Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  “I hate typing what I have to say because you can’t see me say it,” he says, as he walks towards my desk. Once there, he places his hands on the edge of my desk and looks right into my eyes. My breath quickens and my palms start to sweat from the close proximity.

  “The thing is, Violet, last night, I felt like you thought I was going to hurt you and I can’t express how far from the truth that is. I would never hurt you and I need you to know that. You should always feel comfortable around me because in no way, shape or form do I want to cause any harm to you. I’m sorry if I scared you or made you feel like that. It was never my intention and I hope you can accept my apology.”

  My heart is beating out of control and I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around this man’s middle and just stay there. Looking up into his eyes I want to tell him that it isn’t his fault. That it’s my husband’s fault because instead of loving me the way a man should, he hurts me, causes me pain and scares the living shit out of me.

  I don’t know why I want to tell him those things, but I do. With a smile, I say, “No apology needed, Dr. T. It was no big deal, like I said. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I thought I saw a bug or something coming toward me, and it freaked me out. I should be the one apologizing.”

  “A bug?” he asked incredulously.

  “Sure, or something,” I say with a wave of my hand. “It’s no big deal, I promise.”

  He stands up to his full six feet of glory before running his hand through his hair, his other hand on his hip. Looking down at me, he says, “I feel like there is more here that you’re not telling me.”

  I shrug. “I don’t know why. I’m great.” I’m surprised I can say it with a straight face. I’m nowhere near great but he doesn’t need to know that. I need to protect him because if I let him in, he’ll get hurt. Physically and emotionally. I swear I can see, in vivid detail, Rob getting a hold of Tucker and it scares me to the core. I can’t ever let that happen. I care too much for Tucker and I know that is stupid on my part but I do. How can I not? He is amazing, sweet and an all-around great guy. Gorgeous, too.

  He’s still watching me and as much as I like how he looks, I don’t want to be under his gaze right now. I feel like he’s finding cracks in the walls I’ve built up around myself that hides the shit I go through at home, and it makes me nervous what will happen if he finds out or if he even suspects something. I’ve only known him for a month, but I know he’s a fixer. He’ll do anything and everything to help people and I don’t think he’ll understand that he can’t help me.

  I’m not fixable.

  “You can talk to me,” he softly says, “I’m here for you.”

  See? Fixer.

  “Thank you, but really, don’t worry about me, I’m fine,” I say and I even add a smile for good measure. I’ve gotten so good at this lie, it’s scary.

  Tucker eyes me for another minute, his eyes peering straight through mine like he can see every ragged, bloodied piece of me.

  “It’s hard not to worry when I care, Violet. Just remember I’m here.”

  I can only blink before he lets out a breath and then turns to leave. When the door shuts, I lean back in my chair and close my eyes, covering them with my hands. Even if he had given me a chance to respond, I wouldn’t know what to say. I don’t want to lie to him anymore than I have but I’m going to have to. He knows something is up and I’m not sure if I should be worried or relieved.

  “I don’t know why we’re going to this. It’s stupid.”

  I let out an annoyed breath as I walked through the house. “I told you, you didn’t have to go.”

  “And I said I’m going ‘cause I don’t trust your ass.”

  I roll my eyes before sliding into my heels. Rob going to the office Christmas party was not what I had planned, but he invited himself when I told him I was going. I never expected that. I expected him to throw a fit and tell me I wasn’t going, so it’s easy to say I’m a little surprised.

  “I don’t understand why you don’t trust me to go to my office party but okay, that’s fine. Let’s go, I don’t want to be late.”

  When a remote breaks by my head, I whip around to see Rob glaring at me. My heart jumps up into my throat and my hands start to shake from the icy look on his face.

  “Don’t fucking rush me.”

  I reach down, collecting the broken pieces of remote. “Sorry,” I mutter as I walk past him to throw away the pieces.

  “You’re buying a new remote since you made me break it.”

