Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  “I’m not whoring anywhere,” I cry out, trying to get out of his grip but he isn’t letting go. His hand tangles in my hair, squeezing so hard that tears spring to my eyes. I scream but stop moving, hoping to relieve some of the pain. It doesn’t work. He pulls harder.

  “Not now you aren’t, but I know you. You’re a hot little thing, ready to fuck anything except me.”

  “I can’t have sex; I’ve told you this!”

  He pulls hard, making my head fall back. “That’s right and don’t make me make sure that you never have sex again, because I will. Let me get word that you’re trying to get with this doctor and I swear, Vi. I swear it will not be good. Don’t fucking do anything stupid.”

  Tears are rushing down my face and my face is burning from where he has his thumbnail. “I’m not. I won’t.”

  He shoves me away and I fall back into the counter, holding my face as the tears continue to fall.

  “That’s right. Now sit down.”

  I don’t want to move. I want to fall into the fetal position and pray he goes away, but when he cuts me a look, I take the steps to the chair, and fall into it without looking at him. Taking in a shuddered breath, I wipe my face as he says, “stop crying. I didn’t even hurt you. I wouldn’t do this if you’d just fucking listen. You make me so fucking mad, Vi. Shit. Don’t you know how much I love you? I don’t want anyone to have you but me.”

  Looking down, my tears fall on the paper in front of me. My tears mix with the ink, creating purple-black pools and running down the page as my heart pounds against my chest. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I should quit but as soon as I think that, I know that I can’t quit my job. I love the people I work with, I love the position I have, and most of all I want to see more of Tucker. I need to see more of him. I want to know who he is. I want to know things about him. Is he married? Does he have kids? Is he single? I have to know. I don’t know why because more than likely curiosity is going to get me in trouble, but something inside me is pushing me to know. It’s pushing me past my fear of Rob, and I have no clue what that means.

  I feel Rob’s eyes on me, and when I look up, he is moving his dark-as-night hair out of his eyes. He is waiting and I know what I’m supposed to say.

  “I’m sorry.”

  But I’m not.

  Not in the least.

  For the most part, I was able to keep my distance from Rob and Tucker for the next three days. It involved me staying in my room or – in the living room when Rob was in our room – but I managed. He, of course, tried to talk to me, and act like he didn’t almost rip off my chin but I wasn’t having it. I answered what I needed to and ignored everything else. Usually after one of our altercations he tries to suck up to me, showing his old affections and telling me everything I needed him to say three years ago. I usually let him, but not this time. I keep my distance, something I’ve never done before, and I’m pretty sure he noticed but I don’t care. Another thing I’ve never done. Usually I’m so scared and worried about pleasing him, I do what he asks, but not this time. I’m pissed and my fucking face hurts, damn it.

  It may have been easy to ignore Rob, but with Tucker, I’m surprised that I can hold myself together at work. The last three days have been hell on me but I’ve managed to keep my lust-filled thoughts under control. Mostly because he was very busy following his father around and winning over his new patients. Not that he had to try hard. From what I’ve noticed, it was easy for him. He’s a people person. He’s charming and sweet, just like his father. When he unleashes that smile, the big one that shows his deep dimples, I swear everyone in the office swoons while I just try to breathe.

  I’m fanning myself at this very moment just thinking of those sexy dimples.

  I’ve done well keeping my lusty thoughts to myself but some of the office staff don’t know how to do the same.

  “Did you see his ass in those slacks? He said earlier he was hot and took off his jacket and good Lord Almighty I wanted to burn that jacket so he never wears it again!” Tammy gushes while the other nurses giggle.

  We’re having a small meeting during lunch, going over the questionnaire I have for everyone while the doctors are out. The fact that Tucker is gone for these hours each day is bittersweet. On one end, I can actually breathe but on the other, I just want to stare at him. His office is across from mine and when he is in there with his legs on his desk doing things on his laptop, I can’t help but steal glances. His strong legs crossed at the ankles and propped up on his desk, eyes turned down in consternation and he reviews a patient’s chart. When he bites down on that sexy bottom lip of his, my whole body catches on fire and I have to fight off the gooseflesh that spreads its way across my skin.

