Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  “Great,” she says before shutting the door, but I stop it from closing. This is the perfect time for me to leave.

  But as I’m about to leave, Tucker says, “Violet, I get that you don’t want to answer me, but know that you don’t deserve to be treated like this, and when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here for you. I always will be here.”

  Tears pool my eyes and I want to scream that yes, he hits me, that I don’t know what to do to get out and please God, help me, but before I can, he reaches for the phone, turning his back on me as he answers.

  I haven’t seen Rob in three days.

  It shouldn’t be a bad thing but it makes me nervous. I’m about to get in the car with Tucker and Dr. McCloud to leave for Atlanta and I can’t get a hold of Rob to let him know. I don’t want there to be any reason for him to freak out on me when I get home on Sunday, but he isn’t answering any of my calls and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m being set up to fail and it’s making me inwardly panic.

  I know I shouldn’t care. Fuck it, you know? Who cares if the house is a mess, if there’s no food? He doesn’t deserve any of it but, for as long as it takes me to get my shit straight to leave, I need things to go smoothly between us. I can’t go to work with any more marks. I need to stay under the radar with Rob. I just need time to get things together, make some money and then I’m blowing this Popsicle stand. I’ve already set up my direct deposit and I feel good about it. I like my plan and I hope to God it works.

  No, it will work.

  I have to stay positive. I have to stay glass half full. I can’t doubt myself because I can do this.

  I can.

  Looking around the kitchen, I make sure everything is clean, that nothing is left out and it isn’t. The house is spotless. Opening the fridge, I read each note that says what each dish is. I have cooked a meal for him every night but I’m not sure if it is enough. I’m nervous and skittish and I feel like I should call Tucker to tell him I’m not going, but I need to go. This is for my career. This is to better me and to also build a good relationship with Dr. McCloud so that he’ll give me a raise and a great reference when I leave.

  That’s the other part of my plan. I plan to move back to Colorado and I’ll need a job, so I need to make sure Dr. McCloud and I are on great terms. I know Tucker will speak highly of me but if I could get both of them to do it, I would have a sure in when I get to Colorado. I might even meet a doctor from Colorado at the conference. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? If I start networking now, it will be easier when I move because they’ll remember me.

  Okay, let me be honest, even though having all these references and stuff will be great, I mainly want to go because of Tucker. We’re driving up there. That means four hours in the car with him, and it’s going to be a blast. I’m excited to talk and just enjoy him. We have a great relationship at the office but I want to know him outside of the office. Why? I don’t know, but I just do. Is it stupid that I’ve included him in my plan? I know I couldn’t convince him to move but maybe we could keep in touch and when my divorce is final and everything, I could come visit. I don’t know but I feel like I need him in my life.

  I need him to be a part of it, even when I’m gone.

  Okay, enough about that, I need to make sure this house is clean one more time but before I can reach the hallway, my phone goes off.

  It’s Tucker.

  “Hey,” I say breathlessly as I run through the house, checking each room.

  “Hey, I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea for me to come in and get you but I’m here.”

  “Oh, Rob isn’t here, but I’m coming, give me two seconds,” I say before hanging up the phone and doing one last run through. Satisfied and knowing that I should be okay coming home Sunday, I put on my big coat and I grab my weekend bag before locking the door behind me and heading down the steps. When I look up, Tucker is getting out of the car and he smiles as he reaches for my bag.

  “Thank you.”

  “No problem. Hurry, get in the car; it’s colder than Antarctica out here!”

  I laugh as I walk around the car. “Are we picking up your dad? Should I get in the back?”

  “He isn’t coming,” he says as he reaches for the passenger door and opens it.

  “He isn’t?” I ask as I get in. I wait for him to run around the car before he gets in and looks over at me.

  “Nope, my mom wanted to go to some knitting thing and asked him to go. He’s trying to do whatever she wants now.”

  I reach for my seat belt as I say, “Well, that’s nice, but has he not always done that?”

  He shakes his head as he pulls out of my driveway. “Nope, it was always about work. My whole life it’s been like that. My mom says that’s why me and Blaine traveled and did what we wanted first because he was such a workaholic.”

