Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  Kicking the blankets off of me, I get out of bed and head for the shower with a little pep to my step. After showering, I get dressed in a pair of nice black slacks and a light blue, long sleeved, wrapped shirt that show just a hint of cleavage. I usually don’t wear this shirt but I want to today. It’s nice and used to be one of my favorite shirts. I blow dry my hair before curling the ends and making sure my blonde curls fall nicely down my shoulders. After spending a little longer on my makeup than I usually do, I smile at the final product.

  It’s not every day that I think I’m pretty, but looking at myself, my blue eyes shining, I can’t help the well of confidence today. Tears rush to my eyes but I hold them back. I can’t let them go, I’ve polished myself up to find this girl and I can’t let her go, not yet. As my eyes travel over my rosy cheeks, my sweet nose and beautifully done up lips, I can’t help but ask myself, where did this girl run off to? Why has she been hiding and when did I stop caring about the way I look?

  Sliding into my only pair of heels, I head into the kitchen for some cereal. Sitting down with my bowl, I’m about to dig in when the door opens.

  Oh shit.

  Rob looks tired and irritated, looking every one of his thirty-six years. My heart instantly speeds up as my palms go all clammy and I can’t seem to swallow around the lump in my throat. What the hell is he doing home already? I usually don’t see him in the morning, since I leave before he gets home and I sure as hell don’t want to see him this morning. Not this one. I need this one to start off well, and dealing with Rob Moore causes one thing.

  Hell.

  When he turns to look at me, it’s only for a second before he looks away. But, just as quickly, he looks right back, his brows knotting together as his head cocks to the side.

  I’m busted.

  I never get dressed up, hardly ever wear makeup or heels. I expect him to say something but he doesn’t as he storms into the kitchen, his eyes raking up and down my body. I don’t dare look him in the eyes. Will he suspect something? Will he know that I’m dressing up to impress a man that I’ll never have the chance to touch or kiss?

  “Where you going?”

  I shrug. “To work.”

  “Like that?”

  I look down at my outfit and then nod. “Yeah, what’s wrong?”

  “You look like a painted whore. Go change and wash your face.”

  I shake my head, still not looking at him as I say, “I do not. I look nice. I’m the manager of the office, Rob. I have a meeting today and I have to look nice.”

  I feel his eyes on me as I stand. I’ve lost my appetite and I need to get out of here. I don’t trust him and I’m not changing or washing my face. I look amazing, I know I do. Moving past him to the sink, I feel his eyes still on me, and for a split second I think I’m going to get away but just as fast as the thought came, his hand latches around my arm, squeezing it before he pulls me back toward him, causing the milk from my bowl to slosh onto the floor and all over his pants.

  Ah, crap.

  His face turns red. My heart starts to pound and I want to run.

  “Fuck!”

  “I’m sorry, I wasn’t holding the bowl right,” I say quickly, moving away and grabbing a towel.

  He snatches it from me and wipes his legs before sneering up at me. “I told you, you look like a slut. Go fucking wash your face.”

  “And I said I don’t,” I automatically say. “Please, let me be Rob. I have to get to work. I have a big meeting today.”

  His eyes narrow as he holds my gaze. I wish that the guy that I fell in love with would look back at me. That Rob would never tell me I looked like a slut. He was controlling but he was always thought I was beautiful. What happened? What had I done to change him into this monster?

  “I don’t like you working there.”

  I try to move away but he’s holding me hostage with his dark eyes. I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything and finally will my legs to move. Reaching for my bag and purse off the couch, I go to the door, but his words stop me.

  “What has gotten into you?”

  I turn and look at him. His face is set in a sneer. His body is taut, his fists balled up at his sides. My chest tightens with fear of what he might do next. I might not make it out of this house unscathed if I don’t play this right.

  Fidgeting with the strap to my purse, I ask, “What do you mean?”

  “You are deliberately ignoring what I told you to do and I don’t fucking like it.”

  I want to say is ‘fuck off’ but I know that won’t go over well, plus I don’t have the guts to ever say that. If I did, I’d more than likely be reapplying makeup since I’d have a black eye to cover up. Looking up at him, I meet his eyes. I hate the way he looks at me, as if I’m covered in skunks. Like the sight of me actually hurts him or something. I feel horrible and my confidence falters as I slowly take in a breath. Maybe I’m not as beautiful as I felt twenty minutes ago.

  “I’m sorry, it’s only for the meeting. I’ll wash it off once I’m done. I just want to look nice.”

  Rob eyes me before running his hand through his hair. I hate being under his gaze like this. It makes my heart beat so hard and loud that I’m sure it’s cracking ribs, ready to explode from my chest. I fear that he’s going to start screaming, maybe grab for me again, and force me to wash my face and change. I should have just kept going, shut the door and run to my car, but then again, knowing him, he’d chase me down.

  Swallowing loudly, I squeeze the straps to my bag, preparing myself for the worst when he says, “You’re lucky I’m tired or this would have ended differently.”

  I don’t doubt that one bit, but I’m not telling him that.