  Of course, I’m disgusted in myself afterward because really, what would someone as gorgeous as Tucker McCloud want with me? There is no way I’m up to Tucker’s standards. He’s probably married to some gorgeous model with the longest legs he’s ever seen, and has little model babies, but I can fantasize, right? The image of me on my desk with him between my legs is one hell of a fantasy.

  One. Long. Hot. Sexy. Fantasy.

  “I know, right? He is so sexy, if I was twenty years younger and maybe fifty pounds thinner, I swear I’d be on him like white on rice,” Ms. Yolanda says, snapping me from my daydream. She has everyone laughing, even me. Ms. Yolanda is our oldest staff member at fifty-four and she is crazy, obviously.

  “He’d be in a world of trouble, Ms. Yolanda, if you had your sights on him,” I say with a smile, my hand on her shoulder.

  She laughs as she nods. “Damn right, he would. You know, honey,” she says, looking at me so intently I feel like she can see the fantasy behind my eyes not mere seconds ago, “you two would be cute together. Maybe you should get with him. You know he’s single, darling, so go after him. Share all the juicy details so we all can live vicariously through you.”

  Everyone laughs and my mind whirls.

  He’s single? Oh. My. But that doesn’t matter. Right?

  I slowly shake my head, my cheeks red as a tomato. “Sorry ladies, I’m married.”

  Unfortunately.

  I’m beside myself but I look up when I notice all the laughing has stopped.

  “You are?” Tammy asks, her face scrunched up in confusion.

  “I didn’t know that,” Ms. Yolanda says with her brows to her hairline.

  “You’re so young, though,” Annabelle, our receptionist, says. “What are you, like twenty-one?”

  I shrug, hating all the attention on me. “I’m twenty-three. I got married when I was twenty.”

  The conversation stops, but still all eyes are on me. I start to squirm in my seat. I hate when all the attention is on me. I feel weird and self-conscious, so I quickly clear my throat and say, “Anyway, so back to the reason we’re here. What are some thing you guys would like to change around here?”

  When Ms. Yolanda’s hand comes up, I smile. “Yes ma’am.”

  Everyone’s attention goes to her, thankfully, and with the straightest face ever, she says, “I think clothing should be optional for Doctor McCloud Jr.”

  Peals of laughter burble up and out of my chest and I snort from the force.

  The only thing my nutty staff could come up with was a clothing allowance and maybe raises and more vacation time. All of these are understandable, and I had already written them down before I had the meeting. When I left the meeting, I had the biggest smile on my face. I’m excited to have some control here, to be able to relay all the ideas I’ve come up with to Tucker, but once I get to my office, my smile falters. I’ve missed a call from my mother, and since she called during my working hours, I know she isn’t calling just to chat. Reaching for my phone, I dial my mother’s number and wait until she came on the line.

  “Mom?”

  “Violet, baby, things are bad.”

  I take in a deep breath, my heart picking up speed from my mother’s words. “Grandma?”

  “Yes, she isn�
��t doing well. I think you may need to come up here, spend some time with her. I’m not sure how much longer she’ll be here with us.” Her voice cracks in a silent sob.

  My heart drops and tears rush to my eyes. My chest feels like it’s caving in and I swallow a lump at the base of my throat. Not my grandma. I love her. She’s the person that stepped up and was the father I never had but needed. Tears rush down my cheeks and I want nothing more than to be there with them, but I don’t know if I can be.

  “I’ll call Rob. Hopefully we have the money.”

  My mother pauses and I know she is counting to ten. “You don’t know if you have the money?”

  “You know Rob controls our finances,” and has since the day I married him, “and I’ve just started working again. I’ve just received my first paycheck.” I lie a little because my check go directly into Rob’s bank account. He gives me a weekly allowance, but it’s not enough to buy a plane ticket anywhere, let alone to Colorado.

