see you,” Caitlin said, eyeing my plate. It was piled high with food. “She’ll say something cutting about eating your feelings.”

  “Mmph,” I said, sitting down at a table. “Well, she can say whatever she wants, but I’m hungry.” I sighed, and then said, “You know, I don’t really want to see Cooper, except…”

  Caitlin filched a hash brown from my plate. “Yeah, I get it,” she said.

  I wasn’t quite sure why I wanted to see Cooper, though. Did I want him to apologise? Beg my forgiveness? If so, then it would be a cold day in Hell before that happened. No, it would be better if he were embarrassed and small, ashamed of his behaviour. I sighed and popped a piece of bacon into my mouth; that was also highly unlikely.

  As I was contemplating this, a group entered the mess, and as I looked up, I caught Cooper’s eye. I managed not to choke on the bacon and quickly looked back down.

  “Ellie!” he called out.

  “Don’t say anything,” Caitlin murmured. I was glad to have her support.

  I nibbled on a few things before sneaking another glance towards the door. Cooper was still standing there, staring my way, looking red and flustered. That was certainly unlike Mr Cool, Calm, and Collected.

  Looking annoyed, he marched over to Caitlin and me. “Ellie,” he said as he approached our table.

  “Just go away, Cooper,” said Caitlin, putting down her cutlery. “Leave Ellie alone. You’ve done enough.”

  My mouth opened, but no words came out. My heart was thumping so hard, I could feel it in the back of my throat.

  “Fuck off, Caitlin. This is between Ellie and me,” Cooper said, folding his arms and facing me, trying to edge Caitlin out of the conversation. “Ellie, please, listen to me,” he said, kneeling down next to my chair. “I’m so sorry about last night; you’ve got to believe that nothing actually happened.” He was looking at me with his puppy dog eyes. Oh, how I loved those eyes.

  No, wait, hang on a minute. I wasn’t going to get dragged back in by a pair of sad eyes. I’d been proud of myself for taking a stand last night, and I wasn’t going to let that get brushed under the table, no matter how strong Cooper’s magnetic aura was.

  “Cooper,” I said gently, “if you think you’re going to convince me of that, you’re batty. Or have you just managed to rewrite yesterday’s events for yourself?”

  “Ellie, honestly, with that whole display you and Caitlin put on the other night, I didn’t think you were very serious about me.” Oh, for fuck’s sake. I could feel Caitlin seething beside me, but she stayed quiet. “And I was so upset that you were leaving me for another ship,” Cooper continued, “I acted out. I had drinks with Ruby in the jacuzzi because we’re old friends, and I did take her to my cabin… To punish you for hurting me. Things did start to progress a little, but I stopped them before anything serious happened. I know I said that stuff about her and I being well suited, but it was just to stop her from acting crazy after I’d just rejected her. You know how I feel about you.”

  “Cooper,” I said, “I told you that I wanted you to trans-ship with me. You said you’d try to do so. Regardless of whatever happened afterwards, that at least was made clear. You don’t get to suddenly claim that I hurt you because I’m taking the offer to trans-ship, and you especially don’t get to use that as an excuse for cheating on me.”

  “Ellie—” he began

  “No,” I said. I knew the truth. I deserved better. “You know, I never should have trusted you. You were too good to be true, and any time I had doubts, you threw them back in my face. You started to make me feel like I was going crazy, like there was something wrong with me, when we both know that you were the real problem.” I shook my head, trying to ignore the fact that our conversation had attracted the attention of a number of people around us. “I shouldn’t have trusted you before, and I’m not going to make that mistake again. Now, if you don’t mind, piss off, because I’m hungry.” I picked up my knife and fork again and carefully ignored him.

  Cooper’s demeanour changed, like the flick of a switch. He got up, saying, “Fine, Ellie. If you can find someone else to put up with your clingy bullshit and paranoia, then go right ahead. Just don’t come crying to me when you end up alone.” Then he turned and walked away, past the table of photographers, and towards the door.

  “Oh, Cooper,” I called after him. He stopped and looked around, apparently ready to deliver another insult. I smiled sweetly. “I know you said something about shaving ‘down there’ because of the heat, but I know the real reason.” I held up my fork, on which I’d speared a small link sausage. “I hate to break it to you, but three inches is three inches, no matter which way you shave it.”

  Cooper’s face turned bright red, and laughter burst out at several tables. He slammed the door behind him as he left the mess, and I sank down into my seat, letting my fork clatter to my plate.

  “Well,” I said after a moment, “that was…fun.” I felt a bit ill.