  Reaching for the door, I leave without even saying goodbye. Once in my car and on my way to the office, my eyes suddenly fill with tears. I don’t want to go to work, or better yet, the meeting with Tucker. I want to run inside and wash my face, change into something that covers every inch of me. I want to run and hide.

  But, more than that, I want to feel like I did when I saw the gorgeous girl I miss more than anything staring back at me in my bathroom mirror. I fear that in that short ten-minute interaction with Rob, she may be lost again.

  I spend most of the day in my office. Usually, I go out and mingle with my co-workers, make sure they’re doing well, but today I want to be alone. Every time I look at the clock on my computer, I cringe. It seems that the day is flying by, something that never happens when I want it too, and soon, it will be time for my meeting with Tucker. I’m dreading it. I washed my face once I got here, and even safety pinned my shirt closed more. I can’t believe I did it either, but I did, and I feel even worse than I did when I left my house.

  Moving my hands through my hair, I pull it up into a bun before reaching for the file for the case I’m working on. I’m well into my work when a knock comes at my door.

  Tucker stands in the doorway and my breathing picks up at the sight of him. The yellow button-up shirt, tie hanging loosely at his neck, is a stark contrast to his tan, and the fitted khakis don’t leave much to the imagination. One hand holds files, while the other holds a white bag. His grin is unstoppable, and his eyes are on me as he enters my office.

  Tearing my eyes away from his gorgeous body, I glance at the time and I can’t believe that my day is gone and it’s time for this meeting. How did this happen? I didn’t even have time to freshen up or anything. Just fucking great.

  “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  I shake my head before saying, “No, sorry, I lost track of time.”

  “No worries. I’ll set up our food while you get what you need,” he says.

  I shake my head again. “Actually, I’m not hungry. Can we just do the meeting?”

  As much as I want to eat with him, I know it’s a bad idea. I’m lusting after a man I can’t have, or better yet, one that has no interest in me. I need to stop feeling like this. I had no right to get all jazzed up this morning. Not on
ly was it stupid but it almost got me in a world of shit with Rob. I need to be careful and I need to bury these feelings. I married Rob and until I can get the balls to leave him or something, I need to stay clear of Tucker. He has the power to get me in trouble and that is the last thing I need.

  So dinner is a no-go, this meeting will be quick and then I can go back to my personal hell. Back to being Rob’s wife, and not the girl I want to be.

  With just that thought I want to cry. I want to change things. I want Rob to stop hitting me. I want him to love me like he once did and if he can’t fucking do that, then I want to leave. I want to not be scared anymore. I want to feel pretty. But I’ve been wanting these things for a long time now, and still haven’t done anything about it.

  When am I going to do what’s right for me?

  “Oh, okay,” Tucker says, as a flash of hurts fills his face. It’s brief but I see it and before I can say or do anything, he smiles as he lays the bag on the edge of my desk and sits in the empty chair in front of my desk. He lays his files on the other chair before looking back at me. “What did you come up with?”

  I look down, grabbing my file and opening it to the three-page proposal I had for him. When I glance up, I am stunned to find that his eyes are glued to mine. I feel like I’ve stopped breathing and my mouth slowly falls open. I can tell he notices because his mouth is curving up, his dimples singing to me as I try to catch my breath. I have conveniently forgotten everything I was going to say, and I try to look away but I can’t.

  My skin is on fire and it feels like he knows me, inside and out, peeling away every layer of me until I’m bared in front of him. Utterly naked. Finally, I look away; I have too. Crimson flames lick the edges of my body and I feel exposed, even though I know every piece of me is covered. My heart races. He is lethal with that grin and it’s unfair for him to release it on a girl like me. I don’t know how to handle this

  NO! I can’t! I have to bottle these feelings; I cannot let this man affect me!

  Taking in a deep breath, I close my eyes and muster up everything inside me before looking down at my file. When I open my mouth to say the first word, I squeak.

  Mortified, I drop my head to my desk and want to die. I’m supposed to be exhibiting the aura of “great office manager” and I can’t even get out a single word!

  “What’s wrong?” he drawls in his sexy southern accent.

  I shake my head. Why am I so nervous around this guy?

  “I squeaked.”

  His chuckles fill the room, curling my toes. I quickly lock my ankles, squeezing my legs tight as my heart continues to pound in my chest. Why the hell do I want this man so much? I have never been like this. Not since Rob, and it’s not like he’s kept me locked in the basement. Not yet at least. If I sleep with this man though, I’ll have a one way ticket there and I don’t want that. I also don’t want anything to happen to Tucker.

  “It’s endearing.”

  I pause before looking up at him. He is grinning at me and all I can say is, “It’s embarrassing.”

  “No, it’s cute. Now come on, show me what you got.”

  Even though I know he’s talking about the proposal sitting in front of me, his whiskey-colored eyes are telling me that he wants something totally different.

  I pick up the file with shaking hands and clear my throat before reading my proposal to him. I’m nervous, my chest feels like it is seizing up but every time I look up, Tucker is looking right at me, his rippling arms crossed over his chest, listening intently to me. I have his undivided attention and I feel my confidence building.

  When I’m done, I look up and he’s nodding.

  “I agree. I think a clothing allowance for the staff is reasonable and vacation time too, but we need to make sure that people put in their requests for time in a timely manner.”