  Like you, I wonder how I made him break it, but whatever. I don’t have the time to argue or fight with him. I just need to get to the party, wish everyone a Merry Christmas and then get the hell out of there. I don’t want anyone around Rob and I especially don’t want him around Tucker. I wish I could just say the hell with it and stay home but it’s mandatory that everyone is there. My co-workers are bringing their families. I was excited about meeting everyone but now that Rob is going, I’m freaking out that he’ll embarrass me or something.

  “Are you ready?” I ask, looking back at him. He’s wearing a pair of slim-fitting boot-cut jeans and cornflower blue button-up shirt. His dark hair is falling in his even darker eyes and I wish that I could muster up some kind of desire for this man but nothing is there. When his eyes meet mine, I look away, nervous that he’s going to yell at me.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  I tense up as he walks by me and once he’s passed, I let out a breath. As I watch him walk to the car, all I can think is that this is going to be a blast.

  Not.

  “Oh my goodness, it’s so nice to meet you, Rob, we just love Violet. She is a doll!” Ms. Tonya gushed. I’m smiling ear to ear, but when I look up at Rob, my smile falls. He has had the same look the whole time we’ve been there. The look is somewhere between stinking cheese and seeing an outbreak of herpes. I’m not sure what anyone thinks about him but I know I’m ready to leave. Like now.

  “That’s nice,” Rob says before taking a sip of his beer.

  I want to smack him. He’s being an ass but apparently Ms. Tonya doesn’t notice.

  “Are y’all going anywhere for Christmas?”

  I shake my head. “No, we’re staying here.”

  “That’s too bad, I would think you’d go home to see your grandmother,” she says before taking my hand. “How is she?”

  Rob lets out an annoyed breath but I ignore him and say, “She’s hanging on. She’s a strong lady.”

  “Of course she is, having raised such a sweet and strong woman like you. I’ve been praying for her.”

  I smile and I don’t miss the scoff that comes from my husband. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

  “Of course. Oh, Tucker is finally here.”

  I follow her gaze and find him walking in with his arms full of presents and the biggest grin on his magnificent face. Like the rest of the staff, Ms. Tonya starts for him, leaving me with Rob. I try not to watch as everyone gushes and fusses over Tucker, but it’s hard not to. He looks sexy as hell in a black expensive tailored suit that hugs every inch of him. His tie is a festive gold and his eyes shine as he looks out into the office. I hope to catch a glimpse of his ‘girlfriend’. I still don’t believe she exists and I’m starting to think I’m right because he stands alone. Wouldn’t she have come to the party? Yeah, I think so, too.

  When his eyes land on me, his smile grows but then it is gone just as quick as it came and I know it’s because of Rob.

  “Is that your boss?”

  “Yeah,” I say turning away from Tucker to look up a Rob, “He’s a good boss. You’ll like him.”

  “I doubt it, I hate him already.”

  “Why?” I ask with my face scrunched up, “You don’t know him.”

  “I don’t like the way he just looked at you. Actually, I don’t like the way any of these fucking people look or act around you. They think you’re such a great person, it pisses me off,” he spits out before taking a lon
g pull of his beer.

  “But I am,” I manage to say but I quickly stop talking when he sets me with a look.

  A scary one.

  “No, you’re not,” he says with a shake of his head. “See this is why I don’t want you working here.”

  “Why? Because I work with nice people who like me?”

  “No, because they’ll make you think you’re something you’re not. You are not a great person, you’re not ever a good person. You’re worthless and a pain in my ass,” he sneers. Rob then gets closer to my face and in a hush whisper says, “and if you don’t stop talking back to me, I’m gonna make you regret it.”

  I flinch back, but it doesn’t matter. He is right there, digging his fingers into my arm. “I am tired of it,” he says harshly, spitting on the side of my face with every word.

  “Hey, you must be Violet’s husband.”

  Rob lets me go and I look up to see Tucker looking down at me. I know he can see the tears welling up in my eyes and even the way my hand comes up to cover where Rob’s fingers dug into my skin. I look down at the ground, trying to compose myself as Rob says, “Yes, I am.”

