Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  When his hand comes crashing into my chest, knocking the breath out of me, I bend over, clutching my chest as I try to catch my breath. Tears instantly come to my eyes and threaten to fall. When his hand connects with the back of my head, I cry out, covering my head with one hand as I try to get away from him, but I can’t, the car is too compact. Grabbing a fistful of my hair, he lifts up my head and when I look out, I see that we’re on the side of the road. Tears rush down my face as he squeezes my hair, bringing my face right in front of his.

  “Why do you want to better yourself? For what? That doctor? Do you want his cock, Violet?”

  I try to shake my head but I can’t move. “No, I don’t want him. I just want to make money and be successful.”

  “Why? I don’t need you to be successful to fuck you.”

  “Please, Rob, let me go,” I cry trying to get away but his grip tightens.

  “Let me tell you something, you bitch. You are mine and you are going to start doing things the way I want them or you’re gonna get it,” he sneers. His breath reeks of beer and I want to gag from the smell. I need to get away. I don’t know why I did it, but I push into his chest, trying to get away and the next thing I know, my forehead slams into the dashboard causing pain to shoot to the back of my skull. I cry out but he ignores me, bringing my face close to his again.

  “Do you hear me? I own you.”

  Blood is coming from my nose and running into my mouth. The salt taste makes my tears come faster down my cheeks and I want to hit him. I want to get away but I’m not strong enough. Looking into his eyes, seeing the pure hate and anger in them, I’m scared but I can’t do this. He can’t own me. I deserve better.

  “I’m not quitting.”

  His head cocks to the side, his eyes narrowing as he looks at me. “Is that right?”

  “Yes,” I say pulling back and to my surprise he lets me move back some but he is still holding my hair tight. “I take a lot from you and if you want me to stay then you need to treat me right.”

  He scoffs. “Or what?”

  I swallow loudly, my heart beating so hard I swear it’s about to explode from my sternum. “Or I’m leaving.”

  His laughter fills the cab as he lets my hair go. I reach up, rubbing the spot where he was holding me as I trying to scoot away. When he looks up at me, I feel rooted in place. I want to scream but I hold it in as his eyes narrow. I don’t even see it coming until everything goes black. My head is ringing, my face aches and I can feel my eye swelling shut. Covering my face, I cower away from him as sobs rip from me. When he takes my chin in his hand, I try to fight him off but he hits me in chest again, knocking the air out of me. I can’t focus or even breathe but it doesn’t matter. He has me by my chin, his face only inches from mine.

  “Look at me,” he says as he squeezes my chin.

  I try but it’s so hard and it hurts to move my face. I can only see him from one eye, my other already swollen shut.

  “Does it hurt? Good. Because this is nothing compared to what I’ll do to you if you leave me. Do you understand me? I’ll let you work but it’s only because I feel like you’ll get fired anyway. They won’t want you for long. You are shit. Pure shit and that fucking asshole doctor will see it soon enough.”

  I can feel my tears landing on my chest along with my blood. I want to scream for help but who would hear me? Who would help me even if I did? I try to pull back but his grip tightens before he says, “And if I find out anything is going on between you two, I’ll kill him and then you, so don’t fuck with me. Do you understand me?”

  I nod.

  “That’s right, now sit back and shut up.”

  I do as he says, and cover my face, crying as my body shakes with fear.

  See? This is why I can’t leave. This is why I can’t fight back. I try to and what does it get me? A black eye. How the hell am I supposed to go to work tomorrow? How am I supposed to face people that saw that my husband is an asshole? I’m so fucked it isn’t even funny and there is nothing I can do about it.

  “Make sure when we get home you put ice on that. I hate when you make me hurt you like this. Just act right. I hate when your face is fucked up. Fuck.”

  My lip quivers as I try to catch my breath. I didn’t do anything but try to defend myself and it got me nothing.

  Why do I try?

  Why am I even living?

  What for?

  Why?

  I just feel defeated.