  “Did retiring change him?”

  “No, my mom has cancer. That’s what changed him.”

  Oh no. I love Mrs. McCloud. We had become so close in the weeks she trained me. She is such a sweet, loving lady, one that would do anything for anyone. My heart sinks as I watch Tucker’s profile. His mouth is in a straight line and I can tell that this is hurting him. “Will she be okay?”

  “Thankfully, yes. It’s breast cancer and they caught it really early, we’re very lucky. I don’t think any of us are ready to lose my mom.”

  “Yeah, it’s hard,” I say softly as I look out the windshield. The pain of my loss of my grandma is still very raw and honestly I don’t know how long it will be until it dulls a little. I miss her and I would give anything to have one more time to tell her how much I love her. I would hate for Tucker to go through this kind of pain and I’m glad that Mrs. McCloud will be okay. That’s a blessing.

  “Well, that’s no way to start a road trip, sorry,” he says with a laugh. He glances over at me with a huge grin and I return it, putting my pain on the back burner. I can be sad later, right now I need to enjoy what is in front of me.

  “Ready for Atlanta?”

  More than he’ll ever know. With each mile we take, I’m that much farther from Rob and man, what a feeling that is.

  “You’re crazy! Wolverine is not better than Spiderman.”

  I roll my eyes. “Hugh Jackman.”

  “That means nothing. That’s only the actor! Spiderman is quick, agile, he spits webs from his hands, Violet! He can fly!”

  “He swings,” I say, bored because obviously Wolverine is ten times the superhero. “Wolverine is played by the gorgeous Hugh Jackman.”

  “You are delusional. That does not make him the best superhero!”

  “Yes it is, because he has adamantium claws that come out and can cut Spiderman’s web thingies. He wins. Hands down. Did I mention that Hugh Jackman was naked in the movie, too?”

  When Tucker’s head falls back in frustration, a smile pulls at my lips.

  This ride is going to be fun.

  Another hour later…

  “You’re kidding me? National Treasure is by far the greatest movie ever.”

  “No way, it’s boring. Oh wait, do you think Nicolas Cage is hot? Is that why you like it?”

  I give him a look as I say, “No, it’s about the history. I love history stuff like that. It’s exciting. I want to be a treasure hunter!”

  “You’re a dork. That stuff isn’t real.”

  “Sure it is! Don’t rain on my parade! You’re just jealous because I won’t take you on my treasure hunt,” I tease.

  “Of course I am,” he says flashing me a grin. “I am completely hurt by it. But no, really, the movie sucks, you’re crazy.”

  I laugh as I roll my eyes. “Blasphemy! Fine then, what is the greatest movie ever?”

  “That’s easy.”

  “Okay? What then?”

  He glances over at me before saying, “Say Anything, classic 80’s movie.”

  “Seriously?” I ask.

  “Seriously. It’s a masterpiece.”

  “Shut up,” I say with a
shake of my head.

  “No really, and if you haven’t seen it, I’ll pray for you. Everyone needs a little Say Anything in their lives.”

  “I know! It’s my favorite, too!” I yell out, smacking his arm. “After National Treasure, of course.”

  “Of course,” he laughs.

  “My mom used to watch that movie all the time.”

  “Mine too. It’s a great flick. Blaine makes fun of me for loving it, but I don’t care.”

  “Me too!” I gush. “The part with the radio, pure magic! What girl wouldn’t want that?”

  “This is true. I actually did that to a girl in high school.”

  My mouth drops. “No way!”

  “Sure did,” he says with a grin. “She loved it and all, but she didn’t get the whole Say Anything reference. It was depressing.”

  “Ugh! What the hell! You wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate it, that’s so sad!”

  “Ugh, I don’t know about wasting it. I did get laid that night.”

  I try to hold in my laughter but I can’t and soon he is laughing with me but then he stops, suddenly, sparing me a glance before he belts out the chorus to In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. I giggle before joining in with him. We both can’t sing worth crap but I don’t think either of us cares. I feel so alive. So free. It’s been so long since I’ve done this.