  “Fine, Violet. Honey, I’ll pay. See if you can get the time off. I know you just started this job, but surely they’ll understand.”

  I let out a breath, trying to suck in air around my sobs. It isn’t my job I’m worried about; it’s Rob. “Let me call Rob, and see if we have the money first. If not, then I’ll need you to pay, but I need to make sure I can get the time off. I’ll call you this afternoon, okay?”

  “Alright, sweetheart, talk to you soon.”

  I disconnect and cover my face with my hands. The last thing I want to do is call Rob, but I have to. It isn’t even about the money. I make a decent amount a week and so does he, and Lord knows I don’t get to spend any money so I know we have it. But will he let me go?

  Dialing his number, I wait until he answers, and I know by his voice that I’ve woken him up.

  “What?”

  “Sorry, I woke you. I’ll call back.”

  “Well, yeah you woke me. I worked all night, Vi. I’m asleep during the day,” he spits.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I call you later.”

  “No, it’s fine. What do you want?”

  I pause. I know the answer so why am I even wasting my time?

  “My grandmother is dying.”

  “That sucks,” he says passively. He won’t even pretend to care.

  “She wants me to come up and see her before she passes. Do we have the money for a ticket?” I ask softly.

  He doesn’t even pause. “Nope.”

  I know we do, so instead of asking where the money is, I say, “Oh, well my mom offered to pay, so I just need to work it out with my work and I’ll be good.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “No, you’re not going.”

  “Why? It’s my grandmother, Rob. She’s like my second mom. I love her and want to say goodbye,” I say, the tears streaming down my face. I don’t know what I expected; I knew he wasn’t going to say yes.

  “I don’t care. Call and say bye. You’re not going back home so that your mom can talk you into leaving me.”

  “She won’t. Come with me, you’ll see that,” I plea. The last thing I want is for him to go, but I’ll bring him to see my grandmother if it’s the only way around this. I have to see her.

  “Fuck no,” he says with a scoff. “I don’t want to see those people. You’re staying here, and that’s all there is to it.”

  The phone goes dead in my hand.

  I drop the phone on my desk, curling up in my seat as I let the tears fall down my cheeks. Taking in a shuddering breath, I curse Rob Moore to the fiery depths of hell. I hate him so much, it hurts. Why couldn’t he just let me go? Why is he so controlling and such a fucking prick that I am stuck here, under his fucking thumb?

  Because I fucking let him.

  I put myself in this position, I allowed him to do this to me and now I have no way out. I am too scared to leave and even when I do, where will I go? I have no money to get me anywhere and then, if I even get there, he’ll probably come along and kill me. God, I‘m so fucked.

  When a knock sounds on my door, I hurry to wipe my face before saying, “come in.”

  I silently pray it’s anyone but Tucker. Fate is not being kind today.

  Not looking at me but at a piece of paper in his hands, he starts, “Hey, did the insurance company call you, because I don’t understand what the heck they’re – whoa, what’s wrong?”

  I guess I didn’t clean my face well enough. With a shrug, I say, “Nothing, what’s up?”

  “No, you’re crying,” he says, coming toward me with his hands out, like he’s trying to figure out how to help.

  “What’s wrong?”

  My lips quivers and soon I’m crying so hard I can’t see. I hear the door shut and then I feel him beside me. His hand on my shoulder, his other resting on the arm of my chair as he slowly rubs my back, whispering to tell him what’s wrong, to let him help. I’m not only crying because I’m married to a fucking jerk, but because I won’t see my grandma before she leaves this earth for good. It kills me inside and I wish I had to strength to say fuck him and leave, but knowing him he’ll call off work and stay home, watching everything I do. He’ll fuck with my car again so that he has to drive me everywhere.

  I’m stuck.

  “Violet, tell me what’s wrong?” Tucker says, his voice is deep and breathy, soothing and velvet. I want to sink into him.