  So fucking defeated.

  “Hey, Tucker, sorry to call so early, I just need to let you know I need to miss for the next couple days. I think I got the flu or something,” I say before I go into a fake coughing fit. “I’m so sorry, I’ll try to do some things here but everything else will have to wait.”

  Tucker pauses and I know he knows I’m lying. Closing my eyes, a tear leaks out, rolling down my cheek to my lips. I wipe it away and cringe when my hand grazes my eye.

  “You seemed okay last night?”

  “I know, it’s crazy. It hit me so bad this morning. I can’t hold anything down, I’m so sorry.”

  He pauses again. My heart is going crazy in my chest and I hate this. I want to tell him the truth but I can’t. I won’t.

  “Are you sure you’re okay, Violet?”

  “Yes,” I say before fake coughing. “Just sick.”

  I can tell he wants to say more. I know he does. “Take as much time as you need.”

  “I’ll be fine in a couple days, I promise.”

  “I hope so. I’m here if you need anything.”

  “Thank you. Bye.”

  Slamming the phone down, I crumble to the floor as the sobs bubble out of me. Holding my midsection I look up into the full-length mirror in my bedroom and hate what I see. My left eye is black and blue, a little cut below my eye. My lip is busted and there is a bruise on my forehead. My eye doesn’t look as bad as some have looked but it will need time before it is light enough to cover with makeup which is the reason I called out.

  I wipe my face and I am disgusted with the person who is staring back at me. Why didn’t she see through Rob’s bullshit so long ago? Why did she think this was how someone should be loved? Why did she allow it to go so far and how the fuck does she get out?

  Shaking my head, I lay down on the floor, the coolness of the hardwood soothing the pain.

  “What did your work say?”

  I looked up at Rob and shrug my shoulders. “They’re fine with it.”

  “Whatever. How’s your face?”

  “It hurts,” I say.

  “I bet. Oh well, you’ll be alright.”

  No, I won’t be. Not until I get the fuck away from him.

  The snow is falling so quickly that I can’t even see outside my office window. I hope that it lets up a bit. My SUV’s tires aren’t the best and I’d hate to be stuck here for the night. I shouldn’t have come in but I had to get payroll done. It has been four days since the incident with Rob and my eye is not fully healed. It is still a little dark, but I was able to cover it with makeup just in case someone was here. Luckily though, no one was.

  Sighing, I glance down at the payroll and get back to work. Tucker told me not to worry about it, that he would do it, but it’s my job and I’ve already missed enough work. Putting in the numbers for taxes and hours and general stuff like that, I try to work quickly. I don’t want to get stuck here but every time I look up the snow seems to be falling harder. I feel as if I made a mistake. Maybe I should have just waited until tomorrow to come in but then someone might have seen me and the last thing I need is someone looking too closely.

  When my phone starts to ring, I let out a frustrated breath when I see the name, Rob. I know why he is calling and it is to bitch.

  “Hello?”

  “Are you done?”

  “Not yet, maybe another hour.”

  “Do you think you can make it home?”

  “I’m not sure yet, why?”

  “I don’t want you driving in th
is shit. I don’t want to pay to replace the truck when you crash it. I’ll come get you.”

  “Fine, give me an hour. I have to go, bye,” I say and then I hit end call.

  I’m surprise how great that felt but I know the feeling won’t last long. Fear will creep back in when it’s time for me to ride home with him. I should have given him a chance to say something. I’m just so tired of it. I’m at my wits end and honestly the only way out I see is to end it all.

  How sad is that?

  When I hear a door open and then the alarm code being entered, I freeze. What the hell? Who would be here? Oh fuck, was Rob outside waiting on me? I hop out from behind my desk and look out down the hall. At the end is a tall figure, in a thick coat, with their back to me while they put the code in. When the person turns around, I have no clue who it is since the face is covered with a scarf.

  “Violet? What are you doing here?”

  Tucker. Shit.