  It’s refreshing.

  It’s perfect.

  It’s everything I’ve been missing.

  Three hours in….

  “You have no tattoos?” he asks and I can tell he is completely stunned by this.

  “No! Why? Did you think I did or something?”

  He nods. “Yes, I was sure of it. I thought you had a tramp stamp!”

  “What the hell!? I’m no tramp!” I say offended.

  He laughs, shaking his head before saying, “No, I mean the lower back thing. I thought maybe you had a butterfly or something.”

  “No way. Needles scare me.”

  “Chicken.”

  “Damn right, I am. The truth though, I’d really love one, but I’m too scared to do it. It’s sad really.”

  “It is. It doesn’t hurt that bad.”

  I look over at him and ask, “You have tattoos?”

  Surely not. He’s such a clean-cut guy. I mean his hair falls perfectly in place. He always wears suits or nice clothes. I may be stereotyping, but he does not look like a guy with tattoos.

  “Yup, I have a plane on my forearm and on my other forearm, I have McCloud.”

  I am stunned. “Seriously?”

  He smiles. “Yeah, see.”

  He then lifts the sleeve of his Henley up, showing off the bright colors of the intricate plane flying through the clouds. I am surprise that I recognize the plane – a North American P-51 Mustang. My grandmother used to love them since my great grandfather flew one back in the war. The colors are fascinating and I have to have a closer look. Taking his arm in my hands, I bring my face forward to look closely at the detail of the plane. It seems so real, like it’s about to fly off his arm. Each part of the plane so defined and perfect, it’s mesmerizing.

  “Does it mean something?” I ask.

  “Yeah, it’s for me and Blaine. He has the same one. Then me, dad, and Blaine all have McCloud on our forearm; mom has it on her ankle.”

  I smile. “Did you guys all go together?”

  He nods. “Yup. Mom cried like a baby.”

  That has me laughing and soon his laughter is filling the car, too. Once we settle down, Tucker asks, “what would you get if you weren’t scared of needles?”

  A smile plays on my lips as I admit, “A butterfly.”

  Tucker laughs out loud before saying, “Told you! I had you pegged from the start!”

  I push into his arm as he continues to laugh. “Oh, shut up.”

  “No really, though, you should go get it. It doesn’t hurt.”

  “I don’t know,” I say with a shrug. Rob hates tattoos, he doesn’t have them and wouldn’t let me get one when I wanted to.

  “I’ll go with you, hold your hand and all that.”

  I’m pretty sure I’d like that more than he would. “I’ll think about it.”

  “We could do it while we’re in Atlanta,” he suggests. “A cute little butterfly on your wrist or something.”

  I shake my head. “Not now, but soon. Let me save for it,” I say but really, I need to get away from Rob first. Just thinking of him makes my skin crawl and I glance down at my phone to see if I’ve somehow missed his call. I haven’t and I don’t understand one bit. He should have been home almost an hour ago and I know that he knows I’m gone so why hasn’t he called me? Even with being so far and without talking to him, he still has a hold on me and I hate that. I wish I could just ignore the fact that I haven’t talked to him or told him where I’m going but the fear is weighing on me. I feel like he is doing this on purpose, to justify why he is beating the crap out of me later.

  A part of me wants this weekend to end, while the other part doesn’t because every time Tucker looks at me, or smiles at me, I forget about everything. The fear is there, but I feel safe. As if nothing can touch me and because of that, I never want to leave, but the hours are counting down until it’s time for me to go home, until it’s time for me to face him and when that times comes, I won’t have Tucker there to protect me. But I can’t think of that. No, I need to enjoy my weekend. I need to learn. I need to better myself because yeah, the time is counting down until I see him, but it’s also counting down until the moment I leave.

  And that thought alone brings a smile to my face.

  The only thing separating Tucker’s room from mine is a door.