  “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Tucker McCloud, the doctor here.”

  “I know.”

  When I glance up, Tucker’s hand is held out for a handshake but Rob has no intention of taking his hand.

  Asshole.

  “This is my husband, Rob Moore.”

  Tucker’s lips are in a straight line as he tucks his hands in his pockets and an awkward silence falls between us. I won’t look at him but I can feel his eyes on me. I don’t want to give Rob anything else to bitch about but I can’t just stand here. I have to talk or Tucker will know for sure that something is wrong. Looking up, I meet his eyes and force myself to swallow the breath at the back my throat. Concern is shining in his eyes and it’s as if he’s trying to ask me if I’m okay without speaking. Looking up at Rob, I see that he’s looking out at the party, ignoring the situation completely like the asshole he is.

  “Are your parents going to be home for Christmas, Tucker?” I ask looking back at him.

  He nods. “Yeah, they’re leaving afterward though. I think my dad might go to the convention with us.”

  I freeze. Shit. Shit. Shit.

  “Convention?”

  I look over at Rob. He’s looking right at Tucker, his brows together and I can see the white of his knuckles, fingers wrapped around the cold glass in his hand.

  “Yes, I haven’t gotten to talk to you about that yet. We’re going to Georgia, as an office, for a digital convention,” I say quickly, my heart pounding in my chest. His gaze slowly leaves Tucker and lands on me.

  “You’re going to Georgia? With him?”

  “With everyone,” I say, “It’s for the office.”

  “Who’s paying? You don’t have any money to go.”

  “I’m paying, for everyone,” Tucker says and I spare him a glance. His eyes are glued to Rob and I feel like I can’t breathe. You can cut the tension with a knife right now and it’s freaking me the hell out.

  “Hmm,” is all Rob says before walking away to get more beer. I watch as he leaves and I dread going home with him. I don’t know why he didn’t freak out or tell Tucker he can kiss his ass and it can’t be good. The deadly silence is almost worse than the rage. It seethes under his skin and I never know what to expect. I want to run, I want to hide but it would be a waste of time. It would only prolong the inevitable. I know I shouldn’t look at Tucker but I do. He’s looking at me.

  We stare at each for a long time before I look away and say, “Sorry, he doesn’t really like people much.”

  “Don’t apologize for him, Violet.”

  I bite into my lip, running my finger along the rim of my cup. “Sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for? You’ve done nothing wrong,” he pauses, letting out a breath. “Will you look at me please?”

  I bite harder into my lip until it hurts before I look up to meet his gaze. A smile sits on his lips but it doesn’t reach his eyes at all. I hate that he’s pitying me right now. I know he wants to say more and I’m scared what will happen when he does.

  “Thank you,” he says, “Now, how are you?”

  “Good and you?”

  “Well, thanks,” he says. “How is your grandma? I haven’t asked lately.”

  “She’s doing fine, thank you.”

  “Good, I’m glad to hear that. Hopefully she’ll pull through until you can go see her.”

  A smile fills my face. “Fingers crossed.”

  Tucker nods before taking a pull of his drink. “Where is your girlfriend? I was hoping to meet her tonight.”

  He coughs before covering his mouth, his cheeks filling with color. Looking away, a smile comes over his mouth before looking back at me. “I have a confession.”

  “Okay?” I ask cautiously.

  He laughs again before shaking his head. “Okay, see, well, I lied.”

  “You lied?”

  “Yeah, I was embarrassed that I hit on you when you’re married and I made up a girlfriend to make it look like I wasn’t a loser.”

  Tucker McCloud hitting on me? It seems outrageous, but he’s standing in front of me, admitting just that. Why does this elate me? Am I wrong for liking that he hit on me? Ugh, what is wrong with me?

  “You were hitting on me?” I ask because I still don’t believe it.

  He lets out a breath and nods. “Yeah, I’m attracted to you, Violet.”