  “Sweetie, let’s eat something quick and go,” Caitlin said, placing her hand on mine. “Yeah?”

  I wasn’t very hungry anymore, so I finished my hash browns and followed Caitlin out of the mess. As we reached the table right before the door, a girl I didn’t recognise reached out to stop us.

  “Good on you, girl,” she said, smiling supportively. “He screwed me his first week on board, and then never spoke to me again.” She shook her head in disgust.

  Ah, and there was my confirmation that Cooper’s lies had gone beyond me and Ruby. It was depressing to realise that not only was he a serial liar and manwhore, but that I hadn’t suspected anything. Ugh, the things I’d said to him… The things we’d done! I knew she’d only been trying to be supportive, but at that moment I just needed to get away, so without saying anything I bolted for the door, and headed back to the cabin to hide under the covers until I could leave the ship.

  Hiding in the cabin except for when I had to wor
k ensured that I didn’t run into Cooper again. Hooray for small favours. The week passed incredibly quickly, and in no time at all, it was Friday. St Martin day. The day Caitlin was leaving.

  She had to report to the crew purser first thing in the morning, so we were up extremely early. “Dude,” Caitlin said, “I know you’re supposed to be trans-shipping, but you really need to come to New York. Nick and I won’t be the same without you…and we will have SO much fun!”

  “What about a visa?” I asked, thinking of the horror stories I’d heard about the American government.

  “Come on a visitor visa, and we’ll work something out,” Caitlin said, waving away my worries. “I’ve heard people do it all the time.”

  “I’ll think about it, Caity,” I said. “It’s just… After everything with Cooper, I don’t want to hang around here anymore for a moment longer.”

  “I totally understand,” she said. “I can’t wait to get out of here either. I still want to poke Gabriel’s fucking eyes out.”

  Nick joined us for the sombre walk down to the purser’s office. He’d spent most of his free time during the week with the two of us; he’d felt awful about not being around for the Cooper fiasco, but he’d more than made up for it in the days that had followed.

  He helped with Caitlin’s bags while I held her hand tightly. I hated goodbyes.

  “Well, you can at least come to visit, you silly goose,” Caitlin said, pulling me into a hug. “I’ll send you a text as soon as we get an apartment and find out the lay of the land. There’s a lot of partying to be done in New York, you know.”

  “We’re going to New York, biatch!” Nick hollered, as though Caitlin wasn’t standing right next to him.

  After Caitlin left, I wiped away my tears, and Nick put his arm around me for the walk back to my cabin. I wasn’t really in the mood for St Martin. “I think I’m going to lie down for a while,” I told him, now feeling lower than I did already.

  “Ellie…” Nick stopped in front of my cabin and turned me to face him. “I know you feel like shit right now, but you know the problem, don’t you?” I nodded. “And before you say anything, it’s not for the reason you think… You’re measuring yourself by the value Dan showed for you when he started treating you like dirt. He said you were fat and boring and not worth shagging, and you wanted to prove him wrong. This is coming from someone who knows from personal experience.” He smiled sadly.

  This was quite a revelation—Nick had never showed that kind of vulnerability when it came to men. “Really?” I asked, surprised. “You never talk about that stuff.”

  “Let’s just say that lessons have been learned, Princess,” he said, still sounding uncharacteristically serious. “I guess it’s why I’m so flippant with everything these days…” He took a deep breath and said, “Anyway, you are worth so much more, and I hope you realise that.”

  Just when you least expected it, the boy with the feather boa came out with a pearl of wisdom.

  “But don’t feel bad, Princess,” he added, sounding more like himself. “Someday you’ll be as wise as me.” He winked. “I’ll come get you for an early dinner at four,” he said, hugging me tightly.

  Inside the cabin, I flicked on my bed light and lay down to think. I had come aboard to have fun and further my career. I thought back over the last few months. I’d had a lot of fun, made a lot of mistakes, and while I’d amassed a decent number of photographs, including a few good enough for my portfolio, I hadn’t taken nearly as many as I should have.

  Why had that happened? The more I thought about it, the more I realised that I’d kept letting the men get in the way of my passion for photography. And that was something important to take away with me: I defaulted into making myself into the woman I thought a man wanted, instead of being myself and waiting for a man who loved me for me. I thought of Jock, and realised I actually felt worse about hurting him, about losing him, than I did about Cooper cheating on me. They were different feelings, but I really regretted not valuing Jock enough. Cooper and Ruby, though…well, they’d done me a favour.