  Taking in a deep breath, I clean off my face as I whisper, “My grandmother is dying.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

  He takes my hand in his, rubbing it with his thumb as tears continue to fall down my cheeks.

  “What can I do to help?” he asks. “Do you need time off?”

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t have the money to fly out there right now.”

  Without even thinking, he says, “I’ll pay for you to go, and I can man things here till you get back. We can make this work.”

  God, he is a saint. I slowly shake my head again before looking up in his beautiful eyes. He is looking at me, like I’m the last person in this world and he is Superman, ready to save me. I want to let him save me but I know he can’t.

  “No, I couldn’t ask that of you.”

  “I insist, Violet.”

  “No, Dr. McCloud-”

  “Tucker,” he corrects.

  I smile. “Tucker, thank you, but I need to work and I can’t take a hand out. I’ll just save my money and when she does pass I’ll fly out then to be with my mom.”

  I know he wants to keep insisting but thankfully, he just nods and asks, “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” I say with a strained smile. “As much as I want to be there, I know she’d understand.”

  Man, what a lie. She hates Rob and if she was well, she’d probably kill him if she knew the extent of what he’s done to me. What he continues to do.

  “Okay, well if anything changes let me know. I’ll fly you out there in a second.”

  Looking up at his exquisite face, I smile. “Thank you, Tucker.”

  “Anytime. We’re a team, remember? You and me. I’m here for you.”

  Why? He hasn’t known me but a couple of days. How can he just want to help and be there for me like that? How did I get so lucky to get a job where I am basically family to these people when before I was just a number at the hospital? It’s mind blowing and as much as I want to question it, I can’t because I like the way it makes me feel.

  It makes me feel like I’m worth it.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “You’re welcome, Violet.”

  I take in a deep breath, cleaning my face again with a smile. I then take the paper from him and ask, “Now, what about the insurance company?”

  After answering his question, he leaves my office, sending me one last grin before shutting my door. My heart is still racing and my shoulder and hand are still tingling from his touch. Something inside me is warm and I can’t believe how loyal he is to me. My husband, the one man who’s supposed to love
me unconditionally, can’t stand the sight of me, but Tucker knows me for five minutes and he’s a better man than Rob will ever be. Mr. and Mrs. McCloud did a great job with that guy and the woman he ends up with will be one hell of a lucky lady.

  I want that woman to be me, even though I know it never will be.

  Shaking my head, I know that I might as well get this phone call over with and stop worrying about who Tucker will pick to make the luckiest girl on earth.

  He isn’t my concern.

  So I pick up my phone again and I dial my mother’s number slowly, wishing I didn’t have to do this. When she answers, the tears are hot and fast down my face as I say, “I’m sorry mom, but I can’t come out there.”

  I know she doesn’t believe my lie about my work not letting me off but what else am I supposed to say?

  That Rob beats me, has all my money and will kill me if I leave?

  I can’t tell her that. Instead, I let her voice her disappointment while I cry.

  I lay watching the sun fill my room. It warms my face causing me to slowly close my eyes. I know I need to get up, but I don’t want to move. Rolling to my side, I feel a little flutter of nervousness in my stomach and a small smile pulls at my lips.

  Today is the meeting with Tucker.

  I have been preparing myself for this meeting for the last week but the little flutter and the tightness in my stomach won’t stop. I don’t know if I’ll even make it through this meeting in one piece, but I’m going to damn well try. I have to. I have to ignore these feelings, this desire. It’s a waste of time but it’s so hard to ignore him. All week Tucker has been sweet and thoughtful, checking on the status of my grandmother, asking if I need anything, offering to give me time off, everything. He’s been perfect.

  And it’s not just Tucker. Everyone in the office had been the same. Never have I been around more caring people. Word of my grandmother’s health was soon all over the office and everyone I work with offers whatever help I may need. It feels good to have people there if I need them. For so long I’ve felt alone, but I’m starting not to feel that way anymore. I feel more at home and loved at the office than I do in my own home.