  “I agree, also I want to get new dental insurance for the practice. We’re paying out the yin yang and I found a great premium.” I hand him the paperwork I had laid out for him.

  He reads it quickly before nodding again. “Sounds good. Get that done too, please.”

  “Alright, I will first thing in the morning,” I say, making myself a note.

  “Also, I’ve talked this over with my father and we feel that we want to give everyone in the office a dollar raise.”

  I nod as I write a note about sending out a letter to the whole office about the raise. A smile plays on my lips because I know the office will love that news and love Tucker even more.

  “Sounds great.”

  “Also we want to give you a raise too. My dad is still working the numbers and I’ll have that to you by tomorrow. It won’t go in affect till your probation is over, but I feel you’ll be happy with it.”

  With a strained smile, I say, “Thank you. I know I will.”

  It’s a complete lie though. I’ll never see that money and it makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. When I look up, Tucker is watching me. His gaze makes me nervous, like he can see my soul, a place that hasn’t been happy in a very long time and I wish he would stop looking at me because I know he doesn’t see the woman I used to be. He sees the broken one in front of him, the one scrubbed free of makeup with pins in her shirt. The one that wants a good man to look at her for once with something other than sheer hatred in his eyes.

  Now the only feeling I ever have is fear. Fear is the only friend I have. One that I don’t want, but is constantly around me. Fear is constant reminder that Rob is watching me. He always knows what I’m doing and where I am. He’s the reason I can’t enjoy a meal with my boss or even take the time to get to know him. I have never wanted to be with someone so much but at the same time want to get as far away as I can. I’m scared of my feelings for him, but most of all, I’m scared of the man I call my husband.

  Clearing my throat, I say, “Okay, so that’s everything. Anything else on your end?”

  “Yes.”

  I look up from my notes. “Yes?”

  His eyes hold mine making it hard for me to breathe.

  “I want you to eat with me, Violet. I want to get to know you. I bought dinner, and I don’t want to eat it alone. I want to eat it with you.”

  Looking away, I say, “I don’t know.”

  “Why?”

  “I really should get home.”

  “And do what?”

  I look up. “I don’t know.”

  He laughs as he opens the bag and I can’t help it. I smile.

  “Well, since you don’t know what you’re going to do once you get home, why don’t you stay here and eat with me? It sounds like a way better idea than just going home.”

  It’s not a good idea in the least. The best thing for me to do is to go home. I know that’s what I need to do but instead, without even realizing I’m doing it, I’m nodding.

  “Okay.”

  “So then, he just pushed me!”

  I dissolve in giggles as Tucker tries to hold in his own laughter. I haven’t laughed as much as I have in the last thirty minutes in the past three years and it’s all because of the gorgeous man sitting in front of me. We’re well into our dinner and I don’t think I’ll ever know enough about this man. I want to know everything and anything about him.

  Tucker has been to almost every country. Mind blowing! I’ve been to only two states. And he’s been everywhere. His favorite place is Spain. He says the food there is fantastic but the people are better and apparently, I have to go there or my life will never be complete.

  I wish.

  He’s also fluent in four languages. I swoon at just the mere mention of him saying he can speak Spanish, French, German and Japanese. And when he started to speak French, I had to look down to make sure my clothes were still there. I am completely enraptured with this man and I love listening to his stories. Not only did he graduate a year early but he backpacked through all of Europe for a year. After that, he went to college, graduated at the top of his class before going straight to med school. When he
was done, instead of getting a job, he backpacked more, this time through South America before going to China and Japan.

  Dr. McCloud was livid with him, but Blaine, his brother, talked him into seeing the world before following in his father’s footsteps. I hadn’t even realized there was another McCloud and yes, I wonder if he is just as gorgeous as his brother. This fact is still unknown, but give me time ladies. What I do know is that Blaine is thirty-three, and only two years older than Tucker. He’s a chef and is traveling to widen his skills in cuisine all over the world. From what Tucker has told me, they’re very close and I find myself jealous of their relationship. I didn’t have a constant companion like that growing up.

  Like right now, Tucker is telling me about the first time he went sky diving and I honestly don’t remember the last time my face hurt from smiling, or the last time my stomach hurt from laughing, but it feels amazing.

  “He just pushed you?!”

  “Yes, my own brother, pushed me right out of the plane cause I wasn’t moving fast enough for his liking.”

  I continue to laugh. “Did you scream?”

  “Like a girl. Blaine said I was still screaming even when we landed on the ground. I’m pretty sure I had a heart attack. I have a tick in my eye now, do you see it?” he ask, leaning close to me but his eye is just fine. All I see is the gorgeous whiskey color that stands out against his tanned skin. Instead of letting him know how much his close proximity affects me, I push him away, before holding myself. I’m laughing so hard, it’s unbelievable.

  “That’s crazy,” I say between peals of laughter.

  “I know, but it was the best experience of my life. I’ve never felt so free, so alive,” he says with a grin on his face.

  “I’ll take your word for it; I’m scared of heights,” I say with a shake of my head. I’m not entirely sure that’s true, but since I’ve never been in the air, I’m going to stick with that statement.