  I’ve been staring at the damn thing and my phone for the last hour. It has been taunting me since we arrived at the hotel the night before. After going to a seminar, we had dinner and then both went to our rooms. While it seemed easy for Tucker to shut the door and disappear in his room, it wasn’t for me. I wanted to follow him in there and continue talking the way we had the whole day. I had never talked so much in my life and it felt amazing. I feel like the old me is back. The one that was fun and had a good time no matter where I was. I was never scared, never worried about what I said or how it would affect me later. I was fearless. I was young and I had fun but Rob took all that.

  Now the old Violet is coming back. I feel her inside me, begging to come out and I’m slowly but surely allowing myself to let her. I have to, but it’s easy when I’m not around Rob. Being around Tucker, I feel like I can be anything I want to be. When I talk, he listens. It makes me feel like he cares. Like I matter and that feeling is unbelievable. I haven’t felt like I’ve mattered in a really long time and I’ve miss that feeling.

  I feel so alone in this room. I want nothing more than to open the door that separates us and go into his. I don’t know what I’ll do once I get in there, but I don’t want to be alone. I want to feel like I matter and all I’m doing by sitting in here alone, is staring at my phone. I still haven’t been able to reach Rob. I’ve sent texts and even left voicemails but he is completely ignoring me. It scares me to the core and I feel like I’m coming out of my skin. I don’t know what to do and a part of me wants to not worry about it but I can’t. I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to dinner with Tucker but instead all I can do is stare at my phone.

  This is stupid. Throwing my phone down on my purse, I go to the bathroom to get ready. If he doesn’t want to talk to me, fine, fuck it. I’m going to go enjoy dinner and talk about all the neat stuff we learned today because it was a great day. I met so many doctors, unfortunately none from Colorado, but a lot nonetheless. Tucker introduced me to a lot of great people. I talked with other office managers and I swear the guy that was running the seminar was tired of me after I asked over a thousand questions. Tucker liked it though, he liked that I wanted to know so much and he loved that I had taken notes to give to Dr. McCloud. After hearing all the benefits from being completely digital, I
don’t understand why we aren’t yet. I have a feeling that will change once we get home though.

  After curling my hair and pulling up one side with a bobby pin, I try to ignore my need to rush to my phone and call Rob again. Instead, I pick up my foundation and do my makeup. When I’m satisfied with my smokey eyes, I smear gloss along my lips before admiring myself. My blonde hair looks perfect, cascading down my shoulders in different lengths. My makeup looks flawless and I wish I would do this more often. I look great, so made up and that smile. That’s a real smile. A pleased one.

  I actually look happy.

  Something I plan on always being after leaving Rob.

  Walking out of the bathroom, I head to where my dress is hanging on the door. It’s a simple little black dress that I bought at Target the day before I left for Atlanta. Putting it on, I try not to mess up my hair as I pull it down my body. It comes to mid-thigh and the lace overlay goes to my knees. It’s low cut, showing off my breasts beautifully and I hope that distracts people from looking too closely at my shoes. Since I spent so much on the dress, I had to go for not so great shoes. I mean they are still cute, black heels that are covered in lace but they don’t live up to the dress.

  As I look myself over, a satisfied grin sits on my face. I look beautiful. Gorgeous, maybe and I wonder if Tucker will like the way I look. I can’t help it. I want him to think I’m pretty. I want to feel wanted, I want to feel important and every time I’m around him, I do. Walking toward my purse, I pick up my phone and check it one more time. Still nothing. Dialing his number I wait until his voicemails comes on.

  “Hey Rob, it’s Violet. Calling to let you know I’ll be home tomorrow. Call me back, okay?”

  Hanging up the phone, I sit on the bed and fight the urge the cry. He’s never done this. He’s always answered my calls. It doesn’t make sense and I have no clue what it means. I try to still my shaking hands but it doesn’t work. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack but before that can happen, a knock comes at my door. Looking at the door, my stomach does a flip as my heart starts to race. I wasn’t nervous about going out with Tucker before but I am now. How does that make sense? I have nothing to be nervous about. I’m going to dinner with my boss. It’s not as if this is a date. No, just two co-workers going to dinner to discuss everything we learned today. Even through dinner last night, I was fine, so why am I just standing here staring at the door, forgetting how to talk or move.