  “I was about to ask you the same thing to you. I’m doing payroll,” I say as he walks down the hall towards me, removing his coat. When he stops in front of me all he has on is a grey long-sleeved Henley and a pair of jeans. I’d love to stare at him, but instead I turn away and head into my office. There needs to be distance between us. Not only because of my eye, but because nothing can happen with him. The problem is that my feelings for Tucker have been getting stronger and I know that can’t happen, but it has. I want so many things. I want to leave Rob, I want to explore something with Tucker and I want to be happy again. But until I can find a way away from Rob, I won’t have those things.

  The night before I had been online, looking at battered women websites. It was the first time I had ever looked at sites like that. All of them said to call or email if you need help but what if I did and then something happened to the person that was trying to help me? I can’t let something happen to someone for trying to help me and the way Rob is, he will hurt everyone just to make sure I don’t go anywhere. That is the main reason I tend to keep what my mother says to myself. I don’t want Rob going after her. I don’t know what to do but I honestly don’t know how much I can take. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of hiding and I’m tired of being treated this way.

  I worry that I’m getting depressed. After looking at those sites, reading some of the things the woman have been through all I could do is envy their strength. They left, they fought back and it had me wondering where my strength is. Where is my fight? How do I find it? I want it. I want to better my life, but I feel like I can’t. I have no options and I’m too scared to find them. I’m scared that I’m giving up. Or maybe I already have. But I need to find an out and every time I look at Tucker, I feel that he is my out. I feel like if I was just to tell him what is going on he could help me but I can’t risk telling him. If I did, Rob would go after him and that scares me.

  Going behind my desk, I sit down and open my file ignoring that he is standing in my office.

  “I was coming in to do it.”

  I look up real quick and then back down. “I left you a message on your phone saying I was coming in.”

  “I didn’t get it.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m almost done here.”

  Without looking up, I watch as he comes towards my desk and sits down. Why won’t he leave? What is he doing? Doesn’t he have something else to do?

  “You seem better.”

  I nod before letting out a little cough. “Yup, almost better. I should be back Monday.”

  “Good. We miss you around here.”

  I smile. “Same here.”

  “I hate being sick. I always get so bored at home without anything to do.”

  “Yeah, I’ve been so bored,” I say moving quickly to get everything done. My knee is bouncing out of control from my nerves and my palms are soaked. I can’t let him get a good look at me, but I feel like he’s watching my every move. Sweat drips down the back of my neck, and I feel restless, like I need to run.

  “You don’t need to wait, Tucker, I’m almost done,” I manage to say.

  “It’s okay. I want to make sure you get out of here okay.”

  “Rob said he is going to come get me in an hour.”

  He pauses for a second before saying, “Okay, I’ll just wait a minute, maybe the snow will let up.”

  “I hope it does,” I say as I move a file to the side and start my second to last file. I’m almost done and the faster I get done, the faster I can get away from him.

  “Hey,” he says but I don’t look up.

  “Yeah?”

  “Violet, look at me.”

  “Huh?” I ask looking up for only a second before looking back done. “I’m trying to get this done.”

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment but then he asks the one thing I don’t want to him to ask. “What happened to your eye?”

  My hands stop moving on my keyboard and I look over at him hoping he doesn’t see through my lie.

  “Oh, my eye?” I ask touching it softly with my hand as I laugh. “I was cleaning out the closet the other day and a box slammed down into my face. Busted my lip and even caused a cut below my eye. Stupid ass box.”

  I laugh a little longer before looking back at the computer.

  “You were cleaning a closet when you were sick?”

  I pause, biting down on my lip and cringing in pain since my lip is busted. I nod before looking over at him. “I couldn’t find my thermometer and Rob thought it was in the closet.”

  “Shouldn’t he have looked for it? You’re sick.”

  “Yeah,” I say with a wave of my hand, “he would have if he was home, but he was at work.”