  He pauses as he looks away, running his hand through his hair. His face is full of color and when he looks at me, I just want to hug him. Smiling he adds, “but I promise it won’t happen again. It was wrong on my part.”

  I want to say that it wasn’t, that please, do it more! But that is wrong. I’m married and until I can leave him, I can’t mutter those words. No matter how much I want to. Silence settles around us and I don’t know what to say, what to do but when I look up and meet his eyes with my own, I say, “It’s okay. No worries.”

  “I shouldn’t have lied,” he reiterates.

  “It’s okay, it doesn’t change how I think of you.”

  He smiles. “That’s good. Maybe one day you can tell me what you think about me.”

  I blush as I look away. “Maybe.”

  We’re flirting with each other and I know it needs to stop. I look up and smile at him before looking away again. When I look off towards the left I catch Rob staring at me and my heart stops in my chest. His eyes are cold and flat and I know I’m fucked even before he starts for me. Reaching me, he stands in front of Tucker and faces me.

  “I’m ready to go.”

  “But we haven’t done the presents or anything. Can you give me another half hour please? Then we can leave.”

  He shakes his head. “No.”

  “I can bring her home,” Tucker says and I wish he hadn’t. Rob’s face reddens before he turns to face Tucker.

  “She’s good. We’re leaving.”

  Taking my hand in his, he gives me a look that says we’re leaving: I can go willingly or he will drag me out. I look around the room quickly to see that everyone is watching me and I have to handle this quietly. Putting a wide smile on my face, I say, “I told you, he isn’t good with crowds. We’re going to go.”

  “Are you sure?” Tucker asked.

  “Yes, she’s sure, she said it didn’t she? Who the hell do you think you are?”

  I reach out, putting my hand on Rob’s chest but he knocks it away, and I flinch.

  “Hey now,” Tucker says coming closer.

  “What?” Rob sneers, “This is my wife, buddy.”

  “I understand that, but she’s trying to calm you down. So take the hint my friend.”

  “I’m not your friend, ass-”

  “Let’s go, Rob,” I say, starting for the door. I look back and Rob is giving Tucker one last look that could kill before heading for me. Once he passes me, I look back out at my friends and co-workers. I try to smil
e but it’s hard because I really want to cry, I’m so embarrassed. “Have a nice night everyone, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

  “But you’ll miss the presents and food,” Ms. Tonya says.

  “I know, I’m sorry but I need to leave. Goodnight everyone.”

  Everyone wishes me goodnight as Tucker walks towards me, running his hand through his hair. I know he’s frustrated. I am too and I wish I could do something, but I don’t know what that something is.

  “Are you okay, Violet?”

  I nod as I plaster a huge smile on my face. “Fine. He’s drunk and I told you he doesn’t like crowds. It’s no big deal. Don’t worry about me.”

  “You keep saying that, you know, and it only makes me worry more,” he says quietly before looking up at the ceiling. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

  I look down and nod. I know I don’t but I won’t do anything to change it. It’s my fault I’m treated this way and always will be until I do something about it.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  With that I turn and leave without waiting for him to say anything back. When I reach the car and open the door, Rob is waiting for me. Dread fills me because I can tell with one look that this is not going to be a quiet ride home.

  “Who the fuck does that guy think he is? I’m about to fucking lose my mind, Violet! I told you I want you to quit.”

  I shake my head, leaning close to the passenger door in the hopes he can’t reach me even though I know he can. “No, I’m not quitting. I love my job, I love my co-workers. I am learning so much and this is a great opportunity.”

  “For what?” he yells.

  “To better myself!” I yell back but wish I wouldn’t have. His eyes are dark, cold and he is squeezing the steering wheel so tight his knuckles are white.

  “Why the fuck are you yelling at me, and why the fuck do you need to better yourself? You’re never going to be anything more than my wife. You don’t need to work. I take care of you!”

  I shake my head and I have no clue where this is coming from but I have to say it. “I am yelling because you won’t listen! I need to work. I need to better myself for me. I don’t want you taking care of me. I want to be able to take care of myself.”