  Right. I gave a decisive nod. Enough moping. It was time to get properly excited about my new move. I was actually going to work as a photographer! Yes, it was still gangway photos and restaurants, but I could officially write ‘photographer’ on my CV. I’d wanted this since I was a kid—and now it was finally here.

  Damn it, I was going to be trans-shipped and enjoy it. I’d avoid men, go to bed early, save some money, and work on my craft. For real, this time. I needed to focus on me and my dreams—it had just taken me a while to realise it.

  That settled, I bounced out of bed and tracked Nick down in his cabin, eager to celebrate. He pulled out the bottle of Kahlua Caitlin had left in his cabin and banged down two shot glasses.

  “To Ellie,” he said dramatically, handing me one, “and her fantastic, new, exciting life!”

  I raised the shot to Nick. “And to you and Caitlin—I promise I’ll come visit you in New York!”

  We both downed our shots, and as Nick poured another, I said thoughtfully, “Now, I wonder where they’re going to send me?”

  Epilogue

  The cold hit me like a bucket of fresh snow as I exited Vancouver International Airport. Why on earth would a cruise to somewhere so warm start out somewhere so damn freezing? I thought back to the coldness of England and decided Vancouver wasn’t that bad—but after months in the Caribbean, it definitely felt cold.

  As I got onto the cruise line’s mini bus, I looked down at the letter they’d faxed me, containing the details of my new posting.

  Position: Photographer – Level Two

  Contract length: Six months

  Ship: Triton

  Departure dock: Cruise Ship Terminal,

  Canada Place, 100 The Pointe,

  999 Canada Place

  Vancouver, BC V6C 3T4

  I was going to be doing a weekly run to Hawaii! Having dreamt of attending a luau since I was a child, I couldn’t be more excited. Visiting so many naturally beautiful locations also meant I could work on building my portfolio. I would be knocking on National Geographic’s door before long. And I wouldn’t even need Cooper’s probably fake friend to do it.

  After a half hour trip, I stepped off the bus and walked towards the gangway with my fellow newbies, glad to feel a bit more at ease than last time. Now I was a seasoned pro, or at least I pretended to be, nodding and smiling at the people I passed. The sea of crew milling about in front of me seemed to part, and I found myself looking directly into a pair of beautiful blue eyes. I squinted a little as I registered the familiar face, wondering if I was seeing things.

  What the…?

  Was this a setup? Had my trans-shipping been secretly arranged so that I’d be sent to this particular ship?

  A big smile spread across my face because I actually didn’t care how I’d ended up here. At least I was here.

  And so was he.

  “Well, hello there, lass,” said Jock, opening his arms for a hug. “I’m glad you finally made it.”

  I sank into his arms and breathed in his familiar, comforting smell. It was the absolute perfect ending and beginning, all at the same time. Fate had taken care of everything, after all.

  – The End –

  Author’s Note and Contact Details

  I hope you enjoyed the book as much as I enjoyed writing it.

  Okay, so that’s partially a lie. I nearly died from exhaustion writing this book while working full-time and looking after my beautiful baby, who loved to wake me up for a feed just as my head hit the pillow around midnight, then woke up again for the new day at 5am with an absurd amount of energy.

  The thing which kept me going was the thought that one day I might make a living from writing books. If everything went to plan (combined with a few prayers and a whole lot of luck), I could quit my day job and do something I loved—something I finally worked out I’m reasonably good at. And with all the crazy shit I’ve done to inspire me,
I’ve got loads more books in me…

  But I need your help. Books—especially ones by debut authors—are usually noticed because of the number of reviews they receive on bookseller websites, Goodreads, etc. If you could write a review, even a couple of sentences, I would greatly appreciate it. Just be honest, and simply write what you’d tell your best friend.

  And please go to www.cathrynchapman.net to sign up for my newsletter. I’ll have someone to tell about my latest books, and you’ll have the opportunity to win some groovy giveaways. I’ll occasionally get around to telling you my latest news, and I promise I won’t sell your details. You can also read stuff about me, follow my blog, and more.

  I’d love to hear from you. Please contact me via facebook, twitter, or email to give me feedback or have a chat.

  Thanks again. The fact you even read this far totally rocks. Cath xx

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  Love, Drugs, and New York

  Sailing around the Hawaiian Islands on her new cruise ship, Ellie is happy to have finally found her place in the world. She’s pursing her dream of being a photographer and is in a relationship with the greatest guy she’s ever known—and even better, he’s the marrying kind, so she knows he won’t break her heart like every other man she’s been with.