  He doesn’t say anything and I’m glad he doesn’t. I’m not sure what else I could have said to make my lie any more believable. Finishing the last of the paystubs, I hit print and then get up to get them off the printer. I can feel him watching me and I wish he wouldn’t. I don’t want to get him involved. I have to do this all by myself. Taking the stubs off the printer, I count each one, making sure they are all here. When I turn to go back to go back to my desk, I run right into Tucker. He takes a hold of my arms, steadying me but when I try to move back, he won’t let me go. I look up into his eyes and freeze. He is examining my eye, my face, my everything. It’s as if he is looking into my soul and I know he knows I’m lying. I can see it all over his face.

  Fuck.

  “Tucker?”

  “I’m sorry, Violet, but are you sure that’s what happened to your eye?”

  I nod. “Yes.”

  “You can tell me, Violet. I can help you.”

  “Tell you what?” I ask, and I hope to God he doesn’t ask again because I’m not sure I can lie anymore.

  His eyes are glued to mine. My breathing quickens and my heart pounds in my chest. I don’t want to move and really I’m not sure I can. I’m completely frozen in place. And I think he is too. His breathing matches mine and I bet if I laid my head on his chest, I could fell his heart beating just as loud as mine. Suddenly his hand is moving away from my arm. Slowly, I watch as it comes up and he runs his finger softly across the bottom of my eye. With his eyes locked on mine, he slowly cups my jaw and runs his thumb along my bottom lip.

  I don’t know what the hell is happening. His eyes are boring into mine and I swear they’re asking if I want him. If I want him to kiss me, and the answer is yes. Yes, please kiss the stuffing out of me and take me away from the hell my life has become. But he can’t. As much as I want it, he can’t do it, I can’t let him, but I’m not moving and neither is he.

  “You are so beautiful, Violet. Let me help you.” His voice is deep and breathy, falling on my skin in wisps and turning my skin to gooseflesh. Then his head is dropping toward mine. My breath catches and oh fuck, I’m going to kiss him and I don’t care how wrong it is or what will happen after because I need to feel his lips. Closing my eyes, I feel his breath on my lips and I turn up, giving him better access, but nothing happens.

  Opening my e
yes, I see that he’s pulled completely away from me. He looks back at me and asks, “Did you hear that?”

  I’m breathless but I still manage to squeak out, “hear what?”

  He drops his hand and I yearn for it back. Watching as he walks away, my breathing is still labored and my heart feels like it’s about to explode. I hear footsteps coming down the hall and I don’t know what I’m going to say to him. What will he say to me? This can’t happen and I need to reiterate that, I have to. I can’t play with his heart, I can’t hurt him. I need to think harder. I need to get help. I need to do something because I don’t want Rob. I want my life back and I can’t help but think that maybe Tucker can help. He said so, didn’t he?

  Placing my hand on my chest I look up and I’m going to tell him. I’m going to ask for help, but when I look at the doorway, the person standing there is not Tucker.

  It’s Rob.

  “You ready?” he asks.

  I feel like I can’t breathe. His eyes are on me, waiting for an answer and all I can do is stare at him.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he then asks as I continue to stare at him.

  Putting my hand on my forehead, I look away. “Sorry, my head is killing me. Not yet. I need to sign these and then we can leave.”

  I go to my desk and start to sign each paycheck. My hands are shaking and when I see a hand reach over to take a check I have already signed, I look up to see that Tucker looking at me. His eyes are dark and I can’t read the expression on his face. I wonder if it matches mine. I don’t feel guilty but I feel like we almost got caught and that’s not good. Maybe it was a sign from God. Maybe it’s his way of telling me I shouldn’t get Tucker involved. That I need to figure this out on my own.

  “Sucks about her eye, huh, Rob?”

  I look up quickly to find that Tucker is looking back at Rob.

  “Yup,” he says, looking at Tucker as if he’s a piece of shit.

  Tucker is glaring at Rob so intently that fire seems to roll off him in waves. Before he can say anything else, I say, “Okay, I’m done.”